3. FAILURE
It had been five days since I last saw Jake. He had stayed most of Sunday afternoon with us watching the football game and acting like nothing had happened between us. He wasn’t rude or anything, just indifferent, like I was Issy’s friend who was hanging out. I was supposed to leave to go study, but I stayed, just hoping he would indicate in some way the attraction he had on Saturday night.
I kept wondering what changed, why he was so hot and than cold. When we were alone, our attraction was pure chemistry, but in the light of day, it felt awkward and forced. Was it Issy? Maybe she said something to him, like she did to me. That had to be it…unless it was the stairs. I shuddered at the thought. Who would be attracted to a girl who passes out and then makes you carry her to bed? No one!
I just felt so tired. I had spent three excruciating afternoons in the engineering lab taking samples every twenty minutes for one of the graduate students. Work study was a requirement for my scholarship. I didn’t mind it so much last year, but this semester, I had been assigned to the lab. I should have been studying while in there, but I couldn’t focus. I was already behind in my two hardest classes, and we were having a quiz on Monday.
Thank goodness it was the weekend. Issy was leaving this afternoon to go home for a couple of days, so it meant my apartment would actually be free of people for more than two hours. Turns out, Issy’s the social queen of our apartment complex and everyone wanted to be around her. She had some place for us to go every night this week and despite my growing “to do” list, I would go. We had conveniently “run into” Danny and Aaron a few times, but Issy never really gave him the time of day. I started to see Danny as a reflection of me and wondered if I looked as desperate as he appeared.
Truth was, I felt desperate. I had hoped to run into Jake every time we went somewhere, but he never showed. I refused to ask Issy about him, as I already knew her feelings on the subject. With each day that I didn’t hear from him, I started to second-guess everything that had happened.
Thankfully, I had kept the drinking to a minimum, unlike Issy who was truly a fish. It was no wonder she had already blown through her allowance this month and needed to do some serious groveling to her mom. I smiled as I thought of our conversation this morning.
“What will you do if she doesn’t give it to you?” I asked, thinking of my parents’ reaction if I had dared to do the same.
“Oh, well then I’ll just go see my dad. He feels guilty for abandoning our family when I was twelve, so I can usually say a few key words and get what I want.”
“Why not just go there first?”
“Because, there is nothing more excruciating than my stepmom, and how she goes on and on about her and my father’s son, and how perfect he is. Barf. Then I’ll get the lecture about my clothes and hair and how college will be over soon, and I need to get focused. Like I said…only if I’m desperate!” She was randomly balling up her clothes and stuffing them in her duffle bag. My type A instincts were screaming at me to grab her bag away and fold each item she threw in there, but I refrained, suddenly putting two and two together.
“Wait, isn’t your father’s son…your brother?”
“Don’t ever call him that again.” It was the first time I had actually heard a tone from Issy that wasn’t playful, and for a second, I thought I saw a glimpse of hurt in her eyes, but it went away as quickly as it came. “Now you, young Padawan, keep yourself out of trouble while I’m gone.”
I actually laughed out loud. Truth was, I had done nothing but get into trouble since I met Issy. “No worries there.”
The shuffling of books woke me up from my daydream. Class was over. I looked at the board and saw four problems due next Monday. Ugh. I rolled my eyes and wrote them down. For some reason, I hated my classes this year. Last year, my engineering classes were my favorite, but last year I didn’t have a life, so maybe that’s why.
“Hey Avery.” I looked up to see one of my classmates waving me over to the group. “We’re putting together a study group on Saturday morning around ten if you want to come. We figured we could knock out these problems and then focus on our Statics quiz.” The nice thing about engineering was that most of us took the same classes each semester, so we’d end up helping each other a lot throughout the year.
“Sure, that sounds great. I’ll be there,” I said as I made my way out of the room. I really liked that group to study with, but couldn’t really spend too much time with them without being totally bored. They had asked me to go to dinner with them a few times last year, but I just couldn’t do it. I admit that I’m a nerd and like math, but it is not dinner conversation in my opinion. After a while, they stopped asking and just kept me in the loop for study sessions, which felt ideal to me.
I walked through the center of campus on my way home. It was beautiful this time of year. We had no shortage of trees and they were turning every shade of orange, yellow and brown. The grassy center of the quad was covered in students studying, sunbathing or catching a quick power nap. A group of fraternity boys were doing a step routine outside the library that was drawing in a large crowd. Normally, I would have stopped to enjoy the show, but today already seemed like it had lasted a lifetime.
I got home, relishing the silence I hadn’t heard since I moved in, and checked my phone one more time to see if Jake had tried to call. Nothing. How was it that he hadn’t thought to call even once? It didn’t make sense!
