Chapter Five
“Keep your mouth shut bitch and you won’t get hurt.” A pair of black eyes glared at her, threatening and daring her to contradict their owner.
A silent scream tore from her throat, as tears coursed down her cheeks. “Please,” she begged her assailant.
“Not another word. You’ve been asking for this all night.”
“No! Please. I don’t want this. Stop!” The more she argued and fought the more excited her attackers seemed to get. Two of the three assailants grabbed each of her arms and pinned them to the bed, while the one she considered the ringleader unbuckled his pants. “I won’t tell anyone, just please stop. Don’t do this. I promise I won’t tell anyone.”
Slick laughed, his dark eyes twinkling. “Oh, I know you won’t because if you do, I’ll f*cking kill you.”
Kicking and twisting, she attempted to break free, but they were too strong for her. “No,” she cried out her throat raw from yelling as she silently prayed for someone to hear her pleas and intervene. But no one did.
“Jocelyn.”
“Go away! Leave me alone!”
“Jocelyn.” Strong hands grasped her shoulders and began to shake her.
She fought against the hold, struggling with all her might before she heard a loud crack followed by a stinging heat in her cheek. Her eyes popped open and it took her a moment to discern where she was and who was holding her. Heart racing, she shook her head to chase away the drowsy pull of sleep. She blinked and saw her father sitting on the bed next to her. “Daddy! What are you doing in here?”
“I heard your screams. I’m sorry I had to smack you, pumpkin, but you wouldn’t snap out of it.” He brushed away the trail of tears staining her cheeks and dropped a kiss on her forehead. “We could hear you all the way down the hall so I thought I would check in on you. I’m glad I did. The last time I heard such terror in your voice was after your mama died. Remember that?”
Jocelyn nodded. “I couldn’t understand why you let them put Mama in that box. The thought of her laying in the ground, in the dark, was terrifying. I guess I didn’t fully grasp the concept of death then.”
“You were only five, baby. I didn’t expect you to, and though some people didn’t think it proper for someone so young to attend a funeral I thought you had just as much right as anyone to be there to say your proper goodbyes.”
“I was frightened but as I grew older, I appreciated your decision a little better.” She expelled her breath in a huff and wiped the perspiration beading her forehead with the back of her hand. “I’m sorry for waking you, Daddy. Please go back to bed.”
“I doubt I can after that.”
“I didn’t mean to wake you. Lavern probably thinks I’m some kind of nut now.”
“She doesn’t think that at all.” Her father’s warm green gaze searched her face as though looking for some kind of clue. The corner of his eyes crinkled in his apparent concern. “Care to tell what had you hollering so loud? Lavern was ready to get the shot gun out because she thought there might be an intruder in the house.”
Jocelyn clasped her cheeks in embarrassment. “Please send her my apologies. I-I’ll be fine. I promise.”
One bushy gray brow rose. “Honey, I think I’ve been pretty patient since your arrival in my hopes that you’d open up about why you stayed away.” He held his hand up when she would have protested. “No. Don’t say anything yet. Just listen. Considering how much you loved Devlin Ranch, I knew in my heart something had to be wrong in order for you not to at least visit. Those occasional calls that first year you left didn’t tell me a thing. And when they stopped after a while, I began to wonder with all of your success if you might be ashamed of your old man.”
Gasping, she shook her head vehemently, and clutched his arm in earnest. “No, Daddy. I could never be ashamed of you. I love you so much. As a matter of fact, I was actually kind of surprised at the warm welcome I received from you when I arrived.”
He frowned. “Why wouldn’t I be happy to see you? You’re my baby. Nothing will change how much I love you.”
“I-I…well, whenever I called, I thought you might be angry at me. You’d always seemed so distant whenever we spoke which was why I stopped.”
“Bewildered and maybe a little hurt, but never angry.”
“But even now, you seemed a little reserved. Something’s missing, isn’t it, Daddy?”
Jack sighed. “I guess I was a little scared.”
