CHAPTER 5
Castle Burragh, Scotland; Present-Day October
I had surely lost my mind. It was only now, watching the taxi that had brought me here drive away, that the thought
occurred to me.
During my long transatlantic flight I’d started having doubts about this crazy endeavor. But now that I was standing
here on the side of some road in rural Scotland, with nothing more than a suitcase in my hand—just like I had a year
ago—I had to allow for the possibility that I was suffering from a medical condition that seriously impaired my
cognitive abilities. There was no other reasonable explanation for my coming here.
I tried to focus on all the right reasons for this trip as I approached the gray stronghold, Castle Burragh. Chills ran
down my spine at the sight of the dark, forbidding stone walls towering above me. I could almost see the heavily armed
guards behind tiny arrow loops that would have defended the castle hundreds of years ago. Even though there was not a
single cloud in the bright blue sky, I felt a cold wind blow across the flat, treeless mountaintop.
I pulled the zipper up higher on my Windbreaker. Was I really in the right place?
Unfortunately, it was a little late for doubts, as the taxi had long since returned to civilization. I didn’t even dare
to check whether I had cell phone coverage out here. Suddenly, I felt pretty dumb. To stop myself from getting even more
worked up, I knocked on the arched door beside the massive portcullis as loudly as I thought I could get away with and
still be considered polite.
My sweaty palms betrayed my fear of not being welcome. Ever more nervously, I wiped them on my jeans. My fear seemed
entirely warranted since nobody was opening the door. I knocked again—and this time as hard as I could—even though my
knuckles really hurt.
Then I leaned back and glanced up at the tall castle wall. Nothing. Not a peep.
“Dammit!”
And again I tried to fight the feeling of being utterly alone in this godforsaken place and at the mercy of all kinds of
danger—maybe even a psychopathic killer.
“Hello? Anyone there?” I called out, hoping to hit upon better companionship than my own voice. But no reply came,
just as I’d feared.
I had always tended to take charge of my own destiny instead of waiting for something to happen, so I dropped my
suitcase and walked a few yards back down the graveled road. Here, a narrow, overgrown path led around the periphery of
the castle. All right, I would try my luck at the back of the castle.
Deep down I cursed myself for being so naive. When Payton had told me that he and Sean lived in a castle, I’d
immediately thought of one of those lovingly restored castles I’d visited during my big sightseeing tour. This one
couldn’t be farther from that image. Nobody in his right mind would pay a single buck to visit this derelict ruin. It
was in complete disrepair and far from any human settlement.
I tromped through a thicket of Scotch thistles and felt glad that sunset was still a long way off.
I kept calling Payton’s name but never got a reply. And when I finally twisted my ankle walking along that overgrown
path, I was sure that I had nothing in common with tough girl Lara Croft after all. I was more of an awkward Indiana
Jones type, anyway. I limped over to a protrusion on the wall, sat down, and massaged my throbbing ankle. There really
was no one around.
What was I to do now? Wait until somebody showed up? Or somehow try to get back to the city? A quick glance at my cell
phone confirmed that there was no network coverage, but I thought I’d spotted a red telephone box a few miles back. I
wondered whether the phone box would actually work, or whether it was just a nostalgic reminder of the good old days.
I slouched and cautiously stretched out my sore foot. All of this was my fault, of course. Why couldn’t I just have
stayed home? He was the one who left me! Broke up with me, to be precise—just like that, without saying a single word.
Except for that stupid breakup letter on my pillow. I could almost feel that overwhelming pain again.
It had taken several minutes before I was able to gather my thoughts. I sat there, numb, staring at the ink on the page.
How could he do this to me? Only a few hours ago we had been so close, and now I was sitting here crying my eyes out.
Was this supposed to be it? Had he maybe been using me? Or had he not enjoyed our night together? After calming down, I
needed answers. I kept trying his cell phone, but he didn’t pick up. My pain flipped to anger. I had risked so much for
him, trusted him, opened up to him. Surely it wasn’t too much to ask for him to give me a reason we couldn’t see each
other anymore—and why I should forget about him.