I walked in my room and glanced at myself in the mirror. I looked horrible. I hadn’t run in three days, and my pants felt way tighter then usual. I lifted up my shirt and started to find every bulge that existed around my torso. I swear my butt looked huge today too…and not in a good way. I looked over at the scale, knowing I shouldn’t get on…it would only depress me. But I did anyway, and had gained a pound. How is that possible? I just weighed two days ago!
Tears sprang to my eyes as I started to get that feeling. I knew temptation was coming and began to panic. I wanted to escape; I wanted to get this weight off of me. I could feel it crushing my lungs. I got on the scale again—sure I had read it wrong the first time…I hadn’t. Feeling desperate, I tried calling Cara. Voicemail. I started to pace the apartment, telling myself it wasn’t worth it, that it wouldn’t make me feel any better…but I knew it would. I knew it would ease the ever-increasing panic and would make me feel like I had control of something in my life.
I opened the cabinets and refrigerator. Inside was cereal, little chocolate snack cakes and ice cream. That would work. None of those things would hurt on the way back up. I closed my eyes, willing myself to be strong and slammed the doors shut as hard as I could. I ran back in my bedroom and shut the door, fighting with everything I had. I didn’t want to do it here…not here.
Fifteen minutes passed and I started to believe the worst was behind me. I walked back to the living room, but the draw of the kitchen was just too strong. I could hear my heart racing as I looked for a coke. Jackpot. I just couldn’t fight it anymore.
As I poured my cereal and took the first bite, I felt the tears well up in my eyes. I hated that I needed this, hated every part of me that enjoyed each bite I took. But with each one, my body started to relax and turn numb. After ten minutes, I had eaten two large bowls of cereal and was currently on my second snack cake. My stomach was full…so full, and it was screaming at me to give it relief. I felt my heart start to race again in anticipation, and I knew I was at that critical point. I gulped down the coke and as I felt the carbonation rise up in my throat, I leaned over the toilet and let it all come out. My body heaved and heaved as it got rid of all the food I had just stuffed down my stomach.
My throat burned and my eyes watered, but I didn’t care. It felt so good to have the calories out of me. I sat on the floor, relieved, as I felt my heartbeat start to normalize. I looked around at the mess I had made, and immediately started cleaning it.
Pulling myself off the floor, I examined my face in the mirror and wondered if I looked swollen. Not yet. Just drained…exhausted really. The anxiety was gone and the desperation had finally passed, but with that came the reality that I had yet again failed, and the guilt and shame hit me like a ton of bricks. Once again, I lost my resolve and gave into the temptation, the easy fix. I felt so weak and disgusting. No one could ever love me like this. I glanced at my phone. Cara had called me back; I didn’t want to talk anymore.
The loathing I felt for myself and for what I had done started to consume me, and as I walked back into the kitchen, I realized I had nothing to lose. The damage was done.
Apart from a small slip up when I got back to Winsor, I hadn’t had an episode in two months. I had been so sure I was healing—that I was strong enough to beat this thing. Tears clung to my cheeks as I realized how out of control it had become.
I poured the last of the cereal in my bowl and started the process all over again, hoping it would somehow take the pain away. It wasn’t until I’d eaten all the snack cakes and had a bowl of ice cream that I finally stopped.
In the end, I had thrown up five times. Five times I had intentionally wrecked my body. Stuffing it to the point of capacity and then forcing myself to get rid of it. By the last time, I wasn’t even enjoying it, just couldn’t seem to make myself stop. My throat was now completely swollen and my teeth were throbbing. I brushed and flossed my teeth, and crawled into bed. I let my tears flow freely, wanting nothing more than to get this miserable day over with.
When I awoke Saturday morning, the events of the night before came rushing back to me. Ugh. What was I thinking? I went to the kitchen and cleaned all the dishes. Then into the bathroom and cleaned it from top to bottom.
I was starting to feel a little better. I made sure all the empty containers were put in the trash and took it right out to the dumpster. I threw on my clothes and made a quick trip to the mini mart to buy replacement milk, cereal and snack cakes. I hadn’t eaten enough ice cream for Issy to notice, so I didn’t bother with it.
Once home, I opened all the new items and took out what I needed to make them look like they hadn’t been touched all weekend. I took out the trash once more and finally relaxed. Everything was as it used to be, and no one would ever know.
I looked at the clock…it was 9:30 a.m. I thought about the study session and while I really needed the help, I just didn’t want to be around people yet. I texted the group and made my apologies, using some lame excuse about not feeling well. They offered to send me their answers so I could check my work. What a great group.
Cara had called three more times last night. I still didn’t feel like talking. She knew me too well, and I wouldn’t be able to fake it with her. Exhaustion hit me again, and I crawled back to bed, wanting to escape to another world. One where I was perfect, and Jake would profess his undying love for me.
