Passing as Elias

chapter Nine

Touching Merrill

This continued for another week. Merrill had gotten into the habit of sneaking out of her home during the night, and visiting Elias. She had given Merrill a key to the front door so she could come and go as she pleased. This had resulted in late night wanderings on Merrill’s behalf. On numerous occasions Elizabeth had woken to Merrill sneaking through the front door. Of course, this did present a problem, because it meant Elizabeth must be disguised as Elias constantly. She fretted about her wig coming off during the night, so she slept very little while Merrill was there. Never did Elizabeth allow Merrill to touch her in a sexual manner, though Merrill tried often. On the seventh night in a row of sharing a bed, Merrill lay with her head propped upon her hands, and watched Elizabeth.

‘Is everything all right, Merrill?’ Elizabeth asked, turning to face her.

‘Mmmh.’ She said, running a hand along Elizabeth’s nightshirt. She had started wearing it because Merrill was always coming over now. Elizabeth’s chest was extremely sore from being bound tightly so often.

‘Sir, are you afraid to be close to me?’ Merrill asked after a minute of silence.

‘No.’ Elizabeth lied.

‘Why do you not let me touch you?’

‘Because,’ Elizabeth said, racking her brains, ‘because you are only seventeen, Merrill, and are not yet married. A man and a woman must be married before they can…’ She trailed off. A man and a woman, she thought irritably.

‘I did not think it would bother you, Sir.’ Merrill fingered a button on Elizabeth’s nightshirt. Elizabeth swatted her hand away, and Merrill looked slightly hurt.

‘Do you not find me attractive?’ She asked.

Elizabeth screwed up her eyes and prayed, for what, she did not know. A penis? No.

For Merrill to want her, even as a woman? Yes.

‘Of course I do.’ Elizabeth reassured, ‘I do not wish to … spoil you.’

‘Have you ever made love before, Mister Searson?’

Elizabeth was caught off guard by this bold question. What would the appropriate answer be? Yes, Elizabeth had had sexual intercourse with George Greenwood, but that had hardly counted as ‘making love’, especially not in the way that Merrill imagined.

‘I am not a virgin Merrill, no.’ Elizabeth said honestly.

‘What was she like?’ Merrill whispered.

Elizabeth sat up in bed, and pinched the bridge of her nose. She was frustrated by Merrill’s persistence. If only Merrill knew how badly Elizabeth wanted to touch her. If only she knew how she burned with desire.

‘Merrill, please.’ Elizabeth begged, ‘I do not wish to talk about it.’

‘Did she leave you, Sir?’ Merrill persisted, ‘Is that why you are afraid to be close?’

Elizabeth could not handle it anymore, ‘Merrill.’ She said warningly.

‘I would not leave you. I would not hurt you.’

‘It it not my feelings I am worried about.’ Elizabeth said through gritted teeth.

‘You will not hurt me, Sir. I promise.’ Merrill seemed desperate now, desperate for Elizabeth to love her in the way a man and a woman should. Oh, if only she knew how much Elizabeth did love her. More than anything in the world.

‘I fear I might hurt you.’ Elizabeth said, avoiding Merrill’s eyes.

And then she did something that Elizabeth had not expected. Merrill grabbed Elizabeth’s hand and thrust it underneath her nightdress, between Merrill’s thighs. Elizabeth’s heart felt as though it were locked it a vice. She was frozen to the spot.

‘Please.’ Merrill whispered, leaning forwards and pressing her bosom against Elizabeth, ‘Please.’

Elizabeth could feel the heat emanating from Merrill’s crotch. Elizabeth’s hand cupped her hot mound, and she could feel the wetness there, soaking her fingers. Merrill forced her lips upon Elizabeth’s, and kissed her hungrily. She straddled Elizabeth and held her hand in place against her crotch. Elizabeth could not have moved away if she had wanted to.

‘Please, touch me.’ Merrill breathed through their kiss. Her warm breath washed over Elizabeth, and she felt drunk from it. She was intoxicated by Merrill and did not want to fight the burning sensation between her own thighs. Merrill was shaking as she kissed along Elizabeth’s jaw.

Elizabeth groaned as Merrill’s lips met the nape of her neck. It was a deep, animalistic sound that she had never heard escape from her own mouth before.

‘Please, Sir.’ Merrill begged, ‘I want you to touch me. Please.’ Merrill used Elizabeth’s own fingers to rub against her crotch.

Elizabeth complied.

Shivers ran through Elizabeth’s spine, and the thrill was exhilarating. She was overwhelmed with the scent, and the feel of Merrill, who grinded against her hand. Elizabeth rubbed, and massaged, and toyed with the little nub between Merrill’s sweet folds. She writhed and panted into Elizabeth’s neck. Elizabeth allowed one finger to sink between the folds, and feel the warm velvet inside her. Merrill gasped, and clenched her thighs against Elizabeth. For a moment Elizabeth feared she may have hurt her, but that did not seem to be the case. Merrill grinded against Elizabeth, her movements becoming more fervent as whispered the name Elias.