Forget about him? Did he have any idea what he was asking me to do? I could never forget Payton McLean, and I didn’t
want to! Finally, I’d even tried calling Sean, but the sobering result was exactly the same: no answer. My fury about
this outrageous, unacceptable behavior managed to ease my heartbreak—well, almost. But when I returned to the motel to
confront Payton later that evening, all I found in his room was a cleaning lady buzzing about. And she told me in a
disimpassioned voice that all the guests had already checked out. That was when I could no longer hold back my tears. I
cried and cried and cried, using my sleeves instead of a tissue.
I saw myself running. The town around me seemed to have changed forever. The glaring billboards and blinding headlights
of passing cars made my head spin. Sirens and all the other traffic noise followed me as I left Route 113 and turned
onto the much quieter Kings Highway. It was impossible for me to go home now, back to my room where I had been so happy
with Payton such a short time ago. So I ran all the way to Silverlake and sat down in the tall reeds.
Summer was over, so the cold, damp earth soaked through my jeans to my butt. Still, I pulled off my shoes and socks,
rolled up my pant legs, and stuck my feet into the water.
The piercing cold helped me think clearly again, and I recalled the day when Payton and I had gone for our very first
walk at Glenfinnan Monument and waded barefoot through the ice-cold river.
That day during my student-exchange trip to Scotland had been indescribably beautiful. It marked the beginning of
something special.
Which was why I couldn’t believe that Payton would throw it all away with just one letter. There had to be more to it.
After all, he had been acting very strange all day, and after Sean left, he had been deep in thought.
Eventually, I pulled my feet out of the water, and I actually felt a little better. I didn’t want to believe that
Payton no longer loved me. There had to be a logical explanation—and I would find out what it was.
With a heavy heart but with renewed optimism, I returned home and dialed the number of perhaps the only person left to
help: my cousin Ashley.
I took a deep breath, wove my long, dark hair into a loose braid, and then carefully tried to move my ankle. Luckily it
almost didn’t hurt anymore. I walked back, treading more carefully this time. In a way, Ashley had brought me here. So
if this was a truly dumb idea, then it was at least partially her fault. Because my heartache and anger alone would
certainly not have made me book that flight to Scotland.
But when Ashley told me that Sean had canceled his visit to her because “Payton needed him desperately” and because “
he had to return to Scotland for now,” I felt that my suspicions had been confirmed: Our so-called breakup was just
pretense.
I was very concerned about him, because he had been in such a bad way the last time I saw him. These worries had
prompted me—impulsive little me who never wasted a thought on possible consequences—to come here. In the end I’d told
myself that I would find the two brothers here, that all would be revealed, and that Payton and I would get back
together.
But now all I could do was sneak around an obviously abandoned castle, and my two handsome Scotsmen were nowhere to be
seen.
I was just turning a corner when I heard engine noise. Knowing my luck, I was sure this would be the psychopathic
killers I had fantasized about earlier. But I chose to ignore that thought and run to the gate.
My relief in seeing that it was in fact Payton approaching in his white SUV quickly turned to unease. What if he really
didn’t love me anymore? What if he really didn’t want to see me, despite all my hopes for a happy ending? Maybe he was
already in the process of getting over me, like he had advised me to do.
Fighting a sense of turmoil, I stopped to face the brothers.
The driver’s door opened, and I found it impossible to turn away. How did this Scottish guy get under my skin so much?
It had been only a few days since I’d seen him, but still my heart pounded like mad at the sight of him. And I could
have sworn that, in addition to his clear surprise at seeing me, I also noticed a glimmer of joy rush over his face.
But not much joy was left as he marched up to me. On the contrary, he looked really angry. Before he could intimidate me
with his powerful masculine presence, I squeezed out a feeble “Hi, Payton.”
Sean had also gotten out of the car and was leaning against the passenger-side door.
