The Sleepover
Flat-Out Love, Chapters 25/ 26, MPOV
Matt Watkins Of course I’d be happy to give you my opinion because it increases the odds of me being able to say, “I told you so” in the future.
Finn is God What's that mental disorder where you believe that you're the only real person in the world? I'm asking for an imaginary friend.
Julie Seagle says you may call it “plagiarizing from the classics,” but I call it “collaborating with the dead.” (Clearly I’m not into this mid-term project.)
Matt finally took Julie’s friend Dana out on a date. It was the only way to get Julie to stop nagging him, and the more she nagged, the more he saw how useless it was to hold out hope that she might entertain the possibility of anything between the two of them. While he had a nice enough time on the date, it wasn’t until the end of the evening that he saw what a total jackass he really was.
There was nothing wrong with Dana. She was just as great as Julie promised. Pretty, too. It was easy to keep a conversation going with her over dinner, and she made him laugh a few times. He drove her back to her apartment, parked under a streetlamp, and then he kissed her. Slowly. It wasn’t impulsive, but rather his attempt to redirect the constant ache that plagued him. He had to move on. So he kept his eyes closed while he teased her lips with his, and while he touched his tongue to hers. He missed kissing someone. He missed touch and being touched. For twenty minutes he made out with Dana, kissing her, building it slowly, until they were both heated and gasping. He put one hand on the back of her neck and let his fingers move into her hair while he drowned in her and tried to forget. His other hand slid to her back where he delicately lifted the hem of her loose blouse. He traced the line of the top her skirt with one finger, just barely touching her skin and making her pull away to gasp for air. Dana put her hands on his chest, moving over his shirt, soon digging her fingers into him. It had been way too long since anyone had touched him like this. Matt rounded his hand over the curve of her hip, softly putting the palm of his hand against her, then inched up her waist, under her shirt… and up higher, until he was cupping her breast in his hand. She kissed him harder, and Matt responded, curling his fingers around the silk at the top of her bra and ducking his touch under the fabric. Then he was pushing the straps from her shoulders. His mouth moved from hers, and soon he was kissing her neck, working his way lower.
And that’s when he murmured Julie’s name.
It was awful.
Dana was very kind about it, but it was an inexcusable thing to have done, even for a twenty-year-old guy who was in the worst dry spell in the history of dry spells. And this wasn’t him. He wasn’t the guy who slept around, indulging in whatever one-night fling he could. Matt didn’t do that, and he didn’t want that.
With one hand under his chin, Dana lifted his head. “I thought so.”
Matt froze.
She smiled. “You’ve got it bad, don’t you?”
Matt didn’t answer that. He didn’t have to.
“It’s okay, Matt. I’m not upset. You talked about her all through dinner—obsessively so, if I might point out—so I’m not exactly surprised.” She paused and ruffled his hair with her hand. Damn. How could he not have been aware that every topic they’d covered had led him to mention Julie? Dana lifted an eyebrow. “She doesn’t know, does she?”
Matt looked away.
“It’s okay. I won’t tell her, I promise. That’s up to you.”
He slumped back into the driver’s seat and dropped his head. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened there. I shouldn’t have—”
“Stop worrying.” She put a hand on his shoulder. “I knew what was happening. I just thought we’d have some fun. It wasn’t a great idea. We’re both not over other people, and we were trying to forget.”
“Didn’t work out very well for us, did it?” Matt managed to laugh softly.
“It never does. Although there were some damn good moments there.” Dana laughed. “Julie ought to pay more attention.”
Matt looked out the windshield at the empty street. “That’s not going to happen.”
“Give it time. You’re too far gone for this not to work out.”
**********
It was nearly midnight, and Matt and Julie had been talking and listening to music since he dropped off Celeste at Rachel’s house for a sleepover. Only Julie could take his mind off of the fact that his sister was away from home for the night. For the first time. Rachel and her mother seemed nice enough, and Julie was positive that this would be a complete success, so Matt was trying to relax and not think about the possibilities. Flat Finn was folded up and hidden away in Celeste’s bag, but what if one of the other girls found him? Or what if someone made fun of Celeste for… for any myriad of things? His sister’s confidence on the drive over was helpful, though. She was ready for this step, thanks to Julie, so Matt would be ready too.
