Keep Going
Flat-Out Love, Bonus Chapter 33, Julie’s Point of View
Matt Watkins I will never compromise on my poorly-thought-out, internally-inconsistent, quasi-irrational principles. That's just how I roll.
Julie Seagle You are my favorite status reader in the whole wide world. Yes, you.
Celeste Watkins has no contractual obligation to use contractions. So maybe she will use them, and maybe she will not… So maybe she’ll use them, and maybe she won’t.
Julie leaned her head against the window and looked at Matt as he drove. He was clearly trying as hard as she was to keep from smiling. The effort was particularly adorable on his part, considering that he was not prone to walking around grinning at the slightest thing. It was wonderful to see him happy. Not that she didn’t love his serious side. While Julie could be reduced to silliness at the mere mention of, for instance, any one of the Kardashians, Matt was more controlled. Controlled, disciplined, focused.
Not bad qualities for a number of things.
She shifted in her seat and drifted her hand over his thigh. Matt took a deep breath and gave her a quick glance before staring back at the highway in front of them. He tightened his hand over hers.
Aha! He was just as squirmy as she was.
“Why aren’t you two saying anything? This is incomprehensible!” Celeste leaned forward from the back seat and popped her head between them. “There has been a major event, and it seems that it would be appropriate for both of you to be engaging in some sort of dialogue in which you detail the experience.”
Julie couldn’t stop watching Matt as she spoke. “I jumped out of an airplane,” she said slowly.
“I know, Julie! You did, didn’t you! It was an act of outstanding bravery, if you ask me.”
“I jumped out of a goddamn airplane.” She was aware that she was still reeling from the day. Still in shock. The last thing that she wanted right now was another rapid-fire conversation, but with Celeste around, avoiding that would be nearly impossible. Stringing coherent words together was simply not easy, though.
“Say more,” Celeste demanded.
“I jumped out of a goddamn airplane with Matt.” She paused. “Because of Matt. For Matt.”
She heard him catch his breath. “Julie.”
The sound in his voice now, the way he spoke her name….
There was a new tone there that she wanted more of. She could feel the ache between them now. The need. This morning she kissed Matt, threw her arms around him, and told him how totally wrong she’d been to walk away from him before. Then she felt that first surge of crazy heat that came after months of denying what they meant to each other. And now that they’d jumped from that plane together, Julie couldn’t get over how deeply she trusted Matt.
Celeste sighed happily and sunk back into her seat. “I find that quite the romantic declaration. Yes, it’s true that I may not be the utmost expert on romance, but I can say for sure that gestures like this must certainly be up there with Romeo and Juliet’s. Although clearly those two died at the end of their story, and fortunately there was no glitch with your chute because here you are. Alive and well. Obviously.”
Matt practically snorted. “Gee, thank you for that, Celeste. I bet Julie made cardboard cutouts of us, though. You know, just in case.”
“Jesus, Matt,” Julie muttered.
“Ha! I thought that was funny. Don’t worry, Julie, I can appreciate some teasing regarding Flat Finn. Granted, that joke was still morbid and disturbing, but considering that has been my family’s predominant theme for so long, I am quite comfortable with it.”
Matt squeezed Julie’s hand again. “You do know that we weren’t going to die, right?”
“Yes, Matthew. Today was certainly not about creative suicide. At all. It was about us. Also,” she said more softly, “I should point out that the day is not over.”
The car picked up noticeable speed. “How many more exits until we’re home?” he asked.
“Why are you in such a rush?” Celeste demanded. “It’s only six o’clock.”
“I just…. I just would like to get you back to the house.”
“What about you? Won’t you two be staying for dinner? I bet we could get Mom and Dad to watch a movie with us. Mom will probably try popping popcorn kernels herself in that idiotic oversized pot she likes so much, and we’ll all be stuck eating charred nuggets, but it could be nice and representative of a highly functional family.”
Matt cleared his throat. “I’m just going to drop you off, Celeste.”
“Oh. Are you and Julie going somewhere? What will you be doing? There’s a Greek festival in the South End this evening. That could be delightful, don’t you think? Spanikopita, baklava, and lots of yogurt items, I imagine.”
