Chapter TEN
THE FOLLOWING WEEK passed like the most fantastical dream. Whilst her days were spent sightseeing and touring the city—courtesy of Barry, Gabriel’s attentive chauffeur—Lara’s nights were all given over to Gabriel. On occasion he wined and dined her at wonderful restaurants, took her to the cinema or to see a show on Broadway, but whatever the entertainment or pleasure they participated in, the high point of every evening was always when they returned to Gabriel’s apartment and to each other’s arms.
Knowing that her short holiday was quickly coming to an end, and that soon she would be going home to England to resume her post as college librarian, Lara started to feel painfully anxious about the future of her relationship with Gabriel. Did they even have a future together? They had a powerful connection, certainly, and there was no disputing the fact that she loved him, but as he had noticeably avoided discussing commitment and making their association more meaningful, Lara couldn’t help but be apprehensive.
She had seen first-hand how devoted he was to what he did, and how seductive it must be to be so highly regarded in the financial arena he worked in. His colleagues all seemed to view Gabriel as practically irreplaceable. But did that mean he would never consider returning to the UK and once more making it his home?
During the time Lara had spent with him in New York he had never even mentioned the family home that he’d inherited. She was wary of trying to get him to discuss it in case it stirred up the fury and despair he’d expressed when he’d read his uncle’s letter, yet she knew that Gabriel would never come to terms with what had happened and start to heal his past if he never even addressed the issue.
What did he intend to do about the Regency manor house that he’d grown up in? Did he plan to sell it and not even consider going back to reside there?
If that were the case, and he stayed in New York, Lara was pretty certain she wouldn’t be joining him. The elite, sophisticated lifestyle and relentlessly driven aims of the bankers and financiers to make and acquire even more money and kudos epitomised everything she and her family disliked about the pursuit of material success in the world. As her brother, Sean, used to say, ‘What good is being rich if you don’t do something good with your wealth to help those less privileged on the planet?’
But Lara’s dilemma was more than just the fact that that particular way of living didn’t chime with her personal values. It had much more to do with her despair that Gabriel had never even once told her that he loved her. She had begun to suspect that he never would. Already she feared their heated, passionate union would be very quickly put aside to be replaced by even more work demands and perhaps occasionally the company of one of those ‘pretty ladies’ he’d mentioned that he called upon whenever he got lonely.
Was she really so hard to love? And would he honestly prefer that lonely and ultimately empty existence over enjoying Lara’s love and devotion for the rest of his life? Not to mention the possibility of creating a family of their own....
Sipping at a glass of orange juice in the living room as she waited for him to reappear that evening—he’d got back late from work and was still getting ready so that they could go out to dinner—Lara stared out at the stunning New York skyline of silver and shadows and felt unbearably sad.
Her sojourn here was rapidly coming to an end, and as yet nothing had been resolved between them about their relationship. This was to be her last night in the city because tomorrow she was flying home, and so far, aside from giving her the details of her flight, Gabriel had hardly even mentioned it.
‘Hey.’
The smoky cadence of his voice had her turning quickly, and just in time she managed to avoid spilling juice all over the pretty midnight blue silk dress Gabriel had bought her.
She had never sought for him to buy her gifts, and had frequently told him so whenever he suggested it, but when he’d told her he’d stepped out of his office one afternoon to visit a high-end store so that he might get her ‘something pretty to wear to dinner’, Lara had been helplessly touched by his thoughtfulness. Pleased, too. The garment was sleek and fitted, and when she’d taken it out of the stylish carrier bag and unwrapped it from its carefully folded tissue paper she’d been taken aback at just how perfect it was.
She shouldn’t have been surprised that it fitted as though made for her, because her lover had an astute eye for the details that many men might miss—not to mention intimately knowing the lines and curves of her body. The thought that he’d committed them to memory made her blood throb and heat in anticipation of the next time they would make love.
