“What?” Nick asked.
Spencer took a deep breath. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what we talked about the other night. About my job.”
“Have you?”
Spencer nodded. “And today, talking to Percy, that just kind of drove a few points home.” He met Nick’s eyes again. “I’m miserable too. I go to work every day, do all the tedious shit that would drive most people into a bottle, and all the while pretend I’m someone else. The only time I get to be who I am is here.” He cleared his throat, twice. “Especially when I’m here with you.”
All the air slipped out of Nick’s lungs. “So what . . . what are you going to do?”
“I spent a little time today looking up some options, read some forums. There are more gay-friendly law firms out there, for one, and I could even change fields and work for a company that has normal hours—there are some around. Generally downshift, so I have more of a life, though on a smaller salary. If everything else fails, I could get qualified in general health and wellness and massage therapy in a year or two.” He paused, shifting his weight once, then twice. “Maybe you and I can work something out.”
“Such as . . .?”
“I’ll stick with law for now,” Spencer said. “While you finish up your studies. Save some money so there’s a good cushion and all, and once you’re on your feet with your career, then I can change mine.”
Nick took a long moment just to comprehend what Spencer was suggesting. He’d pegged the whole thing all wrong. Spencer wasn’t stripping away his independence and caging him in. This was a two-way street. That whole give-and-take thing he’d never really experienced in a relationship.
“I still have a year and half left,” he said. “Before I graduate. And that’s just the start. Work experience, getting chartered. It’ll be years.”
Spencer nodded. “That’d be more than enough time to save some money. If we help each other out on this, we could both be in less miserable careers within, what, five years?”
“You’d be willing to wait that long.” Nick blinked. “Stay with the firm or one like it, hold off on what you want . . . until I’m settled into my career?”
“Yes.” Spencer reached for Nick’s hand and slipped his fingers between Nick’s. “We both deserve to be happy, don’t you think?”
I’m just not so sure I deserve a man like you.
Spencer’s thumb traced a slow arc along the side of Nick’s hand. “No one has to make a decision tonight. If you want to think on it, we—”
“I want to.”
Spencer jumped.
Nick took a breath. He clasped Spencer’s hand a little tighter and stepped closer to him. “There’s nothing to think about. I want to.”
Spencer gave a long, relieved sigh. “But if you say yes now and decide differently further down the road that it’s not working, then . . .”
“Understood. Things change.” Five years, though. That seemed manageable. He could rent out the studio. It would cover the mortgage payment, possibly a little extra. And that way, he’d keep it as an emergency thing, too. If it didn’t work out. “But it’s no reason not to take a little risk.”
“No risk from my point of view. We can keep each other’s backs free. And I’ll be much happier knowing there’s light at the end of the tunnel, too.”
“Same here.” Nick grinned and pulled him closer for a kiss.
Spencer’s shoulders relaxed, and Nick would almost have thought it was a sign that Spencer had given up responsibility—submitted to him, but it now seemed like simple relief.
So much acceptance, levelheadedness and strength, he did envy Spencer those. In this case, though, maybe it was also that Spencer felt accepted; if he felt Nick was on his side, had his back, was on the same page, that gave Spencer the courage to be strong for both of them.
He should have seen it earlier—it was all give and take, one of them building upon the other, a self-supporting structure built on trust, just like any other relationship, whether it involved whips and chains or not. That I love you hadn’t come easily, but now the things they could build on were taking shape. Room in which to develop all the things they could give each other, all the things they could learn about each other.
Spencer met his eyes. “There’s also the guest bedroom. That could be your study. Or if you want your own bed—”
“Now you’re getting ridiculous. If anything, I’ll kick you out of the main bedroom, or you’ll sleep on the floor.”
Spencer gave a short laugh. “Yes, you would.” He paused. “I mean, if that’s what you wanted.”
“The last thing I’d want is to sleep anywhere you aren’t.” Nick reached up and gripped Spencer’s tie right under the knot. Just before he kissed Spencer again, he said, “And don’t you forget it.”