Julie grinned. “Is that what you were thinking, Matt? Are you in the mood for a little music and dancing? A tour of the Greek cathedral, perhaps?”
Matt raised an eyebrow. “Tour the Greek cathedral, huh? We can call it that, if you want. Sure.”
Julie smacked his arm and then turned to Celeste. “We may get there. Matt is going to take me home so… that I can get cleaned up. I’m probably covered in dead bugs, so I need to decontaminate.”
“Cleaned up? Decontaminate? Gee, you’re full of euphemisms today, aren’t you?”
“Matt, seriously,” Julie said between clenched teeth and nodded toward the back seat.
“Don’t worry,” Celeste said with delight. “I’m following along just fine. I understand that neither of you will be attending the Greek Festival. And you two certainly have no business visiting any cathedrals.”
**********
Matt took the keys from Julie’s hand, tossed them across the room, and shut her apartment door with his foot. He moved one hand behind her neck and pulled her mouth against his. She whimpered slightly, overwhelmed at how much she felt for him. The few kisses they’d shared before had been driven by emotion. This was different. This time it was about heat and longing. More specifically, how completely she wanted him out of his geeky I’m Uncertain About Quantum Mechanics T-shirt.
He pulled away for a moment. “Dana’s not here, right?”
Julie shook her head. Dana was gone for the weekend, but she was having trouble finding the words to say so. To say anything.
She had just jumped out of an airplane.
And, as of a matter of a few hours ago, she and Matt were together. No more secrets between them, no confusion.
This day was a lot to take in. And she wanted more.
“Julie?” Matt asked.
Although she knew logically that her body was here in the apartment, part of her was still falling to earth, as if she were still in the jump. It had been just as Matt described it. A rush, a high, a drug. A degree of pounding terror, sure, but mostly a dreamlike, out-of-body, euphoric experience. One that she was still in. The straps holding them together for the tandem jump had been tighter than she had expected, but she’d liked that. Being so tied to Matt, becoming totally part of each other.
“Julie? You okay?” Matt tucked her hair behind her ears and looked at her with concern. She lifted her mouth to kiss him again, but he stopped her. “Are you… here?”
She put an arm around his waist and pulled him in. “I want to be with you,” she whispered.
“I want to be with you, too. But you need to be grounded. You’re still in the air, aren’t you?”
“So what?” She smiled. “I like it up here. And I still know what I want.”
“I need you to be here. With me.”
She kissed him again, hard, and he responded with equal intensity, feeding her lightheaded state and letting her continue to drift in her soaring, dissociated world of rushing air and white noise. It was everything and nothing at the same time: feeling too much, too little, trying to separate this world from the adrenaline-based world. Eventually his kisses slowed, softened, and his firm hold on her waist eased a bit. Matt was bringing her back down to reality, gently and respectfully. And now that’s where she wanted to be. She let clarity set back in.
Julie took her mouth from his as she wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. “I’m here.”
“In that case,” Matt stepped back and began unzipping her sweatshirt, “you have on way too many clothes.”
She put her hands over his. “Wait, I should go take a shower… first.” She could smell the leftover stench of fear still on her skin from the skydive.
And maybe from what she knew she was about to do.
Matt smiled. “In that case, you still have on too many clothes. And I’m pretty sure you’re going to need some help in that shower.”
“Because I’m incompetent?” she teased.
“Of course not. But showering can be complicated.” He dropped her sweatshirt to the floor. “It’s really not something you should try to take on alone after the day you’ve had.”
Julie kicked off her shoes. “That’s incredibly kind of you to offer your skilled help.” She took his hand and led him down the hall to the bathroom.
Wait a minute. Oh God. What the hell was she thinking? The bathroom had bright lights. And a toilet. How sexy is a toilet? Not very. Unless you’re into weird things. Which she wasn’t. In fact, as a person who had never been entirely naked with another person, she didn’t have the experience to be into anything. And what about the lights? Unless she’s got some crazy supermodel body, no girl wants to be seen under a horribly unflattering glare. But now what was she supposed to do? Stop in her tracks, shove Matt back into the hall, and slam the bathroom door so that she could shower in privacy? That was stupid. Being naked was stupid. Sex was probably stupid.
