Chapter Twenty-Four
His name was the only word she was able to choke out. This had to be another dream, one she’d wake up from any second now. But he looked real. He was standing in the opening of her small kitchen, hands in his front pockets. His shoulders almost touched the door frame on either side.
“When I told the landlady I was your husband, she let me in.” He didn’t move any closer, just stood there, his gaze devouring her.
He was thinner, Abby noticed. And he’d changed in other ways as well. His hair was longer for one thing, showing signs of a curl where it met his collar. And his face. The last time she’d seen him it had still held traces of boyishness. It was gone. What confronted her now was the face of a man. A man who had gone through hell and back.
It was a face that could stop her heart from beating, freeze the air in her lungs. God, how she loved him. And how hard it was going to be to keep from showing it when all she wanted to do was throw herself into his arms and forget the rest of the world existed.
“You look good, Abby.”
“Thank you.” She forced herself to put her purse on the end table, then stooped to pick up the tea she’d dropped. “I guess Joe finally told you where I was.”
“No, he wouldn’t tell me a thing. I found you by calling every doctor’s office in the area.” He took a step farther into the living room.
“I see.” She moved by him into the kitchen, the scent of his aftershave making her dizzy with longing. “I’m afraid I don’t have any coffee. I don’t drink it because of the baby. Would you like some tea?”
“Tea will be fine.” He’d turned to follow her movement. “Joe told me you got your diploma. Congratulations.”
“Thanks.” She forced a smile, but it felt stiff, unnatural. As soon as the water was on to heat, she looked at him again. “You didn’t have to drive all the way over here. I was going to call you tomorrow.”
“Why?”
She couldn’t miss the surge of hope that lit his crystal-blue eyes and pain had her gripping the edge of the countertop. “I thought you had the right to know about the baby.”
The flare of hope died as quickly as it had come, replaced with anxiety. “Is something wrong?”
“No.” This time her smile was real. “Everything is fine. The doctors at the clinic are wonderful. They did an ultrasound this morning. That’s why I was going to call you. The baby is healthy. They said he’s a little big, but I guess that’s to be expected. You aren’t exactly small yourself. Looks like he’s going to take after you.”
“He?” Tate removed his hands from his pockets. “It’s a boy?”
She nodded. “There’s no doubt about it. Looks like Buddy is going to owe Joe some money.” She scooped the tea leaves into the pot and poured the boiling water over them.
“Abby, we have to talk. I mean really talk this time.” He stepped toward her.
The kitchen was small enough that it put him much too close. She backed up, not trusting herself so near him. “I suppose you’re right.” She hesitated. “I was going to heat up some stew for supper. There’s plenty if you want to stay.”
He nodded. “I’d like that.”
Taking a pan out, she set it on the stove, then opened the fridge and removed a large container, dumping the contents into the pan. “It will only take a few minutes to heat.”
She got out the silverware then stretched to reach the bowls in the top cabinet. When she turned around, he was right behind her. Their gazes met as his hand closed over hers on the dishes. Time stopped. Her heart missed a beat then made up for the error by pounding at double its normal speed.
“I’ll set the table.” His tone was husky, his gaze never wavering from hers.
She averted her eyes, carefully sliding her hand from beneath his before nodding assent.
“I’ve missed you, Abby.”
It took her two tries to pick up the spoon. Hand shaking, she turned away from him and gave the stew a stir.
“Did you miss me at all?”
Her eyes closed in pain. Miss him? It felt like part of her body had been torn away. It took a major effort to keep her voice normal. “Of course. I missed everyone. Even Dog.”
She didn’t have to look at him to hear the wry smile in his voice.
“I guess I deserved that, but I was hoping I ranked a little higher than Dog.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded.” There was a second of silence behind her before she heard the clink of glass as he put the dishes on the table.
When the food was done, she carried it into the dining room. Tate was already sitting, his gaze fixed on the bowl in front of him as if he’d never seen one before. He looked up as she took the seat across from him.
“What can I do to convince you to come home, Abby? Anything it takes, I’ll do it. You need me. You and the baby both. Let me take care of you.”
“No, Tate.” He still didn’t understand and she wasn’t sure she could make him. But she had to try. Her voice gentled. “The truth is, I don’t need you. I never really have. It just took me a while to see it. Look around you. I’m not living in that shack anymore. I’ve got a job that I like, one I’m good at. My medical needs are being taken care of and I’ve even found a good daycare center for after the baby comes.”
He stood and walked to the window, gazing out at something she couldn’t see. “Okay, you’re right. You don’t need me.” His entire body was stiff and pain sounded in his voice. “You’ve proved it.” He turned his head to look at her. “But what if I need you?”
