Spencer nodded. “What’s on your mind? If you care to tell me.”
I care. That’s the problem.
“Trying to work out what it all means. You know, for the future.”
“Which part of the future?” Spencer sat down opposite and offered his hand on the table between them.
Nick took it with both hands and squeezed it. Remembered squeezing Spencer’s hand while they’d been fucking. Grabbing him rather than the chain.
Spencer ran his thumb along the side of Nick’s hand. “I’m sure we can . . . well, at least share some thoughts here.”
Nick shrugged. “I love you. It’s changing quite a bit in my head. In my life. I’m not . . . into doing this with other people anymore. And it’s not because I think you disapprove. I’m just not . . . hell, I could still fuck them, but this, what we’re doing. It’s so . . .” Beautiful. Pristine. Pure. Best thing I’ve ever had.
Spencer squeezed his hands and smiled at him. So much heartbreaking fucking tenderness in that expression, it clogged up Nick’s throat. And Spencer didn’t interrupt him, just listened.
“You know. It’s just so.” Squeezing all those meanings into one tiny word.
“Nick.” Spencer kissed his hands. “You know I love you. And I can’t stand seeing you this miserable. Are you sure this”—he gestured at himself, then Nick—“is something you can still do?” He raised his eyebrows. “I mean, continue with?”
“What? Yes!” Nick’s pulse jumped. “Of course. I . . .”
“But you’re unhappy.”
Nick blew out a frustrated breath. “Okay, I am. But it’s . . .”
“Your job, or . . . this?”
“This is good,” he said quickly. “It’s great. Of course I want to keep going.”
“I know you want to,” Spencer said. “But can you?”
Nick met Spencer’s gaze. Did Spencer really think Nick would sacrifice him for his job again? Sex with people whose names he cared nothing about? Walk out on him again for cash? Funny, he’d always thought this kind of shit would surface when he ended up in a relationship—that somebody would insist he quit, an ultimatum thrown out in a game of emotional blackmail. He’d often thought about it and decided that nobody would control him like that. There would be no negotiations about how he paid his way and put food on his table. He was a rentboy, and anyone who felt the need to question his choice of employment could show themselves to the door.
He’d just never have anticipated that it would be him who’d question it first.
Spencer squeezed his hands again. “Look, it’s early. I need to get to the office, and you need sleep.” His eyebrow arched slightly, as if warning Nick not to argue with him about that last bit. “Do you think we can talk about it this evening? After we’ve both had a chance to give it some thought? Then we can make an informed decision. Together.”
Nick nodded, gut churning with nerves. “Okay. We’ll talk this evening.”
He let Spencer slip away and listened while he showered and got dressed. Spencer was right; it was too early to try to hash this out. The only time Nick was ever up at five in the fucking morning was if he was still up.
Spencer came out of the bedroom in his suit and with an old-fashioned leather briefcase under one arm. “I’ll see you tonight, then?”
“Yeah. Just text me.” Nick nodded towards the front door. “I’ll leave with you. See if I can grab a couple more hours of sleep at home.”
“Sounds good.” Spencer kissed him before he opened the door and let them both out.
They went their separate ways, and when Nick shuffled through his own front door, fatigue was catching up to him. His limbs were heavy, his eyes scratchy. Sleep was even more appealing now than it had been when he’d been lying next to Spencer. And no wonder. It was after six in the morning.
He stripped down and grabbed a quick shower. Funny how the hot water highlighted all the stiffness in his neck and shoulders, but didn’t bother to relieve it for him. Maybe he’d have to get a massage from Spencer this evening. Those incredible hands always seemed to help.
Except that was part of the problem. Spencer was amazing. He was submissive, he listened, he massaged, he cooked, he did everything Nick could ever ask of a boyfriend, and that was making Nick’s life hell.
He towelled off and then got into bed. The warm water, not to mention the early hour, had made him even more tired, and by all rights, he should have fallen asleep immediately.
But of course, he didn’t. He was physically and mentally exhausted, he was warm and comfortable, and now he was fucking wide awake.