I closed my eyes; it was as if I was tumbling through the air, but he kept on talking anyway, and then I heard him say it: ‘there was nothing we could do, and I have to tell you that Beth died from her injuries.’ I plunged into icy water, gasping in shock as it closed in over my head. The nurse jumped up – both of them took my arms and guided me to a chair.
I looked up desperately into the doctor’s face, and I realised he had tears in his eyes. I would later discover he had a little girl Beth’s age too. He gently explained that yes, Beth had indeed fallen from a wooden cube climbing frame at playtime – a distance of little more than four feet – but she had hit her head on a concrete path that the frame had, for some reason, temporarily been moved over. She never regained consciousness and had been pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital.
A freak accident.
‘She didn’t have her gloves,’ I said, foolishly, punch-drunk.
There was a moment’s confused silence before the nurse asked. ‘Is there someone coming to be with you, Mrs Davies?’
‘My husband.’
‘Good – that’s good.’
‘Can I see Beth, please?’
‘Of course. I’ll just let them know we’re on our way.’ The doctor took a step towards the door.
‘Is the teacher who was with Beth still here?’ I couldn’t think straight. ‘Can I speak to her?’
‘Yes – and of course. One moment.’ He opened the door, stuck his head round and called out to a colleague. ‘The teacher with Beth Davies, could you just – oh, thank you. That’s great. Yes, we will be.’
He came back in, closed the door and sat down again. ‘Mrs Davies, I think you should know that Beth would not have suffered in any way. She wouldn’t at any point have been aware of what was happening, and—’
‘Thank you,’ I interrupted, unable to hear him say another word. I knew he was trying to be kind, and I must be sounding horribly calm, and measured. For a moment I wondered what they must think of me, but then found I couldn’t care less. It was as if I was watching this happen to myself. ‘It’s very nice of you to reassure me.’
‘Is there anything you would like to ask me about?—’
We were interrupted by a knock at the door, and the nurse got up to open it. ‘Mrs Davies? Yes, she’s in here.’
She opened the door wider, and in walked Simon.
I simply stared at him for a moment. ‘You?’ I managed eventually. ‘It was you that came in the ambulance with her?’
He nodded.
‘Could we have a moment’s privacy, please?’ I asked the nurse and doctor. I heard the door close behind them, and then we were alone.
‘I am so sorry, Jess,’ Simon said, his voice breaking as he moved towards me.
‘Don’t,’ I said, scrambling to my feet, the chair scraping on the floor as I leapt back instantly, ‘don’t touch me.’
Bewildered, he let his arms drop. ‘I didn’t mean to—’
‘Were you there when it happened?’ I asked.
He shook his head. ‘No. Mrs Fey and Mrs Mottram were on duty. One of the children in Mrs Mottram’s class was sick everywhere, and they moved the climbing cube so they could clear it up. Several of the kids started climbing on the frame while they were sorting the mess out; Cara, Beth, two of the boys from Mrs Mottram’s class. Beth fell. The children called to Sandra Fey, she turned around and Beth was already lying on the ground.
‘I arrived a couple of minutes later; by then someone had called an ambulance. Sandra, and Julie Mottram got the children inside, and I stayed with Beth. I held her hand and I talked to her.’ His eyes started to fill with tears. ‘I told her you were coming and that you loved her, and she wasn’t to be frightened, she was going to be alright, but she’d already gone. I’m absolutely certain she died instantly, Jess; there’s no doubt about it.’ He wiped his eyes, and I realised I was also crying. ‘I’m so very, very sorry. I came in the ambulance with her. I had to. You understand that, don’t you? I couldn’t let someone else take her.’
There was a pause, and then I nodded, slowly, unable to speak.
He reached out again. This time I let him take my hand. We just stood there, holding onto each other in stunned, naked grief.
‘I want to stay with you,’ he said a moment later, ‘but I expect your husband is coming?’
‘Yes, he is.’ I was barely able to get the words out. ‘He’ll be here any minute.’
‘OK. I’ll get back to Cara then. She was hysterical when I left. She saw it all. Louise is there obviously, but…’ he trailed off for a moment. ‘Listen, I also need to tell you that Louise knows everything – I told her after you left my office. She’s devastated, naturally – but then when this happened… She’s not going to breathe a word, Jess, I promise you that. Not now.’
And just like that, the wind changed direction again, re-covering everything I’d just unguardedly exposed with stinging sand. I lifted my gaze to his face slowly, took my hand back and looked at him in astonishment. ‘What did you just say?’
‘Louise is not going to tell anyone about you and me, about Beth being mine. She—’
‘You think I give a fuck about that, about Louise, about any of it? My daughter – MY daughter – just died, Simon!’
‘Oh, Jess, please! That’s exactly my point. I was trying to reassure you that you didn’t need to worry about anything coming out now, of all times, when—’
‘Didn’t you hear me? She’s dead,’ I cried. ‘She’s dead.’ I started to shake violently, and Simon moved towards me again, just as Ben burst in.
‘Jess?’ he said, frightened and confused. ‘Where’s Beth? No one will show me where she is; they just said you were in here. Why are you crying?’
Simon didn’t say anything, just quietly stepped back, respectfully turned, and left the room, closing the door behind him.
‘Jessica?’ Ben asked again, his voice starting to tremble. ‘Where is she?’
I looked at my husband, the last to know – again – and I walked over to him before taking both of his hands in mine, as if trying to physically brace him. ‘I’m so sorry, Ben—’
‘No,’ he said instantly, starting to shake his head. ‘NO!’
‘But Beth died at school this morning.’
I will never forget the sound of the cry he made as I told him.
It will haunt me forever.
Chapter Three
I stood outside the cathedral, looking up at the sharp spires spiking the heavy, grey sky, as the gargoyles peered down at me.
‘Jess?’ Ben reached out and gently turned me to face him. ‘It’s time.’ He pulled me to him, and kissed my forehead. ‘I’ll see you in there, OK?’
The second he let go of me, Laurel, my closest friend and Beth’s Godmother, immediately stepped forward and took my hand in his place, as I turned to watch Ben walk over to the hearse that was parked on the cathedral square.
The undertakers were carefully attending to the flowers around the small coffin – only mine and Ben’s arrangement of white roses were going to remain on top of it – as they prepared to hoist it onto the shoulders of my father, Ben, his brother, and my father-in-law. Glancing up again, in an attempt to stop my tears from spilling over – I turned away, and blurrily looked around me in disbelief at our familiar surroundings, now punctuated by this black car carrying my little girl. I did not see the faces of passers-by who had stopped with their shopping bags to stare, some of the more elderly among them making the sign of the cross and whispering silent prayers. Instead I focused on the paths that lined the edge of the cathedral – the ones Beth loved to run round after school. I pictured her; hair streaming out behind her, feet lifting as she ran, the sound of my voice calling after her to slow down and to stay where I could see her.
The tears began to fall as desperately I traced the empty paths.
‘Jess, we have to go in now,’ Laurel said.
* * *