“Daingead, Sam! What are you doing here?” Payton demanded, pulling me farther away from the car. He shot his brother a
quick glance and backed away from me.
I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around him, but he seemed so distant that I wished I had never boarded that
flight.
“What am I doing here? What do you think? You just ran away from me without saying a word!” I shouted. This was not
how I had imagined our reunion.
“I wrote you a letter,” Payton said flatly, but he couldn’t even look me straight in the eye.
“Oh, right, the letter! You mean those three meaningless lines you wrote?” I snapped, trying my best to stab him to
death with my eyes. His glacial brush-off had hurt me more deeply than I cared to admit, so I tried to coat my pain in
as much anger as I could.
“Sam, listen, it really would be best for you to go home. That thing that happened between us…it’s over, and I’m
over it.”
No, that was not what I wanted to hear. Not at all. I shook my head to try to unhear it. Hot tears streaked down my
cheeks, and my voice shook. I wanted to feel him, feel his strong arms around me. I was willing to renounce everything—
everything but his love.
“No!” I said defiantly. “You’re lying! You told me you loved me, you risked your own damn life to protect me! Do you
think I’m so stupid that you can trick me with a Post-it note full of lies? That’s not you, Payton, and you know it!”
I ripped the crumpled breakup letter from my bag and hurled it at his face. All I got in response was embarrassed
silence. How could he stay this calm when I had never fought harder for anything in my entire life!
“Payton!” I screamed. “Goddammit, you stupid man! That’s not how this is supposed to end!”
I didn’t know what else to do. I shook my head and watched him from behind a curtain of tears. I scanned his face for
those feelings I had always seen reflected on it.
“Sam, please…,” he whispered.
“No, Payton. I love you—that’s why I’m here. You want me to go? You don’t love me? Then convince me. Look me in the
eye and tell me!”
I stepped up to him and grabbed his hand.
“Say it, Payton. Just say it, and I swear you’ll never see me again.”
I braced myself for his reaction. Payton lifted his gaze and our eyes met.
“Sam…” He took a deep breath. “Sam, I…Ifrinn!”
With that, he yanked me into his arms and kissed me. My ribs almost cracked in his grip.
I could hear myself sobbing. My chest heaved with relief, and when we kissed, I tasted both our tears. Yes, our tears,
because Payton seemed overwhelmed by his own feelings. He couldn’t stop kissing me and muttering sweet Gaelic nothings
into my ear. I practically levitated with joy. I only noticed Sean again when he angrily pulled us apart.
“Payton! Bas maillaichte! What the heck? We talked about this!” he yelled.
“Screw you! I need Sam, and I won’t make the same mistake again to let her go. I’ve been to hell and back these last
few days! Now that she’s here, I feel so much better. Don’t you get it? If I can make it through this somehow, then it
will be with her by my side!”
I didn’t understand a single word of any of this. Of course it was nice to hear that I hadn’t come all this way for
nothing, but the rest of it made absolutely no sense to me. The furious silence between the two brothers was charged
with tension, but Sean finally gave in and shrugged.
“You know what? It is your cursed life, not mine. Do whatever the hell you want.” And with that, he left Payton flat
and reached for my suitcase. As he disappeared inside the castle, he said, “Milady, how lovely to see you. Maybe we
should talk it out inside.” And I took this to mean that I was invited to stay.
Turning his attention back to me, Payton sighed, saying, “Ah, mo luaidh. I’ve missed you. I didn’t mean to cause you
any pain.”
Again he pulled me into his arms, and I snuggled up to him. He gently rested his head on top of mine, and I could feel
his heartbeat under my cheek.
“So, what’s going on? Why did you leave?”
I felt safe and snug in his arms, even though I knew that much loomed unsaid between us. His sweater smelled so
comforting and familiar. I breathed in the scent of the man I loved and savored the feeling of his hands running up and
down my back.
“Come on in, I’ll tell you everything. But I had better warn you—it’s not a very nice story.”