Her appetite vanished and she pushed the bowl of stew back. “We only got married because neither of us had a chance to really think things through. You thought you had to live up to your responsibilities and I was too afraid to argue. But I’m not afraid anymore and you aren’t responsible for me. You don’t have to feel guilty anymore, Tate. And you don’t need me to prove you’re living up to your responsibilities.”
“To hell with my responsibilities!” He spun from the window facing her fully. “I need you for myself, damn it, and I’m not giving up until you see that.”
He took the seat next to her and leaned forward earnestly. “Do you remember a day, about a year and a half ago? I was coming out of the grocery store just as you were going in. I held the door open for you.”
She nodded slowly. The day he was talking about, she was already in love with him, even if she hadn’t admitted it to herself. “I remember.”
“Well, after you went into the store, I went back to my truck. But I didn’t leave, Abby. I sat there the whole time you were in the store, watching you through the window. Oh, I made up all kinds of excuses about why I did it, but the real reason was because I wanted you. Even then I wanted you.”
He dropped his head onto his hands. “I started dreaming about you. Every damn night until it was driving me crazy. Do you think I went to Delly’s because I like to drink? I don’t. I started going when I found out you were working there. It was the only way I could see you. And every time some man tried to put his hands on you, made a pass at you, I wanted to strangle him.”
He was so close to saying the words she had to hear. She was afraid to move, afraid even a breath of air would stop him. Her hand closed over a spoon, her grip so tight that it bent under the pressure.
His eyes were red-rimmed when he looked up at her again, but his voice was lower, softer. “I didn’t marry you because I had to, Abby, or even because it was my responsibility. I married you because it was what I wanted to do, what I’d wanted to do for a long time. The baby just gave me an excuse to talk you into it. When I told you I couldn’t afford to support two households, I lied. I’m not rich, but the ranch is doing well. I could have taken care of you without marrying you. But I had to find a way to convince you.” He gave a sardonic laugh. “As far as I could tell, until that one night you didn’t even know I was alive.”
“I knew.” She was perilously close to tears.
“I’ll admit, most of the time I didn’t realize why I was doing things the way I did. But I’ve had a lot of time to think lately. The truth was staring me in the face the whole time. I was just too blind to see it. I’m not blind anymore, Abby.”
Tentatively, he picked up her hand. “You told me you let me in that night because I needed you. I still do. More than ever. I know you only married me because you were trapped into it. And I know that I didn’t treat you like I should have. But I promise you, if you come back that will change.”
Abby stared at their joined hands, his warm and strong around hers. His thumb was caressing the skin on her wrist, sending shivers up her arm that echoed through her body. He’d said everything but the two things that might make her go back with him. One of those had to be dealt with now, before they went any farther.
She forced herself to ask the question she dreaded hearing the answer to. “Diane?”
His thumb briefly stopped its movement then started again. “Diane.” He cleared his throat. “We had a long talk after they released her from the hospital. All four of us.”
Abby met his gaze. “All four of you?”
“Me, Diane, Clayton and her new therapist. You see, Diane didn’t love me any more than I did her. We just got caught up in a circle neither of us could break. Taking care of her was a habit for me, just like I take care of Buddy. She understands now that she can’t run to me every time she’s unhappy and expect me to make it right. I can’t do it. I never could. You know what the funny thing is? She and Clayton really love each other. It may take them a while to work out all their problems, but I think they’ll do it. Either way, I’m finally out of it. Diane is Clayton’s concern now.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“I’m not. Do you know what I did that day, after I talked to them? I went straight home, got Diane’s rings out of my dresser and flushed them down the toilet. It was the only time I’ve felt happy since you left.”
Confusion mixed with hope had her reeling dizzily. “But you told me…”
“What?”
“That day at the pond, you told me that sometimes you wanted to forget about all the responsibility and do things just for yourself. Do it because you wanted it, not because it was what you needed to do.”
“God, Abby. I wasn’t talking about Diane. I was talking about you. I thought Clayton was abusing Diane and I felt like it was up to me to do something about it. But all I really wanted was to forget about Diane and her problems and just concentrate on us.”
“Why?” Hope overpowered the confusion, filled her until she could barely get the question out. Please let him say it, she prayed silently. Her whole future hung on three little words.
“Why?” He stood up and ran his hand through his hair. “Why? Haven’t you been listening to me?” He closed his fingers around her upper arms and pulled her to her feet. “Damn it, Abby, I love you. I’ve loved you from the beginning. You’re the only thing I’ve ever done in my life that was just for myself, because it was what I wanted.” His voice broke. “I’ve been through hell the last month thinking I’d lost you. I can’t go on like that anymore. I know you don’t love me, but please, give us a chance. Maybe you’ll learn to love me. Just don’t say no right now. Think about it for a few days if you need to. I can wait if there’s any hope at all.”
