The Roommate 'dis'Agreement

Beneath her name, she included a phone number.

I’d passed on so many women over the last few weeks that I wasn’t sure I’d ever find someone to live with. I wasn’t picky, I just knew what I was looking for. I didn’t need someone to cuddle at night, but I did hope to find someone I could spend time with. I needed conversation, companionship, someone to sit on the couch with and watch movies. I didn’t think that was too much to ask, but I hadn’t taken into consideration how many weird people were in the world.

The good part about my job was my access to personal information. Most of the time, I could tell by the initial inquiry if it was legitimate or not. Those that fit the bill were easy-screened, meaning I pulled up basic information to determine if I was interested in moving forward with the process. It wasn’t detailed, but it was enough to tell me if they were real or not. When I pulled up Jade’s, I was surprised to see that she’d given me correct information. That’s when I decided to send her the full questionnaire to be able to dig a little deeper. I made sure to stay above the line, so as not to be flagged for running multiple background checks on random women. In my line of work, someone would question it. And still, she came back clean.

I tapped on her number, highlighted in blue, and pressed the option to send a text.

Me: Jade?

Her response was almost immediate.

Jade: Yes…who’s this?

Me: Sorry, this is Cash.

Jade: Oh, hi

Me: I didn’t wake you, did I?

I laughed at myself, knowing full well I hadn’t. She’d just sent me an email less than two minutes ago. But I wasn’t sure what to say, and that was the first thing that came to mind. Oddly, this reminded me of dating, and it made me a tad uneasy. But I had to see it through if I had any hope of not living alone forever, so I went with it.

Jade: No

I typed a few things, but deleted them when I realized how forced it felt. Figuring I’d leave it alone for the night and try again tomorrow, I closed out the message app and grabbed the remote. About two minutes later, my phone chirped with an incoming text. I nearly jumped when it vibrated on my chest.

Jade: Were you just checking to see if I stay up late? If so, I usually don’t.

Jade: I was out late tonight to give my roommate time alone with her bf.

Jade: If you weren’t, then I just gave you information you probably don’t care about.

Every time I started to reply, another message had come through. By the last one, a laugh had actually blown past my lips in a burst of air. What surprised me even more, was the smile curling my lips. It’d been a long time since someone other than the guys on my team had been able to give me this kind of reaction.

Me: LOL. Actually, I’m not sure why I texted you. You said you don’t check your emails, so I reached out this way, but then I didn’t have a clue what to say. Although, I’ve gotta admit, I’m a little sad that you go to bed early. I’m a bit of a night owl. One of the reasons I went looking for a roommate was bc I miss having someone to talk to at night.

Wow, Cash, way to look pathetic.

After a few minutes without a response, I thought she’d given up and deleted my number—or blocked it—so I set it down and went back to flipping through the channels. But then, over five minutes after I’d sent mine, a text came through.

Jade: I’d prob die of boredom if I suddenly found myself alone.

Jade: And sorry this is taking so long, I have an extremely outdated phone and typing is a PITB, and your text came out of order so it took a min to understand what it said LOL

I stared at her words and laughed, enjoying the rumbles it sent through my chest.

Me: What’s PITB???

I worried the age difference had left me confused on her acronyms.

Jade: Pain in the butt.

Then I laughed…hard.

Me: No worries.

This time, ten minutes had passed without a response, not that one was necessarily needed, but I wasn’t ready for the conversation to end. Rather than send another message, I hit the call button and listened to it ring. I immediately wanted to hang up, but I wasn’t given enough time before she answered. It was too late to back out now.

It was strange. She picked up after only one ring, but she didn’t speak. There was some rustling on the other end of the line, then a low creak that could’ve been a door, before she said, “Hello?” almost sounding out of breath.

The first image that came to mind was Colleen, and I couldn’t help but wonder once again how many times she’d taken calls while I slept next to her. I attempted to shake off the thought, but it wasn’t so easy.

“Jade?” I couldn’t keep the deep, raspy trepidation out of her name. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” It was breathy, like she’d just hopped off a treadmill. “Why?”

“It just sounded like I caught you at a bad time or something.”

“Oh, no. You didn’t. I mean, I just rescued a baby from a well, thwarted a bank robbery, and saved an old lady from getting hit by a train. But that’s nothing new. Now I’m taking a break, so your call came at the perfect time.” There was a hint of a smile in her words, and it was enough to wipe away any thoughts I’d had of my ex.

“Wow, all that happened at eleven o’clock at night? How do you ever get any sleep?” Once upon a time, I was a funny guy. Apparently, having a front-row seat to your wife’s infidelity kills any chance of humor in your life. This fact was proven by my lame attempt to crack a joke.

Either Jade was a really good person who didn’t want to hurt my feelings, or she was sleep deprived, because she laughed. “Red Bull. And cocaine.” She paused, and then blurted out, “Oh my God, I was totally kidding. I don’t do drugs…of any kind. Which is why saying I do coke was funny. But you don’t know me, so you don’t know that I don’t do drugs, so my joke was lost on you, and I just made myself look totally stupid, and—”

“Jade,” I repeated for what felt like the fifth time. But at least it worked. She finally stopped talking long enough to let me speak. “It was funny. I actually laughed.” A nervous sigh filled the line, and then a horn honked in the background. “Are you outside?”

“Yeah, my roommate’s in bed and the walls are thin. The TV is off, so I was scared I’d wake her. What’s up? Did you call to find out if I was awake, or do you only do that in texts?”

I hadn’t realized until now, talking to her on the phone, how much I had missed simple conversations. Sure, we fuck with each other on the job and get a good laugh out of it, but there’s something to be said about the easiness in talking to Jade. I really hoped this worked out with her, because I could tell having her as a roommate would be entertaining and enjoyable.

“Well, you kinda went silent on me with the texts, so I thought you might’ve fallen asleep.”

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