‘OK, over we go then!’
It wasn’t the first time this had happened. While there was probably a logical explanation rather than my having a ‘gift’, I’d imagined plenty of events only for them to actually come to pass; little things like picturing a glass shattering seconds before someone dropping a tumbler in front of me in a restaurant… right through to driving on a motorway and ‘seeing’ a car in front of me swerving violently around the carriageway – so I slowed right down, only for minutes later a BMW, several vehicles up, to have a blowout in the fast lane. But these visualisations had never involved Beth.
‘Do you know what, Beth?’ I said quickly, ‘that lady said a nice thing actually. She told me God loves you very much. And so do I.’ There. I exhaled. It was now impossible that the future could unfold exactly as I’d just imagined it. I’d prevented it from coming true.
‘I love you too,’ she replied.
I didn’t feel any better though; was just telling her enough? I suddenly had an overwhelming urge to turn around and take her home.
‘Mattie’s waving!’ Beth tugged on my hand and then pointed at one of the girls in her class a bit further ahead, before looking up at me hopefully, a pink flush in her pale cheeks. ‘Can I go and see her, please?’
‘Hang on a second.’ I reached out and touched her skin. It wasn’t just her hands, her face felt warm too, despite the chill in the air, but I was rubbish without using an actual thermometer. I wasn’t ever really sure what a temperature felt like the way the other mums seemed to just know. ‘Sweetheart, are you feeling alright?’
‘Yes!’ Beth said impatiently. ‘Please can I go and see Mattie now?’
‘OK,’ I agreed, reluctantly. ‘But don’t run.’
Our hands slipped apart as she set off. All the same, she wasn’t properly hot. Was I just looking for any excuse to take her home because of what that woman had said? Ben would think I’d gone mad if I did that, and probably he would be right. No, he was definitely right! She couldn’t miss a whole day of school just because of something I’d imagined happening. Plus, it’d look really weird to Mattie’s mum if we did an about-turn now, and then I’d have to phone in sick to work to look after her. I took a deep breath. It was all going to be fine. I’d told Beth God loved her; that was good enough. I made an enormous effort to suppress my anxiety before it inflated out of control and I wasn’t able to hold onto it. This was how full-blown obsessive-compulsive disorder began. I didn’t have a gift, I just needed to get a grip.
‘Hi, Jess!’ called out Mattie’s mum, who had kindly stopped to wait for me.
‘Hi.’ I waved shyly, suddenly conscious of my slightly too-short skirt in comparison with her much more sophisticated suit. ‘You look nice.’
She glanced down at herself in surprise. ‘Oh thanks, I’m due in court later. You working today, too?’
‘Yes, but just on the phones, so…’ I trailed off, not sure where I was going with that.
She smiled gently. ‘Beautiful morning, isn’t it? So cold though! It was hideous crawling out from under the duvet this morning – I’m badly in need of caffeine!’
‘Me too,’ I agreed eagerly, despite hating coffee. ‘Intravenously, preferably.’
‘God yes,’ she agreed, and I smiled, relieved. I was still learning the shorthand for pick up and drop off chats. Safe subjects included: being exhausted, juggling work and the kids, husbands (doing frustrating/irritating things), and needing either coffee or alcohol (wine/gin, not shots), or both.
We followed the girls through the heavy wooden door set back in the red-brick wall that led into their school playground. Mattie’s mother waved to the two members of staff on duty, clutching steaming cups of tea as children ran about them. The old-fashioned building in front of us, with its worn flagstone floors, small classrooms and corridors, just about coped with the twenty-four pupils in each year group. A bustling state school would have burst at the seams long before, but here it was the limited numbers and the ‘family friendly’ ethos that professional, local parents – and my in-laws – uncomplainingly paid for.
Beth disappeared off into the chattering throng of children to hang up her coat, while I made my way to the desk in the reception area outside her classroom, pretending not to notice a couple of other mums staring at me. I tried to pull my skirt down a bit, feeling every inch the incongruous 24-year-old. Thankfully, Beth returned, just in time for the door to her classroom to open, revealing the new head of pre-prep.
‘Good morning, Beth.’ He smiled down at her.
Beth said nothing, just twirled shyly on the spot, clutching onto the edge of my coat with one hand.
‘Can you say “Hello, Mr Strallen”?’ I could hear the tension in my too-quick prompt, but he laughed kindly as she stayed silent.
‘Don’t worry. You go on in, Beth.’
He stood to one side to let her pass, and she went straight over to join Cara – his daughter and Beth’s new best friend – on the reading mat. Cara was looking unusually downcast, with slightly puffy red eyes.
‘We’re a little out of sorts this morning,’ Mr Strallen confirmed.
‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ I said quietly.
‘Thank you. Good morning, Olivia! What a nice hat. I like the woolly pom-pom’ – another small girl cut through us, followed by her mother, who smiled demurely at Mr Strallen and completely ignored me. I glanced at him, but if the head was aware of the effect he’d had on most of the mums since starting at the school in September, he didn’t let it show and cheerily continued: ‘everyone gets a little overtired at this time of year. Short days, lots of bugs whizzing around. We all ought to be hibernating really. I wonder, actually, Mrs Davies, if I might have a moment? Could we step into my office?’
My heart gave an extra thud. ‘Now?’ I said quickly.
‘If you wouldn’t mind. It really won’t take long.’ He gestured to the small flight of stairs leading down to the lower corridor, and I looked worriedly back at Beth, sat alongside Cara – who was just staring at me.
‘I’ve got to get to work, but… OK. If you could just give me a second.’
‘Of course.’
I shoved Beth’s water bottle alongside all the others, and her book bag in the box, before hurrying over to the girls. ‘Beth, I need to say goodbye.’ She held up her arms for a hug, but distracted, I blew her a kiss instead. ‘Sorry, sweetheart, I’ve got to rush a bit, but have a lovely day, and I’ll see you later.’
I briefly paused once I was in the doorway and glanced back at Beth, now holding Cara’s hand, both of them chattering busily to each other, before stepping across to where the head was waiting. He held an arm out courteously, gesturing the way. I led with my head down, feeling very self-conscious as he followed behind.
I stood to one side as he opened the door to his compact but neatly ordered office. ‘Do please sit down.’ He offered me one of the rather battered red velvet armchairs on the nearside of his desk, but I stayed standing and waited until he’d carefully closed the door and turned to face me.
‘What the fuck, Simon?’ I said.
‘Shhh!’ He tried to smile, but his hands were held up defensively.
‘Two and a half months you’ve not said a word, but you choose now to do this?’ I exclaimed. ‘The moment’s passed, hasn’t it? I’d actually rather we just carry on with no contact, no compromising situations – no nothing. I have to be just another parent at the school. That’s it. No us on our own. At all. Ever. In fact, I’m going to go now.’
He took off his glasses, blinking slightly as he did so, and placed them on the desk. ‘Jess, I ask parents into my office all the time; this is totally normal. No one is going to suspect anything out of the ordinary.’