‘Elias.’ She said over and over. Elizabeth felt a wave of fresh jealousy, but she did not stop. She slid another finger inside Merrill, and felt how tight she was. Of course Merrill was a virgin, this may have been the first time anyone had ever touched her like this. Would Merrill be upset that her first sexual encounter had been with a woman? Elizabeth would not allow her to discover the truth. She could not bear to lose Merrill.

Merrill gasped, and buried her face in the crook of Elizabeth’s neck. She bit down, and Elizabeth could not help but moan. Elizabeth was wet, and her own crotch tingled torturously, but there could be no satisfaction. The knowledge of this almost drove her mad with desire.

At long last, Elizabeth felt the hot walls of Merrill’s womanhood tighten around her fingers. Merrill cried out, clenched her thighs around Elizabeth’s hand, and gave a small convulsion. A wave of warmth washed over Elizabeth’s hand, and they were both left panting in each other’s arms.

‘I do love you.’ Elizabeth whispered into Merrill’s hair, ‘I love you, Merrill.’ She could not stop the words rushing forth. It was as though she could not hold them in any longer. Elizabeth said it over and over again, while Merrill clutched her. When Merrill released her, tears streaked her face, and Elizabeth kissed them away.

‘Elias.’ She kissed Elizabeth deeply. Their tongues swirled and Elizabeth felt a pang of pain through her heart.

~

It had been the best, and worst night of Elizabeth’s life. She reveled in Merrill’s love and admiration as they held each other all through the night, kissing, and embracing. Yet something heavy weighed her heart down, and it was the knowledge that this could not last. Eventually, it would all come undone, and Elizabeth would be revealed as an imposter. When the truth came out, Merrill would leave her.

Perhaps Elizabeth should run away, or fake her own death, for the thought of Merrill abandoning her would be so painful she might die from it. Perhaps they could depart on terms that would leave Elizabeth’s memory a good one in the eyes of Merrill. After all, Merrill did not need to know that Elias Searson was really a woman. Yet this deception caused Elizabeth great internal pain. The guilt was almost paralyzing.

If the public discovered that Elizabeth had ‘tricked’ a young woman into her bed she would surely receive a public flogging. Or worse, they would send her to the mad house. Yet the fear of this did not match Elizabeth’s fear of Merrill leaving her.

When the sun rose, Merrill lay cocooned against Elizabeth. She was curled into a ball, with Elizabeth’s free arm wrapped around her stomach. Elizabeth had slept badly, as usual. With immense effort, she removed herself from the bed without waking her lover, and proceeded to the washroom across the hall.

She locked the door behind her, and finally took off the disguised that had taken over her life. It was immensely relieving to stand naked in front of the full-length mirror. She stared at her reflection, and the bruise upon her neck. It was like a brand that Merrill had given her, claiming Elias as her own. She touched it with her fingertips and sighed.

After washing herself, Elizabeth felt much better. It was as though she had washed away all of her sins and was left fresh, and pure.

Footsteps could be heard on the landing.

‘Elias?’ Merrill’s voice called through the door.

‘Yes?’ Elizabeth said in her falsely deep voice, rushing about and collecting her male clothes. It was horrible strapping her breasts down, but it must be done.

‘Is everything okay?’

‘Yes, fine. Just cleaning up.’ Elizabeth said as she hurriedly put on her breeches.

‘Mayhap I could help you?’ Merrill said in a teasing tone.

‘Oh.’ Elizabeth stalled as she tightened the bindings around her chest. ‘Um, I am almost done.’

Merrill tried the doorknob, but discovered that it was locked.

‘Can I not come in?’ Merrill asked.

‘One moment!’ Elizabeth called.

Elizabeth went to open the door, but stopped herself. Wig, she reminded herself.

‘Shit, shit, shit.’ She breathed as she tried to put it on as quickly as possible.

‘Are you okay?’ Merrill asked through the door.

Elizabeth wrenched it open and smiled at Merrill, ‘Just dressing.’ She said airily.

‘Do you mind if I clean up?’ Merrill asked.

‘Not at all.’

Merrill entered the washroom and began to strip before Elizabeth’s eyes. She took the hem of her nightdress and lifted it over her head. Her dark hair fell and splayed down her back, reaching her buttocks. Elizabeth looked away, ashamed of her perversion.

Merrill looked over her shoulder, ‘Do you want to help?’

Elizabeth looked back and could not help but comply. She was truly and utterly under Merrill’s spell.