Setting the tall glass of juice aside, she curved her lips in an affectionate smile of awe and admiration. Gabriel stood before her dressed in another flawless suit, combined with a navy silk shirt and sky blue tie. His chestnut hair was swept back off his face to reveal the carved, clean lines that she was sure Michelangelo himself would have hungered to paint or sculpt.
‘Hey, yourself.’
‘I see you’re wearing the dress.... Stand up—let me see how it fits.’
Getting to her feet, Lara obligingly made a slow turn to show off the dress from every angle.
An array of tumultuous feelings hit Gabriel all at once. But first and foremost was the dizzying sensation of warmth that flooded his heart—flooded it like a cascading waterfall where, if you were to stand underneath it, you would scarcely be able to draw breath with the force of it.
As he stood and surveyed the bewitching combination of beauty and sensuality that was Lara, and sensed his blood start to pound with the inevitable hunger and need that always arose when she was near, he wondered if that alien feeling was love. That sense of complete and utter helplessness in the face of something that he’d always told himself he didn’t want? That hitching of his heart and the weakness in his limbs whenever he caught sight of the woman he intuitively knew he would be willing to die for in order to keep safe? And—more than that—the feeling of devastating loss he imagined he would suffer if he were never to see her again? Surely they were all signs that pointed to him being head over heels in love with Lara?
But what followed that wondrous revelation was the dark demon of fear. Fear that he might ruin her life because he had no experience of caring for such a priceless jewel.
For so long Gabriel had held himself apart from any sensitivity or feeling around women in case he got hurt. Look what his own mother had done to him. With such a precarious introduction into the world, trust—particularly when it came to women—was surely going to be an ongoing issue for him.
His thinking ran along the lines of what if he allowed himself to get involved with someone and then got hurt so badly he would never be able to recover enough to do the one thing that he did well? That was acquiring money and status in his chosen field. At least that gave him options with regard to how he lived. And in any case, surely it was better to be rich and miserable rather than the reverse?
Mentally giving himself a shake, Gabriel turned his attention back to the dress Lara was modelling. It could indeed have been tailor-made for her exquisite form—and, being personally acquainted with just how exquisite that form was, he knew, with a glimmer of pride, that he had chosen so well.
‘You look utterly beautiful—in fact, you’re ravishing,’ he told her.
‘It’s the dress.’
‘Can’t you accept a compliment for once without putting yourself down, for goodness’ sake?’
As soon as the words left his lips Gabriel wanted to take them back. His thoughtless remark had made Lara’s cheeks flush with embarrassed heat and he was once again reminded of his fears around loving her. In truth, he couldn’t bear the idea of hurting her even once, let alone the many times he might thoughtlessly hurt her should they spend the rest of their lives together.
Tucking her hair behind an ear, she lifted her shoulders in a shrug. ‘Perhaps I’m not very good at receiving compliments—which is why I try and deflect them with humour. It doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate you saying nice things to me, Gabriel. What woman wouldn’t want a man to tell her she looks beautiful?’
‘I’m sorry I snapped at you. I guess I’m just feeling a little on edge, knowing that you’re leaving tomorrow,’ he admitted, his chest tightening at the thought. He went to her then and folded her into his arms. Resting his chin on the top of her head, he stroked his hand down her back and immediately sensed her quiver. ‘I should kidnap you and stop you from going,’ he murmured.
Moving back a little, so that she might examine him, Lara knew her luminous brown eyes couldn’t hide her disquiet.
‘You don’t have to resort to kidnapping me to get me to stay with you, Gabriel. I’d gladly stay with you if you just simply asked.’ She sighed and shook her head. ‘But you won’t, will you? Just simply ask, I mean?’
She was beginning to know him too well. ‘Aren’t you looking forward to going back to England—to your family and your job...your life there?’ he replied, hoping to divert her.
‘Of course I am. Can I ask you something?’
Her voice had lowered softly and he guessed she was wary of upsetting him. He hated the idea that Lara felt she had to walk on eggshells around him.
Releasing her, he restlessly drove his fingers through his hair. ‘What is it you want to ask?’
