The Saddest Song

Chapter 8

Rainey

The days have a way of passing, and so they passed, some worse than others, and I persevered through them one after another. I tried not to look backwards and there seemed nothing to look forward to, so I existed in the here and now. The stares of my fellow students slowly tapered off, the rumors about Max and I never quite taking hold. Anyone who had known Garrett and I were simply not buying it. They had eyes and they could see the shell of the girl they had known.

The Rainey Martin they remembered smiled as she held hands with Garrett, this Rainey held tightly to her sanity with both hands, although they probably weren’t sure that I wouldn’t give in and let go. So, when it came to the twin, how could any of them begrudge me the comfort of Max?

And what about Max? He too, was a shell of his former self. Half of a perfect set. Missing his match. I was missing mine too. Surely everyone could see that it was as natural as breathing for us to try and fill the void with each other.

This must have been the reason that I began to fear something happening to Max. I had nightmares where he died too, and came to me as a ghost telling me to get over it, he needed to be with his twin. I bonded more closely with Mrs. McKinley as I shared her anxiety over the safety and health of her only remaining child. I waited to eat while I was with him so that he would eat too. I told him I was frightened by fast driving because of the accident so he would drive slower and with more caution. I avoided calling him late at night when my loneliness was at its height so that he could get the sleep I knew he needed.

My clock hadn’t turned off in a couple of weeks and there had been no more messages by either candy or text. I began to count the time since Garrett died in months, not days. Two months that felt like two years. The memories of the last time I had seen him felt less crisp, more fragmented in my memory. So many moments that I would have memorized had I only knew they were our last.

If he were here now he would be in the midst of his beloved football season. The joy he felt when the team made it to CIF last year was immeasurable so I secretly rejoiced this season whenever I heard that the team had lost a game. I didn’t want them to win and have Garrett miss out on another championship.

My selfishness was immature, and I knew Garrett would never want the team to lose whether he was there playing for them or not. I couldn’t even watch the team play. I wished they would just forfeit the whole season in his honor. Instead they wore his name on wristbands and had a moment of silence for him at the first home game. I sat with Max and his parents and when I closed my eyes I pictured Garrett last year, pulling off his helmet at the end of every game, smiling at me up in the bleachers, win or lose. I’d meet him, my voice hoarse from cheering, his hair wet from the shower, outside the gym and we’d kiss…We made it through half of the game. Max whispered in my ear and we escaped during half time. Football was no longer a part of any of our lives. As far as we were concerned, football was dead too.

It was while Max and I were driving home one Friday afternoon that he shocked me by bringing up Homecoming. Up until this point I had tried not to think about it, or look at the posters lining the school halls. When girls were talking about their dates or dresses I found an excuse to leave the class or change the subject. Even Caitlynn had not mentioned a thing about it and I had no idea if she had plans to attend.

“Rainey, what do you want to do about Homecoming this year?” Max said, his voice calm and matter of fact.

“Pretend it doesn’t exist,” I said.

“Kind of hard to do, isn’t it? That’s all anybody is talking about at school.” He glanced over at me and I shrugged.

“Well, what if you and I went? Would you like to go?” He asked, his eyes not straying from the road.

“To Homecoming? Why? Do you want to go?” I asked, surprised.

“Well, if you would like to I wouldn’t mind. It might be good to do something social. We haven’t done anything at all since the accident. I just thought you might want to feel normal again.”

“Max, if you want to take someone please don’t let me keep you from it. “ I suddenly wondered if he felt obligated to take me as a favor to his brother.

“Rainey, there is no one I want to go with. I just didn’t know if it might be something you would want to do with your friends. It is your senior year.”

“ It’s yours too,” I said. “Thanks Max, but I don’t want to go.”

“Okay, there’s a couple weeks left, if you change your mind just let me know.”

His face stared straight ahead but I couldn’t help thinking that he looked a bit disappointed. I felt bad, just not bad enough to go to Homecoming. I had three years of Homecoming pictures lined up on my shelf, there would not be a fourth, not without Garrett.

“Maybe we could go to a movie that night and grab a pizza or something,” I offered in exchange.

Max looked over at me and smiled.

“That could be nice.”





Max

I got turned down flat when I offered to take Rainey to the Homecoming dance. I tried to be as genuine as I could when I asked. I knew that it was a huge hurdle for her, facing the first big school event without Garrett by her side. I debated asking her to go, but thought that if she wanted to I should agree to take her. Like most girls, she loved those dances. I know my brother had liked them too. I always followed his lead and asked someone to go, but I couldn’t help thinking school dances were lame. Once we got there the music always sucked and everyone was always waiting until the mandated hour where we could leave, and then on the party buses home there was always at least one drunk kid puking in the aisle. After asking I had tried to keep my expression blank when she said no, but secretly, I was relieved.

I assumed we would go out for pizza and a movie to distract ourselves on Homecoming night but a far better alternative presented itself when I went to pick up guitar strings at the music store. As soon as I walked in the door I heard a voice yell out, “Max! Where’ve you been?” Looking to my right I saw my friend Colin standing there.

“Hey Colin, what’s up?” I shook his hand and smiled. Colin was the coolest guy. He was an amazing singer and songwriter. I had learned a ton from him when we had written a couple songs together earlier in the summer.

“I was just thinking about you! You didn’t answer my texts. Are you done with song writing? Too busy or what? Cause you are really good.”

“No, I’m sorry. I uh…Actually, I lost my twin brother in an accident a couple months ago and kind of dropped out for awhile. It’s been tough.” I said it without too much pain, I had learned to talk about it finally, I guess.

“ Man, I am so sorry to hear that. I had no idea. That’s awful.” Colin looked as horrified as everyone did when they heard.

“It’s cool. I’m starting to surface a bit. I’d love to start working together again if you ever want to.”

“Absolutely. That’d be great. What are you doing Saturday night? I’m opening for Mark Kerrey. I can put your name on the list if you want to go.”

“I’d love to. Can I bring someone?”

“Sure. I will put a plus one and text you with the address and time. I’m so glad I ran into you.”

“Me too. Thanks Colin. I’ll see you Saturday.”

“I’ll see you then.” We shook hands again and he left. I grabbed my strings and headed back home feeling like I was meant to run into him. Rainey would love his music and I had even given her some of Mark Kerrey’s music earlier in the summer. A former drummer in a couple of bands, Mark was just going out on his own with his music. He had amazing talent.

I thought about how I shouldn’t assume she would want to go. I would ask her as if I didn’t care if we went or not. No pressure. We could do pizza and a movie, or go to the concert, either one would be fine as long as it distracted her from thinking of the dance.