Fraudster
January, 1998
Kurt arrives home from his tradeshow in thirteen hours. My trusting and unsuspecting husband, who never in a million years would imagine the shame I’ve bestowed upon our marriage, is gonna crawl into bed with me tonight. Until two nights ago, it’s a thought that would only irritate me. Now it makes me want to throw up.
Last night, after I left the message for the therapist, I pulled my lime green sweater set out of its hiding place and clung to it like a security blanket. The smell of it lulled me into a few hours of sleep and facilitated restless dreams about Leo. I wonder… will I have those same kinds of dreams when Kurt’s sleeping beside me? I also wonder what’s gonna stop me from calling Leo the next time Kurt goes out of town? Will I be able to act like I did before he left?
Since meeting Leo a few days ago, it’s been hard to concentrate on anything other than him. I thought coming to work this morning would be a nice distraction from my slut-fest of a weekend, but not so. I cancelled all of my meetings, forwarded my calls to voicemail and I’ve been hiding in my office for the last six hours, staring at my wedding ring and rehashing every second of my time with him, hoping to find a reason to beat myself up. But my thoughts only make me giggly and tingly. I wonder what’s going through his mind right now. I want to think he’s overwhelmed with heartache about my so-called engagement, but I bet I’m already a thing of the past to him. He’s probably laughing with his friends about how he got an older chick to talk dirty to him on the phone. It all seemed so special when it was happening, but right now I feel like such a fool. He’s twenty-two, for Christ sake and I’m sure he’s already got a couple of girls lined up to hang out with this week. That’s what twenty-two-year-old guys do right? He seemed different, but I bet he’s not.
I leave work early to meet my best friends for one of our monthly girls’ night out thingies. We gotta wrap it up earlier than usual because Nicole’s working the nightshift and has to be at the hospital by eight. It’s a bummer for me because I’d rather arrive home long after Kurt falls asleep. You know… postpone the inevitable lies about what I did while he was away. I’m last to arrive at the restaurant because, as usual, I take extra time touching up my makeup in my car.
“Well don’t you look pretty, Miss Chrissy!”
“Thanks Court! You look…shit, you look really tired!”
“Get off my back. I came straight from working the last sixteen hours. You’re lucky I even made it.”
“Right, like you’d rather be home with your screaming baby instead! I know you’re hoping Guss puts him to bed before you get home, don’t even try to deny it!”
Courtney swings her glass up at me in a silent toast of agreement and takes a swig of her wine.
Shaking her repugnant head, Kelly says, “That’s terrible! I feel bad for even being here. My kid was crying ‘Mommy, Mommy, Mommy’ as I was walking out the door. Craig had this little sourpuss look on his face. Poor guy is hopeless without me.”
We all look at Kelly like we want to vomit, but of course, I’m the only one who speaks up. “Well, good for you and your friggin’ hallmark card family life, Kelly.”
“Shut up and order guys! I gotta be at work in two hours. We can talk about how perfect Kelly’s life is over appetizers, how chaotic my life and Courtney’s life are over dinner, and we’ll talk about how easy Chrissy’s life is over dessert.”
“Easy? And why do I get dessert? It’s the shortest course!”
“Oh puleeez, my charmed girlfriend! You make more money than me and Courtney with NO student loans to pay back. You get to travel to really cool places like New York, Hong Kong, and Yap.” Looking at Court and Kel, “And for the record, I still don’t think Yap exists.” Then, back at me. “You go to fashion shows…boss people around…and get tons of free clothes! You have an awesome house in Danville that gets cleaned once a week by a housekeeper, and you don’t even have kids! Seriously, how messy can it be? And don’t even get me started on that husband of yours. Are you f*cking kidding me that you get to go to bed with that man whenever you want? Damn right, you get the shortest course!”
They’re lovingly laughing at me and I’m doing my best “don’t you wish you were me” dance in my seat. Inside, I’m horrified. I’ve been questioning my career since the day it started, and since Leo, I wonder if I’m even in the right relationship. The two things that define me are the two things I’m not sure I want anymore. Without them who am I?
The conversation soon moves past my so-called perfect life and onto topics that are more important, like the guy who had a coke bottle stuck up his ass on Nicole’s shift a few nights ago to Courtney’s urinary tract research grant proposal and Kelly’s crusade to make hot school lunches healthier for kids. The coke bottle up the ass story was engaging, but after that my thoughts drifted off to Leo. These women are supposed to be my garbage can for all the shit life dumps on me. So why is it so hard to tell them I screwed up, that I turned my perfect little life into a total cluster f*ck? Probably because I’ve been trying to shed my role of the clusterf*ck queen since high school…
*****
May, 1985
“C’mon Court, we’re cutting fourth period and driving to Nicole’s house to watch One Life to Live!”
“Uhhhh… .Earth to Chrissy! We don’t have our driver’s licenses yet! Shit, we don’t even have a car, you fool!”
“We do now. I told my brother I forgot my bio book in his car.” I take the keys out of my pocket and dangle them in front of Courtney’s face, as Kelly grabs her arm to drag her to the parking lot.
“It’s no biggie! Kelly’s almost done with drivers-ed, she knows what to do!”
“No way! Besides, I’m still grounded from the vodka that CHRISSY put in my hair spray bottle.”
“Well, you’re the dummy who let your mom borrow your hair spray!”
“Amen to that Kelly. C’mon though Court… you have to admit it’s a genius way to get buzzed at the movies. A little spritz here and a little spritz there and voila!”
“Yeah Chrissy, you’re a rocket scientist. You and your genius ideas already have me grounded for the rest of my life. “
“Please come, Courtney, it won’t be the same without you. Please, please, please!”