“Why?”
“I never knew the reason why you stayed away. I thought it was maybe because I was so overprotective of you sometimes. I know you used to get so mad at me when I wouldn’t let you do some of the things the other girls your age did. I just didn’t want you to grow up too fast.”
Jocelyn grasped his hand, ashamed that he’d felt it was her fault. “It was nothing you did, Daddy. I love you so much. I missed you so much. This is no excuse, but the more time that passed when I didn’t contact you, the harder it became to get in touch. It doesn’t make sense I know, but there’s so much that happened since I left, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. I know I have no right to expect things to be the way they used to be, but I really am sorry for hurting you.”
Her father wrapped his arms around her. “I love you so much, baby. I never wanted to be that kind of father you couldn’t come to with your problems and I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t tell me what was going on. I was a little distant toward you in the beginning because I was scared I might say something that would make you go away again.”
“That’s not going to happen.”
“I’m here for as long as I promised. Don’t worry about that.”
“Good to hear. There’s a lot to catch up on, but what about your work? It’s my understanding most designers will be showing their winter lines soon. Don’t you have that to work on?”
Jocelyn grinned. Who would have thought her big burly daddy would know anything about fashion. “I’ve already taken care of it before I left. I don’t plan on working on anything other than Lavern’s dress and maybe doodle some ideas here or there, but that’s the extent of it. This is my vacation.” She nudged him. “You sound like you know a little bit about the industry. Don’t tell me you’re a secret fashion guru.” She grinned.
“Put your robe on and come with me. I have something to show you.”
Jocelyn didn’t know what her father was up to, but she did as she was told and followed her father out of the room and down the hall to his private study. A slight smile tugged the corners of her lips as she took in her surroundings. She couldn’t remember how many times she’d come in this very room and sat on the couch in the corner while her father did paperwork. In the winter, there’d be a warm fire crackling and in the summertime, the window would be open to allow a breeze in. No matter how busy her father had been, he’d never denied her admittance.
He pulled a large leather album from one of the book shelves. “Have a seat, Jocelyn,” he instructed before joining her on the couch. “First off, I want to say how proud I am of all you’ve accomplished over the years. I’ve been following your career from the beginning.” Jack then opened what she had thought was a photo album.
Her breath caught in her throat when she saw what was inside. There were various newspaper clippings. “Newcomer Takes Designer of the Year Award”, “Triumphant Showing at Fashion Week for Jos Song”, and “The Stars Come out To Support the Opening of The House of Song”.
“Dad,” she whispered in awe, flipping through the pages as she discovered more articles spanning her career. “I didn’t realize you’d kept track of me.”
Her father smiled. “Well, this little town of ours isn’t that backwards. We do get the occasional newspaper. And we have cable to boot. Lavern and I even watched the Oscars this year just to see who was wearing you. Did I say that right?”
“You said it perfectly.” Tears returned with a vengeance, stinging the backs of her eyes. Shame twisted inside her belly. She’d done her father a disservice. Her intentions had been noble, but they’d hurt someone she loved more than life itself. “I’m sorry, Daddy. I was selfish for what I did, and I never meant to hurt you. But please know, it was never because I was ashamed of or mad at you. I love you so much.”
“I know, baby.” He engulfed her within his big strong embrace, gently stroking her head as she sobbed into his shoulder. “It’s okay. Daddy’s here.” Rocking her gently back and forth in a comforting motion, he whispered soothing words in her ear until her cries subsided. She was a little girl all over again, being comforted after scraping her knees. He’d helped her get through her physical boo boos but would he be able to help her through this huge emotional one?
“Is there something you wanted to tell me?” He stroked her hair.
She moistened her lips. “I’m not sure if I can. The only people who know are Kyla and my therapist.”
His brows furrowed together. “Therapist? What kind of therapist. Are you sick, baby?”
Jocelyn shook her head. She heard the alarm in his voice and knew she’d have to tell him. It was the least she owed him. “Something bad happened, Daddy. That’s why I never came back.”