But then they were there, about to be surrounded by tile and pornographic lighting. This was a terrible idea.
Matt hit the switch on the wall, and in what Julie was quite sure could only be a sign from the universe that Matt was the one—her one—the light bulb crackled and flashed before going out. She smiled. Now there was just early evening light filtering through the window.
It was time to stop thinking.
She turned on the hot water in the shower, and then Matt was behind her, pulling her against him. Ever so slowly, he undid the top of her jeans. She looked down, watching as he pushed them lower until they fell to the floor. His hands moved to the hem of her shirt, and she raised her arms as he pulled the fabric over her head. He pushed her hair aside and brushed his lips over her neck. The way he was moving his tongue over her skin made her knees weak, and she leaned her head back into him.
The sound of his voice in her ear made her shiver. “I have been thinking about this—about you—for months.”
His hands moved to the curve of her waist, then up higher, gently over her breasts. For a moment, one hand slipped into her bra, tightening just enough so that she closed her eyes as a wave of anticipation took over. Steam from the running shower started to fill the room. Julie could feel her breathing pick up, her chest starting to pound under his hand. She nearly cried when he pulled away, but when that touch moved lower, down her stomach, the tips of his fingers sliding just under the top of her underwear… she didn’t complain. As he traced the outline of the fabric so painfully, painfully slowly, Julie briefly wondered if anyone could literally go insane with lust. Not just because of what he was doing to her now, but because it made her wonder what he might do to her later. He was both careful and aggressive. He was in control. It was the same way that Matt managed so many parts of his life, with this same undeniable capability.
“You were scared earlier today. In the plane, before we jumped.” He whispered in her ear and then kissed her shoulder. “What about right now?”
“Yes.”
“Don’t be.” His hands slid over her waist, across her stomach, until she was fully embraced in his arms. He held her close. “We’ll do what you want, when you want.”
She turned around to face him.
How you find love means nothing. It’s what you do with it when you see it that does. And when Julie looked at Matt, she unquestionably saw love. She would cart around hundreds of flat brothers and do the godforsaken Polar Plunge every year for the rest of her life if it meant that she would end up where she was right now.
“I want you, Matt. I want everything. You kept me safe today, you’ll keep me safe now.”
“Always. I promise, always.”
Together, they eased off his shirt and pants. She took him by the hand as she stepped, still half-dressed, back into the shower, until she was leaning against the wall. Matt moved in front of her and pulled the shower curtain closed. She reached up for him, pulling him in to her, needing him to kiss her, to hold her. And he did just that. His kisses were so complete and passionate, so perfect, and she finally understood what it meant to drown oneself in another person.
She worried before about being self-conscious, about the lighting, about not looking like some airbrushed supermodel. That seemed a distant and ridiculous memory now because, considering how his hands were stroking her body, he made worrying about that impossible. And, she realized, he wasn’t that kind of a guy. He didn’t want or need her to be or look like anyone else. And she didn’t need that from him. They were Matt and Julie, real people. That’s why she could be so comfortable, so trusting, with him—he wanted her for who she was, as she was.
Soon his kisses traveled from her lips to her neck. Then to the top of her chest, getting harder, more urgent. Occasionally he’d pause in one spot, tasting her skin, savoring the connection between them. Julie reached behind her and undid her bra, now wet and clinging to her body. Before she could get her arms down, he had lowered the straps himself. She found her hands in his hair while his mouth moved over her breasts. Time started to get fuzzy. Then he was kissing her lips again as his fingers raked into her back, pulling her against his chest, driving her wild. Julie wrapped her arms around his neck, feeling as if she could never get him close enough. His skin was soft under the water… slick, enticing… and she started to let her hands roam. Soon her touch reached down to his waist and she pushed him away slightly so that she could finally get his underwear off.
He met her eyes as she fully undressed him, and that adorable, flirty glint of his filled his face. “Now there’s just one more piece of clothing we have to get rid of.”
