Found
March, 2001
Showered, perfumed, and nervous as hell, I check the clock every single ticking second, worried that he might not show up. To occupy my time, I sip wine as I flip through the pictures that Kurt gave to me when I met him for coffee right after Kelly died. For a moment, my mind drifts to how relaxed our conversation was that day. No talk of death, divorce, or arguments over eggs and kayaking-just an authentically refreshing chat about the good ol’ days. Despite everything bad that happened to us, there’s still a lot of good to reminisce about. Done with the pictures, I toss the pile on the coffee table and nervously glance back up at the clock. Then, at the exact moment he said he would arrive, I hear the car. The car I’ve dreamt about driving around in since the last time I saw it. After the second knock (because I don’t want to seem too excited), I open the door to what feels like the rest of my life.
“Hey, stranger.”
But there’s nothing strange about him or him being here. He’s calm and comfortable, like he’s finally home. When he called a few weeks ago, I chalked it up as one more silver lining to appear out of Kelly’s illness because well…finding silver linings is my coping mechanism for handling the loss of her. Dr. Maria was right when she urged me to focus on the opportunities that present themselves in the midst of tragedy and not just focus on the tragedy itself. For me, it’s been the only way to move past a lot of pain. Kelly’s illness compelled me to finally get a divorce because it made me realize how short life can be, and I needed to free myself up…clear my head…really live it. Her illness forced me to open my eyes to opportunity once hidden behind the bullshit minutia and monotony of my fashion career, and it encouraged me to open my yoga studios. Her illness even persuaded me to hop a red eye to the East Coast and search for Leo because I so badly wanted the kind of love she had with her husband. Maybe that trip didn’t work out like I wanted it to, but it was worth the shot. It might seem crazy to always be on the lookout for the silver linings of Kelly’s death, but sometimes it’s the only thing that prevents me from crossing over to the dark side, to becoming a Sad Frumpy Lady. But you know what? Looking at the man standing in my doorway right now, I have no doubt that even if Kelly never got sick, he and I would’ve ultimately ended up in this moment. I guess the silver lining of her death is that it expedited the process. See! I can’t help myself! Finding silver linings is my new addiction.
He and I were always meant to be together. No filthy lie I told, no amount of time I forced between us, and no silly fling that we both found ourselves in to take our minds off of the truth could keep us apart. Staring into his eyes, I no longer feel the need to be sorry for all of the horrible things I did to him and I know the only reason he’s here is because he doesn’t expect me to be. Every piece of my life…every good, bad, and ugly piece of it had to happen to get to this moment and it’s impossible to apologize for that. He and I won’t work…I won’t work with anyone, until I forgive myself. And so I do. I’m finally home, too.
After a long synchronized deep breath, I look over his shoulder at the sparkling heap of metal. It catches me by surprise.
“Wow, is that the same car?”
“Yeah, I let my brother borrow it while I was living in New York, and the dumbass washed it. Kinda ruins the whole look, don’t you think?”
“Not at all, it looks nice and classy, just like you, Leo.”
I take a step back to take him all in. His clothes, while causal and unpretentious, look more expensive than mine.
“Are you ready to do this?”
“Yeah, I’m starving.”
When I turn around to lock my door, he places his hands on my waist. The drug sends shock waves through my body.
“I mean, are you ready to be afraid…together?”
The minute I opened the door, I knew I was never gonna let him go ever again, but I thought for sure he’d make me pay some kind of price, whether it was making me think he was mulling over his options or disappearing from my life every few weeks to make me suffer like I made him suffer. But then again, why would he do that? He’s the one who taught me the meaning of vulnerability and showed me through his own words and actions that the faster you expose yourself, the faster you get what you want. There were never any games with Leo.
“Can it be that easy after everything that happened?”
“Unless you want to keep complicating it.”
“But you live in New York. I’d say that makes things pretty complicated.”
“I told you before…I’ll always be where I know you are.”
Then he pulls me toward him and touches my hair, then my lips, then the back of my neck. He’s saying everything I’ve wanted to hear for so long. I can barely believe this is all happening.
“So…are you ready?”
“I’ve been ready. I just needed you to give me another chance.”
“Then I don’t think I can wait until the end of the night to do this.”
It’s a kiss that puts to shame all the kisses in all the history of the entire world that have ever taken place before it. It’s the perfect combination of wet and dry, of hard and soft, of lust and love. It makes me spin. He pulls away and asks me if I’m ready for my surprise…my modified and belated surprise.
“I’m moving back to California.”
“How can that be?! What about your job?”
“I took the wrong one. Everything I ever wanted is right here.”
“So everything you said to me in New York…it wasn’t true?”
“It was true, I was petrified to put myself out there for you, but when I heard Kelly died…”
“By the way, how did you find out that Kelly died? Wait, let me guess.” God bless Slutty Co-worker, my angel on earth.
“Of course. Anyway, when she told me about Kelly, I started thinking about second chances and…”
“Hold on, did you just say second chances? That’s all Kelly talked about the last day we…talked.”
I look up in the sky and silently thank my friend for delivering on my wish.
“Really? I guess she’s giving our grandpa’s a well-deserved rest and working some magic of her own.”
“And that’s exactly what I asked her to do in the letter!”
“What letter?”
“I’ll tell you all about it over dinner.”
“And I’ll tell you about how much I hated New York! The second I got there, I was looking for a way to leave. Now all I need to do is find a place to live.”
Without hesitation, I pull him back toward me.
“Oh I know the perfect place. It’s charming and quiet, and I think you’ll love the roommate.”
“Sounds great, where is it?”
“You’re parked right in front of it.”
He turns to look at the door of my cottage and then back at me.
Serious Leo is in full force.
“Just so you know, once I move in, I’m never moving out.”
Serious Chrissy is in full force too. “Just so you know, I won’t let you.”
“Then maybe I should give this back to you.”
He reaches into his pocket, and I recognize my Banana Republic ring the second he pulls it out.
“I love you, Chrissy Anderson. That is your name right?”
“Very funny! Give me that thing!”
Standing about an inch apart, he slips the ring on my finger.
“Promise me this time you won’t take it off until I can get you the real deal?”
“Promise.”
And that was the beginning of a thousand other promises I made, and kept, with Leo. Sorta.