SHIFTING GEARS
CELESTE GLARED AT Matt. “That is what you’re wearing to lunch?”
“What?”
“Don’t Stop Me From Having a Helvetica Good Time? Do you not have one single shirt uncluttered with a saying of some sort?”
“We’re just going to a casual restaurant. Unless the dress code requires a three-piece suit—and in that case I’m probably not going—then I see no problem with what I’m wearing.”
Celeste sighed. Well, Julie would probably find it endearing, but there was part of her that hoped he might wear something more stylish and handsome. She walked over to him and pulled at his wrinkled sleeve and smoothed down bunching fabric that hung over his jeans. “Have you completed your alcohol-consumption spree? I should hope so. You look puffy. You are probably dehydrated and need water. It is too bad you chose to continue sullying your body with cocktails because you got some color yesterday during your poolside respite, and you might look a bit more dashing were it not for the—”
“What’s going on?” He frowned. “You’re acting more than a little high-strung today.”
“What? Nothing! Nothing is out of the norm! Right, Justin? Tell him. Everything is as it always is, only with the addition of sunshine and lovely breezes. No one is behaving in any manner that could conceivably be deemed high-strung!” She did, however, notice that she was talking too loudly. And too quickly. She would have to calm down.
Matt put his hands on his hips and looked to Justin.
“I’m starving. Let’s go eat!” He shook his keys with more enthusiasm than necessary. “Should I drive or are we taking the ‘vette?”
“Two cars! I prefer that we take two cars!” Celeste said immediately. “Er, perhaps you and I might like to go out on our own after lunch.”
“Okay, okay, Miss Thing. Jeez.” Matt held up his hands. “We’ll take two cars.”
Island Prime was known as the “restaurant on stilts” because it hung out over the water, so Justin had chosen well. Celeste liked the place from the minute she saw it. They parked the cars, and Celeste made a quick visual sweep of the lot. She didn’t see Julie yet. The doors to the restaurant were nearly twice Celeste’s height, and she had to use two hands to pull one open.
“This is a blatant case of form over function,” she announced. “One does not need to enter an establishment via gargantuan doorways, although I do have an appreciation for the architectural style. Justin, do you have commentary to add about these big doors.” She grunted and slid though the opening
“They are… very large… Um… grandiose?” Justin placed a hand on the door panel and swung it fully open for Matt.
When they were seated on the outdoor deck and looking at menus, Celeste could feel her nervousness growing. The words on the page in front of her were blurry and meaningless. The only thing that had meaning now was Julie’s arrival. She was torn between chattering on about the blissful location and alternately not saying anything at all.
“With an ocean front location such as this, I imagine this establishment must prioritize the quality of the seafood served, since one could not possibly expect anything less than outstanding when dining under the sunshine, inhaling the salt air, and marveling at the boats that pass by. Oh, look! One of the menu selections is entitled A Study in Lobster. How charming.” There. She had made the words come into focus. “Although one must question the validity of whether a dish can truly be considered a study, unless of course it comes served with an essay on lobster culture or something else equally ridiculous—”
Matt slammed down his menu. “Okay, that’s enough. What the hell is going on?”
Celeste looked up at him. It did not feel nice to trick Matthew, as she was never deceitful. Well, until this weekend…
Justin calmly took a drink of water. “Celeste, I think you need to tell him.”
“Tell me what?”
“Matt.” Julie was there. Standing right at the end of the table. Her voice was already broken, pain already on her face. She was as beautiful as ever, though, Celeste thought. Her dark brown hair now had highlights and was much longer than Celeste had ever seen it, but she looked quintessentially Julie in a long, lightly patterned sundress.
The shock on Matt’s face was all too evident, his emotion palpable.
Celeste jumped from her seat and rushed to Julie’s side, throwing her arms around her old friend. “How I have missed you. Terrifically delighted that you were willing to make the drive to see us. This is Justin, whom you have heard much about.”
“Hi, Justin. It’s very nice to meet you,” Julie managed to say from under Celeste’s tight hug.
“You, too.” Celeste could feel Justin and Julie shake hands. “Celeste, you might want to let your friend breathe.”
“Oh. Of course. Terribly sorry.” Celeste stepped back.
Julie kept her back to Matt and put her hands on Celeste’s arms. “You look wonderful. I can’t believe how long it’s been.”
“You, as well, look wonderful. And…” Celeste gestured grandly, “Matt is here. Whom you remember, I’m sure. I mean, of course you remember him.”
