5. UNFORTUNATE TRUTHS
“Ok, I’ve decided I’m done being angry with you. I miss you too much!” Issy announced as she stood at my door. I was once again attempting to figure out my Thermo homework, which was becoming more and more like a foreign language I could not understand.
“I want you to come out with me tonight. You haven’t been out of this house in weeks and people are starting to wonder what’s happened to you.” Her arms were folded like a spoiled child, and I smiled internally thinking of all the fun nights I had been having “staying in” with Jake. I hadn’t heard from him yet today, so it was probably safe to make other plans.
“Ok, I’m in. Where are we going?”
“Do you have to ask? It’s Thursday night, two for one shots at Caesars…sheesh, have I taught you nothing?”
I laughed at her dramatic tone and said, “I missed you too, but if you ditch me again tonight…this will be the last time I ever go.”
“Cross my heart!” she promised and spun out of the doorway.
An hour later we were on our way. I felt dressed to kill in a blue, wispy mini dress that hit all the right places. A few weeks ago I wouldn’t have had the confidence to pull off this dress, but since Jake, that had all changed. I even weighed tonight and had lost five pounds since he came into my life.
I wore my hair down and matched Issy’s strut, step for step. She winked at me when we walked in the bar, garnering all kinds of stares. Issy, of course, was used to this type of attention. She was practically a celebrity in school, partly due to her father’s alumni status and partly due to her unmatched personality. The fact that she was drop dead gorgeous didn’t hurt either. But for me, I felt like it was my coming out party. I felt like I could stand on a table and say, Oh yea, I’m with them…and I belong here.
Issy came back with two drinks in hand. The bouncers at the door stopped carding her a long time ago. I sipped on the brown liquid that seared my throat as I scanned the room, looking for anyone I knew. I spotted Aaron and Danny hanging at a table off to the side and waved at them. Issy rolled her eyes, but I pulled her that way. “Danny’s nice. You should give him a chance,” I scolded.
She sighed, but conceded. “Ok, but don’t say I didn’t warn you when that poor boy’s heart gets broken.”
We walked up to the table and both boys stood up. Issy mesmerized Danny as I watched her flirt shamelessly with him. Aaron eyes violated me as usual, only tonight it didn’t bother me as much.
“Avery, you look…delicious,” he purred, moving closer to me.
I smiled coyly at him, trying to match Issy’s motions. I had no interest in Aaron, but I loved the attention…and couldn’t seem to get enough of it, which was the total opposite of how I felt the first time I met him.
Issy pulled me onto the dance floor and song after song, she and I were surrounded. Sometimes Aaron and Danny would cut in, but Issy never liked to stay with one partner for very long. I began to understand her love for this place. No wonder she had such confidence. Who wouldn’t after this?
I scanned the room again and felt my heart leap into my throat. Jake was standing at the bar, looking perfect as always. He had his confident swagger going as he reached out to grab his drink from the female bartender. He leaned in for a European style hello kiss and dropped a bill on the bar.
I smiled to myself; how did I get so lucky? I watched him as he crossed the room, shaking hands and talking with each person he met. People were drawn to him like moths to a flame, and I was no different as I started to make my way over to him. He turned the corner and found his seat and that is when I saw her. He had his arm around her and was nuzzling her neck like I’d felt him do to me hundreds of times. She was a different woman from the one with him at Sammy’s, taller, but definitely more endowed. She had red curly hair and was wearing a dress so tight it left nothing to the imagination. I knew she was prettier than me and had curves in places I never would.
I felt my drink start to come up and made it to the bathroom just in time to make the toilet. My heart was racing, panic in full swing. I tried to get myself together as the tears bombarded my eyes. I looked in the mirror. It was a different picture. The thin, confident woman was gone and in her place was someone wearing a dress way too short for her imperfect legs.
My hands were trembling and the “fight or flight” feeling was starting to take over my entire body. “You have to calm down!” I told myself sternly. “Breathe in and out, in and out. You can do this.”
I had managed to pull myself together enough to make it back to my table where Issy was dramatically telling a story about the time she went skydiving and her parachute got jammed. Danny hung on her every word. Normally, I’d be mesmerized too, but all I could do was tell myself, on repeat, not to turn around and stare. It was a good fifteen minutes later before Issy noticed Jake and started eyeballing me.