“No way! Later.”
Five minutes later, with Kelly in the driver’s seat, we’re cruising down
Fremont Blvd. having the time of our lives with hamburgers and fried zucchini from Carl’s Jr. Ten minutes later, we get pulled over by a cop. An hour later, we’re sitting in the principal’s office, and thirty minutes after that our parents arrive to beat the crap out of us.
April, 1986
“I wanna wait outside of Kurt Gibbons’ house and follow him when he goes out.”
They’re staring at me like I’m a total stalker freak.
“What!? You asked what I wanted to do tonight, and that’s what I wanna do!
Can you three think of anything better?”
Obviously not, because fifteen minutes later we’re filling up Kelly’s tank at the Gas-n-Go in preparation for “Operation KG.” Just as the three of them are piling back into the car, I run out of the bathroom and breathlessly tell them the greatest news ever.
“Omigod, you guys, there’s cases and cases of beer just sitting in there!”
“So?”
“What do you mean so?! Let’s drink some of it! How the hell will they know who took it?”
“Omigod, that’s such a good idea, Chrissy!” Nicole always has my back when it comes to alcohol consumption.
Before Courtney can talk us out of the plan, Nicole and I yank her into the bathroom, while Kelly parks the car. Once she arrives, we let her in, lock the door, and immediately get to work on the beer, laughing and burping like sweet little sixteen-year-olds do. After slamming beer number two, there’s a loud bang on the door.
“Hey ladies, you don’t think we have cameras in there? When you get out, I want to see some driver’s licenses and some cash.”
After contemplating making a run for it, we give ourselves up to Aabdar Muhammed Abdallah who, after taking a quick glance at our licenses, calls our parents. That was the end of anyone driving anywhere for a month.
May 1987
“Ahhhh…C’mon guys, this could be the last really stupid thing we do together before we go to college.”
“Chrissy, I’m NOT hopping on a plane to go to Los Angeles to be on The Price is Right! You’ve had a lot of stupid ideas, but that’s the stupidest one by far!”
“Shut up, Court, it’ll be fun! Think about it. We’ll leave Sunday night and fly home Monday after the taping of the show. We might get caught for skipping school on Monday, but who cares? We graduate in like three weeks! Seriously, what could possibly go wrong?”
It took thirty minutes to talk Courtney into the idea and ten minutes to plot out what we were gonna tell our parents.
Once we got the logistics worked out, we booked the flight and flew ourselves to Los Angeles. It took seven busses (because none of us had ever been on a bus before or knew how to read a bus schedule) to get to Bob Barker’s hood.
“This is totally awesome you guys! I can’t believe we’re in Studio City waiting in line to get into The Price is Right!”
“Not awesome at all, Chrissy. That motel we stayed in last night was totally bogus. I swear I heard gun shots. And tell me again why we’re all wearing your brother’s Santa Clara University sweatshirts?”
Nic, Kelly, and I roll our eyes and shake our heads at Courtney’s lack of familiarity with one of the most rudimentary tactics of how to get picked as a contestant on The Price is Right. Tediously, I answer her.
“Duh, Court, everyone knows Bob Barker likes to pick people wearing college gear. If you’d put down your text books and pick up a remote control every once in a while, you’d know that.”
After giving bogus answers to a few basic questions by someone wearing a massive headset, we put our fake name-tags on our fake sweatshirts and take our seats.
“Any of you brainiacs thought about what would happen if one of our names gets called?”
“Right, like that’s ever gonna happen, Court.” But then I look at Kelly and mouth the words, “I hope not.” She mouths back a very concerned, “Shit.”
“Look you guys, it’s starting!”
“MILFRED SMITH, COME ON DOWN!” “THOMAS DANIELS, COME ON DOWN!
“BETSY CLARK, COME ON DOWN! YOU’RE THE NEXT
CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
“Holy f*cking shit, he just said my name!”
“Seriously, Nicole, you picked the name Betsy? That’s a really stupid name!” “God Chrissy, who the hell cares what name she used! Run down there
Nicole! Go! Go! Go!”
“BETSY CLARK, COME ON DOWN!”
“Are you crazy, Kelly? I can’t go. MY MOM WATCHES THIS SHOW! What if I win the showcase showdown or something? What happens if I win a friggin’ camper? I’m outta here.”
Just like that, Nicole runs out of a set of double doors marked EMERGENCY EXIT ONLY and sets off the alarm. The rest of us are immediately asked to leave. As we make our exit, we’re hit hard with thunderous boos and hisses of crazy Price Is Right fanatics. Who knew lovers of such wonderful things like Bob Barker, Plinko, and Triple Play could be so mean.
*****
A piece of break hits me in the face and I’m brought back from the past.
“Hey, blondie, you gonna join in this conversation or what?”
“Yeah Chrissy, what’s going on with you? Normally we can’t get you to shut up!”
“Yo, Barbie! Tell us what you’re thinking.”
Now the three of them start to throw bread at me.
“Sorry about that. I’ve got a lot of work stuff on my mind.”
Kelly strokes my hair and gives me one of her famous backhanded compliments. “Look at you, little Miss responsible! Who woulda thought our little mess of a girl would end up so together.”
As if on cue, Nicole interjects with one of her famous sarcastic sex comments. “Work shmirk! Kurt gets home tonight. Someone’s thinkin’ about getting lucky!”
Responsible and lucky my ass. The cluster f*ck queen is back in business like it’s 1987 all over again.
After I promise to love you forever
What happens to us if I fail?
I fear that my heart is a wavering thing and
I’m scared that your heart is frail
Do I give up and just let go
Or remain, I don’t know
(About Me, Keri Noble)