“You won’t lose her, Rana. I’ve finally learned to forgive Beverly, even though she can’t even speak to me. If Lilith is angry at first, she will learn to forgive you, especially since you’ve made an effort to be a part of her life in the only way you’ve been allowed to. The fact is, maybe I couldn’t really just be grateful that Beverly gave me life until I started living a life that I loved. I’m living this beautiful life right now because she made a choice to carry me to term, even though she was in incredible pain. I wouldn’t change anything about the past anymore. So, I need to let my animosity go. I need to just look up and say ‘thank you, Beverly’ and be grateful for the fact that Lilith is going to get to know her birth mother when I couldn’t. She’s gonna be lucky enough to realize that she has two mothers and a father who love her. And she’ll always have me, too. Maybe she’ll be mad at you for a while, yeah, but she’s going to be loved. She’ll come to understand that eventually. And that will be what matters most.”
I really hoped he was right.
Looking back to face him, I took a minute to soak in this man’s beauty, both which was on the outside and especially the inner beauty he was demonstrating in the way he cared for me this afternoon.
“Thank you for this bathtub therapy. I really needed it today.”
“I know you did. Those thoughts had been at the tip of my tongue for a while, waiting for the right moment.”
We lay in the steamy water for almost an hour. Despite my scare with Lilith earlier, I felt incredibly relaxed now.
Since we were being so open, there was a nagging question I’d wanted to ask him for some time. It was something we’d never discussed.
Turning around to face him, I wrapped my legs around his waist and rubbed my thumb along his beautiful bottom lip. “Do you want a child of your own someday?”
“Only with you,” he said without even thinking. “Only if you want one, too. I definitely don’t think that’s a decision we have to make any time soon, though.”
“I used to tell myself that I didn’t deserve to have another baby, that I had my chance and gave up the right, but honestly, I haven’t truly wanted it…until you.”
Landon pulled me into him and kissed me tenderly. I could feel his erection growing beneath me. “My instinct is that I want to get you pregnant for primal reasons. I’m getting hard just thinking about it. But really…it’s a lifetime of responsibility. And quite honestly…” he hesitated. I really wasn’t sure what he was going to say until his next words came out. “I really do want it. The truth is, I want that with you so fucking much it hurts.”
My heart was pounding at his admission. “When you paused, I got scared for a second.”
“That must mean that deep down, you really want it, too.”
“I don’t think I realized how much I wanted it until this moment—until my heart nearly fell when I thought maybe you didn’t.”
My man took care of me that entire night. After our bath, Landon cooked us dinner, and we ate it on the couch together while watching Netflix.
When our movie ended, he took out his wallet. “I forgot. I have something to show you. My mother found this. She gave it to me today when I met her for breakfast. Check this out.” He handed me a photo.
My smile grew wide. It was a picture of Landon and me taken during the first few months after my family moved into the garage apartment. I remembered the day it was taken vividly. Our entire block was having a yard sale, and both Landon and I were in charge of collecting money for the items that Marjorie put out on her table. She gave us ten percent of the profits as payment for our work, and we used the money to buy our first Rubik’s Cube from one of the other tables.
Still grinning at the photo, I said, “That’s the day we bought the Rubik’s Cube.”
“I remembered that, but I wasn’t sure if you would.”
“No, I remember everything about that day. It was one of the first times that I realized how much I really liked the boy next door.”
He tapped his knee against mine. “Yeah. I thought you were alright, too.”
On the back of the photo, his mother had written our names and the date.
I just kept staring at it. It was the first time in ages that I’d looked at a photo of myself from that time period. It was really hitting me more than ever how much Lilith resembled me.
“I look just like her in this picture, don’t I?”
“Yeah. Whenever Lilith is around, it takes me back in time. I feel like a kid again around her. It’s good for my soul.”
After Landon tucked the photo back into his wallet, he wrapped his arms around me, kissing me repeatedly on my forehead. I’d lived for so many years feeling alone and scared. For the first time in my life, I felt truly safe. His hands may have been calloused; his arms may have been inked; he may have looked dangerous, but Landon was as gentle as he was protective.
“I couldn’t have ever foreseen this happening between us, Landon. I’m so grateful to have you with me now.”
“I never thought I’d see you again in a million years after you left. Life can be hard as shit, but sometimes…sometimes it surprises me in the best way.”
That night before heading to sleep, Landon was brushing his teeth while I readjusted the sheets on our bed. I happened to look up and noticed something bizarre. My stuffed animals from childhood had always been lined up on a shelf that was situated high up on the wall across from my bed. There were so many crammed together, all different colors and kinds. One stuffed bear in particular caught my eye—because I didn’t recognize it.
It wasn’t mine.
When Landon walked in, I asked, “Did you buy me a stuffed animal?”
“No. Why? Do you want me to?”
Walking over to the shelf, I lifted the brown bear. “I just noticed this one. It’s not mine.” I handed it to him.
Landon’s expression grew to one of concern as he inspected it. “You know there’s a zipper back here.” He opened the bear to find a camera inside. “This a fucking spy cam!”
My heart started to race. “What?”
“Look…the nose is the lens.” Landon’s hands were shaking. I’d never seen him so worked-up. “That sick fuck must have been filming you.”
Admittedly, I probably hadn’t taken a good look at the shelf since Lenny moved out, so I had no way of knowing how long the bear had been there. Since we’d changed the locks, it was doubtful that he’d been back since leaving. Still, it definitely shook me up.
He threw the bear on the bed. “It’s empty…no tape or anything inside. Will you let me go to the fucking police now?”
“No. I don’t want any trouble. I know that sounds crazy…but I just want to let it go.”
Landon let out a frustrated breath. “I have to work harder at finding us a new place.”
Looking for a new apartment had somehow fallen by the wayside. With each day that had passed after Lenny left, it’d seemed less necessary to move.
But this unsettling discovery definitely opened old wounds, making the need to relocate once again a priority.
FERRIS WHEEL
Lilith turned eleven this week.
I’d only been around for a couple of birthdays with her, but they were always bittersweet.
This year was going to be different because Landon was here to help me celebrate. That would hopefully distract me from the inevitable moments when my mind wandered to the day she was born or to thinking about the years that I missed.
Even though her birthday had technically passed, we’d be marking the occasion tonight. It happened to work out that the carnival was in town, so we planned to take her there in the early evening after the truck closed.
Around 4PM, Landon was taking a quick shower after a long day of work. I had already gotten dressed and was waiting for him, feeling really anxious for some reason.