I SIT STARING at the unopened envelope pinned onto my notice board above the desk in my room. It’s filled with pictures of Emily and me through the years. There are pictures of us from grade school with braces and no front teeth; pictures of us at the mall in one of those photo booths, pulling stupid faces and giving our best pout; stalker pictures of Emily in the halls by Ethan Jamison’s locker, Ethan in the background having no idea we were trying to take pictures of him. I lean back in my desk chair and crack my knuckles, stretching out my arms above my head. I’m going to do it. The thought makes me feel sick and dizzy, I can feel my eyes start to prick with tears. I let out a sigh.
“Get a freaking grip, Blair, it’s just a letter,” I say aloud.
I unpin it from the board, shaking so much that my name in all its purple ink glory is blurring into the pink of the envelope. I want to read it. I need to read it. It’s been haunting me for the past three goddamn months. Only I know, once I finally do open it, that’s it. That’s the last thing I’ll ever have from Emily. I know I need to just do it, but it hurts, it hurts so damn much that I want to scream.
I take a calming breath, roll my shoulders and carefully open the envelope and pull the letter out, sending a ton of pink glitter and purple heart confetti soaring into the air. It rains down over me, covering my desk and bedroom floor. I'm gonna be sparkly for a month. I hate glitter. Emily knew that, it’s no oversight. The thought makes me smile; she knew she’d be pissing me off. I unfold the paper and stare down at her handwriting, attempting to focus on the words.
Blair,
If you’re reading this then I've obviously croaked it. Lol! I know it’s not funny but I kinda have to make a joke of it, so that what I'm writing doesn't feel so real, you know? I’m writing this letter to you after just finishing the one I’ve written for my mom and dad. I need to lighten the mood, so I'm gonna confess something. I can say it now because I'm not here anymore and there’ll be no retaliation. It’s a cheap trick, but you know you love me.
Last year when Corey Spencer asked you out, and then cancelled on you at the last minute, I may or may not have accidentally told him that you used to write Mrs. Blair Spencer and practice your signature at the back of your journal. And I may have also told him that you had your kids’ names picked out already. I know, I know, I totally freaked him out! I thought he'd laugh and tease you about it on your date, but I guess he kinda thought you were a bunny boiler and bailed. Sorry!!!
Okay, so now that I have that off my chest, I need you to do something for me and you can’t say no, because it's a dying girl’s wish! Yeah, I know, I played the dying BFF card. But please, just think about it.
So, I have a bucket list. Totally morbid and cliché, but never mind. Last year when I was told the cancer wasn't going away I listed all the things that I wanted to do before I take my Long Sleep. I didn't tell you or Mom because I wanted something that was just mine, that I’d achieved, and I managed to cross a few of them off. You were actually with me for most of them, but not all of them, and that’s where I need your help.
I figured that there has to be something after this life, right? This can’t just be it; at least I hope this isn’t just it. If there is such a thing as reincarnation and I can still visit you or see you from my cloud (yep, I'm totes gonna spend my days laying out on clouds), then if you finish my list it would be like me getting to experience it. I know it sounds crazy but hear me out. You’re the closet person to me. My mom always says we’re practically the same girl with different hair. And if it were the other way around, I would do this for you. I’d complain and bitch about it, but I would still do it.
My list is attached. I know what I'm asking is probably unfair, but you know how I hate not finishing something I started, be it homework or cheesecake. Lol! So, #10 is a ridiculous ask—you really don't have to do that—but a kiss would suffice. :-) I really wish I’d made a play for that hot piece of ass.
Anyway, if you decide you can’t, don't worry, I won’t haunt you. I love you more than the stars.
You're the most awesome friend a girl could ever have wished for. I have so many awesome memories and every one of them includes you. You have been my shoulder to cry on, my punching bag, literally and verbally. You made me feel happy when I didn't think there was anything to be happy about, and I’m gonna miss you the most. You're like the other half of me, the Bert to my Ernie, the peanut butter to my jelly!!!
I love you, Blair. I always will.
Emily xoxo
P.S. You would have totally been my maid of honor when I finally married Ethan Jamison and had a billion of his sexy ass babies.