I shrugged.
“I think we both should but it’s hard to understand where each other is coming from sometimes, especially with something as big as this. It’s about our daughter’s safety.”
“Tell me it’ll be okay,” she whispered. “I’ve wanted this for months and I’m afraid of losing it.”
Leaning over, I kissed her soft lips.
“It’s going to be okay. I told you I’m not letting you go, and I meant it. I’d just like to avoid you hating me if we carry on like this. Don’t give up on us.”
She shook her head. “I won’t.”
Carol was good; she got me talking and realising shit that I never thought was there. I believed that she could help us both understand each other more. Neither I nor Holly were willing to give up, so we’d make it work, whatever it took.
Chapter Thirty-eight
Jasper
Holly looked like me when it was my first time in here. She sat stiffly on the sofa, visibly wanting to be anywhere else. It wasn’t exactly my favourite place to be either, but I’d had to admit I was wrong, and therapy worked.
“I appreciate you coming today, Holly, and congratulations to you both,” Carol said.
“Thank you,” Holly and I replied at he same time.
“How is parenthood treating you both?”
“Good,” Holly said. “Sophia is such a good baby.”
For now.
Carol nodded. “Is she with family?”
“Yes, with Jasper’s mum.”
“It’s always good when you have plenty of willing volunteers to watch them for you.”
I flinched. No, it wasn’t.
“Jasper?” Carol said. “Why don’t you start?”
“Fine. Me and Holly have been talking about my fears about Sophia. And Max.”
“You were toying with the idea of visiting him. Have you made a decision yet?”
“Yeah, I’m going to do it. I just don’t know if it’ll help and if it doesn’t…”
She smiled. “Then you don’t know if the worry will ever ease?”
“Pretty much.”
“What do you think, Holly?”
Holly hated being put on the spot.
“Um, I don’t know really. I want things to be easier for Jasper, but I’m worried that visiting his dad will make it worse.”
Carol nodded. “How does Jasper’s anxiety affect you?”
I looked at Holly. That I didn’t know. She played with the ends of her sleeves.
“It makes me uncomfortable when he’s hovering around my family. Don’t get me wrong, I understand, but they’re my family, and I don’t want them to feel like we don’t trust them with our daughter.”
“I think that’s the issue here, Holly, Jasper doesn’t. It’s nothing personal, and he’s not questioning your judgement, but trust for Jasper is hard to gain and easy to lose.”
That about summed it up. Carol was worth every penny I paid her. I could count on one hand the amount of people I trusted completely with Sophia.
“I don’t know what I can do to convince him they can be trusted, and I sometimes do feel like he doesn’t trust me to keep her safe.”
“Don’t think that, Holly.” Shit I hated that she felt like that. “You’re an amazing mum and I know you’d never let anyone near her you weren’t sure about, but we were once sure about Max.”
“See and that’s what makes me feel like you don’t trust me,” she said. “You’re basically saying I don’t know my family.”
“No, I’m saying we don’t really know anyone.”
She shook her head; lips pursed, looking pissed at me.
“I know my family.”
“Okay,” Carol said, putting an end to our discussion before it turned into an argument.
I got where Holly was coming from, but she hadn’t been on the other end of it when you found out someone you thought was your hero was really a monster.
“Until Jasper has worked through his anxiety we need to find a way of getting you both to understand where the other one is coming from. Jasper, you trust Holly.”
“Yes,” I replied.
“Then do you think you could go out while she has someone over to see Sophia?”
I gulped. Holly was petite and had not long given birth. Would she be able to protect Sophia? And herself?
“Jasper,” Holly whispered. The tone in her voice froze me on the spot. Tears welled in her eyes.
“I trust you,” I said, taking her hand in mine. “I worry about you too.”
“I’m a big girl and if anyone tried to hurt my daughter I’d kill them. I may not be particularly strong, but you find the strength for that. No one is going to hurt her. Not ever.”
I heard the words, and I knew she’d protect her, but I couldn’t help thinking I should be there to be certain nothing happened to either of them.
“I know. I get it, Holly, I really do, but I can’t help how I feel. We’re just going round in circles.”
“What do you think will help you achieve closure?” Carol asked.
“Oakley thinks going to see him will.” It kept coming back to Max.