‘Have you... Have you ever thought of coming back to England to settle? I mean, what about the house that you inherited from your family? Have you made up your mind about what you’re going to do with it?’
‘Yes, I have. I’ll be travelling back in a few days to sign some papers. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, but it just never seemed to be the appropriate time.’
‘You’re selling it, aren’t you? That means you won’t be coming back to settle, doesn’t it?’
Gabriel swallowed hard. It was time to tell Lara the truth—the whole truth.
‘In my uncle’s letter, he stipulated that I could only inherit if I came back to live in the manor for at least six months. After that I could do what I liked with the house.’
Her eyes lit up and he saw the hope that flared in their silken depths.
‘Then you could come back to live there? We could see each other whenever we wanted?’
‘Sweetheart, as difficult as it might be for you to understand, I don’t want to live in that house again. It holds too many unhappy memories for me. I’d be much better off selling it and staying here.’
The colour drained from Lara’s face. ‘But didn’t you just say that your uncle stipulated in his letter that you could only inherit if you lived there for six months? If you’re not planning on doing that, how will you sell it? It won’t be yours to sell, will it?’
‘I have a very good lawyer. There are ways and means to get round the legalities.’
‘I don’t understand....’
Her voice faltered a little and she looked as if she might cry. Gabriel felt like the worst criminal.
‘I mean, it’s not as though you need the money, is it? Why not just keep the house? Keep it for your family?’
He stared at her. ‘You know I don’t have any family.’ He ground out the words as if they might choke him. What was Lara playing at, coming out with such a thing?
‘I mean that you might one day have a family of your own. That would help dispel the unhappy memories of living in the house, wouldn’t it?’
‘I’m happy to take risks in my working life, Lara, but not in my personal one. Don’t you know that by now?’
He saw her take a nervous swallow, then slide her palms down over the pretty blue dress he’d bought her. She lifted her shimmering gaze to his.
‘I suppose I do. I just hoped that, given time, you’d come to see things differently. The eternal optimist—that’s me.’ Her lips quirked in a self-deprecating smile. ‘Shouldn’t we go to dinner now? It’s getting late, and I ought to try and get a good night’s sleep before travelling tomorrow. I’ll just go and get my jacket.’
As Lara left the room, Gabriel stared blankly ahead of him out of the window at the winking lights of the city that had helped him to make his fortune. And right then he despised himself and it for contributing to breaking the heart of one of the sweetest and loveliest women in the world....
* * *
They sat down on their last night together to what should have been a wonderful meal at a local Thai restaurant, but for Lara the delicious food might as well have been gruel for all the enjoyment it gave her.
She was numb from her head down to her toes. The realisation that Gabriel wasn’t any nearer to changing his mind about returning to England to face the demons from his past or to consider the possibility of committing to a proper relationship with her had finally sunk in. He’d asserted that he was happy to take risks in his working life but not in his personal one. The declaration had shattered her heart because she knew it was the death knell to all her hopes and dreams where he was concerned. What else could she do now but accept his decision to continue living his life in New York without her?
‘Don’t you like the food I ordered for you?’ As he laid his fork down by the side of his plate, Gabriel’s lean, hollow-cheeked face was grim. He reached up to loosen his tie as if he suddenly couldn’t bear the constriction.
Biting back the tears that precariously threatened, Lara dabbed at her lips with her napkin. ‘I know you meant well, bringing me here to eat, but I’m afraid I don’t have much of an appetite.’
‘You should have said.’
‘I didn’t because you’ve been working all day and I didn’t have anything at the apartment to cook for you. I knew you needed to eat. That’s why I agreed to go out to dinner with you.’
‘As usual, putting others before yourself.’ Although he’d lowered his voice, the muted volume didn’t disguise the disparagement in his tone.
Lara flinched. ‘You make it sound like it’s something you despise—to think of others, I mean. I can’t help my nature, Gabriel.’
His blue eyes were as clear and cold as flawless diamonds. ‘No, you can’t, can you? That’s why I knew it was probably a mistake to start this affair. But I’m only human and I simply couldn’t resist.’