Julie pursed her lips together and gave Celeste a look. “I assumed that you would be here with Roger or Erin.”
“I do not know why you would have thought that,” Celeste said with exaggerated confusion. “I did not mention them, did I?”
“No,” Julie said pointedly. “No, you did not.”
Celeste spun Julie around and shoved her toward the empty seat beside Matt. Julie slowly made her way over and sat down. Neither Matt nor Julie looked at the other. In fact, neither looked even slightly happy.
Matt’s expression was bleak, and he kept his head down. “Celeste… what have you done?” She could barely hear him.
She looked to Justin, dumbfounded. He shook his head slightly, clearly at a loss for how to handle this.
“I can’t… I can’t do this…” Julie’s emotions were raw as she held back tears. “I love you, Celeste, but you had no right.”
“I just… I just thought it would be helpful for you two to see each other.” Celeste’s heart began to race as she looked back and forth between them. She would have to get them to break through whatever wall was here. “I know—I know with great conviction, that you still love each other. There. That is the simple truth. It is solely stubbornness or a similar characteristic that is standing in the way of what we all know to be right.”
But then Julie had her hands over her face, unable to hold back. Matt continued to look down. He lifted a hand and just barely touched Julie’s shoulder before she brushed him off quickly, finally looking directly at him. Her eyes held fury and hurt. “You broke my heart, Matt. You broke my heart. I don’t want to see you. I can’t.”
Every word cut through Celeste. She could only imagine what it was doing to Matt. She was frozen in her chair. This was not supposed to happen. Justin was pulling on her hand, eventually putting an arm around her to lift up. He guided them to a table across the deck and out of Matt and Julie’s view. “Let’s give them a little space, okay?”
She sat down dumbly at the new table, Justin now across from her and holding her hand in his.
“Here have some water.” He pushed a glass in her direction.
She shook her head and looked out over the bay. She would wait. Matt and Julie would take a few minutes to get over whatever hurdle had been keeping them apart, and then they would ease back into their love. They could do this. Neither had left the table, and therefore they must be talking things through. So she would hold Justin’s hand and wait.
She counted boats that went by. She watched the single cloud as it traversed slowly through the bright blue sky. And she counted more boats.
There were many unfortunate things about this moment, not the least of which was that the deck was nearly empty of other customers. Julie and Matt’s conversation could now be heard all too clearly. Justin squeezed her hand as Julie’s voice drifted their way.
“You wouldn’t leave. You wouldn’t choose me. I asked you to come to California, and you said no.”
“You know why,” Matt said. “Julie, you know I couldn’t leave.”
Julie said nothing for a minute. “I know. I know that she needed you. But maybe you didn’t trust her enough to do what she needed to do. She’s strong.”
Celeste turned her head slightly.
“You haven’t seen her. You haven’t seen how she’s been.” Matt was louder now. “It’s only been since she met Justin that she’s come alive and pulled things together. She’d been lying to us about having friends at school and who knows what else. That’s only changed recently. She depended on me, maybe still does, and I’m not about to abandon her. If she accepts at Barton, then Justin will be there for her. It’d be different. She would be safe. But it wasn’t fair that you asked me to leave her two years ago. You know better than anyone what it means to feel protective of her.”
“I do. I know. I just… I just wanted to be with you.”
“You left me, Julie. You left me!”
Justin tried to get Celeste to look at him, but she refused. “You applied to Barton? And got in? Why… why didn’t you tell me?”
How was she going to explain this? “Matt sent in the application. I just found out,” she said numbly.
“You told me to go,” Julie was now saying. “You told me to take the job!” The hurt in her voice was too much. “You said that we would be okay, Matt. You promised.”
“I know. I thought we would.” Matt’s tone softened, apologetic and sad. “I don’t know what happened. You couldn’t forgive me for staying.”
“It’s not like Celeste was still carrying Flat Finn everywhere.”
Celeste stopped breathing; her body went rigid.
Justin tugged her hand. “What is she talking about? Your brother Finn?”
It was all falling apart now, Celeste knew. There would be no recovery from this.
“She put your cardboard brother in the attic, remember?” Julie continued angrily. “Years ago. It was over. She didn’t need him propped outside her bedroom door anymore; she didn’t to talk to him to feel stable, and she didn’t rely on Flat Finn to get her through the most basic parts of daily life. I think she would have been okay without you.”
