I tighten my arms against my chest. “You’re gonna have to start from the beginning, Lillian. I don’t have the faintest idea—”
“She was never allowed to reveal herself to you. It was Leonard’s biggest rule. If she wanted to visit you and Agnes and Benny at the commune—and she did, desperately—she had to promise him that she would never tell you the truth.”
“But why?”
Lillian looks down at the floor and bites the inside of her cheek. “I think it was Leonard’s way of just erasing me—from his life and yours. You know, when I first came to Mount Blessing, I was a big hit.” She laughs, a weird, strangling kind of sound. “After Emmanuel found out that I could play classical violin, I sort of became this … this little star of his. He waived all the rules and made me part of his inner circle right away—something that usually took years. Leonard said it was because he respected my talent. He knew how hard it was to learn how to play like that.” She takes a deep breath. “And Leonard was just … over the moon about it. He was so proud that Emmanuel had taken me in and changed my name and included me in everything. You know, it was like a reflection of him or something.” She draws a finger along the bridge of her nose. “But there was one person who wasn’t very happy about it.”
“Veronica,” I say instantly.
Lillian nods. “Yes, Veronica. I don’t know if it was a jealousy thing or what. But she didn’t like the fact that Emmanuel thought I was talented. Or that he was showing me attention. I didn’t realize it at first, because she just never talked when I was around. But then one day when I was playing for the two of them, I caught a glimpse of her over my violin bow. She had this awful scowl on her face and her eyes were just blazing. I got this feeling in the pit of my stomach, like she was biding her time when it came to me, just waiting to pounce.”
“And did she?” I ask.
“Well, you know, the whole reason I came to Mount Blessing in the first place was because I had just found out I was pregnant. I was in my senior year of high school and while Ma and I got along okay, I didn’t want her to find out. She had big plans for me, you know? Wanted me to go to college, get my degree in architecture … Anyway, Leonard was calling me regularly by then, telling me that I should drive out to Connecticut to visit him and meet everyone at Mount Blessing. I always stalled and made excuses why I couldn’t go because, frankly, the whole idea of a commune sort of weirded me out. But all that changed when I found out I was pregnant. I figured it was my way out of having to tell Ma, or by the time I did, it would be too late for her to do anything about it. So I came to Mount Blessing. I was only two months pregnant, so it took a while before I began to show. After a while, of course, my belly started to pop out. I tried my best to hide it, especially since Emmanuel was calling me in at least four or five times a week by then to play for him. I wore those horrible blue robes for days at a time and tried to take as few showers as possible, in case anyone saw me. But pretty soon it just became impossible to hide. When Leonard found out the truth, he went ballistic. And then, a month before I gave birth, Veronica found out.”
I am holding my bottom lip so tightly between my teeth that it feels numb.
“It was just what she needed. She went straight to Emmanuel and told him.”
“And?” I ask, releasing my lip.
“It was as if I or my violin had never entered his life,” Lillian says softly. “He referred to me from then on as the harlot.”
My mouth tastes hot inside. “Harlot?” I repeat.
“Yes,” Lillian says. “And a few days after I had you, Leonard came into my room and said that I had to leave. Apparently Veronica had told Emmanuel that she wouldn’t tolerate my presence any longer, that I was an insult to the rest of the female Believers who were trying to live pure lives.”
I want to cry, scream, bite, kick, spit. I don’t know if I have ever hated anyone more than I hate Veronica right now.
“But that still doesn’t explain why you didn’t take me with you,” I press.
“I should have,” Lillian says. “I know that now. But Leonard convinced me to let you stay. Veronica had told him that harlots didn’t deserve to be mothers.”
I snort. “Ha! She should talk!”
Lillian nods sadly. “I didn’t want to do it. I told him no at first, that I couldn’t bear to leave you. But he promised me that he would look after you, that you would grow up in a comfortable, loving environment, and that your cousin Agnes, who had been born only a few weeks earlier, would become your soul mate.”
“But he didn’t!” I scream, leaping up from the couch. “He never looked after me! Agnes and I never knew we were related or that—” My voice breaks, thinking of it. “Or that Nana Pete was mine, too.”