“You ok?” she asked, appearing genuinely concerned.
“Oh course, why wouldn’t I be?” I lied with every ounce of conviction I could muster. I still didn’t know what was safe with her.
“No reason.” She paused for a moment, but continued to try and read my thoughts. “You want to go say hi to Jake?”
“I thought you still weren’t speaking to him?”
“Well, making up with you has been such a success tonight, I figure why stop there.” She kept watching for my reaction with catlike intensity.
I started to feel uncomfortable under the scrutiny and squared my shoulders. “Sure,” I said as if I didn’t have a care in the world.
Issy made her way through the crowd with determination, pulling me along beside her. I had to play it cool. I had to keep myself under control. Coping had never been my strongest skill. In fact, I downright stunk at it. Running and well, the other thing, were all that had ever worked to take away my anxiety when it came. But tonight I would have to find a way. As soon as Issy got to the table, she jumped on Jake’s lap and hugged him tight. “I forgive you,” she announced, her eyes dancing with amusement.
“Really,” he mused, “and to what do I owe this honor?” He was bantering, but I could see him relax immediately. I tried not to stare, but he looked so sleek and handsome in his pin stripped shirt and jeans that I could feel the jealousy burning inside of me.
“Well, it’s been lonely without my big, bad protector. And honestly, it’s not nearly as fun when you don’t have someone to tick off.” Then, as if seeing her for the first time, Issy turned to the redhead and said, “Hi, I’m Issy, nice to meet you.”
The girl had a thick southern accent and responded, “I’m Rebecca, Jake’s friend. You must be his spunky little cousin I’ve been hearing so much about.” Her hand was rubbing his thigh, and I felt my stomach clench.
“This is my roommate, Avery,” she said as she stood up.
I simply gave a small wave and a fake smile. My voice had failed me and I feared my knees would follow if I did much more. Jake refused to make eye contact with me, but other than that, he seemed completely unaffected by this little meeting.
“Well, we have more dancing to do and definitely more shots to drink, so you cats have fun. Jake, don’t you dare start lecturing me until at least 2:00 a.m. That is a perfectly acceptable time for a Thursday night.” He smiled and saluted his cousin, sending a wink her way. In all the time I’d known Issy, I’d never once envied her…until that moment.
I leaned into her as we walked away. “I think I’m ready for a little of that two for one action now.” She just smiled and made a beeline to the bar. I slammed them both down without a thought, wincing at the burn in my throat, but hoping they would miraculously make everything better. They just made it worse.
We joined Danny and Aaron again, but as much as I tried to feel better, I couldn’t. Even Aaron’s crude comments and “accidental” grazes did nothing to improve my mood.
I looked over at the table where Jake was sitting, but they were gone, and so was my resolve. I pretended that I was so drunk, I had to get home before I got sick, begging Issy to leave. I doubt she bought it, but to her credit, she took me home anyway. Turns out, Issy was a pretty good friend after all.
The shower did little to drown my tears as I tried to scrub my body clean of the disgust I felt for it. Nothing helped. I closed my eyes. I knew what would help…I just didn’t want to do it. I had been making it months without an episode…now it was barely weeks.
After the last time, I realized that I had to be more careful with a shared kitchen. I had bought food just in case and hid it in my closet. Until this moment, I had forgotten it was there. Two weeks of binging on Jake had cured me of any desire to binge on food, but Jake was an illusion. He was like two sides of a coin, and with each flip, you didn’t know which you would get. I locked my door, turned on some music and pulled the box down from the closet. I wanted things to make sense, to match the expectations I had for them. I couldn’t control Jake or his feelings for me, but this…this…I could control. Or at least that’s what I told myself when I took the first bite.
My depression felt even more constricting when I woke up Friday morning. Class was definitely not happening. I’d just get the notes later. My head was throbbing from the dehydration I knew I was facing after last night’s ordeal.
I checked my bathroom again to make sure all the evidence was gone and re-hid the food and wrappers in my closet. I knew I needed some healthy coping this morning and resolved to go on a run as soon as my headache died down.
Issy was in the kitchen making her hangover juice and looked up at me when I walked in. “Wow, you look better then I expected,” she said surprised.
“What do you mean?”
