Resolution (Saviour #2)
Lesley Jones
CHAPTER 1
I blink continuously. Trying to think of what to say. Or more to the point, how to say it, there’s not a yes or no answer to his question. Well there is but it needs to come with an explanation and I know as I look him in the eye that I’ve hesitated a moment too long and he knows what’s coming. My mouths gone dry and I feel sick to my stomach, choosing my words very carefully I start.
“Gabe... I love you; you mean everything to me, what we have, what we’ve found these past weeks is more than I ever could have hoped for, I’ve had one chance at love already and I seriously thought that for me, at my age, I wouldn’t get the chance to feel like this again but, because of you and for you, I have been lucky enough to experience it again, I know it’s only been a short while and so much has happened but I do know for sure that I love and if you want me, I’m yours for the rest of our lives, but I can't marry you; I’m not even divorced yet so it would be illegal anyway, it's not worth even discussing till then.”
I laugh nervously; did any of that make sense? He’s still kneeling on the floor, staring back, saying nothing, I can read the hurt in his eyes, and he is the last person in the world I would want to hurt. “Gabe, please stand up.”
I'm getting nervous now; he's still just staring at me blankly. He tilts his head to one side and blows out a long breath; looking down at the floor he shakes his head.
He stands and leans back against the shiny new car, crossing his arms across his chest and his long legs out in front of him. In that moment the only word that comes to mind is, magical, it makes me want to giggle but that’s the word that’s stuck in my head and I can’t get rid of it and it describes how he appears to me perfectly, he’s everything I could ever wish for and some. He has a beautiful heart, the face of an angel, he loves me, he wants to love and take care of me forever. The fact that he has a rocking body, a huge dick, which he uses with sexpert precision is also a bonus but this is isn’t a fairy tale. We don’t live in Once Upon A Time or Happy Ever After Land. This is real life, where hearts break and can’t be fixed by a single kiss, people lie and cheat; they let you down and despite swearing to never do so. Sometimes they do all of these things on purpose, I’ve stood in front of God, in a church and listened to a man swear to love and protect me forever and it was all a lie, so why would I want to go back there again. I love him and I want to be with him, I don’t feel the need to stand in front of anyone and say that out loud to make it a fact, it already is and there’s not a priest, a vicar, a judge, or any God you happen to believe in that can change that fact, marriage is not a path I want to go down again, it led me to a lonely place before and I really am not ready to find myself there again.
Eventually he looks up at me and my heart shudders in my chest, I’ve hurt him and I instantly feel like shit, I’m trying to think of how to word this so that he doesn’t feel like I’m rejecting him, there’s nothing I want more than to spend the rest of my life with him, but I really no longer see the point of marriage.
I go to speak but he jumps in first. “You stayed married to that fucker for years while he was beating and humiliating you, but you won't marry me?”
I scramble for an answer. “This isn’t about you or him, it’s about what I want, what I need, right now in my life.”
“And it’s obviously not me.”
“I didn't say that, I would never say that, I do need you! And I didn’t say I wouldn't marry you, I said I couldn't. I'm still married, I will be for at least the next twelve months, or however long it takes to get a divorce, we can talk about it again then, when it’s actually an option. Ask me again then, if you still want to that is, or I will happily ask you if that’s the place we’re at in a years’ time. Why can’t we just be together now and enjoy what we’ve found and see where it takes us? We can’t say for sure where we will even be in a years’ time.”
His stance changes, his hands go to his hips and the blue of his eyes has clouded over, darkened, I’ve pissed him off and that’s so not what I aimed to do. This is all falling apart around me but I don’t want to get married and I won’t be bullied into it.