It was a nice evening. Roger and Erin were away again for the weekend, off enjoying the mid-spring weather, so Matt and Julie had the house to themselves. Hanging out with Julie was always fun, even if it was just a night of friendship.
Julie was wrapping up a phone call, and Matt was pretending not to know that she was pressing Dana for date details via a poorly disguised conversation about a nonexistent study group. That’s what he got for not answering Julie’s probing questions about his date, and he could only hope that Dana didn’t throw him under the bus. Julie did nearly drop the phone at one point, so he could only imagine what she’d heard.
“Sorry,” Julie hung up. “Important stuff about my study group.”
“Sounded like it. I’m going to get something to drink.” Matt stood up. “And how’s Dana?”
“Oh.” Julie looked away, but he saw her blush. “Ahem. She’s fine. Sorry.”
The house phone rang, and Matt left his room to locate the handset. Julie’s interest in his date made it hard to suppress a smile. It didn’t mean that she was on the verge of throwing herself at him in a jealous fit, but he didn’t mind if Dana revealed one or two things to Julie, nor if those things had touched even the smallest jealous nerve.
He was in such a good mood that it didn’t occur to him to worry about getting a midnight phone call. “Hello?”
It didn’t matter that Rachel’s mother spoke in a steady, gentle voice as she relayed that Celeste was in tears—hysterics, really—and that she needed to be picked up. The room started spinning as Matt listened to the voice on the other end of the phone explain that his sister was still on the floor of the bathroom, unable to stop crying or shaking. It also didn’t matter that the other girls were asleep and didn’t know. Nothing mattered except getting to Celeste. He flew downstairs and ran his hands over the small cubby shelves in the kitchen in search of the car keys. He could barely see straight.
“Matt?”
“Where the hell are my keys?” He touched his jean pockets and then scanned the countertops.
“I think they’re hanging by the front door. Where are you going?”
Matt rushed past her, and she followed him into the front hallway.
He snatched the keys from the hook in the foyer and then stopped as he grabbed the door handle, turning around and facing her, furious. “I told you. God damn it, I told you, Julie!” He was screaming at her now.
She took a step back. “What are you talking about?”
“Rachel’s mother just called from the party. Celeste is having a meltdown.”
“What happened?” Julie took her sweatshirt off of the coat rack and started to follow him out. “She seemed so sure of herself.”
“No!” he said pointing at her. “You are not coming with me.” He would be happy never to see her again.
“Matt? Please. I can help. I can talk—”
“No! You did this, I’ll fix it.” If he could. If Celeste wasn’t too far gone. Who knows what happened at the party that sent her spiraling. Matt slammed the door behind him. He couldn’t think clearly, all he could do was react.
He drove calmly, paying careful attention to his driving. Collecting a nearly incapacitated Celeste happened in a daze. The frighteningly loud sobbing that she was able to contain at Rachel’s house erupted in the car, and all he could do was keep her hand in his while he drove and tell her over and over again that everything would be okay. It wouldn’t be okay, but he told her that anyway.
Somehow he was in the house, blowing past Julie, and carrying his sister to her bedroom. He tucked her under the sheets and rubbed her back. Celeste was inconsolable, unable to talk, so he just stayed with her and sat through the awful wails as his rage mounted. Listening to his sister’s agony was nearly intolerable. This was Julie’s fault. Her expectations were careless and thoughtless. She had asked for too much from Celeste, and this was the result.
Later, when Celeste was nearly spent of tears, she rolled to face him. “I am sorry, Matthew. I am so very sorry.” Speaking was a struggle right now, he could see that. Her fragility wrecked him.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for. You’re home now, everything is fine.” He wiped the tears on her face with his thumbs. “Take some long, deep breaths. Can you do that for me? Like this.”
