By the time I had washed and dried the dishes, his outburst had come to an end. A one-sided argument could only last so long, particularly when the object of your frustrations remained unresponsive. Slowly I felt the fog in my brain clear, and I dried my hands before taking a seat at the kitchen table. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I know I’ve put you through a lot. I won’t go behind your back again.’
Alex sagged in the chair, his energy spent. ‘When you didn’t answer the phone at the shop I thought the worst.’ He took a deep breath, his face carrying some extra worry lines that weren’t there before. ‘What’s going to happen when we go to Leeds? I mean, sure, we can move away, but are we still going to have a marriage at the end of all this?’
Tears pricked my eyes, real emotion finally worming its way into my heart. ‘Please, Alex, don’t say that. I thought I could meet Noelle and ask her if she’d heard from him. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. It’s driving me mad, not knowing if he’s dead or alive, if everything that’s happening is down to him, or if I’m slowly losing my mind.’ My chin wobbled as I spoke, and I wiped a tear from the corner of my eye. ‘It’s killing me inside.’
Alex’s head hung low on his shoulders, and when he raised it to meet mine, all traces of anger had dissipated. ‘You can’t afford to draw attention to yourself. Leave it to me. I’ve been working in the background, making enquiries.’ He spoke slowly and carefully, as if he was talking to a four-year-old child.
I nodded, grateful that he was taking control. My head was swimming in confusion and I no longer felt like I could make the right decision for myself. I grabbed his shirt sleeve, hating myself for being so needy. ‘Please don’t leave me. I don’t want to be here on my own.’
‘Of course I’m not going to leave you,’ he said, leaning over to place his hands on mine. ‘But you have to let me sort this out. Did his sister mention when she last saw him?’
I shook my head. ‘Not since before I . . . before what happened in the paddock. Her family have broken all contact. Her mum is very unwell. Noelle seems to think that further contact from Luke could finish her off. She said he’s caused the family nothing but heartbreak over the years.’
‘Then it’s all the more reason for you to be careful. First Jamie and now this . . . Don’t go stirring things up.’
I rose from my chair, my situation becoming grimmer by the minute. ‘I’m going to peep in on Jamie,’ I said, feeling like I was carrying the whole world on my shoulders.
CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT
EMMA
2003
The antiseptic tang that assailed my nostrils told me I was not at home any more. I tried to bring my vision into focus as I blinked. My chest was tight and I felt like someone had poured a bag of grit into my eyes and throat. A warm hand squeezed mine and for a second my heart fluttered as I wondered if Luke had come to my rescue after all. The last thing I remembered was being dragged out of my smoking house by a pair of strong hands, and it made me melt to know he cared after all.
‘Hey, are you OK?’ Theresa said, and I rubbed my eyes, disappointment bringing instant tears as I realised that Luke was not there.
‘Shh, don’t try to talk,’ she soothed, squeezing my hand. ‘You’re lucky to be alive. You gave us an awful fright.’
My eyes grew wide as I looked around the hospital room. A curtain shielded my bed. On the locker beside me were a bunch of carnations and a punnet of grapes.
‘Dad’s in the men’s ward. He dragged you out of the fire. It’s not done his lungs much good.’
I groaned. How could I have been so selfish? Why hadn’t I just taken some pills instead of the need for all the drama? I knew why. Because I still thought Luke would come to save me, and the flames would light up the sky like a beacon.
‘Luke,’ I croaked, forgetting my promise to keep quiet about us.
‘Oh, babe,’ Theresa said, ‘I know. Everyone does. It’s all come out.’
I licked my dry cracked lips as I tried to force out the words, feeling grateful that the sorest part of my body were my lungs and throat. I could have been scarred for life. How could I have been so stupid?
‘Shh, just listen,’ Theresa said, looking as if she had not slept all night. Devoid of make-up, her face was pale and gaunt, her unwashed blonde hair scraped back into a ponytail. ‘You’re not in any trouble, but the police are waiting to speak to you. I don’t want you to get a fright when they turn up.’
‘Police?’ I croaked, fear spearing my heart. Had something happened to Luke? I imagined him rushing over to save me, a car accident maybe. Had he been killed? Had the police found my texts on his phone? I bit my lip as a wave of anxiety threatened to engulf me.
‘It’s OK. It’s all been sorted. You should have spoken to me. I know I’ve not been about lately, but I’m only at the end of the phone.’ She glanced through the crack in the curtain before lowering her voice. ‘They need to serve you with a harassment warning. Luke went to the police about it when he heard you were in hospital. He said you’ve been stalking him for months. I spoke to him on the phone. He said he’s sorry it’s gone this far but he had to report it to the police to stop you hurting yourself again.’
‘But he . . .’ I took a painful breath, barely able to believe her words. ‘He kissed me . . .’
Theresa’s gaze fell to the floor. She didn’t believe me. ‘I know things have been tough since Mum went, but I thought you were feeling better about things. Dad said that you were improving. I had no idea that all this stuff was going on.’ She sighed, quickly checking her phone before sliding it back in her pocket. ‘You were lucky. That white spirit you used – Dad bought it from one of his cronies in the pub when he was redecorating the house but he was going to throw it out because it was so watered down.’
I tried to swallow, my throat tight from breathing in the fumes. How much worse would I have been if it were full strength? But then again, I wouldn’t be here at all. Tears pricked my eyes as I tried to come to terms with Luke’s betrayal. He had only just called the police, which meant he was covering his back; he had no intention of saving me at all.
Oblivious to the reasons behind my distress, Theresa kept talking. ‘There’s a bit of fire damage to the house but nothing that can’t be fixed. The best thing you can do is to accept the warning and say no more. Luke said he’s willing to forget about things if you are, wipe the slate clean, although you won’t be in his class any more.’ She gave my hand another squeeze. ‘We’re going to get you some counselling. I know you’ve not been eating properly. But we’ll sort it. Everything’s going to be fine.’ She let go of my hand to pick up a cardboard gift bag that had been on the floor. ‘Here, I got you a present,’ she said, pulling a Steiff collectable teddy bear from its tissue-paper wrapping.
‘Thanks,’ I said, stroking its fur. I had stopped collecting teddies at the age of eleven. With an aching sense of loneliness I realised that I couldn’t confide in my sister about Luke now even if I wanted to. Theresa was a stranger to me. She didn’t know me at all.
CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE
ALEX
2017
My flesh crawled as Theresa’s text came through.
See you in one hour.
I replied with the thumbs up emoji, not trusting myself to say any more. It was one o’clock in the morning, and I tried to understand Theresa’s reasoning for meeting at this hour. After being made aware of Emma’s encounter with Luke’s sister, she had insisted we bring forward the dig to tonight. I suppressed a shudder. The place gave me the creeps during the day, God knows what it was going to be like down there at night. I gently shook Emma by the shoulder, not willing to slip away without making her aware.
‘Emma,’ I bent over, my lips close to her ear. The last thing I wanted was to wake Jamie as he slept. My son and I had eaten our supper just the two of us, me wondering if this is what it would be like should our marriage come to an end. Taking Jamie at weekends, while Emma had him weekdays. In my eyes, it was a fractured upbringing; he deserved so much more.