Probably the most complicated thing to explain to her was my plastic surgery. It contradicted everything I’d ever said to her about self-acceptance and loving herself just as she is. I’d often told her how beautiful she is. Would she ever believe me, knowing I’d changed my face—our face? I did my best to explain that it was much more than a need to change for physical purposes alone. But I honestly feared that my explanation would always be a hard sell for her, especially as she got further into her teen years. Without an inkling of where her head was at on the issue, I just had to pray that my actions wouldn’t harm her self-esteem in the long-term.
Each night, Landon and I would lie in bed, and he would review what I’d written that day. One of the best parts of that was the discovery that Landon had reading glasses. He looked so sexy in them as he focused on my words under the lamplight.
By the end, my letter turned into the length of a book. It was way too long to be a letter and was essentially the story of my life and the story of how she came to be. I wanted her to know everything because she deserved that.
There were lots of words crossed out and others scribbled in the corners. Because I’d changed so many things around, I decided to type up the finished product. Landon told me to print out two full copies when it was ready and give them to him along with some pictures from my childhood and teen years. I didn’t have too many, but I gave him all of the ones in my possession.
He neatly bound the papers into a pink book he’d purchased at an arts and crafts store and incorporated color Xerox copies of the photos into sections that corresponded with the timeline. He’d turned it into an actual mini-novel and made an identical copy of the book for me so that I would always have it as a keepsake. Writing it had actually been quite therapeutic.
Toward the end, I explained the mystery surrounding the envelopes of money that she would find addressed to her. I laughed when I noticed Landon had stuck in a current photo of my father. Papa was holding a cantaloupe, and it looked like he was yelling at Landon for taking his picture. It must have been taken recently. Landon captioned it God.
The photos really added humor and life to what I’d written. In the end, as painful as it was to put everything down on paper, it was beautiful.
But nothing had touched me more than what he’d added to the very end. Landon had asked for my permission to write something for her as well. I had no idea what to expect.
Lilith,
With Rana’s permission, I’ve been waiting for the right moment to share this with you. I would say there’s no better time than the present.
You know me as Rana’s boyfriend, the happy-go-lucky guy from California. But what you don’t know is how much you and I have in common.
I was adopted, too.
I understand the confusion and the occasional emptiness that goes along with knowing that the person who brought you into this world chose a life separate from you. I totally get it, Lilith. I get it so much.
My parents chose to tell me I was adopted when I was sixteen, so I was a lot older than you when I first discovered that I wasn’t related to my parents by blood. When I turned eighteen, I felt very lost in my own skin. That was when I moved out to California in search of my birth mother. Her name was Beverly. By the time I found her, it was too late. She’d passed away. I’ll never know whether she intended to find me someday. I choose to believe in my heart that we would have been reunited and that we would have had a relationship.
I’ve hoped that my sharing this would help you realize how lucky you are that your birth mother came to find you. She didn’t wait for you to go in search of her. She needed to make sure you were okay and wanted to be a part of your life.
My mother wasn’t in the right state of mind to do that because, unfortunately, she was addicted to drugs. I realize now that her actions didn’t necessarily mean she didn’t love me. She just couldn’t save herself. She couldn’t have taken care of me even if she’d wanted to. She made the decision she thought was best for me. Anyway, I’ll be happy to share more about my birth mother’s story with you someday if you want to hear about it. But truthfully, that story ended before it had a chance to begin.
Like Beverly, Rana felt that she was doing what was best for you when she gave you to your parents. Even though she always loved you, she didn’t allow herself to truly feel the love when you were born, because it was too painful. I know she explained all of this to you, but I wanted to tell you a little bit about what I’ve observed.
When I first reconnected with Rana in person, I knew that she was keeping something major from me. Every time I looked at her, I could see the weight of something so enormous in her eyes. I just didn’t know at the time that the weight was you. Now, it all makes sense. She wears you on her soul, Lilith. You’re still a part of her. Everything she does is for you—to become a better person so that she can make you proud someday. I know that the way she went about being around you was unusual, but she wanted a chance to really get to know you and for you to get to know her, too. Being with you makes her so happy. She’s always talking about how proud she is of you.
You can choose not to speak to her because of a decision she made when she was young (only a few years older than you), or you can choose to forgive her. Either way, she’s going to love you. As someone who lost the chance to get to know my birth mother, I would give anything to be in your shoes and to have that choice.
Experiencing Rana’s love for you helped to heal some of the unresolved feelings I had toward Beverly and helped me to forgive. Even more than that, it helped me to appreciate my adoptive parents, or as I like to call them—Mom and Dad. You should never have to feel like letting Rana into your life would lessen all that your parents have done for you. They will always be your parents. Trust me, we are both very lucky to have people who chose to raise us. Ask yourself if you would ever change having them as your parents. My answer to the same question would be no.
We’re also both lucky to have Rana in our lives. You have no idea how much you remind me of her when she was around your age, not just your looks, but your curious nature and your good heart. Her spirit lives inside of you.
You should use as much time as you need to absorb everything in this book. It’s a lot to take in. But we will be here when you’re ready. I say “we” because I’m not going anywhere. You will always have a friend in me. And I hope there will be lots of carnivals in our future.
Rana will love you until the day she dies, Lilith. She may be imperfect, but her love for you isn’t. It’s unbreakable. She will never leave you for as long as she lives; she made that very clear to me. We would probably be in California if she didn’t want to be near you. I’m not saying that to make you feel guilty. I just want you to know that even with how much she wanted to be with me, and how much she might have loved the sunshine and the ocean, nothing—and I mean nothing—matters to her more than you. Her love for you is bigger than any ocean in the world.
If all else fails, I hope you go to sleep tonight truly knowing that.
Landon
P.S. I said you should take all the time you need, but try not to take time for granted. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. Nothing should be left unsaid. I learned that the hard way.
P.P.S. I think you and I were meant to be in each other’s lives.
STAYCATION