I grin. “Much better.” Then I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him, and I keep kissing him until the music begins and I can’t help glancing at the screen. Jesse chuckles and pulls away, saying, “More of that later. This is for you.”
“For us. But you do realize I remember every word to every song, right? I’m going to scream them all, at the top of my lungs.”
“Good.” He takes my hand, squeezing it as he turns me to face the screen. “I’ve been waiting for that, for a very long time.”
I’m hanging a photo in our living room. Our new living room. It’s been barely a month since that night with Tiffany, but when Mae puts her mind to something, it happens. Fast.
She’s bought a house. A four-bedroom one just a few blocks from Jesse. Gran and Mom arrived yesterday. They’re moving in, and Mae has hired a full-time caregiver to help.
Yes, I’m staying in Riverside. This is my home, and I’m taking it back.
Mae might have gone about it the wrong way, but ultimately, she was right – I needed to face this. It was the only way to find myself again.
Mom and I are hanging an old photo of Gran and Grandpa over the fireplace. Gran stands in the middle of the room, directing us to shift it up, down, left, right… With each new move, Mom rolls her eyes at me.
Finally, I say, “There, perfect.”
Gran motions for us to lift the picture up a bit. I ignore her and pound in the nail while Mom holds the photo. When we’re done, Mom rumples my hair, like she used to, and gives me a quick hug. Before she pulls away, she whispers, “We’ll be okay, baby.”
I think we will be. On the sofa is a college brochure Mom picked up after announcing her intention to take a few courses, in hopes of honing her rusty graphic design skills. That’s a good sign. Really good. I know, though, that finding out the truth about Luka won’t fix her depression. There is no insta-cure. There’s a continuum between sickness and wellness, and my hope – all of our hopes – is that this will push her closer to the “well” end.
Mom had depression, but the shooting nearly destroyed her. I’m not sure if I truly realized that. I think there was always a part of me that wanted to tug her sleeve and say, “You’ve still got one kid, Mom. Don’t forget about me.” And, yes, maybe I resented her a little, when she couldn’t be there for me.
I understand better now, after what I’ve been through. I understand how she blamed herself for what happened with Luka. Dad certainly blamed her. So did others, as I heard at RivCol. Luka’s mom was “crazy.” Either he inherited some gene or her neglect pushed him to vent his frustration by joining a school shooting.
Now, like me, she knows we didn’t miss something in Luka. We didn’t fail him. As important as that is to me, it means more to her. It is the lifting of a dark veil, and when I look at her now, I see my mom again. She even woke me up this morning with one of her god-awful songs.
After the photo is hung, I realize Mae is holding a book and a shoe box. She hands the book to Mom and the shoe box to me. I open it. Inside…
My breath catches when I see what’s inside.
“Luka’s sketches,” I whisper.
Mae nods. “I took them off your bedroom walls after you left. I knew you’d want them again someday. I hoped you would, anyway.”
I hug her. She doesn’t expect that, and it’s kinda like hugging a statue, but she doesn’t resist. When I pull back, she plants an awkward kiss on my forehead.
I hear a noise and look over to see Mom crying. My gut seizes, as if in the course of three seconds, she’s plunged into the pit of depression again. Then Gran sits beside her and puts an arm around her shoulders, and together they open the book Mae gave her. It’s our family photo album.
Mom looks up at Mae and says, “I thought this was gone forever.”
“Never,” Mae says.
I slip out then. I walk to my new room, and I sit on the bed, and I go through Luka’s sketches, and I cry. I can do that now.
Cry. Grieve. Mourn.
It hurts so much, and there are days when I almost want to go back to thinking Luka was a monster, so I don’t have to feel this. But that only lasts a moment. I have my brother again, and that’s what I wanted, more than anything.
I tack up a sketch of the two of us, dressed as goofy superheroes.
Make me a hero, Skye.
I kiss my finger and tap it to his forehead. You are, Luka. To me, you always were. Now you always will be.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
First, a huge thank-you to S. K. Ali for her feedback on the portrayal of Jesse and his family. S.K., thank you for making this such an easy and positive process. I cannot tell you how much I appreciated that.
Also, to my editors Phoebe Yeh at Crown US, Lynne Missen at Doubleday Canada and Antonia Hodgson at Little Brown UK, and my agent Sarah Heller, thanks for all your help whipping this one into shape!