“I’m back!” Issy yelled as she threw open the door. I was sitting on the couch finishing up the last thermodynamics problem. My afternoon had been surprisingly productive, and I was almost feeling like my old self again.
“Was your mission successful?” I asked, putting my books down.
“Of course it was. I didn’t even have to see my dad. Turns out my mom is dating a hot new guy from work, and she is exceedingly happy. We had the best time ever! I love new guys…I get a whole new wardrobe when they come around!” I giggled as I watched her dance and twirl her way into her bedroom to drop off her bags and then climb over the back of the couch to sit next to me.
“So, I totally have us all set up for tonight. I met these two guys at the post office who are gorgeous, and they are a part of Lamda Sigma, the hottest fraternity on campus. Anyway, you and I have a double date for dinner and drinks tonight at Sammy’s…yeah!” She was clapping her hands and jumped back off the couch. “By the way, I am totally picking out your clothes tonight. You were way too conservative last time we went out.”
Issy was back in her room before I could even utter a word of refusal. Truth was, even if she had let me speak, it wouldn’t matter. Issy does not take “no” for an answer. It was probably good. I had been locked away in this apartment for over twenty-four hours, and I was feeling a little cabin feverish. “Do I have time for a run?” I yelled so she could hear me.
“Yes, but make it a short one. We’re meeting them in two hours!” I seriously started to wonder what I did for fun before Issy came along.
An hour later, however, I was not having so much fun.
“Issy, I am not wearing that!” I refused, looking at the outfit she was insisting I put on.
“Come on, it’s sexy and you totally have the legs to pull it off.” Issy was practically pouting as she tried to convince me to put on black leather booty shorts and a leopard print top.
“Issy, it’s not happening. What’s your plan B?”
“Fine!” She headed to my closet and pulled out a pair of stretchy, shin length, white jeans with a gray zig zag pattern on them and a mushroom t-shirt that had a silky feel. “Find some sexy heels to match and I’ll deal with this,” she resigned, totally exasperated.
While I wouldn’t have paired up this outfit, I had to admit it looked pretty good when I put it on. I wore my hair down, with a small braid in front to keep it over to the side. Maybe a new guy was exactly what I needed too. Jake obviously wasn’t interested, and there was no reason to continue to pine over something that was never going to happen.
Issy and I walked into Sammy’s and immediately spotted our dates. They were both cute, but in that “I look like a member of a boy band” kind of way. Issy had staked claim to Pete on the way over, so that meant I had the one named Bobby. He seemed alright, nicely dressed and stood up when we got to the table. Neither of them held a candle to Jake, though, and I knew it within the first five minutes.
We ordered our food and Bobby started talking about school. He was in his second year of law school and felt the need to explain the meaning of torques and how civil and criminal law differed. I was amazed at his ability to continue talking without so much as a breath. It was almost fascinating to me, and I wondered how many different, interested faces I could make for him before he took a break. I had made it up to number seven, when his hand on my leg brought me screeching back to reality.
“You’re an amazing listener,” Bobby said in a sultry voice as he started to lean in.
I suddenly felt my stomach turn and stood up to excuse myself to the bathroom. I got to the mirror and reapplied my lip gloss. How was it possible a person could be that boring? I had no idea how I was going to make it through the rest of the evening, but friend status required I stay, as Issy was in full flirt mode with Pete and had scowled at me every time she saw me looking at my watch.
I walked back to the table and sat down as Bobby moved his chair closer to mine and put his arm around the back of it. I subtly scooted away and asked him another question about his classes in the sweetest voice possible. It was a toss up which was worse, his hands on me or his constant blabbering.
The check finally arrived, and I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I leaned over to grab my purse off the chair when I saw Jake walk in the door, and he wasn’t alone. Standing next to him was a beautiful brunette with long straight hair and a perfect body. She was stunning, no question. I immediately turned my head to try and focus on anything else in the room as I heard Issy say, “Oh God, here comes Jake. Boys, be on your best behavior!”
In a flash, she was out of her chair and giving Jake a big hug. “When did you get back in town?” she asked innocently.
He looked at the three of us at the table and without acknowledging any of us, turned back to her. “What are you doing with these guys. They are way too old for you.” He had grabbed Issy’s arm tightly and was pulling her away from the table. His date stood there awkwardly, unsure of where to go. I was staring at her, as subtly as I could, comparing each of her assets with mine and was sadly coming up short.
Issy jerked her arm away. “Jake, back off. I’m not a kid.” She grabbed her bag and headed out the door. Pete cleared his throat and took off after her.