If she hadn’t been trembling so hard at his words, and feared losing her balance should she attempt to stand, Lara knew she couldn’t have remained sitting in her seat. For the first time ever she honestly felt she disliked the man who gazed back at her across the table.
‘Is that really all you thought us being together was? An affair? Something you could take or leave? I knew you had the potential to be cruel, Gabriel, but I never guessed just how cruel.’
‘Why? It isn’t as though I haven’t given you enough evidence.’
‘You’re right. You started giving me evidence all those years ago, when I was just sixteen.’
Lara’s comment drew a disturbed frown between Gabriel’s brows. ‘When you were sixteen? I doubt it. You surely didn’t take it seriously when I used to rib you about not having a boyfriend because you were so choosy?’
‘It wasn’t that. Don’t you remember Sean’s party? The one he threw at our house? I know you do because you talked about it that first day, when you showed up to offer your condolences for Sean. Well, that night you were flirting with me, and in my innocence I took it to mean that you liked me. I mean really liked me. I foolishly told you how I felt about you....’
Lara paused. The memory was suddenly more acute than it had ever been. The power of it made her ribs hurt.
‘I don’t think it pleased you. If anything, you were probably highly embarrassed. You told me I should look to be with someone my own age. Then you saw that blonde tutor from your university across the room and you all but pushed me aside to get to her. So yes, Gabriel. I do know that you can be cruel.’
He shook his head. ‘That was a long time ago. You were just a kid. I wouldn’t have wanted to encourage your interest because you were my best friend’s little sister and your family’s regard was important to me.’
‘But feelings are feelings, no matter what age you are, and even then mine ran deep, Gabriel. Anyway, we’re talking about what’s happening now. What I want to know is are you reducing what we have to the description of a mere affair because you’re trying to protect yourself from being hurt should you commit seriously to me? I don’t understand. How can I hurt you if you don’t really let me into your life, Gabriel?’
‘As hard as it might be for you to hear, Lara, I don’t need anyone in my life. My life is just fine the way it is.’
‘Is that true?’ Sadly shaking her head, Lara barely knew how to proceed. Gabriel was implacable when he erected his defences. As hard as iron. She knew that.
‘It’s pointless continuing this conversation.’ Throwing down his napkin, he signalled for the waiter. ‘I’ll only hurt you even more if we continue, and you’re going home tomorrow.’
Lara stayed in her seat and said softly, ‘You’re probably right. Okay. Why don’t you just pay the bill and we’ll go?’
‘Wise decision,’ he murmured, just at the same moment as the smiling waiter arrived at their table.
* * *
It truly amazed Lara how quickly she had got back into the routine of working after the long summer break. In the endless days and long, sleepless nights following her departure from Gabriel in New York she’d wondered if she’d ever find pleasure or satisfaction in the job she loved again. But as soon as she had returned to the college, and the requests and demands of the students for help with their research, she’d taken both refuge and pleasure in the familiar routine of the life she was used to.
It helped her not to dwell on Gabriel too much. She would have been utterly useless doing her job if she had.
Yet the memory of their agonising goodbye at the airport and his comment that he’d known it was a mistake to start their affair still had the power to make her cry.
The distance he’d put between them at the restaurant with his remark the night before she was due to leave had grown even wider when he’d told her he thought it best they slept in separate rooms, so that Lara could get a good night’s rest before catching her flight the next day. Even though he’d been hateful at the restaurant she hadn’t slept a wink. Without Gabriel in the bed next to her—the Gabriel who had been so loving and passionate—she’d felt as if an essential part of her was missing.
Although she’d told herself she didn’t understand his sudden cold impulse to distance himself from her not just physically but emotionally, in truth she did understand. He’d been running away again. Not just from Lara, but from his fear of love and all that that might mean. He simply didn’t trust it in case it was taken away, just as his mother had been taken away from him when she took her own life. That was why he’d taunted Lara with his remark that their ‘affair’ had been a mistake. He’d been trying to push her away. He wouldn’t run the risk of caring for her too much in case she ended up hurting him.