He kissed his way down her breasts and stomach until he was kneeling in front of her. Julie wasn’t sure how much longer she could stand up, and she couldn’t help the noise that escaped her lips as he took his time getting off her underwear. How could anybody be so patient? Fortunately he was leading things here because she could have easily been convinced to skip all of these delightful steps and just… Oh, God… Matt stayed where he was, his hands caressing the backs of her legs as his lips kissed her thighs. Julie shut her eyes and ran her hands through her hair as he meticulously worked his way a bit higher. Then he stopped, staying where he was for an all-too-short few moments, before standing in front of her again.
“Matt….” she breathed.
While his tongue slipped inside her mouth again, he lifted her leg, resting her foot on the rim of the tub. Matt, Julie noticed, might be socially inept in a myriad of ways, but he was anything but inept now. Everything he did was effortless, smooth. His hand glided over her back, then down lower, pulling her against him for a minute, and then letting her fall away so he could continue gliding that hand to the top of her leg, to her inner thigh, between her legs….
Julie had to pull her mouth from his so that she could breathe. She dropped her head forward, resting against his chest as he worked his hand against her. Just as she was getting close to being as heated as she ever had with anyone, he stopped.
“No,” she murmured, hearing the whimper in her tone. “Keep going.”
He lifted her chin up, kissed her cheek, and put his mouth by her ear. “We’re going to take our time.”
She groaned, making him laugh. “But you said what I want, when I want. I want now.”
He laughed again. “Trust me.”
So, because she did trust him completely, she didn’t protest as he washed her hair, soaped every part of her body, and teased her with lingering, unhurried touches. Besides, she knew that two could play at this game, so she returned the tease, taking the time to let herself get comfortable with him and with everywhere that her hands were starting to explore. It was impossible not to take a certain kind of satisfaction as Matt bit his lip when she let her hand graze between his legs.
She was surprised at how easy it was to be with anyone like this. She was… touching him. Quite intimately. Shouldn’t she be more nervous? More self-conscious? But she wasn’t. It didn’t matter to her that she hadn’t exactly been doing crunches and lunges all year in preparation for Matt seeing her naked because they were about more than that.
Later, in bed, Julie knew that no one had ever been so grateful to have the hot water run out. Not that she had anything to compare it to, but whatever Matt was doing with his tongue to her under the sheets right now was pretty unbelievable. Technically, what he was doing to her for the second time, but she wasn’t about to bring numbers and math and geekiness into this. Although the thought occurred to her that, considering Matt took every conceivable thing to an outrageously academic level, there was an extremely good chance that he’d extensively researched female anatomy and become some sort of expert on the subject.
But since he was the first person to make her body tremble in a way that only she had made happen before…. Well, from now on, she would never complain when he got so engrossed in his laptop that he failed to hear anything that she was saying.
God, he was thorough and attentive in a way she couldn’t have dreamed of. Julie moved her hand down, stroking his shoulder. She was nearly delirious.
But it wasn’t just what he was doing to her physically that was making her so euphoric. It was him, being close with him. Trading touch, and sound, and taste with the person she cared so much for. How, even though she didn’t know exactly what to do, Matt relaxed her, guided her, responded to her. Julie knew that for so much of their time together over this past year, she had been the one in control, steering him in different directions with Celeste, trying to bring him out of his own shell, and helping him find himself again in the craziness of his family. Now it was his turn to lead her, to be in charge, and she needed that from him. She liked that he was taking care of her. He would do what he was doing to her right now for the rest of the night if she let him.
And that one thought did interrupt her absolute bliss.
Julie reached her hand down and lured Matt up to her. She kissed him deeply, showing him how much she wanted him. “Matt?”
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Matthew Watkins, are you stalling?”
“Am I what?”
“Are you stalling?”
“What…? Why are…? Do you want me to stop? Julie, we can stop anytime you want to. You know that, right?”
He sounded so cute and worried that it just confirmed her thought. “You are stalling.”
Matt slid his arms underneath her shoulders and held her. He didn’t say anything for a minute, but she had learned to wait him out. “Maybe a little,” he whispered.