She studied his face and inhaled and exhaled along with him, over and over, until she could speak. She even smiled a little. “Sometimes, for instance right now, you look like him. Did you know that?”
Matt shook his head. “No, I don’t. Don’t say that.”
“Yes. You really do. I see it in your eyes. And in the way you tip your head to the side when you are worried. But you can stop worrying now. I feel much better.”
“Good. I’m glad. You should go to sleep now, don’t you think?” He should ask her to tell him what happened. He knew that. But he just couldn’t. He wasn’t equipped for this conversation. Once again, he was helpless.
“Yes, I must sleep, but first I would like to speak to Julie.”
Matt clenched his jaw. “You can talk to her tomorrow.”
“I would like to speak to her now. I need to.”
“If that’s what you want.” He leaned down and kissed her forehead. “I’ll see you in the morning. I’m sorry about all of this. This was a mistake.” Matt took her hand in both of his for a moment as he struggled to find the right words to tell her that he loved her, and that he would do anything to trade places with Finn so that she could have the brother she really loved back with her. There was no way to say that, so he just kept her hand in his for a minute more. “Good night, Celeste.”
The hallway was dimly lit, but it was still easy to see the distress on Julie’s face. Matt didn’t care. She deserved to be miserable.
“Matt? Oh, God. I don’t know what—”
He held up his hand. “Don’t say anything to me. She wants to talk to you.” Matt brushed past her coldly as she carried Flat Finn into Celeste’s room. He leaned against the wall and crossed his arms while he began to come undone in his own way. Never had he been this angry with anyone. How had he trusted someone else to step into Celeste’s world? Of the many mistakes he’d made, allowing Julie to push Celeste too far was the worst one of all. Matt leaned against the wall in the hallway, his expression icy and distant.
By the time Julie left Celeste’s bedroom, his rage was barely contained. Matt didn’t even want to look at her. He was disgusted with her and with himself. When she stepped close to him, he snapped. “Stay away from me. I can’t deal with you right now.”
“Matt….”
“I swear to God, don’t talk to me now. Don’t.”
“I’m so sorry. You have no idea.”
“I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear anything from you.”
“Matt, you know I love Celeste, and I would never have done anything to hurt her.”
“Well, you did.”
“If you would just let me explain again why—”
“You don’t stop, do you? You want to get into this? Fine. Let’s get into it. You thought you could just show up here and insinuate yourself into our lives? You can’t. And you also can’t act like I’m the bad guy. Like everything I do for her is somehow totally brainless.” He moved so that he was facing her, placing his body inches from hers. “I’ve busted my ass to keep Celeste in a stable place, and you just ruined it. You ruined her. God, Julie. You’re here for a few months, and you think that you know what is right for Celeste? Nobody asked you to fix anything. You can’t.” He ran his hands through his hair as he continued to unleash on her, not recognizing his own voice. “You can’t change this. And your constant reminders that you think we’re all completely crazy are not helpful. Do you get that? What is wrong with you? Don’t you have your own life to attend to? Or is this how you make yourself feel better about your crappy father, huh? You excuse the way he treats you for no good reason, and you love him based on nothing more than a few lousy e-mails a year.”
Matt couldn’t stop. He continued his vicious attack, hardly hearing himself or her, and speaking with no filter as he let free every ounce of anger.
When he was done, when he had torn her to the ground, he walked to his bedroom. “Go to hell, Julie.”
He shut the door, turned off the light, and got into bed. Despite the chill, he took off his T-shirt, one that Julie liked, and threw it across the room. It felt like an eternity went by as he lay on his back, in shock over everything that just transpired. Everything that he said. The fear that engulfed him tonight was more than any he’d felt before. Even when Finn died. It wasn’t about fear then, just grief. Deep, merciless grief. The fears around Celeste had built slowly and steadily over time, but they were different from tonight’s. That phone call…. Matt thought his heart might have stopped. And now it wouldn’t stop pounding.