“You just said it. You think. I couldn’t take that risk. What if I’d run off to Los Angeles to be with you, and she lost everything? Don’t you dare blame her.”
“I’m not blaming her, but what was I supposed to do? Not take the job?”
“I didn’t say that,” Matt said. “I understand. You had to take care of yourself, and I had to take care of Celeste.”
“It’s the same thing all over again, back where we were before we were even together. You keep sacrificing yourself for her, and then you have nothing left to give. ”
“I’ll do it for the rest of my life if I have to.” Matt was angry now.
“That’s not fair to her, and it’s not fair to you. You know this, Matt. You’re making her responsible for what happened to us, and maybe you were just too afraid to commit to me. I think that’s the real reason. You used her as a crutch because you were scared. And so I left. And then you stopped loving me. We were too far apart. In every sense.”
“That’s not true. Don’t say that.”
“I could feel it. And now, I can’t forgive you.”
Celeste slammed her chair back and rushed to their table.
“I thought you were gone—” Matt started.
“Oh God, Celeste, I’m sorry,” Julie begged. “I’m so sorry.”
She grabbed the car keys from the table and ran from the deck. Tables, diners, and staff nearly invisible to her as she found her way to the parking lot.
Fight or flight.
There was no fight to win here. She couldn’t. Flight was her only option. And so she flew.
“Celeste!” Justin was running toward her as she started up the Corvette and slammed it into reverse. There was panic and confusion and shock in his demeanor. It was awful.
She wanted to pretend he didn’t exist, to just escape. And so she did. She soared out of the lot and drove. And drove and drove.
Shifting from third gear to fourth felt good, but every stoplight agitated her more. Then she pulled onto a highway. Fifth gear felt better, stronger. She stepped on the gas until she was doing ninety and passing cars that were going too slow for what she needed. The power felt good, the speed freeing. She found the ocean on her left and drove up the coast, changing lanes often, leaving everything behind her. It was a rush, intoxicating, distracting. Driving took her out of herself, and that was needed because she couldn’t stand to be who she was now. Maybe not ever.
But she couldn’t shake Flat Finn. Of all the things for Justin to know about, there would be no recovering from that one. Humiliation coursed through her entire being. It didn’t matter that Flat Finn had been gone for years. The simple fact was that he had indeed been her constant companion for a long time. It was not normal, even though she’d been much younger, and it was not anything that she could explain away. Or even laugh about. Even today—even today—she couldn’t laugh about him. Because she missed that cardboard representation of Finn; he’d given her strength and an ability to cope that she hadn’t been able to muster on her own in the wake of her brother’s death.
How truly weak it was, what she had needed then. And how pathetic it was what she needed now, now in this day of ruin.
It was forty minutes before Celeste pulled over onto a beach area. She could breathe again, her thoughts crystallizing.
The slam of the door followed her as she took off her shoes and walked across the hot sand. Her feet were probably burning, but she kept a slow pace, dragging them through the sand until she reached the shoreline. Celeste dropped to her knees, letting the last edge of a wave inch toward her before pulling back. Gone again. Then another one approached, testing what it was like to become part of her, and then leaving. As every one would. And as everyone would.
When the sand was bare, she noticed, there was nothing left. No imprint, no pattern, just nothing. As though the wave had never been there.
It was what she would do. It would be as though this year had never happened. It would simply disappear.
But then he was next to her. Justin. And now she would have to make him disappear, too.
He knelt down. “Celeste. You’re hard to track down, did you know that? I mean, I like fast driving, but I lost you about ten miles back, so I just followed the coast line and hoped I’d find you. Guess the Corvette was a good choice, because it stands out.”
Another wave, another exit as the water ripped away from her.
“I mean, if you’d been driving a Civic or something, it might have been impossible to ever find you. Too many of those around. Are you hungry? We didn’t get to eat. You must be starving. I know another really good place to take you. Let’s just go. Let’s get out of here together. I can leave my car. Or whatever you want?”
She dug her toes into the wet sand, grinding the rough feel into her skin.
“Celeste, please. It’s okay.” He dropped down all the way now, sitting in front of her in the path of the water. “Why didn’t you tell me that you got into Barton? I know you won’t go, but you should have told me. Obviously, you’ll go to Harvard or any of the other amazing schools you got into, but you still should have told me.”
In order for this to end, she would have to speak. So she forced herself.
“There are a lot of things I should have told you, Justin, so that you would have known that I am not someone you are able to save.”