“She’s on her way to New York. She’s coming to see you after breakfast.” Alex grinned broadly and bounded out of bed.
“I want to wear my new dress,” she said, diving into her closet and emerging with a soft pink velvet dress and black patent leather shoes she’d bought on a shopping trip with Pattie. She brushed her long dark hair until it shone, washed her face, and put on the new dress and shoes. She was ready by nine in the morning, too excited to eat breakfast, and sat in the living room, waiting for her mother. She never moved from the spot, and Carmen showed up at noon, prettier than ever in jeans, a tight tee shirt, a black leather jacket, and high heels. Eric opened the door to her, and saw that there was a man standing behind her. He looked seedy and nervous and told Carmen he’d wait for her in the car. He seemed uncomfortable as soon as he saw Eric, and never met his eyes. He appeared to be about twenty-five years old, at most. And Eric felt like their grandfather as he ushered Carmen inside. He didn’t say that Alex had been waiting for her for two hours, but he was annoyed that she wasn’t on time.
Alex jumped to her feet the moment she heard her, barreled through the living room, threw her arms around her mother, and gazed up into Carmen’s face, expecting to find everything there that she had felt herself for the past year. Carmen was as uncomfortable as her boyfriend had been, and out of place in the formal living room that had been her home for eight years. She looked almost like a lost teenager now.
“Wow! You’ve gotten so tall!” she said, as Alex held her tight around her waist, and Carmen slowly put her arms around her, as though she were a stranger and not her child. “Let me see you,” she said, as she pulled away. “You’re still beautiful,” she said, smiling at her daughter.
“So are you,” Alex said with awe. She had forgotten how striking her mother was, and how young.
Eric offered food and drink, and Carmen declined. “I just had breakfast, and we have to get on the road soon. Vince has to be in New York by six o’clock.”
“Who’s Vince?” Alex asked, as her face fell at the news that her mother was leaving soon, after so long. It was a five-hour drive to New York. Eric knew from what she said that they couldn’t stay for more than an hour. Alex seemed crushed.
“He’s my boyfriend. He’s an actor and a dancer. We’re going to California together. He has connections there,” all of which meant nothing to Alex, but told Eric that she was still chasing rainbows and as rootless as ever.
“What are you going to do in California?” Alex asked, her huge eyes drinking her in, so she could remember every detail after she left.
“Maybe I’ll be in a movie.” Carmen grinned at her. “Then you can see me on the screen.”
“I’d rather see you in real life,” Alex said sadly, and there was silence in the room. Eric left them alone, but was nearby in the kitchen, in case Alex needed him. “I missed you,” Alex added, and Carmen didn’t say anything for a minute.
“I missed you too. But Vegas was a lot of fun.” It was everything Alex didn’t care about or want to hear. She wanted to know that her mother had thought of her all the time, which was clearly not the case.
“Are you doing well in school?” Carmen didn’t know what to say, and didn’t notice the new dress and shoes, or that Alex had dressed up for her.
The visit went by awkwardly, and before the hour was over, Carmen stood up and said she had to go and that it was nice seeing her, as though they were old friends. When Eric heard the front door open, he emerged from the kitchen to say goodbye. And all he could see was his daughter’s devastated face as her mother was leaving. She threw her arms around her waist one last time at the door, until Carmen squirmed free, kissed the top of her head, and said she had to go. A moment later she was gone, as Alex shouted “I love you!” after her, just before the front door closed. There was no response, and they heard the car drive away seconds later, as Alex began to sob and melted into her father’s arms. He led her to the couch and they sat down, as he held her and she cried. It nearly broke his heart, and for the first time he genuinely hated his ex-wife for what she was doing to their child, inflicting wounds he couldn’t heal that were bound to leave scars forever, while Carmen callously pursued her own life, with total disregard for anyone else. It would ring in Eric’s ears forever that Alex had called after her “I love you!” at the front door, and Carmen didn’t answer. She just waved without looking back and ran to the car where her boyfriend was waiting.
“She didn’t say when she’d come back,” Alex sobbed, or say that she loved her, he wanted to add but didn’t.
“I don’t think she ever knows her plans,” he said, fumbling for words of comfort he couldn’t find instead of the hatred he was feeling for Carmen. “She was happy to see you, though,” he said lamely.
“Why couldn’t she stay longer?” It was a sad wail.
“She had to get to New York.”
It took Alex hours to calm down after the visit, and weeks to get over the pain it had caused her. Even more than when Carmen had left them, Alex felt abandoned by her mother. She was older now, more aware, and felt it more acutely. Carmen vanished into the mists again without a word. There was no phone call to say how much she had loved seeing her, nor was there a promise to return.
A month later, she sent Eric her address in L.A., for him to send her monthly checks, but Alex didn’t hear from her again.
Six months later, Eric got a call at midnight from someone who said he was a friend of Vince. He said they’d been in an accident on the freeway, were hit by a drunk driver, and Carmen and Vince had both been killed. He thought Eric should know, but didn’t have any more details.
Eric sat for an hour afterward, staring into space, trying to feel something for her, but he didn’t. All he could think of was Alex. Her mother had been so agonizingly insufficient, and now she was dead. It brought finality to it, but Alex was too young to lose her mother at nine. In truth, she had never really had her, and Carmen had left them for good almost two years before, and Alex had only seen her once since.