The Scars of Us(Scars Series)

My body still thrummed with adrenaline from a combination of class and touching Ryker. It amazed me how just being close to him made me feel so alive, like I hadn’t really been living until I met him. Honestly, I really hadn’t.


Kaleb had made me afraid to live, afraid to trust anyone. But with Ryker, I felt there was a chance that I could open up to him, and that scared the living shit out of me. If I couldn’t even trust Kaleb, how could I trust Ryker?

Shaking the thoughts from my head, I started my car to drive home. I didn’t want to think about anything negative when I was feeling so good, when I actually felt… happy. I knew completing one self-defense class wasn’t very significant for most people, but it was huge—absolutely huge—for me. One of the many steps I needed to take to reclaim my life and eliminate the power Kaleb had over me.

My stomach growled as I walked into my apartment, so I headed straight for the kitchen to look for something quick to throw together for dinner.

As I rifled through the refrigerator, I heard Kamden call out, “I ordered a pizza—figured you wouldn’t want to cook.”

His voice had increased in volume as he walked from wherever he was in the apartment into the kitchen. When I closed the refrigerator door, I turned to see him standing in the doorway. “How was class? Everything go okay?” he asked with concern.

“Yeah, everything went fine,” I shrugged. “I was a little nervous at first, but Ryker worked with me one-on-one to make sure I was comfortable,” I continued as I searched for the pizza, which I found right on the counter next to the refrigerator. So observant.

“Ryker’s the instructor?” Kamden questioned. He sounded a bit bothered by the idea.

“Yeah,” I said, my focus mainly on the pizza box as I stalked towards it. Opening the cabinet above it, I grabbed a plate and put two slices on it before putting it in the microwave. When I turned back around to look at Kam, I noticed his furrowed brows and tense jaw. “What?”

“Nothing, just be careful with him,” he warned with a cautionary look in his eyes.

I voiced my thoughts aloud, perplexed by his warning, “Why?”

“I notice how he looks at you, Ky. He’s a total womanizer, and I don’t want you to be another notch on his bedpost.” He crossed his arms as his voice took on that over-protective, brotherly tone I knew so well.

Wow, I so don’t want to have this conversation. Thankfully, the microwave beeped, giving me the perfect opportunity to escape. As I removed the plate, I said, “Don’t worry, Kam. I’ll be fine—I’m not interested in Ryker.” Keep racking up those lies.

“I’m serious, Kaiya,” he sternly remarked, authority obvious in his words.

Placing the plate on the counter, I turned around to look at him—arms still folded tensely over his chest, eyes narrowed, mouth set in a tight, thin line. He’s really upset over this.

“Kam, do you really think I’d be getting myself involved with someone, especially now? I’m barely holding myself together.”

The angry expression on his face eased, his features softening as he walked toward me. “You’re doing great, sorella. I didn’t mean to get upset at you. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I know, but you have nothing to worry about. I’m not planning to get involved with Ryker, okay?” For some reason, those words caused my chest to tighten uncomfortably. Do I want to be with Ryker? I couldn’t deny the attraction to him, or the fact that I wanted to jump him every time I saw him, but did I want to be with him?

My stomach grumbled, interrupting my thoughts.

Kamden laughed. “You better eat—that thing sounds hungry.”

I smacked him on the back as he turned to walk away. Picking up a slice of gooey, cheesy goodness, I opened my mouth to take a bite as Kam turned back around. “I’m really proud of you, Ky.”

I stopped mid-bite as another genuine smile spread across my face. I must be setting a record today. “Thank you, Kam.”

Wordlessly, he exited with a matching grin on his face.

After finishing my pizza, I went to my room and decided to call Nori and update her on everything that had happened since the club. She’d called and texted me a few times after that day, but I’d had yet to get back to her.

“Hey, girl. What’s up?” Nori greeted when she answered.

“Hey. I wanted to apologize for bailing the other night.”

“Don’t worry about it. What happened?”