“Something here?”
“No. Not at the ranch.”
“Then where? Tell me. Please.”
Jocelyn shuddered as her chest tightened. Even after seven years, reliving that night was still raw. She opened her mouth and then closed it again. When she’d finally gathered her composure, she raised her head to meet his gaze. “I don’t know where to begin.”
“Wherever you’d like, baby.”
She took a deep breath before relaying her tale. “Do you remember when I won that internship with J&T Textiles after my design won first place in that contest I entered?”
Her father nodded. “I was so proud of you. You always were a whiz with that sewing machine. You’d make the most amazing outfits. I still have that pink party dress you made when you were ten.”
Jocelyn grimaced, as she recalled that fluffy pink monstrosity. “Uh, I was the laughing stock of Pamela Evan’s birthday party. One of the sleeves was longer than the other and I’d added so much ribbon and lace I looked like a ballerina on acid.”
Jack chuckled. “But you were still as cute as a button wearing it. I still have that picture.”
“Don’t you dare pull that thing out.”
He winked. “Maybe another time.”
She groaned, knowing he’d do exactly that. Realizing she’d stalled enough, she continued on. “Getting back to the story, my internship was going well and I was making friends. One night I was invited to a party at the house of one of the girls who worked at J&T. I knew I was out of my element the minute I walked in. Everyone was so sophisticated and well traveled. Dallas was the farthest away from home I’d ever been. My roommate had warned me not to get tangled up in that particular crowd, but I didn’t listen and stubbornly went anyway. The minute I saw some guys doing cocaine right in front of everyone, I knew I had to get out of there.”
Her father’s eyes widened and his brows flew together. “Oh, Jossy, please tell me you didn’t—”
She shook her head. “No. You raised me better than that. As soon as I saw that, I started looking for my ride. I found her in the arms of some strange man and when I told her I was ready to go, she informed me I’d have to take a cab if I wanted to go home because she wasn’t ready to leave.”
“Sounds like your roommate had the right of it, didn’t she?” he asked gently, still stroking the back of her head.
“Unfortunately,” Jocelyn sighed. Even as her mouth moved to form the words she had difficulty getting them out.
“It’s okay, baby. Take your time.”
She closed her eyes against the understanding in his. She didn’t feel she deserved his compassion after the way she’d treated him. “I-I was looking for a phone to call a cab when I met a guy who looked like he sympathized with my situation. He seemed so nice and for the first time since I arrived at the party, I began to feel at ease. We talked about everything. I told him that while I would love to have my own clothing line one day, I wasn’t looking to become a big name. I told him about the ranch and how I was looking forward to going back to it…and Cade. After a while, he offered to get me a drink. I didn’t think anything of it until I took a sip.”
“Why? Did it taste funny?”
She frowned with a shake of her head. “No. It was okay as far as I could tell, but he looked at me so expectantly when I held it to my mouth. It then occurred to me he was still a stranger, despite our little chat. I told him I had to go and I needed to call a cab.” Anxiety began to twist a knot in her chest as each horrifying moment of that night came back to her. Hastily, she wiped a tear away before it could spill down her cheek.
He stiffened. “Jossy, what happened after that?”
“H-he told me he knew where a phone was. I should have listened to my first instinct, but by that time I was so eager to leave I didn’t think things through properly. So he led me to a bedroom and showed me the phone. He left me alone and I believed that was that. But…” She sniffed. “He returned with two men. One of them locked the door and…the other snatched the phone from my hand…I…I tried to fight them, but I think whatever was in that drink began to kick in. My head was woozy and they did things to me I’d rather not say…I’m so sorry, Daddy. The truth is, after that night, I was so ashamed of what happened I couldn’t come home. I gave up the internship because I couldn’t face those people again.” She couldn’t go into further detail. Having to relive it all over again brought back that familiar ache.
