The Saddest Song

Chapter 7

Rainey

The first day of my senior year was as sad as I expected it to be. To survive it Max and I rode together in the black pickup truck the twins had shared. I had ridden to school with them every morning since they got it, seated happily in the middle of the cab, the twins taking turns driving. They had loved and fought over their truck, always trying to talk the other one into letting them have it for a Friday or Saturday night. Now it was all Max’s, but I knew he would give anything to have his brother back to share it with him. It was hard to pull into the familiar parking spot and climb out without having a quick kiss from Garrett before my heavy backpack was thrown effortlessly over his shoulder.

I climbed out of the truck, carrying my new backpack, wearing my new clothes and Max gave me a tight smile. With a deep breath, we walked slowly across the parking lot and headed towards campus and the sight of our fellow students greeting each other happily. As soon as they saw us the laughter and smiles were replaced with sad expressions of sympathy for the two of us. I felt nauseated as we made our way to our lockers.

“Rainey!” Caitlynn shouted, and I was suddenly engulfed in a cloud of Chanel perfume and a hug that made me self conscious. I pulled away and felt all the pity stares that Cait seemed not to notice.

“Hi Max! How are you?” She hugged him next, giving him a concerned look. She had been a little in love with Max since freshman year. We used to dream of double dates but I realized a long time before Cait did that it wasn’t going to happen. I just never wanted to be the one to tell her.

“I’m doing alright. Are you ready for the first day?” He asked, deflecting the attention from his mental state.

“If by ready you mean already wishing it was Friday, then, yes,” Cait replied with a smile, trying to keep the tone as light as possible.

“Yeah, me too,” Max said, with a half smile before gesturing down the hallway. “Well I better get to class. I’ll see you guys later.”

Before I could reply he was swallowed up by the crowd of our classmates.

“How is he really? He looks so pale,” she said.

“He just has a lot to deal with. He has to watch out for his parents too,” I explained curtly, as we both started to head down the hall. Gossiping about his state, even though it was with Caitlynn, just didn’t feel right.

“I’m glad you guys have each other,” she said. But the way she said it made me wonder if she really meant it. I knew I had neglected her. I’d been crying on Max’s shoulder instead of hers and that had to have hurt her feelings.

“Yeah, he’s as lost as I am, and that is pretty lost. It helps us to be together. It makes the pain a tiny bit more bearable,” I said softly and earnestly. I really didn’t want her to resent the time I spent with him, I wanted her to understand. To change the topic and try to stay afloat, I gestured to the coral colored sundress I was wearing.

“I owe you another thank you. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have had this dress to wear today.”

Smiling now, she took in the outfit. “I knew you would look amazing in that dress! You have to let me borrow it sometime.”

I smiled back, happy I had made her feel better. “Anytime, Cait. You have free reign of my closet as always!” We chatted for a few more moments and then parted, promising to meet up in math class. As the first warning bell sounded, I quickly headed to my first class of the day and was seated with seconds to spare when the final bell went off.

Two classes and many offers of sympathy later, the lunch bell rang and I sighed in relief. Half a day down, and my nerves were stretched to their limit. I dug the sack lunch my mom had made for me out of my locker and headed outside to find a quiet place to sit down. Before I got down the hallway I was intercepted by Max and I smiled my first genuine smile of the day.

“Hi,” I said.

“Hey! So, ready to go claim a lunch spot?”

I nodded, and we didn’t speak again until we found an empty spot on the lawn under a tree on the farthest edge of campus. Sitting down, neither of us opened our lunch but we both opened our mouths to talk at the same time. Laughing we each waited for the other to speak.

Finally Max said, “Was it as bad as you pictured it was going to be?”

“Truthfully? Worse.”

‘Yeah, for me too.”

‘Everyone is really sweet, but all the hugs and the sad stares of pity. I can just hear everyone thinking how happy they are that they aren’t me. Poor Rainey.” I shivered at the horror of it.

