I can’t stop beating myself up for the way that I acted today. I should’ve talked things through with Nate. My fucking cheater-radar is on such a damn hair trigger, that I couldn’t even bear to hear him out. But when the life of someone you love hangs in the balance, it puts a whole new perspective on things.
Leaning forward, I place my head in my hands while I wait. My mind drifts back to so many times with him. From the first time that I saw him in my office and had to pretend to be busy with the receptionist in order to compose myself, to the first time we had sex. Every second with him I’ve cherished. Minus the minor bumps, we’ve had a great relationship. Nate isn’t perfect, but everyone can change…can’t they?
“El?” the voice is raspy and I look up to see Nate being wheeled into the room.
I run to him practically throwing myself on top of him when the nurse stops the bed.
He holds me and we both begin to cry. I’d been so worried that I’d never get another chance with him. Today I thought it was the end for us, and now, here we are, reunited and he’s alive. It’s more than I can handle.
“How are you?” I ask, pulling back a little, our faces stay close to one another’s while I wait for his response.
He blinks a few times and says, “I’m okay. I’m so sorry for today. I need to explain.”
“I talked to Nash, and he told me some of what happened, but I still don’t get why you don’t tell me these things?”
“Listen, El, I fucked up. There’s no denying that. I should have been honest with you.”
“You should have. You can always tell me anything.”
“That’s just it. It’s not you, El.”
I look at him confused. “What do you mean?”
He clenches my hands even tighter. “It’s me. I lie to protect myself.” I stare at him a bit stunned, not sure how to respond. “El, I don’t want to hide behind PTSD, and for the most part, I’ve learned to cope with how trauma has changed me. Then when stuff started to happen to me, when all of this started coming up, it was like telling you the truth wasn’t an option.”
“I don’t know what you mean, Nate.” There is a sense of pressure on my shoulders and I don’t think I’m going to like his answer. Tears gloss over his eyes.
“It’s part of what I went through when I was a POW and now being home. I guess I haven’t quite handled everything. I think I put on a good front, but I do a lot of stupid shit to keep from feeling freaked out. Panicky and shit. God, I hate even saying this out loud.”
I nod my head and lay my head down on his shoulder. I’m scared for what’s next. How is he supposed to get over this? He places a hand on my head and in this moment, in this second, I promise to myself to never give up on Nate again. No matter what. I’ve known all along that he’s damaged. I thought it was a lot like I am, but it’s far worse than me.
I wake disoriented and out of it. I’m huddled in a ball and immediately reach for Nate, but he’s out of my grasp. Blinking a few times, I try and pull the room together. Then it hits me. We’re in the hospital.
I find Nate right away and focus on him, watching him sleep so peacefully. He’s on his side, his face close to mine. Reaching up, I touch him, cupping his cheek before I get up and sneak out to the nurse’s station where I can use a restroom.
The nurse smiles as I emerge, leaving the door cracked. When I come back, I take the opportunity to ask the nurse what really happened to him.
“Mr. Wilcox lost a lot of blood after being shot in the shoulder. Thankfully the bullet didn’t hit any nerves or bone and nothing serious was injured, so our surgeons were able to close the wound pretty easily, but he did lose a heck of a lot of blood.”
“When can he go home?”
“In the next few days, as long as there are no complications.”
I go back in and sit next to Nate, resting my head on the side of his bed while I trace my fingers gently over his arm. My stomach tightens as I think about the future. Tears fill my eyes and one droplet lands on his arm. Nate wraps his arm over my head holding me and asks, “What’s the matter?”
“I’m worried, Nate.”
“Why?” he asks.
“Because I don’t know what the future has in store for us.”
“No one knows what the future will bring them. But please, don’t worry, baby, we’ll figure it all out together.”
As much as I want to believe his words, I can’t. Nate hasn’t been honest with me and that’s unsettling, to say the least. Another tear drips on his arm.
“El, please tell me what I can do. I’ll do anything to make things better.”
“I don’t know how to make me trust you,” I say the words without looking at him. My heart is heavy as I fear the worst.
“We can go to counseling. Anything.”
Lifting my head, I look him in the eyes. Christ, he’s sexy. His hair is a mess and his dark eyes are so sad and filled with tears. “Please El, I’ll do anything, but I can’t lose you.”