Jocelyn blamed herself for what they’d done to her. Had she listened to her roommate it may not have come to that. She shouldn’t have taken that drink. If she would have walked out the door when she’d seen some party-goers doing coke and looked for a payphone instead of sticking and talking to that animal, none of it would have happened. She’d been stupid and for that she carried this secret shame.
“They hurt you?”
She could only nod.
Her father held her tight. “Jossy. If only I had known,” his voice trailed off to a whisper. When she raised her head to see the unmasked pain etched in every line of his face, she cried for him this time. What he must have gone through because of her was something she could never take back and it hurt more than mere words could express.
In all of her years, Jack Winters had been the strong, solid foundation in her life and to see this big burly man with tears in his eyes was her undoing. They clung to each other as tears streamed down their faces. Jocelyn’s sobs were loud and soul cleansing while his anguish was expressed with silent shoulder-shaking cries. The tears weren’t just for what happened to her, but for those years lost, the distance between them and the guilt they both bared that could have been prevented if they’d both opened up.
“I should have been there for you, Jossy. I should have been there to protect my little girl.” The raw anguish in his voice was cutting—one of the very reasons she’d never returned to the Devlin Ranch. It was bad enough to go through this herself, but she hadn’t wanted to make her father feel this way.
“It wasn’t your fault, Daddy. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to blame yourself and I was…I was afraid.”
“Why, baby?”
“I thought you might blame me like I’ve blamed myself. I had no business at that party, but I so desperately wanted to fit in with that particular group. They seemed so much cooler and sophisticated than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s not always easy being the token Asian girl. I know it sounds silly but sometimes I feel like I have to work harder to make friends. And now that I really think about it, I can’t figure out for the life of me why I cared about what those people thought about me.”
He cupped her face in his hands. “I never knew you felt that way. I mean when I married Mei, there were some small-minded people in town, and I’ve always done my best to shield you from it.”
“Everyone on the ranch was great and never made me feel as if I didn’t belong. But sometimes the kids at school would make comments.”
“Like what?”
“Half breed. Stuff like that, but your love gave me the confidence to ignore the taunts.”
Jack snorted. “But obviously it wasn’t enough if you felt you had to work hard to make friends.”
“Dad, your love was more than enough. But even it can’t shield me from the ignorance in the world. You’re a wonderful parent and I don’t want you to blame yourself for any of this. I guess in my own longwinded way, what I’m trying to say is, after being surrounded by my loved ones on the ranch, I felt out of my element in Dallas. And I wanted to make you all proud of me, which is why I tried to fit in. Fitting in meant making those big-name contacts I thought were important to me at the time.”
“But it wasn’t worth it, was it?” He bit the words out with barely concealed anger. It practically radiated from him. She wasn’t surprised that it had taken a few minutes before what she’d told him sank in. It was one of the reasons he was so respected around the ranch, and why so many people came to him for advice. Her father was slow to anger but when it was finally roused, woe betide the cause of his ire.
Jocelyn shook her head as another fresh trail of tears ran down her face. “No.”
He released her and stood, his nostrils flaring. His face was bright red and his fists were clenched at his side. He looked like he wanted to commit bloody murder and there was no doubt in Jocelyn’s mind if her attackers were here now, he would. “Who are these men? What are their names?”
She closed her eyes briefly and nibbled on her bottom lip. “I only knew the one guy’s name, Jasper. That’s who he introduced himself to me as. He must have been the one who drugged my drink. But for all I know, it could have been an alias. I believe I heard him call one of the other men Todd, but I can’t be sure. Everything blurred together after a while. And honestly, throughout it all, I hoped it was simply a nightmare I’d wake up from.”
“Those sons of bitches! They need to pay for what they did to you.” He slammed his fist into his palms, looking like he had every intention of delivering a little justice vigilante style.
