I use air quotes around the word marriage to make my point, I’m on a roll now and am far from finished yet.
“And perhaps while you’re having a little think about whether you’re man enough to take me on? I will do the same, and take some time to think about whether I want to be with someone that has most likely fucked his way through the majority of the female population, of the state of Victoria! And just to make my life a little more difficult, I now have to work with a woman that you not only fucked, but had a full on affair with. Do I want that, do I really need that kind of shit in my life right now? That’s what I need to be thinking about. While you consider me and my issues.”
I should have shut up, but my nasty, spiteful mouth forgets to engage my brain in this conversation. “And don’t even get me started on Jackie and how interesting and awkward that’s going to make all of our family gatherings.”
I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth. That was such a low thing to say. He pushes me off his lap and stands.
“Fuck you Lauren!”
Leave it there. Leave it there Lauren. But no, my Essex smart mouthed self takes over.
“Yes please Gabe, but only if you’ve got the time between shagging my boss and your step mother.”
Noooo… I didn’t just say that did I??? Out loud??? I am the worse person on the planet, the tears that have been stinging the backs of my eyes, fall the instant that I look at his face. He looks shattered, defeated.
“Gabe,” I put my hand out too him but he knocks it away and shakes his head.
I’m so ashamed of what I’ve said. How does a marriage proposal end up like this? I turn and walk back inside, leaving him standing alone on the drive. We need some space so we can both calm down. My bottom lip is trembling as I stomp up the stairs and my tears are falling in complete mortification at what I just said to him. I grab Gabe’s cigarettes and lighter and go out onto the balcony and light one up. I hear the gates to the drive open and see his car pull out onto the esplanade and drive off. Now I can't stop the tears, I'm hurt and so fucking angry with myself. I sob through gritted teeth.
I go back inside and pour myself a glass of wine and slump down on the sofa and let out a very deep breath. He proposes marriage and I go and bring up the fact that he was abused. Who does that? Me, that’s who. I don’t deserve him, perhaps Jason’s right, he slapped and pulled me about because I deserved it, I’m a nasty spiteful bitch, with a nasty spiteful mouth and it may have quite possibly cost me my future.
I finish my wine and pour myself another just as I hear the gates open. Gabriel's back, I wonder where he's been and I wonder if he’s staying or will he ask me to leave? I’ve so fucked things up this time, I press my fingertips into my scalp as I try to think of what I’m going to say to him, how to let him know how sorry I am, but a minute later there's a knock at the front door, the last time that happened when I was here alone, it had been Jay that had barged his way in. I set down my glass and pad quietly down the stairs, it was obviously someone that knew the code to the drive to have got in this far, I try to take some calming breaths as I make my way down, but I still feel an icy unease spread down my spine. As I reach the last few steps, the front door opens and Sam puts her head around the door.
“Lauren, should you be up and about, where's Gabe?”
I'm not sure if it’s the glass of wine, the argument with Gabe, the proposal, anger at myself and my unforgivable words, events from last night or just everything about my life in general, but I flop down onto the bottom step and sob.
“Hey, hey. What's happened, what's going on, are you okay?”
The tears come thick and fast, I have a lump in my throat the size of Queensland and I can't get any words out around it.
Sam comes and sits on the stairs and puts her arms around me, saying nothing as I cry, after a few minutes all I can manage is, “Gabriel proposed.”
She leans away from me, with a truly astonished look on her face. “Shut. The. Front. Door! Gabe, did what, he proposed?”
I nod, it’s all I can manage.
“Fair dinkum. What did you say?”
“I said no and he, he got really, really pissed off with me.”
I try to speak and breathe and sob and make sense, but this is multitasking at its most extreme and I’ve had two glasses of wine and it’s a struggle.
“I thought he was going to hit me.”
“What!?” Sam yells.