“Yeah, we were both wrecks.” I loved that she could say Brian’s name now without crying. Losing her boyfriend in a horrific car crash had shut her down in every way possible, and I had Wilder to thank for her progress. One more check mark in his pro column.
She reached over and took my hand with a gentle squeeze. “I was a wreck. You were distant, cold to everyone in the world but me, but you held yourself together. You held me together for those first months at Dartmouth and then helped me figure out how to live again.”
“Leah…” I never had words when she said stuff like that. She’d been so wounded then, barely surviving, and now here she was a hell of a lot more stable than I was.
“You were so busy taking care of me and my grief that you didn’t give yourself time to process yours. Between classes and moving and, well…me, you threw all you had into everything but dealing with losing Landon.”
I crossed my arms in front of my chest like they could fend off her truths.
“Don’t get all defensive,” she chided. “You’re amazing, and stronger than I ever could be. I just think that maybe there’s more going on than you’re willing to clue me in on—or maybe admit to yourself. You’d never even told me his name, or what happened, and we’ve lived together for over two years. All I knew was that a guy broke your heart the same day you broke your wrist, and he wasn’t up for discussion.”
I looked out at the Arabian Sea, watching the waves crest as we cut through the water, and tried to let her words sink in. Was she right? Sure, I’d thrown everything Landon-related into a heartbreak-proof box and shoved it so deep I couldn’t even find the thing, but that didn’t mean I’d never gotten over him. Did it?
“I probably should have talked to you about him. But you had so much on your shoulders then, you didn’t need my issues weighing on you, too. Maybe I used you to hide from my own shit. And maybe I liked that he was blocked out of every aspect of my life at Dartmouth, almost as if another person had loved him,” I admitted. Taking a breath to steady my nerves, I chose to rip the scab off and open myself to Leah the way she had done countless times. “What makes this almost unbearable is that I see him, and the memories come crashing back. I hear his voice, and I remember every conversation. But if I think about it, really give myself a moment, then it’s just this giant vat of pain and embarrassment.”
“Embarrassment?”
I laughed, and it wasn’t pretty. “How much has Wilder told you?”
“He just gave me a general overview of what happened, and then told me he forced Landon to choose between you and the Renegades.”
My stomach fell. “And Landon chose them. Eventually.”
“I’m so sorry.”
I waved her off. “Don’t be. I learned to depend on myself, to guard my heart, and I met you. Landon and I…well, we’re both better off for what he did.” My voice trailed off, as if I couldn’t tell the lie at full volume.
“You’re not, and I know he’s not.”
“What do you mean?” I abandoned the fry that was halfway to my mouth and looked longingly at the cheeseburger. I was so hungry that I was going to have to talk with my mouth full soon if Leah insisted on keeping this conversation going.
“Pax told me that Landon’s been a miserable asshole since he came back. That he was unfocused, and then started to fill the void…” She blushed.
“There’s a reason they call me the curse. And don’t worry, I know exactly how he filled that void.” Landon was well known in the extreme sports community, and my father hadn’t kept his Casanova reputation from me. He called it “congratulating me on dodging a bullet.” I called it rubbing salt in an already gaping wound.
I was apparently easily replaceable by any woman with a heartbeat and two legs.
“They call you a curse?” she asked.
I sneaked a fry and nodded. “Yep,” I said after I swallowed. “He fucked up every trick the first six months he was back, and the next thing I know there’s a blogger calling it ‘the curse of Rachel.’ Awesome, right? Even better knowing he’d pulled the quote directly from a Renegade.”
“Which one?”
“Penna.”
“Penna? But she’s so sweet!”
“Until you screw with her family. Then she hates you forever and ever. Anyway, Wilder doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Landon didn’t just get over me, he jumped, hurtled, warp-sped over me.”
“That’s not what Pax says,” she insisted.
“What do I say?” Wilder asked from behind us.
Kill me now. I turned slowly, mentally preparing myself for humiliation. The last thing I needed was Wilder telling me— Fuck my life. Landon was coming up behind him.
I spun so fast the ends of my hair smacked me in the face.
“Oh, nothing you need to worry about,” Leah insisted as Wilder took the seat next to her, which left the seat next to me open to—
“You have got to be kidding me,” I muttered as Landon sat down next to me, an identical cheeseburger on his tray.
I pushed away from the table. This was why I’d eaten in our suite since I’d gotten here. The ship was too damn small to avoid him everywhere. Hell, maybe the earth was too small.
“Rachel, please don’t,” Landon said softly, his fingers lightly wrapping around my wrist.
That zing of current I only ever felt with him zipped up my arm, and I yanked away.
“Whoa,” Leah said as she caught the edge of my tray.
“Sorry.” I righted the tray, saving my quickly cooling cheeseburger.
“Rachel, we need you,” Wilder said quickly and quietly.
“What? Why?” I asked, locking my gaze onto him. He was safe. He didn’t send my hormones skyrocketing or turn me into a puddle of gullible goo.
“Because you haven’t signed the media waiver,” Landon answered.
God, even his voice, that deep velvet timbre, sent little chills over me. I crossed my arms so he couldn’t see the gooseflesh and kept my eyes on Wilder. “So what?”
“Since you haven’t signed it, they won’t bother filming us at lunch—they can’t use any of the footage you’re in until you sign it. We really need to discuss a few things, and unless we want to have the conversation in the bathroom, we can’t escape those damn cameras.” He motioned behind me.
I pulled my best not-too-obvious turn and saw Bobby with a cameraman shifting his weight from foot to foot across the room. “So you need to use me as a shield.”
“I’m getting sick of seeing them everywhere, Pax,” Leah whispered.
“I know. Do you want to eat in your suite?” he offered.
“No, I’d like to come down from the ivory tower every once in a while,” she said, shuffling her fries on her plate.
Guilt stabbed me in the chest. I’d been so selfishly concerned with running into Landon that I hadn’t thought of how this documentary had to be affecting my very shy friend. “I’ll stay. For her,” I clarified. “Not you.”
“Not me?” Landon asked.
“On the condition that he doesn’t speak to me,” I told Wilder. Sitting this close to Landon was hard enough. I wasn’t sure I could handle a full conversation without either throwing my food in his face or breaking down completely and begging for an explanation. Neither option appealed to me.