Of all the fantasies I’ve had over the past few weeks about this night, none of them involved what I’m witnessing right now. The sleeping bags are positioned on the floor and Blair is sitting Indian-style pulling clothes from her bag to put on.
“Princess, I was kinda hoping you’d be taking your clothes off.”
“Relax, I’m just looking for something to sleep in, it’s colder than I was expecting.”
“I can think of a few ways to warm you up.” I lunge forward knocking her onto her back and positioning myself over her.
“You’re an idiot,” she giggles.
“You’re right, I’ve let you stay clothed for way too long.” I wink and then begin unbuttoning her shirt, my fingers trembling with the desire and need that she elicits in me. I lower my face to hers and I push my fingers into her hair. I place a kiss on the tip of her nose and then remove her glasses and place kisses over each eyelid. I can feel her heart beating against my chest and I think it's my new favorite thing.
Her mouth moves to make contact with my own as she runs her hands over my back, pulling me down onto her harder. The awareness of her body pressed against mine has me pulling at her shirt, wanting to feel her skin against me, minus the barrier of our clothes. She shrugs out of it only breaking the kiss to allow me to pull my t-shirt up over my head.
We resume our positions, only this time it’s skin on skin and I can feel her trembling beneath me. We are a mess of tangled limbs and desperate kisses, our hands frantically exploring one another. I break away and reach over to my backpack to retrieve a condom. I’m pulling out everything I packed looking for them; I know I packed them I just can’t seem to find where.
“There’s a pack in my bag,” Blair offers.
“You brought condoms?”
“Wasn’t sure if you’d bring enough.” She smiles and I want to say to hell with the protection and just take her now.
I move over and start looking through her bag. I pull out a few items of clothing along with her camera and a notebook, placing them on the floor besides me. I find her toiletry bag and the pack of condoms nestled neatly in the side. Thank god. I place her clothes and camera back into the bag and pick up the notebook to do the same. A bunch of papers fall out, fluttering slowly to the ground and land where I’m kneeling. I open the book to place the papers back within it and pause when I notice my name. I look from the book to Blair and back down at the book again. My heart rate accelerates as I pull out the list that’s nestled between the pages and read down it. My stomach rolls and I shake my head, willing the words I’m seeing to somehow magically change before me. I look to Blair but she’s frozen, watching and waiting for my reaction.
“Is this some kind of joke?”
“Ethan, it's not what you think.”
I let out a laugh that’s anything but humorous and feel a cold chill run down my spine.
“Really Blair? Because it looks like Emily’s list to me, and funnily enough I’ve been singled out on it.” I look again at the purple writing in front of me. #10. Lose my V card (Ideally Ethan Jamison!) It’s been crossed off the list, just like everything else except Visit Vegas, The Grand Canyon and Fall in love. Shit.
“Did you plan on getting to know me so you could sleep with me for this fucking list?”
She flinches at my words and I’d probably feel bad for it if she hadn’t just ripped my heart out.
“What? Of course not! Don’t be stupid.”
“Stupid’s a goddamn understatement, Blair. You slept with me to cross off a stupid point on a list that someone else made.”
I stand as best I can in this stupid fucking tent and pull my t-shirt back on. I need to get out of here and get some air; I can’t breathe. I unzip the door and walk outside while Blair scrambles behind me to put her shirt back on. I kick at the dirt with my toe and work my jaw back and forth. I can feel my eyes start to prickle with tears and I hold by head back, looking up towards the sky as I try my best to keep them in check. I don’t know what’s gutted me more, the fact that I was probably just a point to cross off for her, or that she didn’t cross off that she’s fallen in love.
“Ethan, it's really not what you think. Please let me explain.”
“What’s left to explain? That list was pretty clear.” I can hear the blood rushing in my ears. I don’t want to listen to anything that she says at the moment. I trusted her, told her things about my life that I’ve never said out loud to another person. I fell in love with her, and for what? It’s all been a huge lie. I’ve probably been one massive inconvenience in this whole fucked up experiment, or whatever the hell this is.