“Things moved too fast, too soon. I don’t know what I was thinking.” I fell onto my back on my bed with a sigh.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. He’s a hot guy, I mean really hot guy, and you got caught up in the moment.”

“I can’t get involved with him, Nori. You know that.”

“Why not? You can’t let your past rule you forever, Ky.”

I sat up, shaking my head in disbelief. I couldn’t believe what she was saying, but she had a point. “I know, but a guy like Ryker wouldn’t be interested in me—I have too much baggage.”

“I’m not saying for you to get in a relationship with the guy. You have heard of having a good time, right? Nothing wrong with a little fun for once in your life. He doesn’t need to know about your issues for you to have sex with him.”

“I love how you think.” I laughed.

“That’s why I’m your bestie. Seriously though, you deserve to have some fun.”

I blew out another breath as I lay back down. “Yeah, I guess.” Wanting to change the subject, I brought up my class. “Hey, I started taking a self-defense class.”

“That’s awesome! I’m so proud of you, Ky.”

“Guess who the instructor is?” I asked, biting my lower lip as I stifled a smile.

“No way! Ryker?” she shrieked, sounding like a teenage girl.

“Yep. I couldn’t believe it. He gave me his number after class was over.”

“Shut up! I think fate is trying to tell you something,” she squealed giddily.

“Yeah, it’s trying to torture me,” I replied in exasperation. Having Ryker as my instructor didn’t help in my efforts to try and stay away from him, even though I was seriously reconsidering that now.

Nori giggled, “I’ll take that kind of torture any day. That man is delicious.”

“He really is,” I sighed dreamily. “It’s been so hard to resist him.”

“I can imagine. I don’t think I’d be able to.”

“Kamden says Ryker’s a man-whore. He wants me to be careful around him,” I said, deepening my voice to imitate his as I spoke.

“Of course he’s going to say that. He’s your older brother.”

“Yeah, I know.” I hesitated, doubting myself. “But what if he really is?”

“Who cares? That’s what condoms are for,” Nori responded as though it was obvious.

I snorted. “Nori!”

“What? You’re not looking for commitment, and I doubt he is either. It doesn’t matter if he’s a man-whore. Sex is sex, and he looks like he’d be damn good at it.”

“You’re such a bad influence,” I joked as I rolled over onto my stomach.

“Hey, you only have one life. I guarantee you’ll regret it if you don’t sleep with him at least once.”

Would I? “Yeah, I probably would. He’s the hottest guy I’ve ever seen.” I paused, gnawing on my bottom lip in contemplation. “I don’t know if I can do this, though. I haven’t been with a guy, other than Bryce, since everything with Kaleb.”


“I know. And, you don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to. I just want you to be happy; I don’t think I’ve seen you as happy as when I’ve caught the two of you together, and when I’ve heard you talk about him.”

“Really?” I asked, holding back a smile.

“Really. It’s good to see you smile so much, and hear the happiness in your voice. Ryker may be just what you need to finally move on. And if not, at least you would get some really great sex out of it.”

“Maybe. I’m not promising anything, but I’ll keep an open mind. I better get ready for bed; I have an early day at work tomorrow—our weekly Monday morning meeting,” I groaned unhappily.

“Ugh. Okay, text me tomorrow?”

“Okay, bye.”

“Bye.”

After hanging up with Nori, I got ready for bed. Kamden had removed what was left of the mirror sometime today, so I was relieved not to have to deal with that mess.

My phone chimed while I brushed my teeth. When I finished, I went to my bed to pick it up. When I swiped my passcode in, I saw that Ryker had sent me a text:



Ryker: sweet dreams



A smile spread over my face as I texted him back:



Me: you too :)



As I lay in bed, thoughts about my conversation with Nori kept me awake. Should I really get involved with Ryker? Does he really want me? Would I be okay with just a one night stand? Could I handle it?