She put her fingers against his lips to stem the flow of words, her heart singing. “Yes.” She wanted to shout the word from the rooftops. He loved her. Oh, God. He really loved her.
“Yes?” A stunned expression filled his eyes.
“I don’t need a few days. I already know. I’ll come home with you. Everything you said is true except for one thing.”
“What?” He looked like he was prepared to renew his argument and Abby smiled.
“You said I didn’t love you. You were wrong. I do love you. With all my heart. All I’ve ever needed was to hear the words from you.”
“Oh, Abby. I’ve been so damned stupid.” His arms went around her, his lips trailing down her hair. “I love you,” he whispered. “You’ll have the words every day for the rest of our lives.”
She drank in his taste as his lips touched hers, hesitantly at first, then with more assurance as she responded. Pressed so tightly together, it was impossible to miss the strong kick that suddenly came from the direction of her stomach.
Tate lifted his lips from hers, laughing. “Maybe he’s jealous. Doesn’t like anyone messing with his mom.”
“No.” She cupped his face in both hands. “I think he’s just glad to have his dad back.”
* * * * *
Tate’s feet followed the familiar path as he pulled his jacket tighter around him. The December wind was bitterly cold, the dirt under his boots frozen solid in spite of the weak afternoon sunlight.
The white picket gate swung open soundlessly as he pushed on it and he slipped into the cemetery, pausing here and there at different headstones on his way across until he reached his father’s granite marker. The tree that shaded the graves in summer was bare of leaves now, its limbs rattling in the chilled air.
Hat in hand, he squatted next to his father’s grave. “I’ve got a lot to tell you, Daddy, and I need to get it all said, because I think this will be the last time we talk like this.” He looked down at the hat he was turning idly. “I brought Abby and our son home from the hospital this morning. You’d be proud of him, Dad. He’s a big, strapping boy. Weighed ten pounds and two ounces when he was born. Abby says he looks just like me. When I hold him, it’s like…”
He cleared his throat. “I guess you know what it’s like, don’t you? There’s nothing else in the world that can make you feel that way. Wonderful and scared to death at the same time. You want to keep him safe, protect him from all the hurts you know are going to come his way. And you pray that you won’t screw up, that you’ll raise him to be the kind of man you know he can be.”
He stopped, his gaze drifting over the brown pastures of the ranch. “You know, Daddy, I spent my whole life being afraid I’d disappoint you, that I’d turn out just like grandpa. I guess that’s why I took all your talk about responsibility so seriously. But I’ve had time to do a lot of thinking lately and I finally realized something. You weren’t just talking to me, were you? You were talking to yourself. Deep down, you were just as scared as I was that you were like grandpa.”
He looked back at the grave, his voice softening. “And you know something else, Daddy? You were right. Both of us have part of grandpa inside. It’s the part of us that makes us love with all our hearts, the way you did Mom and the way I do Abby. It’s the part that let’s us laugh and enjoy life. That’s a good thing, Daddy, not something to worry about or be ashamed of.”
Slowly, he put the Resistol back in place and stood. “We named the baby Jonathan Patrick. I wanted him named after strong men and I couldn’t think of any stronger than you and Grandpa. I’ve got a lot to teach him, Daddy. Things like responsibility and honesty, all the things you taught me. But there’s one thing I’m going to teach him that you forgot to tell me. His first responsibility is to himself. That may be the most important lesson of all, Daddy. It took me so long to learn it that I almost lost the only woman I could ever love and my child along with her. But you don’t have to hit me over the head with a hammer more than twice.” He smiled. “From now on, I’m hanging onto them, come hell or high water. I’ve never been so happy in my life, Daddy. So now I’m going back to the house to be with my family.”
He turned and then paused, looking back at the grave. “One more thing. If you happen to see Mom and Grandpa, give them a big kiss for me and tell them I love them both.”
Abby was curled up on the couch when he got back, a blanket over her legs. She looked up and smiled as he stripped off the coat, hat and gloves. From the kitchen came the sound of voices. “Don’t tell me you actually managed to get a few minutes alone?”
“I ordered them out. His Lordship was hungry and making sure everyone in three counties knew about it.” She looked down at the baby tugging furiously on her breast. “Between Hank, Joe and Buddy I doubt I’ll get to keep him for long.”
“You mean Dog isn’t getting in on the act?” A loud thumping noise came from beneath the Christmas tree as Dog heard his name and they both laughed.
Tate sat down beside her, putting one arm around her shoulders as he watched the baby nurse. Abby leaned her head against him. “Tired? It’s been a long day.”
“No.” She kissed his jaw. “Just incredibly happy.”
He reached out with one finger and gently touched his son’s cheek. The sucking stopped and a frown furrowed the tiny brow before he started again with renewed vigor. “I know exactly what you mean, sweetheart. Exactly.”