Jocelyn gulped. The last thing she wanted was her father to get riled up, especially when she didn’t have all the pertinent information concerning his heart condition. “I never reported the incident to the police because I wanted it to be over. I knew if I would have done so, there would have been an investigation and even if they could find all the men involved there would have been a trial and I couldn’t have dealt with being scrutinized or being made out to be the bad guy. Besides, I didn’t want everyone back home to find out what happened to me. As it was, I blamed myself for it. I shouldn’t have been so stupid to trust him. I shouldn’t have gone to that party.”
Jack’s lips firmed to a thin line. “I’m not talking about reporting them to the police, Jocelyn. I want their names because I’m going to kill them. I’m going to track every single one of them down, rip off their nuts and shove it down their throats.”
Jocelyn slipped off the couch and put her arms around her father’s waist. “No! Even if I did know who those men were or where to find them, I wouldn’t tell you. I want this to be over. I live with what they did to me every day of my life. It still affects me to this day and I curse myself for this weakness, but I just want to heal and put this behind me. I’ve tried so hard to forget.”
“But obviously you haven’t if you’re still having nightmares like tonight.”
She laughed humorlessly. “Trust me; they’re not as bad and as frequent as they used to be. At one point I used to be an absolute ball of nerves. But I’ve made progress with my life. My career has taken off. Sure the papers have labeled me eccentric, but no one knows what it feels like to wake up most mornings in a cold sweat—what it’s like to be scared all the time, constantly looking over my shoulder. I sleep with the light on for fear that someone will come and get me. I can barely enjoy regular social interactions without having full blown panic attacks. Kyla finally convinced me to see a therapist and I’m only just learning that the incident wasn’t my fault.”
“It kills me inside to know you blamed yourself for what those monsters did to you.”
Jocelyn sniffed. “I know it doesn’t make sense, but that’s why I’d rather you let it go.”
“But you’d let those men get away with what they’ve done to you? Maybe you can, but I can’t.”
“Daddy, you’re going to have to respect my wishes in this matter. Yes, it’s unfair they got off scot-free, but in order for me to keep my sanity; I have to let it go. If there’s such a thing as karma, they’ll get their comeuppance eventually.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. She noticed his fists clenching at his sides and she knew how difficult it must be for him to accept her decision. Finally, he expelled a deep breath. “If that’s what you want, I’ll honor your request, but I don’t like it one bit.”
“Thank you, Daddy.” A pregnant pause lapsed between the two of them before she decided to change the subject to temper his simmering rage. Telling her story had been painful enough without rehashing it over and over again. “I didn’t know about your heart attack. I swear. I never received a call or an email. I was moving a lot for a while and all my correspondences were handled by an assistant I’d had problems with. I don’t know if she didn’t relay the messages to me or somehow they got lost, but I honestly would not have ignored word from the ranch about your medical condition.”
He raised a brow at her change in topics and she was sure he knew she was avoiding discussing that incident. Releasing a deep breath, his shoulders sagged in defeat. “I believe you.”
“Are you okay now? What happened?”
“It was very minor. The doctor put me on a strict diet and made me lose a few pounds, but don’t you worry about me. Your old man still has a lot of living to do. Besides, Lavern won’t let me go anywhere. She’s got me eating rabbit food. No grown man should be subjected to this diet.” A gleam of light twinkled in his eyes at the mention of his fiancée. He led her back to bed and they sat down beside each other. Then, he pulled Jocelyn within the crook of his arm.
She leaned her head against his shoulder. “I like her a lot. I’m glad she invited me to help her with the wedding.”
He nodded. “Me too. She’s a good woman. After Mei died, I didn’t think I’d ever find anyone I loved as much. I was wrong. Lavern has filled the hole in my heart that’s been there since your mama passed. I’m not saying Lavern has replaced her, nor do I think she wants to, but I know Mei would have wanted me to be happy. She was just that kind of woman.”
“I know. I still miss her even after all these years, but you’re right. She wouldn’t have wanted you to be alone.”
“I can only wish you the same happiness I’ve found.”
Jocelyn smiled weakly, not able to reply to her father’s comment. Her one chance at love had been cruelly taken away from her and she knew there was no point in dwelling on it.
