chapter Five
Peter
Ava is quiet tonight. Usually, it means she is thinking about something intensely. Through our connection, I can sense her unsettled thoughts. They rattle and jar me.
She has something on her face. Make-up. It looks different on her. Widens her eyes and makes them like green beams of light that stare out of a fog-filled night. She is both more herself and less herself. I am not sure if I like it.
“What did you do to your eyes?” Her hands fly to her face, as if there is something wrong with it.
She feels around her eyes with her fingers for a moment. “What? Oh, my mom taught me how to use eyeliner. I forgot to take it off. It looks bad.” An unpleasant feeling flies through her for a moment. She moves to get up. I take her arm to stop her from doing something foolish.
“No, it doesn't. It is different.”
“Different, bad?” Her eyes widen and she blinks rapidly. Worried that I don't like it.
“Different, different. Your eyes are just as green. There is simply more emphasis on them.” I try to word it the correct way. From being around Ava and listening to her friend Texas, I have found that certain girls are easily offended when it comes to their appearance. Ava doesn't seem to be, but I did not want to take the chance that I could upset her. I do not like it when she is upset. It makes me upset, and then she gets more upset. It is a cycle I do not want to start.
She pulls away from my arm. “I'm going to wash my face.” Clearly, I did not say the right thing. I struggle to find what that might be.
“You are beautiful no matter what is on your face.” She stops and turns around. I enjoy her shocked expression.
“Really?” She wraps a lock of hair around her finger and crosses one foot in front of the other, twisting back and forth. It strikes me how truly beautiful she is. I am allowed to think she is beautiful.
“Really,” I say, using her word. She looks down, trying to hide a smile. It is so easy for her to make facial expressions. As easy as waves rolling over a beach. I try to make my face do the same thing. Ava catches me trying to mold my face into a smile. She studies me for a moment before answering.
“Still serial killer, but it's getting better,” she says going into the bathroom and turning on the water. Until I started spending large amounts of time with her, I had no idea how much upkeep the human body required. It takes hours to bathe and feed it and many hours of sleep. I do not remember things like that from my life. Those were the memories I had to let go when I changed. It was enough effort to keep the memories I cherished. My eyes rest on the trunk that stood at the foot of her bed. My trunk. My memories.
She comes back with her hair in a knot on the back of her head, and her face clear of make-up.
“I don't think I'm going to keep up with the eyeliner. My washcloth was practically black and my eyes hurt from all the scrubbing it took to get it off. I don't know.” She shrugs and gets into bed. Her face is fresh and clean. I like it better this way.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Her forehead contracts, making little peaks and valleys. I want to run my finger along them.
“I am not looking at you any special way.”
“Sure.” She doesn't believe me. She yawns, and I see the tiredness in her eyes. It has gotten worse the sicker her mother gets. Every now and then she shivers with a little emotion, and I can tell she is thinking about her mother.
I fold myself into a sitting position. She does not like it when I stand while she sits. “I really don't want to go to school.” Tomorrow is Monday, the beginning of another week of school for her. And another day of running and waiting for me.
“I could come with you,” I suggest. She laughs.
“Yeah, that would go over well. I don't know what it was like when you were alive, but nowadays you have to have a social security card, birth certificate. All that stuff. You can't just show up and go to school. Besides, you look way too old to be even be a senior.”
“I don't want you to be uncomfortable. I could work it out. If you wanted.” It could be easily done, with Viktor's help.
“You would go to high school to be with me.” Her energy is skeptical. A curl flops over her ear. I tuck it away and she blushes. The need for her blood surges, but I push it back. It hovers in the back of my mind, beating its black wings at me.
“Yes.” Of course I would. I experience that soul-tearing coldness every time I am not within twenty feet of her. I have not become used to it yet, but I am willing to go through the pain of leaving her because I do not want to own her.
“That's really sweet, Peter. But I wouldn't subject you to the horror of modern high school. Even if it would be hilarious.” She giggles, laying back on her pillows.
“You should get to sleep.”
“I know.”
