The second week however, I had calmed down a little. During one of my endless, insomnia ridden nights, while pacing the living room floor, no doubt wearing holes in the already threadbare carpet, I'd suddenly realised I was making it all so much worse. By acting so manically I was pushing him further away rather than pulling him back to me. I was cementing his decision, proving his concerns that I wasn't strong enough to go through another pregnancy. Another potential loss.
If I was going to have any chance of swaying his decision, I needed to back off for a while. What we needed was fun. Time to laugh and be silly and remember why we fell in love in the first place. We needed to get rid of the stress and just be Roxy and Lucas again. Only, that plan wasn't working so well either. Lucas had hardly been home all week, and on the two nights he had made an appearance, he'd baulked at the idea of spending any time together, convinced that I was up to no good and trying to change his mind again. He'd even refused to watch a martial arts film with me, taking himself off to bed, leaving me feeling rejected and lonely downstairs. I was missing him dreadfully.
Isabel put her mug down on the table and screwed up her face. She looked so young when she did that, I thought, looking at her. It was hard to believe that she was a grown up now, in a serious grown up job. But social work suited her. Though Isabel had a tendency towards fretting and anxiety in her personal life, caring for others was meditation to her. She remained a workaholic long after our mothers death, and now I believed it would always be a big part of who she was. She couldn't help it. She loved nothing more than taking on a massive, difficult case, and finding a solution.
Where some people would have gossiped about the children they met, their unfortunate circumstances and the abuse they had suffered, Isabel never had. She treated each and every one of them with respect, reverence even, and held their secrets just as tightly as she kept her own. She loved her work, and I knew she thought of it as a blissful release from her own worries. As great as she was with strangers' issues though, she hated to be brought into family squabbles. Being put smack bang in the middle of my marital troubles was nothing short of a nightmare for her, and I could see that the situation was making her uncomfortable.
“I don't know what to say,” she said softly now. “There doesn't seem to be a right answer, does there?”
I felt my eyes begin to sting as tears prickled beneath my lashes, and shook my head, swallowing thickly. “I just want a baby so badly Issy. I want it so much I can barely breathe.”
“I know. I know you do sweetie.” Isabel moved to sit on the arm of my chair and put an arm around me. We sat silently for a while, Isabel rubbing soothing circles on my back.
A sudden commotion from the opposite end of the house made us both jump up. I wiped my eyes hurriedly as the two of us rushed towards the banging, shrieking noises. We entered the kitchen to find Bonnie along with two very good looking men and a girl around Bonnie's age, holding on to each other and laughing uncontrollably. The men broke free, one swinging a bag which clinked with glass bottles up onto the kitchen side. “Bonnie Cormack!” shrieked Isabel! “What on earth is going on? You're wasted!”
Bonnie, smiling like a Cheshire cat danced her way over to Isabel and I and pulled us both into a hug. “I'm not wasted! Plenty of time to get there though,” she giggled. “It's Rex's birthday,” she said, pointing towards the taller of the two men. He bowed in their direction on hearing his name, which made both Bonnie and the other girl break into peals of laughter, both offering deep courtesies in return.
Bonnie turned back to Isabel, grinning. “We're celebrating. Have a drink with us.” The other man pulled several bottles of vodka from the bag and started pouring generous glugs into glasses on the counter. “This is Laura and Mike,” Bonnie gestured, picking up two of the glasses and holding them out to Isabel and I, who both turned to look at each other with expressions of amusement. Bonnie was hilarious after a few drinks.
I gave an exaggerated shrug towards Isabel. “Well, why the hell not? It's not as if I'm pregnant, is it?” I said, my voice hitching as I took the glass and downed the heady beverage in one.
“Atta girl,” Bonnie grinned, pushing the other glass into my hand and turning back to her friends. She hadn't seemed to pick up on the sadness behind my words. I watched her go, feeling a little unsettled. Bonnie always read between the lines. Isabel took my arm, her face creased in worry.
“Roxy? Should you, I mean... Is this a good idea?”
I shook my head. “Don't worry Isabel. It's okay honey. It is,” I said, giving her a genuine smile. “Come on. If there's going to be a party, we may as well join in.” Isabel chewed at her bottom lip for a moment, unmoving as she tried to work out what to do. “Please?” I said. “I need to have fun. I need this. I promise, I'll be okay.” I held out the drink to her.
Isabel gave a short nod and took the glass. “If I'm sick tomorrow, you're getting the blame, you bad influence!” she smiled. Then she threw her head back, swallowing the burning alcohol in one go.
I couldn't remember the last time I'd had so much fun. There was music playing, someone had poured me a glass of wine, which I far preferred to the gluey taste of the vodka, and I was laughing until my ribs hurt with my sisters. Bonnie was dancing barefoot around the room, swaying between Rex and Mike who from the look of it were both equally besotted with her. I couldn't blame them, she was utterly magnetic. She'd always been able to captivate, to draw people into her little bubble. She oozed with a certain energy you just couldn't put your finger on, but it was undeniably there. Everyone loved Bonnie.
Her friend, Laura, was telling me and Isabel a story about an audition she'd had for the part of Mary Poppins for an amateur stage production, complete with impressions which had all three of us rolling around in fits of laughter. We were breathless with giggles as Laura exclaimed indignantly that she hadn't even had a call back. “Unbelievable,” Isabel choked through a mouthful of lager. “You were robbed!”
I smiled around the room feeling relaxed and happy. It was somewhat unsettling to realise how long it had been since I had just laughed with my sisters. A gentle tapping at the window caught my attention and I looked up to see Lucas looking in at us. I gave a wave, smiling and gesturing for him to come inside, and then felt the nerves begin to bubble in my stomach again at the thought of being close to my husband. I didn't want to spoil tonight. I didn't want to argue.
Lucas strode into the room, his expression unreadable. “So here you are, you little runaway,” he said. “I thought as much.” He took a beer from Bonnie's proffered hand, casting his eyes around the room. “I wasn't expecting a party though.”
“Birthday party!” slurred Bonnie, heading over to change the music from dance to reggae.
“So I see,” Lucas said, his eyes on me, questioning and uncertain.
“You don't mind do you?” I asked, getting to my feet. “It's just, well, Bonnie said... I just wanted to have a bit of fun,” I shrugged, aware that my speech was slurring a little. His mouth twitched, a smile tugging at its corners.
“Do you know how wonderful it was watching you through the window just then?” he asked softly, so only I could hear. He took my hand, pulling me closer to him. “I can't remember the last time I saw you laughing like that.” He leaned down, his eyes on mine, deep pools of rich melting chocolate, and I felt my stomach jolt. This was my Lucas, the man I knew. The man who had swept me off my feet all those years back, and somehow managed to keep me there. He stroked my hair back from my face, his fingertips cool against my skin. “Of course I don't mind.” He leaned down and kissed me and I melted into him without hesitation.
“Oh get a room!” Isabel laughed merrily.
Lucas lifted his head to look up at his sister-in-law with a grin. “I'll take a dance instead,” he winked.