“A boy!” Lucas shouted, pounding his fist in the air as he paced on the patch of grass outside the hospital. “We're having a boy!” he roared. I could hardly believe it. The scan had been over in a matter of minutes and we had been told we were having one very healthy, very wriggly, baby boy. My face felt like it would split in two, my heart was fluttering like a butterfly. It was really happening. I was carrying a son. My son. My baby boy. It sounded so wonderful.
I watched Lucas literally jumping for joy, laughing as I pictured his big strong arms wrapping our son up safe and warm. I pictured our baby's face, knowing it was only a matter of months before we would meet him. I had never felt so happy in my whole life.
And then, before I understood what was happening, my laughter transformed and I was sobbing, collapsing into the grass, feeling the weight of Lucas's body wrapping itself against mine as he rushed to hold me. I hadn't realised how scared I was, how much tension I had been holding onto until I learned that my baby was safe.
Relief poured out of me now, my sobs carrying away months and years of loss and pain. Making way for something new and fresh and beautiful. Those pregnancies would never, could never, be forgotten. Those babies that never made it would always be a part of me. But now it was time to stop looking backwards. To let the hurting fade. Now I needed to look to my future. I was going to have a son.
Chapter Nine
I smiled to myself as I squatted to check on the chicken roasting in the oven. It had been two days since the scan and I had somehow managed to resist telling Isabel and Bonnie the good news that I was at last pregnant for keeps. Not good news, great news, I thought. No, bloody wonderful, brilliant, stupendous news, in fact.
They knew. Of course they knew! Despite living in baggy t-shirts and oversized jumpers, I'd suspected that Bonnie had seen it from day one, her ever watchful gaze taking in the subtle changes only she would see. Her eyes dull, her face creased with worry, waiting for what by now had become the inevitable. She'd been unable to resist watching me as the weeks had passed. Fidgeting, hinting heavily, visiting daily, ready to offer comfort to me and Lucas when the tides turned, to feel like she was helping in some small way. I was used to the intensity of her caring. The way she smothered me with her love in an attempt to hide her own hurting.
As the pregnancy had progressed however, Bonnie's expression had transformed into one of surprise, mingled with tentative hope. I could sense the flood of unanswered questions desperate to pour from her lips. I knew she was rooting for me, for the child. I knew that she had seen the secret I was hiding even before my own husband had realised the truth.
I would've liked to be able to talk to her, to share how I was feeling, the certainty that this time it was different, but I hadn't found the courage to do it. I didn't want to put words to it, to put any pressure on myself. To have to break their hearts all over again if I was wrong. It was too much responsibility to bear. So I had kept my secret, and to her credit and no doubt Isabel's too, they had resisted the urge to question or congratulate. They knew the ball had to be in my court for this. They had to wait.
I'd kept my secret so well protected, that I'd only made the decision to open up to Lucas on the day of my twelve week scan. To begin with, I had planned to go alone, it felt better not to bring him, to put him through it all over again. But then, something magical had happened which had changed my mind in an instant. It had been tiny, a sensation as delicate as a butterfly's wings, a pop and a flutter. It was the unmistakable movement of something dwelling deep within me. My baby was alive and stretching out, sending me a message that everything was going to be okay. The unexpected stirring had reduced me to tears. Lucas had walked into the bedroom to find me sobbing, laughing, hysterical with the brilliance of it, and finally ready to let him in.
There was a knock on the kitchen door now, and I turned with a smile as Bonnie came in from the garden, kissing me on the cheek. “Hi babe, how are ya?” She pulled up a stool at the breakfast bar as I flicked the kettle on to boil.
“I'm okay,” I smiled, noticing the dark circles beneath my sister's eyes. “You want a cup?”
She shrugged. “I'd prefer something a little stronger.” She gave a smile, but I noticed it didn't quite reach her eyes. For a moment, I didn't move, I simply stared at her, wondering what was different. How long had it been since I had really taken in her appearance? Weeks? Months? God knew I'd been so wrapped up in myself I'd neglected to be there for everyone else, Bonnie included. But now I looked, really looked I was shocked at what I saw. Dark circles beneath her eyes, a defeated slump to shoulders that had always been so strong. Though she had always been slim, I saw now that she had lost even more weight. Her cheeks looked hollow, she was more gaunt than slender. The way she moved gave no evidence of the woman who had once been so alive and full of energy and passion for life. Bonnie was struggling.
“Uh, Rox... do you want me to get the drink?” she asked now, raising her brows quizzically at me. I stepped forward, leaning over the counter and taking her hand, squeezing it tightly.
“What's happened Bon? What's happened to you?” I asked, my voice quiet, urgent. She blinked, and pulled her hand back abruptly, shaking her head.
“I brought beer,” she said in response, opening the drawer and helping herself to a bottle opener.
“Bonnie,” I urged softly, watching as she flipped the shiny metal top off the bottle. It hit the tile with a chink. Neither of us moved to pick it up. She drank deeply, wiped her mouth on the back of her sleeve and looked up at me.
“What do you want me to say?” she asked, meeting my eyes. “I'm fine. Really Sis.”
I shook my head, wondering if she was telling the truth. Everything about her appearance screamed otherwise, but then, surely if something was going on I would know? Isabel would know, and Lucas too, even if I had been too wrapped up in my own problems. “Are you?”
“Yes.”
“You're sure?”
“I'm sure. And I think your potatoes are boiling over.”
“Oh shit!” I rushed over, turning the gas down and moving the pan aside. I turned back to see Bonnie heading down the hall into the living room. I didn't follow.
An hour later my home was buzzing with the chatter of my family. I looked around happily, watching Lucas chatting to Isabel. Bonnie had joined us again and seemed to have cheered up. I decided I was making drama out of nothing. She was probably just tired. A little run down, that was all.
“Dinner's not quite ready,” I called over the noise of the chattering. “Why don't you all head into the living room and make yourselves comfortable in there while I finish up? Here,” I added, pushing a bottle of red into Bonnie's hand. “Take this.”
“You not having a glass with us, Sis?” she asked loudly, her eyes twinkling mischievously.
“Uh, no, not right now,” I replied, feeling my face flush as she scrutinised me. The room went silent and I heard Isabel give a tinkling giggle.
“Any particular reason why not?” Bonnie asked, sounding on the verge of laughter herself. I looked over at Lucas for help, my eyes wide and panicked, and he responded by giving a shrug and a grin.
“Go ahead darling, you may as well spill the beans.”
I looked around the room at the smiling, expectant faces of my siblings. “Well, you've both bloody guessed by now, no doubt, but, yes, I'm pregnant! Twenty weeks. And it's a boy!” I shrieked, overcome with elation now. Bonnie gave a delighted whoop and then all at once, two pairs of arms descended on me and Lucas, distributing hugs, patting my bump, slapping Lucas firmly on the back.
“Well, of course we guessed,” said Bonnie, “but we had no idea it was a boy! Oh you two are going to have a little baby. I'm going to be an Auntie! I'm over the moon for you, really I am!” She wrapped Lucas in a tight hug. I was grinning from ear to ear. How good it felt to finally have some positive news to share. How wonderful to see the happy smiling faces of my sisters after all the heartache that had passed. I felt my son turn and roll within my womb and wrapped my arms around myself, sure I would burst with the joy of it.