Meanwhile, I was living out my worst nightmare. We were all frozen in painful silence until my date asked, “You ready?” and we politely excused ourselves. I peeked over my shoulder on our way out the door and made eye contact with Jake for just a second. He looked furious, and I quickly turned back around.
I couldn’t wrap my head around the difference between him now and the other night. Issy was right. I got a small glimpse of Jake, but that was it. The caring, affectionate guy I fell for was gone and this other person was there instead. It felt tragic.
In the parking lot, Issy was back to her old self, hugging and kissing Pete with full abandonment. I could have sworn she was upset, but you’d never know it from her charming smile and excitement. When she saw me, she grabbed me by the arm. “I’m going to let Pete take me home, do you mind?”
“Issy, we live five blocks away from here. Why not just come with me?”
“Because, with you I can’t make out in the car. Please…I’ll be home in twenty minutes, I promise.”
She gave me a quick hug and was gone before I could argue, leaving me to drive my date home. The night was quickly turning into a disaster, and I suddenly had a whole new appreciation for how Jake felt when he went out with her.
I dropped Bobby, the bore, off at his old fraternity house and somehow managed to avoid the good night kiss he tried to get. He asked me for my phone number, and I just said I would get his from Issy. This guy was really delusional if he thought that was a good date. Turns out that Jake had been right. Pete and Bobby were four years older than us and seemed to only have one thing in mind. Note to self…this would be the LAST time Issy set me up on a date.
It had been forty-five minutes since Issy left me in the parking lot at Sammy’s. I had already gotten ready for bed, cleaned up the apartment, and now was fully pacing. I checked my phone and texted her for the third time. Come on, Issy, where are you? I didn’t know how the time clock worked in Issy’s world. Did twenty minutes mean an hour? Should I be worried? Was this a normal thing for her? She had never ditched me like that before, and I had no idea what to do.
I heard the door unlock and loud voices in the hallway.
“Jake, I have had it!” Issy was screaming as Jake dragged her into the apartment. “I am almost twenty years old, and I don’t need a chaperone.”
“You could have fooled me! That guy is twenty-four, Issy, and has a horrible reputation! What were you thinking going to that frat house?” He was matching her anger, pitch for pitch, and the tension between them was so fierce I didn’t know whether to run or stay completely still. I opted for the latter.
“I was having FUN! You remember FUN. You used to have it when you were my age, why can’t I? Its not my fault you are out of the scene…I like it!”
“You like it? You like dancing on a table in front of ten slobbering guys that are only thinking of one thing? You really have that little respect for yourself? No wonder your dad has threatened to transfer you. Hell, I may call him myself!” That was the last straw for Issy. She slapped him across the face and ran to her room. I watched as Jake turned his rage toward me, as I was still standing in stunned silence.
“And you? What kind of friend are you to abandon her like that? You are supposed to take care of her. Watch her back.”
I flinched at his tone. “I tried…she wouldn’t come home with me.”
“How hard did you try? You could have called me, gone with her, or done anything other then leave her alone with a snake!” His body language was vicious, and I could see total hostility in his eyes. The tears were dangerously close to spilling over, but I refused to let him see me cry. “I don’t even have your number…” I whispered, my eyes transfixed on one of the circles in the carpet.
His tone softened and he walked over to stand across the coffee table from me. “Give me your phone.”
I handed it to him and watched as he added himself to my contact list. Then he sent himself a text to make sure it went through. I looked back up at him. He looked wrecked and so tired I could almost see the circles under his eyes. I hated that I added to his stress. “I’m sorry…I’m new at all of this.” My voice was resigned. I felt like I had failed Issy and failed him.
He sighed and walked around the table until there was no space between us. He lifted my chin, leaned down and put his forehead on mine. I held my breath, afraid that if there was any movement, the moment might vanish. My Jake was back, the one who made me feel as if I was the only person in the world he wanted. He pulled me close and just held me with his chin on my head.
“I feel like I have to be everywhere. That if I let her out of my sight for one second, she’ll disappear. You make me feel like for one moment I don’t have to be the only strong one. That for once in my life, someone else could share the burden.” He was talking as if to no one, holding me tight in his arms.
He leaned down and kissed me softly, taking in every inch of my mouth. His hands were lightly rubbing my cheeks, then my hair and finally moving down to my back. I was lost in his arms, still remaining as still as I could and letting him drive the moment. He slowly pulled away and I looked straight at him, keeping eye contact as long as I could, hoping to convey to him all the feelings that my mouth had no ability to say. How I would be there for him—how much I cared about him. I wanted his trust; I wanted to be close to him in a way I’d never felt before. He turned away and walked out the door without a word, leaving me more confused and than ever.
“Lord, I pray you reveal your glory to her in mighty ways. I pray that she see your hand in all that nature offers, and she knows that same God has every hair on her head numbered…”