According to our nightly routine, I pick a book from the stack she gets me at the library. It's the most recent book in the series about the time traveling woman and her Scottish warrior. Time travel intrigues me.
She is restless, having disturbing thoughts. I can't pinpoint what they are, but I have an idea. Her mother.
For a moment, I think about my own mother, Ellen. That last time I saw her. I try not to think about that last time. I try to think of her as she was. Putting her pearls on in the mirror before an evening out dancing with my father, her black hair tumbling from many hairpins. I let the memory drift away, like mist.
“Goodnight, Ava.”
“Goodnight, Peter.” Her thoughts continue to swirl, like water going down a drain. I go back to my book, listening to her breathe. Instead of slowing down, it speeds up, and I recognize she is in distress. I wait until she thrashes in her blankets to intervene.
I touch her warm shoulder. When she's sleeping is when I want her blood the most. “Ava?” Her arms curl around her stomach, and her eyes open reluctantly.
“Mm?” She pretends to be sleepy. As if she doesn't want me to know she is having a hard time.
“Talk to me.” I want her to believe I am the one who needs her.
Her voice is muffled against her pillow. “About what?”
“Anything. I just want to hear your voice.”
She rolls over to face me. “Why? You want to kill me.”
“Always.” I will never lie to her about something like that. I have Claimed her, which protects her from any other noctalis. Except me.
“What are you thinking about?” I want her to share her turmoil with me. Let me take some of it from her.
“I'm just...” She wipes her hand across her forehead, looking for the right words. “I'm afraid of losing you. I'm afraid of losing my mother and losing you and I'll have nothing left.” Her voice is full of tears. I can smell them on her cheeks. I did not think that I was what she was worried about.
“You are not going to lose me.” Where would I go?
“How do I know that?” She sits up, tears streaming from her eyes. “You tell me I'm beautiful and then you keep looking at me, and it scares me. I told my mother about you and she got sick. I just ruin everything. You should just go.” She wipes her tears with the edge of her comforter.
“And Di is going to come up with something or Ivan will do something –” I cut her off.
“Ivan is in Las Vegas. And you need not worry about Di.” She shakes her head.
“Ava,” I say. I get up and sit on the edge of her bed. She reaches out for me and I draw her toward me. I must pick the right words, like ripe apples from a tree.
“I feel for you. I feel so many ways about you. So many other things than what would hurt me. I adore you. I cherish you. I desire you. I care for you. That is all I need. It's more than I thought I would have, in this existence. I don't need more, so I will not seek it.” She grips me tight.
Her head goes under my chin, fitting like a key inside a lock. “How can you stop it? How can that other stuff be enough?”
“It is. It is far more than I deserve.” I deserve nothing.
“Everyone deserves love.” She sniffs and I pull a tissue from the box that sits beside her bed. “Well, maybe not child molesters and serial killers, but everyone else.”
“The world does not owe me anything. That is one of the failings of many humans, I think. They believe the world owes them something.” She blows her nose and tosses the tissue in the trash. I want to lick the rest of the tears from her cheeks, but I stay silent.
She turns her face up. It is blotchy and her eyes are swollen, but she is still exquisite. “You know I love you.” It is the first she has said it out loud.
“Yes.” Yes, yes, yes. Always yes.
“Don't you care that I love you, but you can't love me back?” Always yes.
“I do, but it is not my biggest concern.”
“What is your biggest concern?” She pulls back so she can watch my face.
“Keeping you safe. That overwhelms any feeling I might want to have for you.” She wipes her eyes again.
“But I want to keep you safe,” she says.
“You cannot.”
“Yeah, that's right, because I'm a weak little human.” She tries to break away from the grasp of my arms, but I won't let her.
“No. Because if something will happen to me, then it will happen.”
“I don't want it to.” My stubborn Ava.
“I know.”
“I just love you and I don't want to lose you.” Her tears return.
“I know.”
“Would you stop saying that?” I know she is going to lunge at me, and I let her. Her lips mash against mine and her smell floods my nose. I kiss her back, letting her emotions bolster my own, making us both want.