“I heard you yakking all night. I almost came in to check on you. I really didn’t think you were telling the truth when you said you didn’t feel well, but wow, was I wrong. Girl, you are a light weight!”
I was frozen in time…she had heard me. My need to protect myself took over every instinct in my body, and I was able to lie to her without any of my usual constraints.
“I know. I’ve never been so sick. What was in those shots?” I paused for dramatic effect and sat down. “There’s no way. Had to be something I ate yesterday.”
“Well, whatever it was…I don’t want it. So take your juice and go on your crazy run, and don’t come back until you can promise I won’t be doing the same thing tomorrow night!” I looked at Issy as she disappeared and thought, Don’t worry, someone like you will never have to do what I did last night. She had it all.
After several glasses of water and Issy’s famous hangover juice (I really had to get that recipe), I felt good enough to go on a long run. Danny and Aaron were just pulling up when I started running. They honked at me and I stopped by the car, leaning into their opened window.
“You feeling better?” Danny asked looking concerned.
I could feel my face burning as I lied again. “Yes, I guess I just ate something that didn’t settle in my stomach. So, did you have fun last night?” I asked, wanting to change the subject. Issy had been very attentive to him all night.
“Why? Did she say anything?” Danny pressed, unable to hide the smile on his face.
I held in a laugh and immediately felt guilty remembering Issy’s words. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed Danny on her. “Sorry Danny, but if it makes you feel any better, Issy never talks about guys.”
He looked disappointed and Aaron leaned over him to look at me. “How far you running today?”
“As far as it takes to clear my head,” I answered honestly before I could stop myself. “I’ll catch you guys later.”
I took the route around the campus lake and just did an easy pace. It hit me on the trail how disappointed I was with myself. I had walked into this year confident and strong. I had gone months without throwing up and was at the top of my class. Now, I was barely hanging on in two classes and one of them felt like a lost cause. My confidence was shot, and I had deluded myself into believing that an incredibly hot, kind and extraordinary man was falling for me just because he told me a few of his secrets. I wasn’t strong…I was desperate. I shook my head, disgusted, wanting nothing more than to escape my body.
I passed by the playground that marked the halfway point and stopped. I used to love to swing as a kid. It would make me feel so alive and untouchable. I found an open one in the middle and just started moving back and forth. It was slow and methodical at first, but with each pump, I felt my adrenalin start to increase.
“I thought I might find you here,” a voice said behind me. I just kept swinging not wanting to acknowledge the source. He was quiet for a long time, just watching me and then finally spoke up, “So, you’re not going to talk to me? Get my side of the story?”
I slowed down enough to look at him, knowing full well I was wearing all my emotions on my face despite my efforts to hide it. “Not if it’s a story. I think I’ve had enough fairy tales for a while.”
“Always so witty,” he said smirking, shaking his head. “Seriously, come talk to me. I don’t like feeling this way.”
It should be illegal the effect Jake had on me, because despite my inner alarm screaming at me to walk away, I sat down next to him on the picnic table.
“It’s not what you’re thinking. She doesn’t mean anything. I go out with these girls to keep up the appearance, that’s all. I’m known as a player, and I like that. It keeps my life simple.”
I didn’t say anything, just kept kicking at the patch of grass I had almost dislodged from the ground.
“I was surprised you didn’t say anything when you saw us,” he went on.
“Why?”
“Well, most girls would have said something. Some try to play it cool, others lose their temper. But you…total silence. I wasn’t expecting that.”
I was struck by the fact that this situation was a common occurrence for him. “What were you expecting, Jake? I’m not the kind of girl who throws a temper tantrum in the middle of a bar, but I’m also not the kind of girl who is put in a position where I would want to.” I looked at him exasperated, reminding myself to hold my ground and demand more respect than this.
“I know that,” he admitted and ran his hands through his hair. “See, therein lies the problem. You have made my life complicated because for the first time, there is someone I want to call when I wake up and talk to before I go to sleep.”
My heart skipped a beat, and I knew that my resolve was weakening. “How can I believe you? What am I supposed to do with that?” I asked, fighting back my ever persistent tears. He inched over to me and moved a piece of hair that had fallen in front of my eye.
“You can trust me, Avery. I’m not going to let you down.” He paused for a second, still caressing my temple. “Let me take you on a real date. Things are better with Issy now, and people have already noticed my lack of nightlife these past few weeks.” He shot me a knowing look and a sly smile that sent a whirl of flutters in my stomach.