The only thing that I was able to determine was that if I decided to go through with it, I would take things slow concerning Ryker. Neither one of us wanted a relationship, and I definitely wasn’t ready to have sex with him, no matter how much I wanted to. So if it was going to happen, it was going to happen on my terms.

When I finally fell asleep, it was to images of Ryker’s heavenly body over mine.





Let’s just say that I really hoped that dreams came true. I needed a cold shower after the imagery from last night. I slept all the way until my alarm went off, which was unheard of for me. Usually I’d wake up from a nightmare.

Even though I had worked from home on Thursday, and went back to the office on Friday, I was behind on my work, swamped with documents and spreadsheets. Mondays were typically the busiest day of the week, especially since we had our weekly meeting to discuss happenings throughout the whole company.

Once I got home, I couldn’t wait to go work out and relieve some of the tension from the day. I dropped my keys and purse by the door before trotting to Kamden’s bedroom. Tapping on his open door, I peeked in. “Hey, you want to go to the gym?”

His eyes rose to mine from his laptop. The screen illuminated his handsome face. Thank God he doesn’t look like me.

“Yeah, I was waiting for you. I need to talk to you about something first, though,” he stated while closing his laptop.

Great, what now? “Okay,” I said as I walked in and sat on his bed. He swiveled his rolling chair to face me before saying, “I set up an appointment to speak with the head of the hospital.”

My mouth suddenly became dry from his words. I swallowed deeply before asking, “For when?”

“Six weeks from today— April 28. Do you still want to come with me?”

My first instinct was to say no, but I thought about my goal, about the baby steps I had made so far. “Yes. I want to do everything we can to keep him in there. I don’t want him to be released.”

Pride shined in his blue-gray eyes as he smiled at me. He turned and rifled through some documents on his desk. “Great. I think we still have the paperwork from the attack somewhere.”

“I don’t know—I haven’t looked at them since we filed them. They should be in the filing cabinet unless you took them out.”

“I’ll look for them. Go ahead and get ready for the gym,” Kamden said as he continued to search through the mess of papers on his cluttered desk.

I hopped up off his bed before going to my room to change. Fifteen minutes later, we were out the door on the way to the gym. Nervous, excited energy bounced through my veins as I anticipated seeing Ryker. Play it cool, you’re supposed to take things slow, remember?

The drive to the gym seemed to drag on as my nerves continued to build up, making me feel like a kid on a sugar high. I practically skipped into the building, but my mood deflated when I realized Ryker wasn’t there.

I didn’t want to seem like a stalker by asking for him at the front desk, so I just assumed it was his day off—Monday probably wasn’t a peak workout day. Oh well, I’ll see him tomorrow at class.

Brushing off the disappointment, I headed to my usual elliptical. Kamden went straight to the weight room, but he joined me in the cardio room to finish up his workout before we left.

When we got home, I decided to call Nori again, needing to talk to her about what Kamden and I discussed before we went to the gym. After dialing her number, I cradled the phone between my shoulder and ear as I took out some of the leftover takeout from the other night. I could hear the surprise in her tone—I typically didn’t call her two days in a row. “Everything okay, Kaiya?” she answered.

I chuckled, “Yes. But I have something to tell you.”

“You did it, didn’t you? That was fast, you whore,” she teased, giggling.

My eyes popped in shock as I pulled two plates from the cabinet. “No, I didn’t, Nori! I can’t believe you think I’m that easy.”

“I don’t, but he’s hot, and he seems very determined to have you from what you told me.”

I sighed, a little disappointed. “I didn’t even see him today.” Pausing, I cleared my throat. “But that’s not why I called. Remember I told you about Kaleb possibly being released?”

“Yes,” she said, her playful tone from a second ago gone.

Setting the plates down, I went to sit at the breakfast bar. I released a deep breath before explaining, “Well, Kamden and I are going to the hospital to try to stop it. I wanted to see if you would come with me. You know, for support.”

Without hesitation, she answered, “Of course, Ky. When?”