More, more, more.
I have to push her away so I don't bite her lips to get to her blood. Her skin is like paper, so easily torn. A membrane that impedes my access.
“Have some.” She holds out her wrist. Of course she can sense my need.
“No.”
“Goddammit, I know you need it because my stomach is killing me.” She tries to push me away. I let her. She's crying again. “Will you promise me something?” I do not make promises lightly, but would make an exception for her.
“That would depend on what it was.”
“I want you to promise me that you'll look for a way. A way to break this curse. Because I swear, if I lose you, I'm never going to forgive you. I'll curse your name for the rest of my life.” It is the only threat she can make. She has little leverage, and she knows it. But the threat that she would curse me is enough. The image of her miserable is enough.
“I can promise to try.”
“Not good enough.” I recognize that face. She is determined. As usual.
“Ava.”
“Don't even.” She puts her hand up as if trying to stop me. “You got me into this whole thing. You made me fall in love with you, and now I want you to fix this. Because I can't lose you. I won't let it happen. I want to be with you, as insane as that sounds. I know you're like, way older and it's creepy and illegal, if you were a human. I know I'm going to have to give you blood and that there will be times when you do things I can't be a part of. But I don't care. I want to be a part of it. I want to be a part of you.” She snags her hand in her hair in frustration.
I need a moment to think. Even though my thoughts move faster than hers, the rapid spray of her words leaves me silent.
“It's not happening is it?” She takes my hands, turning them over.
“No. I was thinking.”
“Oh.” The blood rushes to her face, and I want to reach out and take it. I want it almost more than I want to promise her. Almost, but not quite.
“I never felt that way about anyone when I was alive. There was a girl in town that I used to walk home. She lived across the street and her laugh was so loud, I could hear it from my porch. I used to try and peek in her bedroom window, but I never got a glimpse of her. The legend of the vampire, such as it is, paints us as lascivious creatures with a lust for sex as much as a lust for blood. That is another myth. While there are some noctali, who, I am sure, take part in those activities, I am not one of them.” Her face flames with color at the mention of sex.
“Is this some sort of crazy way to tell me you're a virgin? Can you even, um, do that?” She's still holding my hands. Her's pulse with her heart. A ribbon of embarrassment runs from her to me. It took me a while to understand that was the uncomfortable emotion she had quite frequently. It is not an emotion I can feel for myself.
“I am trying to tell you that I have never felt that way about anyone. But if it would be anyone who could make me feel it, it would be you. You would be worth it. So yes, to everything you asked. I promise to find a solution.” While this is not a binding promise, since Ava is not a noctalis, I still feel the weight of it settling over my shoulder like a cape.
“Good.” She lets out a breath, expelling her scent all over me. I want to wrap myself in it and drown. She puts her hands around mine. They are so small, my fingers jut out above hers.
“Would you stay here with me?”
“I will always stay with you.”
“I mean here.” She motions to her bed.
“I don't know if that would be a good idea.”
Her hand drops mine. “Oh, well. It was just an idea. You can go back to your book.” She turns her back, sliding back down under the blankets. The rejections stings her.
“A few feet closer shouldn't do too much damage.” Surprised, she turns over. I have been working on my sarcasm.
“Are you sure? You could have a little, if you wanted.” She pushes her arm toward me.
“That would only whet my appetite.” I would kill her, if I took some now.
“Oh, right.” She watches as I lay next to her, pulling one pillow behind my back. I am never uncomfortable, but I want her to think that I am comfortable. Her scent wafts up from the sheets, surrounding me in a cloud. She turns on her side, looking up at me.
“Only if you're sure.”
“I am sure,” I say, picking my book up. She lays as far from me as she can get without falling off the bed. I will bring her closer when she falls asleep.
“Go to sleep. We will talk in the morning.”
“Okay. Goodnight Peter.” She rolls onto her side, her back facing me.
“Goodnight, Ava-Claire.”
She falls asleep and I think about promises and how to keep them.