Yeah, right.
So when your reputation becomes the girl who can’t put out, you sort of just give up hope. Anyone who dared to challenge me would end up facing my father. Even into my twenties, it was sort of pathetic.
Now, it was like I was too old.
“She’s just waiting for the right one,” Ashley said. “You’re drunk, Megan. Just let it go.”
“At this point, just bang it out,” Megan said. “You know? Guys are going to be afraid of you, Belle.”
“Wow. Thanks for that.”
“Sorry, but it’s true. I mean, you always remember your first.”
“I wish I didn’t,” Ashley said.
“You say that, but it’s a lie,” Megan said. “Of course our first time is usually with the wrong guy. Everything goes wrong. Nothing feels right. We think we’re in love. It’s how it’s supposed to be.”
“So I’m a freak,” I said.
“No…”
“You’re an asshole, Megan,” I snapped.
Megan gasped.
“Easy,” Ashley said. “Just drop the subject.”
That was impossible. It was always the topic of choice. Like everyone was watching and waiting for me to get fucked. Even there at Ashley’s house she rented with her fiancé Brett, all the guys knew I was a virgin.
And, yeah, maybe it was a big deal to me. What was I going to do? Just open my legs and say come n’ get it to some guy who had slept with a hundred women?
“I’m just saying you could just do it,” Megan said. “Don’t even tell the guy. Get drunk, pick a cute guy, and have at it. Then it’s out of the way. I know you think about it. I know your dad is a pain in the ass. But not anymore, Belle. You’re on your own now.”
I felt the emotion creep up my throat. Two glasses of vodka sort of made it hard to control my emotions.
I teared up and all the girls tried to touch me. Their ooohhh’s and aawww’s were so fake.
“Just stop talking about it,” I said and pushed through them.
I went outside on the back deck, alone, the night cast against a starry sky.
See, maybe a night like tonight would be right. A cool evening. A gentle breeze. Stars all around.
Or maybe it was all my fault and all in my head. I grew up turning to movies and TV shows to raise me. My father worked all the time. When he came home he was tired and mean. He drank a lot, telling me it was the only thing that chased away the job. I never got to have personal talks with someone, ever. The first time I got my period I was wiping after using the bathroom and I thought I had hurt myself. My father tried to talk me through that but it wasn’t what it should have been.
And my mother had been taken because of my father’s job.
So it was the vicious cycle that was on a constant repeat in my life.
Even there, standing on that deck. I should have had a boyfriend with me. Someone to hold me, kiss me, flirt with me. Maybe someone wild enough to shut the door and curtains and start to fool around right there outside.
I swallowed hard and felt my body tingling. I was at that point in my life… thinking things and getting turned on.
I hurried to drink the rest of my drink, wanting to chase it all away.
I could have gone inside and got another drink. Then another. Two more. Then it would be a nice dark haze for me. The night would settle and I could end up in the finished basement on the pullout couch.
And then it could just happen.
I heard the door slide open behind me.
I looked back and saw Kyle coming out, beer in hand.
“Hey there,” he said.
Kyle was cute in his own dorky, tech-guy kind of way. He reveled in the fact that he was a dork and that was fine by me. The first thing I did was eye him and wonder what kind of body he had. Did I want to lose my virginity to someone who wasn’t…
Stop, Belle.
“How’s your night?” he asked me.
“It’s a night,” I said. “How’s the poker?”
“Great. I’m cleaning up. They get so pissed when I do. Truth is, I just read them. They all have tells. For example…” Kyle grinned. “You don’t give a damn, do you?”
“No, I don’t,” I said. “But that’s good you’re cleaning up.”
“That’s not why I came here, Belle,” Kyle said.
I watched as he slowly put his beer down. He then slipped behind me, leaving very little space.
“What…”
“Just look forward,” he said.
I don’t know why but I did.
I felt his fingers brush my neck as he moved my hair out of the way.
“Belle, I know your position. I’ve always thought you were beautiful. We could make this work, just so you know. I’m not the kind of guy who is going to make you some conquest. I’m just offering myself to you, like you could to me.”
I was sort of shocked. I had never been propositioned like this before. Honestly, for a split second, I saw it happening. Maybe I could just get on my hands and knees. Or better yet, just do it there, him behind me, right on the desk.
His lips grazed my neck. “Oh, Belle. I’m so hard right now. Can you feel me?”