“Me too. How long until they forget? I’d say it wouldn’t be long but I heard the football team are all wearing Garrett’s number on their arms at the first game on Friday. And get this, Ryder Henley even got a tattoo of Garrett’s name.”

“What?” I yelled, then looked around covering my mouth. Nobody was near enough to have heard me. Lowering my voice I continued, “That’s insane. He and Garrett hated each other.”

“Yeah, well now that he is dead, suddenly they were best friends.”

“I can’t believe it, that jerk! Garrett would flip if he knew.”

“Oh, he knows,” Max said looking straight into my eyes. “He knows and he is probably laughing because that idiot will be reminded of him for the rest of his life.”

I saw the irony in his words and laughed.

“Max, I’m so happy I have you. I wouldn’t have survived this without you to talk to.” Impulsively I put my hand on his and he linked his fingers through mine and squeezed.

“Yeah, me too. I know Garrett is happy we are helping each other through this.” We sat like that for a few moments until a shrill female voice jolted us apart.

“Well, it didn’t take you long to replace your boyfriend with his twin brother!”

Looking up I cringed when I realized the voice belonged to Kelsey Carter, head cheerleader and one of the biggest gossips at our school. Kelsey and I had never gotten along and I was sure it was mainly due to her feelings for Garrett. She had tried her hardest over the years to steal him from me and failed miserably.

“What are you talking about Kelsey? Nobody is replacing anyone,” Max snapped back at her, angry.

“Sure doesn’t look that way to us,” she said, referring to the four members of the cheer squad staring open mouthed at Max and my joined hands. My instinct was to pull my hand away but Max held it securely. I knew he was thinking we were doing nothing wrong, and didn’t want me to give into her accusations.

“Poor Garrett,” she whined. “Come on ladies.” She stomped off as if she had been personally offended, her fellow cheer buddies following close behind.

“That’s just great,” Max said in frustration, finally releasing my hand to run his through his hair.

“Do you really think anybody will listen to what Kelsey says?”

“Rainey, I know nobody really likes her, but yeah, they’ll listen. This just adds fuel to the gossip about us.”

“Well, as long as we know the truth that is all that matters,” I said, steeling myself for the gossip ahead. And it didn’t take long. By the time Max and I met at his truck after school we had experienced just how much damage Kelsey was capable of. Where I had received sympathy stares in the morning, by the afternoon I was met with disgusted sneers. Four people had come right out and asked me if I was involved with Max before Garrett had even died. One girl passed by me and whispered how convenient it was that Garrett was killed. I didn’t reply or defend myself. What they wanted to believe they could go ahead and believe. Besides, I could see by their actions I had already been tried and convicted.

“Well, I think senior year is off to a great start. I hope you won’t be afraid to be seen with me at school now that we are a couple of cheaters.” I looked at him and tried for a grin but my attempt failed and I felt tears well up. I turned away, blinking rapidly to stop them from falling but one rogue tear escaped down my cheek. Max turned my face towards him and matter of factly wiped the offending tear away with his finger, and putting the truck in reverse, changed the subject.

“Want to do homework at my house or yours?”

“Yours. You know your mom probably made her brownies.” Today would be tough on her too, she would need us.

“That’s a pretty safe bet. Don’t worry about all that crap. You know Kelsey will find a new victim by next week.”

The house smelled of fudge brownies as we entered through the kitchen door. A note on the counter informed us that Mrs. McKinley was visiting at the neighbors and would return soon. I was surprised to feel actual hunger as I cut the still warm brownies. I had grown used to avoiding food and to accept the accompanying stomach pains when I did make myself eat. When Max handed me one of the two large glasses of milk I sat at the table and prepared to force myself to take a small bite. But this time after the first taste I quickly and willingly ate two, draining the milk along with them. Max watched me, eyes widening, but said nothing. He ate his also and then we went straight to homework.

There wasn’t a lot of homework on the first day of school, but there were a few review sheets that we needed to complete. Max finished before me thanks to the thirty math problems I had to struggle through.

“Want some help with that?” Max moved his chair closer to mine and began to figure a problem before I even had time to reply. He quickly made his way through the problems, explaining them as he went.