“Why?”
“Julie, until this morning, I thought that I’d lost you. That maybe I’d never even had you to lose at all. And now you’re here, and….”
“Matt.” Julie kissed him again, reassuring him.
He dropped his head, nuzzling into her neck. “I don’t want to lose you. Not again.”
“You won’t.”
“What if this changes things? What if we’re moving too fast, and you flip out tomorrow, and that’s the end? I don’t want that to happen.”
She lifted his face and made him look at her. The light from the hallway was enough that she could see how genuinely scared he was. Trusting—after being failed by so many, including her—must be incredibly hard for him. “This is not happening too fast. How could it be? We’ve been together in one way or another for a year now. I want this. I want you. I know without any doubt that I’m here right now for all the right reasons. And I know that you are, too.”
“I love you, Julie.”
“God, I love you, too. I do. I’m sorry about everything I said to you last spring. About not being able to love you. It took me a stupid amount of time to… to reconcile you and… Finn… as being all you.”
“I know what a complete idiot I was.”
“Stop. I’m not mad anymore in the least. I’m here now because I choose to be, not because I’m confused. I’m not going anywhere. Really. Tell me you believe me.” He didn’t say anything. “Matt, tell me that you believe me.”
“I’m considering whether or not to believe you. I need to run an algorithm on this.”
“That’s not funny.”
“You might be trying to trick me into sleeping with you.”
“Is it working? Because I am desperate to sleep with you.”
He was shaking. Not dramatically so, but enough. He was always so confident, preferring to change the subject than deal with what he didn’t want to discuss, and it was so unlike Matt to ever be nervous. To react in a way that he couldn’t control. She knew that he didn’t like it, that it made him uncomfortable, and yet it was a side of him that she absolutely adored when he let her see it.
“Matt? Matty?” She curled her hips up into him. “I want to feel you.”
He smiled now. “That’s it. I don’t care if you’re tricking me or not, you just killed any willpower that I had left.”
Julie sighed with relief. “Oh, thank God.” She stretched out an arm and groped toward the floor by the bed. “There’s a bag there. Can you get it?”
Matt propped himself up on one elbow and reached out, pulling a plastic bag onto the bed. He rustled with the plastic for a minute. “Look, Julie, I’m happy that you’re an advocate for safe sex and all, but—”
“Oh, no. I didn’t get the right ones?”
“Um, it’s not that. You must have seventy? Eighty condoms here? I don’t know what you’ve heard, but even the best of us have certain limitations.”
“I know that. I just wasn’t sure which kind you… liked. So I got an assortment.”
Matt leaned in. He kissed her, then ran the tip of his tongue over her bottom lip. “Then I say we test out as many as we can.” He pulled a box from the bag and lifted his body from hers.
Julie’s hands were in her hair as she struggled to control herself while she waited out the excruciating seconds it took him. She couldn’t stand having him away from her. There was nothing she wanted more than to be as close to him as possible, and these few moments were torturous. She could feel herself squirming on the bed, unable to control how nearly frantic she was for this. For him. Maybe she was supposed to be acting more… virginal… or something, but as she had said to Matt, they had already been having a relationship for many months. She was going to be as frantic as she wanted.
Then his body was above hers, his chest barely touching her as he held himself up on his elbows, keeping his full weight just off of her. Matt kissed her mouth, her cheek, her neck. “Thank you,” he whispered.
“For what?”
“For letting me be your first.”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
He started to move inside her. Ever so slowly. Just a small movement at a time.
Julie arched her back and tightened her grip on his back. He stopped.
“Julie?” he asked softly.
“Yes. Don’t stop. Please don’t stop.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You’re not. Don’t stop,” she told him. She moved her hands to his lower back, pressing on him gently. She could feel her breathing pick up. It wasn’t entirely true that it wasn’t hurting her at all, but it didn’t matter. He was perfect.
He eased further inside her and groaned, then pulled back a bit before sliding in even deeper.