Very tentatively, he reached out and turned my body towards his. I kept my eyes focused on the grass and felt his palm against my cheek. He leaned his head down, while bringing mine up and made eye contact, “I’m sorry.” His voice was soft and sincere as he moved in to kiss me. I kissed him back with all the longing, need and hurt I felt until he gently pulled away.
“By the way, I didn’t like you seeing you out with those guys either,” Jake admitted, keeping his forehead on mine.
I looked at him, confusion apparent until I remembered Danny and Aaron, and then chuckled. “They are just friends. One is completely in love with your cousin and the other, well, he has LOTS of love interests.”
Jake smiled but kept his piercing eyes to mine. “I still didn’t like it,” he whispered before kissing me again. He pulled me on his lap and we made out shamelessly in the park. Finally, I pulled away and looked around, feeling a little embarrassed.
“Tonight,” he said gruffly before getting up. I just nodded.
He drove off after sending one last wave my way. My head was so far in the clouds that I hardly remembered running the last three miles home.
I was still in a daze as I showered and dressed for the day. I had missed my first class, but could make it to my second one if I hurried. The phone rang as I walked out the door, and I spent the next five minutes detailing the evening events to Cara who already didn’t have a high opinion of Jake.
“So, did he say you guys were exclusive then?” she asked with an air of irritation in her voice.
“No.”
“Ok, did he at least say he wasn’t dating those girls anymore?”
“No.”
“Avery!”
“What? I don’t care, ok? He likes me. He practically said I was the one who he thought about when he woke up and went to sleep. Besides, I’m a private person too. I totally get him not wanting to expose his personal life to the college paparazzi.” I was feeling so exasperated with her interrogation that I was practically speed walking to class, barely registering the other students as I passed.
“Ok…ok. So, how did you cope when you saw him at the bar? Any relapses?” She hesitated as she asked me that, and my guilt and shame over my continual failure all manifested in anger.
“Cara, why do you always have to go back to that? No, I told you, I’m doing fine with it. Sometimes I wish I had never confided in you. Its like we can’t talk about anything else now.”
“Avery, we talked about it all summer. You told me to ask you. Why are you being so defensive?”
“Because it feels like all you do is judge me now. It’s like having a third parent.” I knew I was being unreasonable, and that she was only trying to help. But it didn’t matter, it was my life…my secret, and I didn’t need her intrusion.
“That’s not what I’m trying to do. I don’t know how to be here for you anymore,” she explained with a catch in her voice. I knew I had hurt her.
“Just laugh with me and be happy for me. Can you do that?”
“I’ll try.” She was quiet and then attempted to change her tone. “Call me later and tell me how the date goes, ok?”
“Ok…talk to you then.” I let out a sigh and sat down in my class chair. My conversations with Cara were just getting more and more trying. I also felt horribly guilty for lying to her, but I didn’t want her to know what was going on. I didn’t want to talk about it. I had it under control, and she would just freak out.
My class did nothing to improve my mood, as the professor worked problems on the board with such speed, I had no hope in following.
I left class feeling miserable and anxious as I tried to mentally and emotionally prepare for the evening. The afternoon flew by and before I knew it, it was only two hours before Jake would be here, and I was at my wits end on what to wear. Nothing looked good and I was bloated. Issy had ordered takeout for lunch and I ate way too much. I felt like a stuffed pig. How was I supposed to go on a date with Jake tonight feeling like this? I heard one door shut and then another outside my room.
I poked my head out, “Issy?” No answer. Oh, thank God! I ran to my bathroom, shut the door and forced myself to get rid of my lunch. I knew it didn’t help—that I never really lost weight by throwing up, but it made me feel better anyway. It calmed me down and allowed me to see the evening rationally instead of emotionally.
It was my first real date with Jake, and I had to look perfect. He was charming and deep, more handsome than any man I’d ever known, and for some reason he wanted to be with me. I thought of the two other women I had seen him with and looked at my body in the mirror. They were flawless, and I was not. It was like the mirror magnified every imperfection, and tears consumed me as I covered myself up.
“Lord, I know that Satan is like a roaring lion, waiting for someone to devour. I pray you protect her from those who will harm her…”