“April 28, six weeks from today.”

“I’ll ask for the day off when I get to the office first thing in the morning.”

“Thank you, Nori. You don’t know how much it means to me that you’ll go.” I let out a sigh of relief. I’d need as much support as I could get to get through all this.

“Aw, it’s no problem, girl. I’d do anything to keep that bastard committed.”

“Yeah, you and me both. I’ll call you with more details later—I just got home from the gym, and I need finish dinner and shower.”

“All right, talk to you later. I’m really proud of you, Ky.”

“Thanks,” I smiled. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

I exhaled another deep breath, easing more of the tightness in my chest. You can do this. You’re stronger than you used to be.

I made a plate for Kamden and heated it in the microwave, but I didn’t feel like eating anymore. Talking about the meeting and Kaleb caused unease to settle in the pit of my stomach, so I decided to skip dinner and take a shower.

As I walked to the bathroom, I repeated my phrases to myself, afraid that fear would try to take root inside of me because of the upcoming meeting about Kaleb. It would be the closest I’ve ever been to him since the incident, and that thought terrified the weak, fragile part of me.

The warmth of the water helped erase the tension in my muscles. Working out had cleared my head, but after talking about the meeting with Nori, thoughts of Kaleb started to creep to the forefront of my mind again.


Shoving the thoughts back, I continued to chant my mantra and focus on the water trailing over my skin. Closing my eyes, I tipped my head back and let it pour over me as I let go of everything else.

Once I finished, I felt so much better. The weight of the situation had been alleviated, even if it would only be for a short time. I knew that as the date approached, it would be increasingly difficult to cope with everything.

Exhausted, I quickly dressed in my pajamas before falling into bed. Sleep found me quickly, pulling me under its veil seconds after my head hit the pillow.





“Kaleb, I don’t like when you touch me like this.” I flinched as he ran his hands over my skin.

“Why? You’re mine, and I’m yours. I should be able to touch you wherever I want.” Both his hands and voice were possessive and harsh as he continued to touch me.

Mom and Dad have always said that Kaleb was supposed to take care of me, but this feels wrong. Good, but wrong.

“Doesn’t it feel good when I touch you like this?” Kaleb asked, interrupting my thoughts.

We were in my bedroom, on my bed with the door locked. Mom and Dad never questioned when they came up and found the door that way. Kaleb lay next to me, pressing his body up against my side. His fingers stroked my breasts before trailing down my stomach, eliciting a shudder from me.

“You’re so beautiful, made just for me,” he murmured against my ear before sucking my earlobe in his mouth.

“We shouldn’t be doing this,” I weakly protested as I squirmed beneath his venturing hand. My friends never talked about their brothers touching them this way, but his mouth was on my neck, and the combined sensations were making it hard to think.

“Why? You love me, right?”

“Of course I love you, Kaleb, but—”

“Then, you’ll let me do this. And you won’t tell Mom and Dad.”

His fingers had reached their destination, slowly caressing me and making me forget why I was objecting when it felt so good. My head lolled back against the pillow as Kaleb continued to touch me. Something that felt this good couldn’t be wrong, could it?

When he was finished, I immediately covered myself with the blanket, clutching it to me as he stood up from my bed. He licked his fingers, like he did every time, and disgust began to replace the pleasure tingling through my body once the haze began to recede.

I fought the tears that threatened to spill over, not wanting him to see me cry. It would only make him angry, and he hurt me when he was angry—I didn’t want him to hurt me more than he already had.

He walked toward me, leaning on the bed as he pressed a kiss to my forehead, causing me to cringe in response. “I love you, Kaiya.”

As a tear escaped each of my lids, I quickly swiped them away before he pulled away and saw. “I love you, too,” I replied, avoiding his gaze.

I didn’t move until I heard the door shut. Then, I bolted out of the bed and into my bathroom, barely reaching the toilet before throwing up.

