That really was too much to take. ‘Maybe not for you,’ I tried to keep my voice steady, ‘but then I never blanked you in the street.’
Simon flushed with shame. I knew, like me, he could picture the scene perfectly; Louise’s long, auburn hair bouncing as she walked up the hill from the train station, holding Simon’s hand and chatting excitedly, as he wheeled her suitcase. Her free hand was resting on her tummy in that self-conscious manner first-time pregnant women adopt because they’re desperate for people to notice their completely non-existent bump. I noticed it though – and her wedding ring glinting in the hard March sunshine. I stopped dead in the middle of the pavement, dumbfounded. She was laughing at something Simon had said, and he’d only looked up at the last minute to realise it was me. Horrified, he carefully steered her past me, and carried on walking. It was the smooth pretence that we were complete strangers, and I hadn’t in fact woken up next to him earlier that same morning, that caused me what felt like actual physical pain.
‘I had pretty serious doubts about your feelings, after that,’ I said. ‘I thought everything you’d said had been a huge lie to get me to sleep with you.’
‘It wasn’t a lie. I’d planned to tell Louise about us that very night, but that’s when she told me she was pregnant with Cara. It was my responsibilities that changed, not my feelings.’
‘And that’s why I never heard from you again.’ I could have slapped myself the second the words were out of my mouth. So much time had passed that his confirmation or denial shouldn’t matter to me any more. I’d just proved it did.
He looked up quickly. ‘I thought you’d find it easier to get over everything if you hated me. Even if I had left Louise knowing she was pregnant – which would in itself have made me about the lowest of the low, in my opinion – how could I have also asked you to accept my having a baby with someone else? You were just on the brink of becoming the person you were meant to be. Your mother’s death had already… altered things… and I didn’t want to take anything else away from you. I didn’t want to be responsible for fucking up your life further.’
‘Only, that’s exactly what you did anyway.’
He winced, but I didn’t apologise. I wasn’t actually saying it to hurt him, it was just a statement of fact. ‘Is that actually why,’ I continued, now unable to stop myself and having given up on any fa?ade of mature, cool detachment, ‘you moved away from here, because of what happened with you and me?’
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘It seemed like the best thing to do. This is a small city. I knew I’d inevitably bump into you one day.’
I winced. That hurt. ‘And yet you came back again?’
‘Five years is a long time. I imagined you living it up in London or abroad by now, building a career, having the time of your life. Plus Louise still has family here. It was getting harder to come up with good reasons why we shouldn’t come back. Jess, in my defence, I had no idea about Beth. If at the time I had known—’
‘You’d definitely have left your pregnant wife, instead?’ I shrugged helplessly. We just stared at each other in the long silence.
I stood up. ‘Well, it would have been pretty annoying for you, back then, if you had confessed to Louise about me, only for me to tell you that, ironically, I was also pregnant with Ben’s child and I was staying with him. So at least you made the right call.’
‘Annoying?’ Simon said slowly. ‘Jess, the way I felt about you was—’
‘No! Don’t.’ I held up a hand. ‘I’ve got to go now, Simon. Neither Beth nor I are your responsibility. That’s all that’s important.’ I turned away and reached for the door handle.
‘Jess, how do you think it felt at the start of term to be settling my little girl in – only for you to suddenly appear.’
I closed my eyes. Ben had been so proud to be an old boy, now returning with his daughter for her first day at school – Beth nervously looking around her as we entered the classroom and tightly holding my hand as I shyly smiled at other new parents… the friendly form mistress coming over and welcoming us, explaining practicalities, then saying that she wanted us to meet the newly appointed Head of Prep. He and his teacher wife had just moved back to the area from Yorkshire with their little girl! Would Beth like to meet her?
All of us turning around – and my heart stopping as I came face to face with an equally stunned Simon… introductions… watching, horrified, as Simon and Ben shook hands. Shaking hands with a cheerful Louise, chattily introducing herself as Cara’s mum first and foremost, new teaching assistant second. Shaking hands with Simon. Our skin touching and eyes meeting in desperate silence as the lively classroom chatter buzzed around us. A million panicked thoughts cascading through my mind. I was going to have to pull Beth out and send her to a new school somewhere else, but how to explain that to Ben and my in-laws after one day of attendance when I’d done nothing but happily agree with all of them that Ben’s old school was the perfect fit for Beth?
‘And then,’ Simon continued, ‘for the penny to gradually begin to drop that not only by some hideous coincidence are our daughters in the same class at the school I now teach at, they are also in fact both my daughters.’
I gripped the door handle a little more tightly. ‘Beth is just another pupil to you. That’s all. You and I had a two-week fling – barely a relationship – a long time ago. There’s nothing more to say.’
‘Someone’s told me about a job at Grove House that’s coming up,’ Simon said quickly. ‘I’d have to do this post for at least six months first, but then I could apply. Louise knows I’ve always wanted to work there, so she wouldn’t be suspicious. Cara could become a day pupil – no one would be surprised about that because obviously I’d lose my staff discount here. There would probably be a housemistress role for Louise looking after the boarders too. You might have a point about Louise; that I read too much into what she said last night, but I also know you’re right about what school life is like, and that what happened between you and me will come out somehow. The best idea is for us to transfer away from here.’
Us.
Hearing him say that one inclusive word, and yet not mean me, hit home. I couldn’t help it.
‘You’re going to leave again?’ I said lightly, glad that he couldn’t see my face.
‘Please understand how much I don’t want to be separated from you and Beth for a second time.’
I made a huge effort to get myself under control. ‘Beth isn’t your responsibility,’ I repeated. ‘If moving is what you believe would be right for your family, you should do it.’
‘It’s too close for comfort here, Jess. I’m finding it increasingly difficult seeing you. I—’
‘Please don’t do this, Simon!’ I begged, spinning round. ‘I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am now, and I was happy.’ To my huge frustration, I felt the tears start to spill down my cheeks.
‘Don’t cry,’ he begged. ‘Please don’t cry. I never, ever wanted to hurt you. You of all people.’ He stood up and in two steps he was right next to me. The distance between our bodies wasn’t even enough to call a space. I knew exactly what was a beat away from happening – if we let it. I knew how it would feel; my body waking up again as if long, cold years without him hadn’t happened. It had never been about an embarrassing teenage lust – rather an all-consuming force that even at age 19 hadn’t frightened or overwhelmed me. I’d willingly given myself over to it.
He lifted his hand as I stared back at him, anticipating his touch… but then I thought of Beth and Cara, and Ben and Louise, and I realised this time it was different. I shook my head instinctively. ‘No. We can’t.’