She forced herself not to tense up, keeping her body relaxed so that she could take him in, because the small part of this that hurt was getting lost in everything that felt so right. She pressed her cheek against his. The touch she had on his back lightened, her hands starting to stray as she sought out more from him. He pulled out gently and started to find a rhythm, gliding in and out at just the pace she could take. Julie turned her head, slipping her tongue into his mouth. God, he was an amazing kisser. She flashed back to that night in his room, the first time that he ever held her in his arms and the first time that they had kissed. Both of them had had so many defenses up then, but it was hard to look back and not wonder how she could have let things between them stop that night. How had she not totally melted and made him continue to kiss her then? How had she not wrapped her body around his, taking everything that he could give?
Julie moved her hands between them, pushing against his chest. He straightened his arms, lifting up, continuing to rock his hips into her. She wanted to watch him now see how he looked as he made love to her. And it was love. She could see that in his eyes. Fine, there was lust there also, but it was the intoxicating combination of the two that was throwing her into sensory overload.
She looked down between them. He knew just how to handle her body, how to take care of her. She lifted into him, matching his rhythm. “God, Matt….”
He smiled softly at her.
“More,” she told him, her voice barely audible. It was hard for her to talk now. “More.”
Matt started to move faster, still steadily and evenly, but faster. She closed her eyes, letting herself drift into this. She ran her hands over his arms, his shoulders, his chest, starting to lose any bit of inhibition that was left. The only thing to do now was to let herself be pulled into this almost semi-conscious place, a place that held only the two of them and their craving, sensation, need. There was nothing else now.
They must have stopped the world. They just must have.
Julie listened to Matt. She could easily be overcome by his sounds. The small growl that escaped his lips as he started to grind harder into her. The change in his breathing that told her he was getting closer. The quiver in his voice as he said over and over that he loved her, that he wanted her completely, that she felt impossibly good. She wanted to stay like this forever. But with the way Matt was working his body against hers, she knew he was close. Julie wanted that so much for him. It didn’t matter that it was beginning to sting and that maybe she was using her hands on his waist to pull him in more than she should. She wasn’t going to slow down. After everything that he done to her and for her tonight, she wanted to give him as much pleasure as she could.
They were moving together now so smoothly. Julie wrapped her legs around his, and Matt groaned again, louder now. He slid one hand under her back, bringing them even closer together. “Matty,” she whispered to him. Julie gasped as his whole body tightened. She listened to him, took in his sound and the way he moved against her as he started to shake. She knew she would never get enough of this.
Eventually, he slowed. The minute that he caught his breath, his mouth found hers again, and he kissed her while he recovered, staying inside her. Julie trailed her hands through his hair, cradling him, loving him.
Matt took his lips away and sweetly rubbed his nose against hers. “You’re all right? I didn’t… hurt you? I’m sorry if… God, you felt so… mind-blowing. Everything about you is totally amazing. I got a little lost there for a bit.”
“I couldn’t possibly feel better right now.”
Still joined together, they stayed quiet, snuggling and drawing out the moments that came with the calm after the fervor. There would never be another moment just as significant and valued in the way this one was. They both knew that. They would find other moments—maybe even better ones—but none with the exact tone as this one.
Afterward, when it was time to leave that precious place, Julie glanced at the bag on the floor. “So, that’s one down, seventy-nine to go?”
Matt laughed. “I might need a minute. I can’t wait to go through your rather extensive collection, but I might need a minute.” He stroked his lips across her collarbone. “But until then, I’m sure we could find something else to do. Besides, you might be sore?”
“A little,” she admitted.
“Maybe I can help with that. For instance….” His mouth never left her skin as his lips trailed to her shoulder. She almost stopped him when he lifted his body so that he was no longer against her, but then those kisses found her breasts, later traveling down her stomach and not stopping until he was settled between her thighs. “If I were to do something very, very gently, perhaps I could distract you from any discomfort.” Matt moved his hands underneath her, lifting her into him.
As much as Julie admired his outstanding genius when it came to everything math, computer, and physics-related, she was much preferring the divine application of his smarts when it came to other things.
“Yes. I… I think that might work.”
And then they were both done talking.