Hopeless (Chestnut Springs, #5)
Elsie Silver
For every single reader (and there are a
lot of you) who has messaged, emailed, or
commented begging for Beau’s book.
This one’s for you.
Reader Note
This book contains discussions of alcoholism, PTSD, and skin grafting/burns. It is my hope that I’ve handled these topics with the care they deserve.
1
Beau
I thought pissing my brother off and storming away would make me feel something.
I was wrong.
Even acting like a raging dick when I’m supposed to help a family friend move into their new house feels … bland.
As I walk down the main drag in Chestnut Springs, my fingers curl into my palms, nails digging against skin.
I don’t feel that either.
I only feel tired.
But not tired enough to sleep.
A train horn blares, and I freeze in place. For years, I’ve covered the way loud noises startle me, but it’s different this time.
You’d expect me to choose either fight or flight, but these days I brace.
Pause.
Wait for any emotion to hit. Fear, anxiety, disappointment.
But these days, I feel nothing.
I pivot on the corner of Rosewood and Elm to watch the train puff past. Chugging along. Back and forth. Point A to point B. Load. Unload. Wait overnight. Start over again.
“I am a train,” I murmur as I stare at the wheels crushing against the tracks.
I work all day on the ranch because I’m supposed to. I go through the motions. And I hate every second of it.
A woman pushes a baby in a stroller past me and shoots me a confused look. Her expression changes to surprise when she recognizes me. We might have attended high school together, but the same is true for anyone in this town born within a few years of each other.
“Oh, Beau! Sorry, didn’t recognize you for a second there.”
Probably because I haven’t cut my hair in months.
I don’t remember her name, so I plaster on a smile. “Not to worry. I’m blocking the crosswalk, aren’t I? Here … ” My arm stretches out to press the crossing button for her.
The woman I can’t remember shoots me a grateful grin, hefting a bag up on her shoulder while trying to keep hold of the stroller overflowing with an unnecessary amount of stuff. “Thanks! Nice to see you out and about. You had all of Chestnut Springs worried for a couple of weeks.”
My cheek twitches under the strain of keeping my mouth upturned. Yes, I was JTF2, Canada’s elite special ops force. Yes, I knowingly missed our transport out to save a prisoner of war. Yes, I was missing in action for weeks and was in rough shape when they found me.
I’m still in rough shape.
People love to talk about it.
You gave us quite a scare.
Try to catch your ride out next time, eh?
I bet you’re loving all this attention.
It’s when they think I’m not listening that the comments become less tongue-in-cheek and more dagger-in-back.
He looks like he’s gonna flip out any second.
Even the therapist couldn’t fix him.
What I call stupid, he calls heroic.
I know they all mean well, but the way they express their interest bugs me. Like my getting stuck in enemy territory on deployment has a single fucking thing to do with them. Like I scared people on purpose or just casually decided not to pick up a phone. Civilians can’t fathom the shit I’ve seen, the decisions I’ve been forced to make.
So I ignore them.
“Gotta love the small-town support,” is what I say, because I can’t say what I really think. Being the real me—the new me—would just make people uncomfortable.
“Well, you’ve got it in spades.” With a kind nod, she turns and crosses the street.
I blink away, not wanting to follow her but not knowing where I’m going either. The opposite direction, I think.
Which is when my eyes land on The Railspur, the best bar in Chestnut Springs.
It doesn’t matter that the sky is blue, and the sun is out on a beautiful summer afternoon. It doesn’t matter that I pissed my brother Rhett off. It doesn’t matter that a friend needs my help unloading furniture a couple of blocks away.
At this moment, the town bar looks like a damn good hole to hide in.
And a drink doesn’t sound too bad either.
“Gary, if you don’t slow down, I’m going to take your keys away.”
The ruddy-faced older man scoffs at Bailey’s warning as I pull up a stool a few down from him. I turn it so one elbow rests on the bar and I’m facing the door. It may be just another small-town bar, but the extensive updates give it an elevated sort of vibe that I like. Western decor fills the space, a wagon wheel chandelier hangs over polished wood floors, and mason jar glassware lends a rustic feel.
“Don’t know when you got so lippy,” he grumbles, dropping his pint glass away from his mouth. “You barely used to talk to anyone. Now you’re bossing me around like a little tyrant all the time.”
Shiny, almost-black hair swishes over Bailey Jansen’s tanned shoulders. Her back is to us as she bends down to pull glasses out of the small washing machine behind the bar.
“Got comfortable, I guess. And you could use some bossing, old man. Sitting here, harassing me every day.”
“I do no such thing. I’m perfectly nice to you. One of the few who is, I reckon.”
She spins now, white towel in hand, to point at her only customer in the quiet bar. “You are. And I consider you a friend, which is why I tell you every day you drink too damn much.”
Her gaze snaps to mine, dark eyes widening in surprise, like she didn’t hear me arrive over the country music and hum of the dishwasher.
“If I stop, you’ll be out of work. And maybe even a friend.”
Gary is talking to her like he hasn’t noticed my presence, but she responds to him without looking away from me. “I can live with that, Gar.” She pauses, tongue darting out over parted lips.
Full, glossy lips.
“Beau Eaton. Nice to see you.”
The man turns, now alerted to my presence. “Well shit, that is Beau Eaton, isn’t it? Big fella, aren’t you?” Gary slurs, and Bailey’s free hand darts forward to swipe his keys off the bar.
Gary’s eyes close and he groans. “Every fuckin’ day.”
“Yep. Every fuckin’ day.” She shoves them into her back pocket and then turns back to the washing machine, where glassware has backed up. “Beau, what can I get you? Got anyone joining you? Probably want your favorite couch, yeah?”
I swallow and glance at the couch where my brothers, friends, and I enjoyed many a night out. It feels like a different version of myself sat there. The new Beau sits at the bar with the shy neighbor girl, who wears a pair of acid-wash Levi’s better than anyone he’s ever seen.
And the sad town drunk.
“Nah, just me today. I’ll have whatever Gary here is having.”
“A Buddyz Best for the town hero!” Gary slaps his palm on the bar, and I flinch at the sudden noise. At the label. I could crumple under the weight of everyone regarding at me like I belong on some sort of pedestal. Everyone is always watching me.
I stare at his weathered hand, flush against the polished wood of the bar top. My eyes close for a beat and I run my tongue along the backs of my teeth to keep from grinding my molars. When I lift my gaze, forcing myself to act casual, Bailey’s got her brows drawn tight, dark irises boring into my face as though she has me all figured out. The flat smile I force onto my lips doesn’t seem to impress her. In fact, before she turns away to pour me a frothy pint, her head shakes subtly, like she’s disappointed.