He thought for a while, sorting through the things he yelled at Julie out in the hall. Striking out about her relationship with her father was cruel and unfair. It wasn’t his place, and he shouldn’t have even broached the subject tonight of all nights. Who was he to comment on parent-child relationships? Then he taunted her about Finn, about playing it safe and hiding online. Matt was a hypocrite.
Celeste is not your job. We’re not your job. We’re not your family.
Oh God, what had he done?
He’d been blaming Julie for all of this. But he was wrong about why. It wasn’t that Julie had gone too far with Celeste—or with Matt. It was that she had given them somewhere to fall from. They hadn’t had that in years. There hadn’t been anything else to lose until now. He was angry with her for giving him hope because now the crash hurt like hell.
I’ll never be what you want. You don’t like me? Then stay out of my life.
He didn’t want Julie out of his life. But he didn’t know if he wanted her in it. She pushed. God, she pushed so hard. It felt as though she disapproved of so much about Matt, but he could see that wasn’t the full truth. She did like him, but she also saw all of his shortcomings that he was already so painfully aware of. But maybe she pushed because she saw potential in all of them to live more vibrant, functional lives? Even him? Matt blinked back tears and tucked an arm under his head.
Everything was going to explode soon. He could feel it. There wasn’t much time left. Julie was right when she said that they couldn’t keep avoiding the real world. This false one was going to disintegrate, and he wouldn’t be able to stop it. It would happen by the end of the school year. He’d essentially set that deadline in a chat with Julie by telling her that Finn would be home for the summer. Matt needed this to be over. It all felt like too much.
His dark room was too empty, the quiet acutely painful. The clock on his nightstand clicked loudly while he lay still and waited for the worst of his agony to pass. He was good at squashing emotions, but tonight was tough.
Later, the door opened slowly. “Matt?” And then she was there, sitting on his bed. In the moonlight, he could see that she looked as wrecked as he felt. “Matty?”
His anger and his fear still hovered, but he looked at her.
“I’m sorry. Please. You have to forgive me.” Julie’s voice was breaking. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” she kept repeating. “Matty, please. You can’t be this mad at me. I can’t take it.” She dropped her head onto his chest and slid her arms under his shoulders, pulling him against her.
Matt’s eyes stung as she hugged him tightly, and he lay unmoving while she clutched onto him. He should push her away, tell her again to go to hell, because keeping her at a distance might be the smart move. He didn’t know anymore. Perhaps all of the choices he’d made since Finn’s death had been the wrong ones. Matt didn’t know who or what to trust, but he moved his hand to the back of her head and gently stroked her hair, trying to soothe her trembling.
“Shhh….” he said.
Matt was taken aback by how affected she was by what happened between them. Julie’s pain was not just about Celeste. It was about him. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I didn’t mean any of the things I said to you. You didn’t deserve that.” It was true. She didn’t deserve his hateful words when he was too cowardly to tell her the truth about anything. All she had been doing for months was to try to help.
She rested her cheek against his chest, still clinging to him, the warmth of her body against his bringing him relief and calm. Matt’s hand traveled from her hair to the top of her tank, over the straps and just grazing her skin.
“I was awful,” he continued. “Your relationship with your father is none of my business. Of course you love him, and you have every right to. What I said was unforgivable.” Matt kept his hand on her, starting to touch her shoulders and her back. He hoped that she could feel his sincere remorse. “You’re the best thing to happen to Celeste. She was lost before you got here. As if she didn’t belong anywhere. You’re saving her. I never should have said what I did.”
“No, I pushed her too much,” Julie said quietly. “And you. It won’t happen again.”
“You’ve been perfect. I wish I could tell you everything, but I can’t. Not yet.” It would happen. One day she would know everything, but not tonight. First they had to recover from this.
“I know. That’s all right.” Her hold on him stayed strong, but he could feel tension begin to ease from her body. Matt didn’t take his hand away for a second.
After a few minutes, Julie shivered a bit.
“Cold?” he asked.
“Yeah. A little.”
