He tucked me against him with his arm across my back, his palm completely covering my shoulder. When he began to make feather-light figure eights on my skin with his fingertip, a chill ran down my spine. But nothing compared to what he did to me when his breath blew through the top of my hair. A fire ignited between my legs, and like a match dropped in a forest during a drought, it consumed my entire body in a split second.
I needed relief, the kind only Cash could offer. So I slid my hand up to his chest, then softly ran it down to his abs until I found the coarse hairs just beneath his navel. His arm flexed around me, which only spurred me on more. Turning my head the slightest bit, I was able to press my lips to his heated flesh. It seemed like every muscle in his body coiled tight when I kissed the smooth area just below his collarbone, but when my tongue snaked out and I ran the tip along his salty skin, a groan rumbled through the room.
“Jade…” His voice was husky and strained, yet it was full of desperation. It was obvious he was holding himself back, but the second I slipped my fingers beneath the elastic waistband on his shorts, he snapped. He grabbed my wrist—a little rougher than I was used to with him, but instead of filling me with fear, it turned me on—and then rolled into me, pushing me onto my back. In an instant, he had his hard, rigid body over mine, my hand pinned to the pillow over my head. “Don’t…” he warned.
“Why not?” The desire ripping through me left me panting, my question breathless.
“Not until you decide to be with me.”
The backs of my eyes stung with the presence of tears.
He hung his head, breaking our eye contact. Instead of saying anything else, he fell to the bed onto his side and hooked his arm around my waist. Twisting my body, he pulled my back to his front all in one move, and then curled himself against me. His hold around my waist locked me in place, secured me to him. It was enough to swathe me in comfort. Except it didn’t. His flexed muscles and harsh breaths warned me of the agony I’d caused him. And because of that, my heart broke all over again.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and asked, “Have you ever watched the movie, ‘Constipated’?”
“No.” It was obvious he was confused by my random question.
“That’s because it hasn’t come out yet.”
His chest rumbled just slightly. “Goodnight, babe,” he whispered into my hair.
“Night, Cash.”
I thought that was it, but then he added, “I love you,” and I squeezed my eyes shut, giving in to the ache that tore through my chest. I love you, too.
As if he heard me, his body relaxed, his hold slackened, and he provided the consolation I so desperately needed.
“Jade, sweetheart,” my mom said with pain flooding her voice. She sat on one couch and I sat on the other with Aria curled up next to me taking a nap. It wasn’t until I heard her call my name that I realized I’d zoned out, lost in dark thoughts while staring into the kitchen. When I turned to look at her, she asked, “Could you please help me to bed? I need another pain pill and it’ll make me sleepy, so I’d rather not be out here when it kicks in.”
After three days with Cash, I hadn’t wanted to come back here. But Mom needed help, and the at-home-care providers weren’t with her all the time, so I didn’t feel like I had much of a choice. When I woke up alone Monday morning, I knew my fantasy weekend had ended. Cash had gone back to work, and the knot in the pit of my stomach reminded me why I couldn’t give him what he wanted. In order to stop obsessing over the worst-case scenarios that plagued me, I drove across the state to be there for my mom.
I kept telling myself this would get easier, but it never did. At first, I used Aria as an excuse why I couldn’t stay long or had to leave. I made myself scarce when the nurses were with her. When she needed a ride to physical therapy, I’d met her at the door and had dropped her off the same way. But today, I couldn’t avoid it any longer. The nurse had to leave unexpectedly, and my mom was still in pain—she hadn’t been home for a full week yet.
But this…this proved to be more than I could handle.
Mom had taken the bedroom on the first floor since she couldn’t climb the stairs. It had once been my room, where all my secrets were kept, but I hadn’t been in it since the day I’d packed our belongings and left. Now she needed me to take her there, and I wasn’t sure if I could.
She used the walker and took slow, cautious steps, and I followed behind, my throat growing tighter the closer we got. I tried to tell myself I was overreacting, that I had slept in that room for years, both during and long after his visits. But the longer I’d been away, the scarier those four walls became. I’d built it up to be this black hole with mold growing on the ceiling and dirt covering the floor. In my mind, rodents had taken over, bugs and insects living off the filth he’d left behind.
“Jade? Sweetheart?” Mom’s voice caught my attention and I glanced up, expecting her to be right there. But she wasn’t. She’d made it to the bedroom door and had turned to find me twenty feet behind her. I was frozen, unable to move. An invisible weight had pressed into my chest, making breathing almost impossible. “Jade?”
“I can’t, Mom. I can’t go in there.” I took a step back, nearly tripping over my feet. “I-I have to go. I’m so sorry.”
“Jade!” Her voice was filled with panic as she called after me. “Jade, please. I can’t chase you. Talk to me.”
I’d managed to grab Aria, find my purse and keys, and make it three steps from the front door by the time my mom reached the entrance to the living room. She called my name one more time, fear and anguish overpowering her weak voice.
It was enough to make me stop and face her.
“Baby, talk to me. Please,” she begged, a sob catching in her words.
“I’m sorry, Mom.” Tears blurred my vision and flooded my cheeks. “I love you. And I want to be here for you. But I can’t be here. I can’t go in there. I can’t… I can’t…”
She gasped and caught herself with the walker, using it to keep her from falling. Her eyes scanned the living room before she peered over her shoulder to the hallway, toward my old bedroom, and a deafening howl ripped through her.
I didn’t need to say anything.
She already knew.
“Jade?” It was like she begged me to tell her it wasn’t true, that she’d assumed the wrong thing. But I couldn’t. And the moment she realized I wouldn’t give her the words she desperately needed, she fell into the wall with her shoulder before sliding to the floor, distressing cries flooding the house.
I ran to her, worried she’d injured her hip again. Setting Aria on her feet, I kneeled next to my mother, who grabbed me and pulled me into her chest. Aria had no idea what was going on, but the chaos was enough to frighten her. Screaming in fear, she clung to me, until I pulled her closer and brought her into her grandmother’s embrace. My mom took one look at her, then swung her questioning stare back to me, but rather than make me answer, she simply touched my face and cried, “I’m so sorry. So, so sorry.”
After six years, that was all I needed to hear her say.