The next morning, although they’d sat at the dining table together for breakfast, Gabriel had busied himself making several calls on his cell phone that had ensured his attention was on his work and not on her.
Lara might as well have been invisible. She’d tried hard to make conversation, hoping to engage him with her heartfelt declaration that she was still going to miss him despite what he had said at the restaurant, and that it would be hard to go home knowing they might not ever see each other again.
Gabriel’s handsome face had remained worryingly impassive, as though he was deliberately locking her out—locking her out of his mind and his heart—and finally, when his chauffeur had called to tell him the car was ready to take them to the airport, out of his life, too.
When he’d left her at the airport he’d hesitatingly laid his hands on her shoulders and bent his head to kiss her. Lara had tensed helplessly, hoping and praying that he was going to have a change of heart and declare he couldn’t just let her disappear out of his life without making some plans for the future. But to add to her distress his parting kiss hadn’t been the least bit passionate or heartfelt. They might have just been mere acquaintances. The touch of his lips had been briefly warm and perfunctory, nothing more. Then, after telling her to take care of herself, that he’d probably be in touch just as soon as he ‘got his head straight’, he’d turned on his heel and hadn’t looked back even once as he’d exited the airport.
Back at work, despite her vow not to dwell too much on her longing for Gabriel, memories of his warm, hard body against hers, of the smiles that had tugged at her heart because they were so rare and therefore even more precious, of the sound of his voice especially before he made love to her, when he’d seductively enticed and teased her, would sneak up on her when Lara least expected it. She would wonder what he was doing and if he even gave her a second thought. Had Gabriel already replaced her in his bed with some pretty, ambitious girl who viewed him as a sure-fire ticket to success and fortune? A girl who might please him sexually but would never love him—not like she loved him.
‘Hello, Miss Bradley. Did you have a good holiday?’
She blinked, then glanced up from the paperwork she’d been desperately trying to apply herself to before thoughts of Gabriel had intruded once again.
A tall, slim young man dressed in skinny jeans and an unironed T-shirt stood on the other side of the counter. He had a shock of sandy-coloured hair in dire need of a wash and a comb. Lara immediately relaxed. Danny Fairfax was one of the most pleasant students you could wish to meet—charming and affable, in spite of his sometimes unkempt appearance. She always made sure to make time for him when he needed help with some aspect of the research he was struggling with.
‘It was fine, thanks.’ She followed up this answer with an unguarded, warm smile. Danny immediately flushed beetroot-red, which endeared him to her even more. ‘And I told you before to call me Lara. “Miss Bradley” makes me sound like some elderly spinster.’
His lips broke into a grin. But he quickly looked serious again. ‘I’m sorry I asked if your holiday was good. I forgot that you told me your brother had recently died. Obviously you must still be grieving for him.’
The comment took Lara aback. Not just because Danny had remembered the fact but also because she realised she’d probably been thinking more about Gabriel than about Sean. Of course she still missed her brother’s presence, and not a day went by when she didn’t mourn him, but Gabriel was a living, breathing reality, and when she’d been with him he had reached deep down inside her and stolen both her heart and her soul. She knew Sean would understand, even give her his blessing. He had loved Gabriel, too.
Staring back into Danny’s strangely still grey eyes, Lara wondered if he would ever experience the depth of love and passion that she had experienced with Gabriel. She could only pray that he wouldn’t have his heart splintered and broken as hers had been.
‘Yes, I’m still grieving. But losing someone like that... It still feels like they’re around. You know what I mean? His presence is everywhere.’ It didn’t pass Lara by that she might have been talking about Gabriel.
‘Yes, I do know what you mean,’ Danny answered gravely. ‘I lost my dad two years ago at Christmas and sometimes I hear his voice as though he’s in the room with me, especially when I’m trying to work out a problem. He was from Yorkshire, and when things got tough he always used to say, “Don’t let the man grind you down!” Funny how that used to help me.’