Once I finished vomiting, I hopped in the shower, turning on the water to the hottest I could stand it before scrubbing my skin until it was red, almost raw. Tears poured off my face, sobs wracking my body as I stayed there until the water ran cold.



Sitting up in bed, my eyes snapped open to darkness, the only light coming from my alarm clock. Sweat clung to my skin as I threw the covers off me, feeling as though they were suffocating me.

Much like my dream, I sprang out of bed to throw up in my bathroom. Disgust still permeated my body, my stomach still nauseated despite vomiting. Shakily, I stood, stripping my clothes before turning on the shower.

Stepping in, I turned the handle almost all the way to the left before scouring my skin in the scalding hot water as I cried. My body burned as the heated drops pelted me, feeling like molten lava dripping down my flesh. Sobs shook my body as tears trailed down my face and mix with the spray falling over me from the shower head. Nothing I ever did could totally erase the dirtiness that still remained whenever I had a flashback. How could he do that to me? How could I let him? Why didn’t I make him stop? God, I was so weak! I’m still weak!

Slumping to the tile floor, I set my forehead against my knees, wrapping my arms around my legs. I sat there until the shower ran cold, letting the frigid water numb my skin. If only I can get it to numb my brain and emotions, too.





Kaiya was more uptight than usual during class on Tuesday night, if that was even possible. She angrily hit and kicked the bag aimlessly, and I could tell that something was bothering her.

Sweat dripped down her face as I approached her. “Is everything okay?”

“I’m fine,” she snapped, keeping her eyes trained on the bag, panting angrily as she continued to fiercely attack it. As I watched her, I noticed that she was holding her breath.

“Breathe, Kaiya,” I urged, moving closer to her. “You need to breathe or you’re going to pass out.”

Her hands fell to her sides as she stepped away from the bag and took deep breaths. She began to pace in a small circle in front of me as she steadied her breathing.

“Are you sure everything is okay?” I asked again as I handed her water bottle.

She took the bottle, greedily drinking before taking more deep breaths. “Yeah, I just… I had a bad night last night, and it carried over into today.”

I furrowed my brow. I wonder what happened.

“Well, take it easy, alright? I don’t want you to overexert yourself.”

She nodded before focusing back on the bag and repeatedly kicking the shit out of it.

There’s that warrior.

After the kickboxing segment of class, I decided to work with Kaiya on different strikes since she was still so tense—she definitely needed to keep hitting something.

“I’m going to teach you where you should target different hits. First thing I’m going to show you is strikes that are best for the face—avoid directly punching someone in the face because you’ll more than likely break your hand. Only use elbows, hammer-fists, and palm strikes when you are hitting the face.”

I modeled a palm strike on one of our dummy bags, which had the upper body of a man, instead of the regular, cylindrical punching bag. I wanted Kaiya to target the specific areas of the body we were working on. I then repeated the same with elbows and hammer-fists, stopping for Kaiya to practice each one. I loved watching her body move and seeing sweat glisten over her skin. F*ck, I want to feel that body beneath me.

I didn’t notice that Kaiya had completed the last move until she cleared her throat. When our eyes met, she smiled shyly and asked, “What next?”

Smooth. She caught you checking her out. Concentrate. Playing cool, I ignored that she had noticed me looking at her. “You can also use a double palm strike on an attacker’s ears, which will completely knock off their equilibrium. Aim for right here,” I instructed as I demonstrated on the dummy. “Right outside the ear. Slam as hard as you can.”

We continued working on different strikes, and Kaiya’s anger began to slowly fade as she released it on the bag. I didn’t focus on her technique that much because I could tell she needed to blow off some steam, so I just let her. I knew she’d been hiding something beneath her guarded exterior, and whatever it was affecting her tenfold today.

When class was over, I stopped Kaiya as she was about to walk out, catching her at the door. I pulled her to the side as the remaining students squeezed past us and left. “Hey, you want to grab a drink? You seem stressed today.”