“Jossy?” Her father broke the silence that had momentarily fallen between them.
“Yes, Daddy?”
“There’s someone else you owe an explanation to.”
She stiffened, knowing who he referred to without asking. “I can’t. Promise you won’t say anything to him.” Jocelyn grabbed a fistful of her father’s nightshirt in her earnest plea. The last person she could tell was Cade.
He sighed. “Sweetheart, you should have seen him when he came back from Dallas after you’d rejected him. He was picking fights, staying out late, drinking too much, and the women he’d bring to the ranch…well, let’s just say they weren’t the kind you’d introduce to your family. Earlene was fit to be tied when she came across one of those floozies. I think his brothers gave him a well-deserved walloping for that. I was worried about him for a while, so I can only imagine what the other boys thought. Lord knows, Earlene and I shared our concerns over many a cup of coffee.”
It cut deep to know how badly she’d hurt Cade. She wished she could have prevented it, but condemning him to a life she knew he’d eventually come to resent would have been far worse. “I’m sorry to hear that,” she said quietly.
“That boy has loved you for a long time. I always thought he’d be my son-in-law. I remember he used to follow you around wherever you went and you never complained. Whenever someone was looking for one of you, we knew the other would not be far behind. I wasn’t surprised when the two of you became an item. I even secretly hoped you would, because I knew no other man would treat you as good as Cade—as I felt you deserved. You were both young, but that didn’t bother me none. Your mother and I married young and I knew true devotion when I saw it. I sure would have been proud to call Cade my son for real.”
“Daddy, please.” Jocelyn shook her head, unwilling to hear anymore. She didn’t want to hear how much Cade had loved her. It hurt.
“Honey, you’d understand where I was coming from if you could have seen the look on his face. I never saw a grown man break down the way he did. Poor kid. I’ve been foreman on this ranch since Stone was still in diapers. After JT and Lorna died, I thought of the Devlin boys as my own so it hurt me doubly to believe what you’d done and to see Cade the way he was. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
She closed her eyes tight and nodded, willing the fresh tears stinging the backs of her eyes away. “I know you love him too, and want the best for us, but please understand that sometimes every fairy tale doesn’t have a happy ending.”
“Jossy, I’m trying to understand, but you’re not making this easy for me. I can’t begin to comprehend what you’ve been through, but Cade was so torn up and I reckon he still smarts a little if tonight is any indication of things. You should go to him, and at least explain—”
“No!”
“Jossy—”
“No, Dad,” she said more firmly this time. “I’m not the same girl I once was. The Jocelyn he knew is dead, and the one you see before you isn’t whole.”
His brows furrowed together. “But, there may be a chance the two of you can work things out. I know those other women he’s been with since you left didn’t mean a thing to him.”
She grasped her father’s hands and gave them a squeeze, hoping this time she’d get her point across. “Daddy, do you hear what I’m saying? Even if there wasn’t so much water under the bridge, it’s too late for Cade and me. I’m damaged goods. Eventually, he’d want to settle down and have kids. I…” Jocelyn vowed she wouldn’t break down again. She’d already shed too many tears as it was. “I can’t provide him with what most women can.”
Jack studied her face for a moment, looking for the answer she couldn’t voice. She knew the moment when comprehension dawned. His eyes widened while his lips moved soundlessly.
“You see? I could never tell him. Cade might feel compelled to do the noble thing and I can’t let him make such a sacrifice.”
“Oh, baby. I’m so sorry.” He pulled her back in his arms.
“Promise me you won’t say anything,” she whispered.
Her plea was met with silence.
Jocelyn lifted her head to look him in the eye. “Promise me!”
He looked as if he wanted to refuse, his mouth firming to a thin line before he nodded. “I don’t like it, but I’ll respect your wishes.”
She planted a kiss on his cheek. “Thank you. Trust me, it’s for the best.”
“If you say so.”
“I do.”