“Thanks Max, I forgot how good you are at Math. I suck.”

“Yeah, well you can help me with history, how’s that?”

“You got it, “I said, packing my books into my new backpack.

“I’m working on a new song. Do you want to hear it?” Max asked, casually. I nodded enthusiastically and followed him up the stairs. Pausing at Garrett’s doorway I peeked in, knowing with certainty he would not appear. I had finally gotten past the “what if it was all a dream” stage. I just looked in because it made me remember him and it was still my favorite thing to do. I never ever wanted to forget him. I was afraid that too many days without him would make the memories fade away.

“You coming?” Max asked gently, standing in his doorway.

“Of course.” I kept my eyes on him and followed him into his room. He picked up his guitar and sat on the corner of his bed while I sat on the couch and listened to him strum the guitar, his fingers picking out a haunting melody, slow and beautiful.

When he finished I smiled. “Max, you are so talented. That was really, really beautiful. It sounded like the saddest song. Does it have lyrics?” I asked, curious.

“Sad, huh? I’m not done with it yet. You know I have to get the melody done before I can write the lyrics.”

“Well, I can’t wait to hear them.”

“Hi Max! Hi Rainey! I see you found the brownies.” Mrs. McKinley came in and hugged each of us. We filled her in on our first day of senior year, leaving out the nasty parts. She didn’t question us and seemed to be holding up pretty well.

“Rainey, did Garrett turn off your clock last night?” She had gotten into the habit of asking me every day. I didn’t mind, it was one of the highlights of my day.

“He did! I was smart enough to set my alarm on my phone instead so I didn’t oversleep!”

She laughed and her eyes lit up when she said, “I think I felt him around me today. When I was making the brownies the timer turned itself off twice. I think he knew I would need him today. It was a long day without you guys.”

“You didn’t feel like going to Yoga?” I asked.

“No, I haven’t since…it’s funny, the only time I leave the house is to go to the grocery store. I know I need to. I just walked next door to see Linda and you should have seen her face! She looked so surprised. I need to get my life back so Garrett isn’t worried. We all do.”

She looked pointedly at the two of us.

“We’re trying mom. I played my new song for Rainey. Do you want to hear it?”

“Sure, I’d love to, what’s it called?” She asked, sitting down next to me on the couch.

Max looked at me and answered her as he began to pick out the notes. “It’s called The Saddest Song.”





Max

School has a way of creating a pattern that is easy to follow without expending an abundance of emotion or energy. I welcomed the routine. Living without Garrett was like learning a new language, difficult and foreign. The friends I had shared with my brother were too careful not to mention his name, when I actually might have liked remembering the good old days. Memories of Garrett never left me anyway, might as well share some of them. But no, the subject never came up. They all stuck to neutral topics when I was present. I got it. I made the guys a little uncomfortable. The girls were even worse. They felt sorry for me. They wanted to make it all better. To be honest, they just threw themselves at me. Once I would have welcomed that, but right now I had lost all interest.

My relationship with Rainey became my primary focus. Only with her could I be myself and if we were both careful around each other it was only to protect one another. We didn’t want to send the other into a tailspin. Whatever we were, it worked for both of us. She was my brother’s biggest joy, his first and his last love. How much of him remained on this earth remained in her. When people dropped innuendos about the two of us, I would ignore them. Surviving Garrett was a full time job and she was my co-worker. I didn’t care if they didn’t understand. Making them happy wasn’t my goal. Keeping Rainey and myself alive was my goal, and being a son to be proud of was now my biggest burden. I had to be all things for my parents and make up for the huge, gaping hole in our lives.

When Rainey smiled, I smiled. When mom told us she went over to visit her friend next door I felt that I had won another round. Dad seemed to be bouncing back quickest but I knew a lot of that was because he felt it was his role to be the strong, protective provider. He took it seriously and I knew it was keeping him going. Still, I watched him for cracks. I spent a lot of my time watching. The happy go lucky kid I had been was buried next to my brother.