‘He sounds as though he was a very wise man, your dad.’
‘He was. He was the best.’
‘So, Danny...’ Lara purposefully switched back into work mode. It wouldn’t help her to dwell on her personal sorrows too much and nor would it help Danny—although she was touched that he would share the story of his personal loss with her. It was good to know that she wasn’t the only one walking around with the feeling that life had pulled the rug from under her and she might never walk on firm ground again. ‘What can I do for you today?’
* * *
Gabriel had been revisiting his old bedroom. Although his initial reaction on entering it had been wary, his stomach clenched hard in readiness for the deluge of hurtful memory that would inevitably swamp him, he had been mildly surprised to see that the room was newly decorated, freshened up.
Had Richard Devenish undertaken to get a decorator in before he’d fallen ill? Why on earth had he done that? It wasn’t as though he’d needed an extra room. Had he perhaps believed that his nephew would return and make the manor his home again?
Bemused, Gabriel allowed his gaze to sweep his surroundings in a preliminary search. His glance falling on the neatly arranged books in the two maplewood bookcases that he remembered from his childhood, he leant down to retrieve a first edition copy of Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. It had been a Christmas present from his uncle when he was just nine. He had all but devoured the book. He’d loved it so much he had even written an essay about it at school.
That year his teacher had commented in his report, ‘Gabriel is a precocious reader with a highly inventive imagination that I am sure will take him far!’
His lips nudging a bittersweet smile, he replaced the book and turned round. Janet Mullan, the housekeeper, had left the large picture windows open to let in the sunshine. The scent of stocks and roses from the garden below also drifted in delicately, filling the air with the heady summer perfume that Gabriel had always loved even as a boy.
Releasing a slow, contemplative breath, he walked to the windows to stare out at the stunning vista. He recalled thinking at that time that it wouldn’t be so bad living here if he could have a few of the boys from school to come and stay with him in the holidays. But his nanny—a middle-aged lady called Margaret—had shaken her head and reminded him that his uncle had forbidden it, in case any of the valuable antiques in the house got broken.
To make up for his disappointment she’d given him a hug, ruffled his hair and said she’d take him to the local fair on the village green...perhaps he’d see some of his friends there? Well, Gabriel had gone to the fair, munched at a toffee apple and a sticky bun, palled up with a local boy and had a whale of a time, sliding down the helter-skelter and riding the carousel. That had been one of the best days of that summer, he recalled.
But sadly, events like that had been too few and far between. His taciturn uncle had grown more and more distant, seemingly preferring to stay away rather than share the house with Gabriel when he was home, and concepts like heritage and family had quickly grown to mean less and less to his nephew. The next summer holiday that Gabriel had properly enjoyed had been after his first year at university, when he had met Sean.
Inevitably, the thought of his best friend brought with it a new deluge of heartfelt memories—of Lara and the stricken look on her pretty face when he’d bade her goodbye less than warmly at the airport. It had been the hardest thing he’d ever done, and every night and day that had passed since had given him plenty of cause to regret it. It had been a cruel way to end their too-brief relationship—pretending that he didn’t care how she felt. It had been the act of his life.
The truth was he cared too much. He just hadn’t been able to deal with the outpouring of love and affection that he’d received from Lara. It had been a totally unfamiliar experience to have someone love him and want to be with him—not because of what he could materially provide for them but because they wanted to be with the man behind the facade Gabriel had affected all these years. The real Gabriel Devenish.
But why should he let Lara waste her love on him? Sooner or later she’d find out that he just wasn’t worth it. In years to come, when she was married to a really decent man, she’d thank him for it.
Feeling an overwhelming sense of weariness and despair descend, he lowered himself onto the bed, put his hands behind his head, and lay down. His uncle’s solicitor was waiting for him downstairs in the drawing room—waiting for Gabriel to give him his decision about what he intended to do with the house. Remembering that he’d also promised his property developer friend that he would ring him to discuss some figures regarding the potential sale of the manor, Gabriel loosed a heavy sigh and shut his eyes.