He slid his legs, and they moved together so that Julie was on her side, under the blanket with him, and resting her head in the crook of his hold. Matt stroked her arm, running his hand up and down, over and over. Her body pressed against his felt like the most natural thing in the world, and the way she fit against him as though they were made for this embrace was overwhelming. She took his hand in hers, intertwining their fingers, and squeezed.
He squeezed back.
“So we’re still friends?” she asked.
Friends. The worst word. But he would take it, because it was the most important thing. “Yes,” he said after a moment. “We’re still friends.”
Julie yawned. Their fight had drained both of them, and Matt wanted her to get some sleep. She had been through a lot tonight, too. And if she stayed awake any longer, she would come to her senses and leave. He slowed his touch over her arm and shoulder and listened to her breathing change as she drifted off in his arms.
If he fell asleep, he would miss this. So he stayed awake and spent the next two hours trying to memorize what her body felt like next to his. When the truth came out, when his many lies were exposed, she would hate him for what he had done to her. She was worth so much more than his cowardice.
If things were different, if he could go back and do this right.
If Finn hadn’t died, if Celeste weren’t so troubled, if his parents weren’t withdrawn and stuck on compartmentalizing everything….
But Matt was the one to blame. He could have stopped this mess with Julie before it ever started. If he’d been strong enough.
Too many ifs.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered into the dark. Matt brought his lips to the top of her head and lightly kissed her.
Julie lifted her head slightly.
“God, I’m so sorry, Julie,” he murmured.
“Me too,” she said.
Julie raised her head more, bringing her mouth by his. He couldn’t breathe. What was she doing? She couldn’t be…. But she was, because she put her lips to his. They held still, delaying the moment that could change everything. They shouldn’t do this. It would be a mistake.
Matt placed his hand firmly on her waist and pulled her up. And then he kissed her. Her lips were incredible, and their kiss gentle and unhurried. He moved his tongue against hers, and she pressed her mouth harder against his, her response heating up their connection. Then she slid her leg over his and pressed her waist against him, bringing them even closer together. Her body moved up, her chest now against him, and he put his hand to her lower back, raking his fingers against her skin. Julie slid a hand behind his head and pulled him in even more. The heat and the intensity between them grew. Too fast.
Matt didn’t want to stop, and it was clear Julie didn’t either. More than anything, he wanted to roll her onto her back, and to take this further. He would slowly ease off her clothes. He would hold his body over hers, kissing her for ages, only eventually pulling away from her lips to work his mouth down her neck, over her chest, her stomach. Lower. He wanted to make love to her, to show her how adored she really was.
Julie’s breathing was picking up as he continued to kiss her, teasing her with his tongue, coaxing her into response. She wanted him, it was easy to tell. And he wanted her more than he ever could have imagined. This was not Julie with Finn. This was Julie with Matt.
He knew they could keep going. Given how she was moving against him, she wouldn’t stop it.
So he had to. Because Julie with Matt was too complicated. She didn’t know what she was doing. Her first time couldn’t be like this. Matt would never do that to her. This was not about just sex, although she had to be aware of how turned on he was….
He squeezed her hand one more time and pulled from her kiss, resting his head back on the pillow. He looked at her as he tucked her hair behind her ear. It was good that he had just stopped things because he saw enough shock and confusion in Julie’s eyes as it was.
She would probably come to her senses and leave now. Their fight, their horrible exchange of words out in the hall…. That was the reason for this late-night fooling around. It had to be. Feelings got mixed up in the aftermath of their fight. That was all. She loved the idea of Finn, not the idea of Matt.
But she didn’t leave. She put her head back on his chest. Matt wrapped his arms around her. Fall in love with me, Julie, as I fell in love with you, he willed her. Fall in love, fall in love, fall in love….
Only for tonight, they belonged to each other, so he would stay awake.
Even if this closeness was just a result of mending what broke during their fight, he would take this excuse to stay next to Julie, the girl who had an irrevocable hold on his heart.
He would save her having to wake up with him. He wouldn’t leave her until she started to stir. Then he would ease his body away, slip downstairs, and this would be over.