Chapter 5
“What do you mean? How did that happen?” Aspen stood with her hands hooked on her narrow hips, a look of disgust twisting her pale face.
“I was distracted and he snatched it away.”
“Are you all right?” Rebecca asked, her fingers grazing my elbow.
I couldn’t look her in the eye. She had no idea that I’d let her down, that I’d lost the note from Burt. Even though I was hesitant to help him, he’d trusted me the moment I put that envelope in my purse. If Rebecca didn’t respond, he’d assume her silence was a message, a decision of some sort. He wouldn’t know the truth.
I couldn’t let that happen. They’d been through enough already.
“I think I bruised my bottom,” I replied, “but I’ll be fine. I’m just afraid of what Leandra will say.”
“She won’t be pleased, that’s for sure,” Aspen said, pursing her lips together. “How much money did you lose?”
“Twenty-five dollars.”
Both women sighed. With eight wives and twenty-nine children to support now that Rebecca and her boys had joined our family, money was tight in our household. Lehi worked a minimum of fifty hours per week on construction projects both in and outside of the compound. I didn’t want to add to his exhaustion or work load.
“She’ll ground me, won’t she?” I asked, starting to panic. If Leandra didn’t allow me to leave the compound, I’d never get my purse from Porter, or be able to visit the clinic each month. I’d be pregnant by fall.
No, no, no, no, no!
It was happening again. My chest tightened, my cheeks turned hot, and the room spun in circles. Another panic attack.
“Brinley?”
I knew Rebecca was standing next to me, but her voice sounded as if she were whispering to me from the end of a long, narrow tunnel. I was slipping away.
“Come on,” Aspen said, wrapping an arm around my waist. “Shh, breathe. You’re safe. You’re all right.”
But I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t settle down. I knew I wasn’t all right.
“What’s going on?” a shrill voice demanded.
Leandra walked in with Gloria in tow, the second wife. In my head, I referred to Gloria as “the shadow” because she was constantly in Leandra’s wake. She didn’t say much, but I knew not to cross her. Her loyalty to Leandra and Lehi was paramount to her, even above her own five children.
Aspen glanced up. “Something awful happened today. Brinley was robbed.”
“Robbed? Oh sweet Lord above, are you all right, girl?” Leandra moved to my other side and slipped her arm around my waist to keep me upright.
I hated when she called me “girl.” It was just another assertion of her superiority as the first wife. Aspen and I were both called “girl” on occasion, and I knew it grated on Aspen’s nerves as much as it did on mine.
But that was the least of my worries. I was having a hard enough time focusing on the wallpaper of the kitchen, just trying to breathe, rather than worry about what Leandra had called me.
“She’ll be all right,” Aspen said. “It wasn’t her fault. The man had a gun.”
My heart twisted a little tighter inside my chest. Aspen had lied! She never lied.
And I was the cause of it.
I was affecting so many people—Rebecca, and now Aspen—with my irresponsibility.
Gloria gasped.
“A gun? Oh my word.” Leandra clasped her hand to her mouth, tightening her grip on my arm. “How did you get away?”
Aspen paused. “She ran. I, myself, am amazed at her bravery. Don’t you agree?”
“Yes, uh—of course,” Leandra conceded, then turned her focus on me. “I’m so glad you’re safe.”
“Mon—mon . . .” I tried to speak, but couldn’t enunciate the word.
“What is she saying?” Leandra turned toward me and pinned me with her eyes, making my heart race even faster.
“She’s afraid,” Aspen said. “That you’ll be upset with her about losing the money.”
“Oh.”
“Even though it wasn’t her fault,” Aspen added.
Her words placed a protective cloak on the top of my scalp, one that slid down to cover my body all the way to my toes. She was protecting me from Leandra’s anger, defending me in a way I’d never expected.
Gradually my pulse slowed and the harsh pain in my chest began to dissipate. The voices of my sister wives became louder and less muffled. The tunnel disappeared and the fuzzy objects in my line of vision sharpened. I could see the concern in Leandra’s narrowed eyes, and feel her compassion as she stroked my shoulder.
“I’m not upset, of course not. The outside world is a dangerous place. That’s what I’ve been telling you all for years. We’re so lucky to be a part of the chosen.”
“I agree,” Aspen said, stroking my hair. “Will you tell Lehi?”
“Well, of course,” Leandra said, taking a step away. “It would be dishonest not to. He deserves to know about the money and that one of his wives was in danger.”
Still not trusting myself to speak, I shook my head back and forth violently, my silent way of begging Leandra to keep this to herself.
“I’m sorry, dear.” She stroked my arm again. “I have to. Now, go lie down. We’ll take care of supper while you rest.”
Nodding through my tears, I reached for Aspen’s hand and walked to my room. Without a word, I threw myself on the bed, knowing that Lehi would forbid me from my weekly errands. And then what would I have to look forward to?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
“I’m sorry, Brinley.” Aspen sat on the bed next to me and stroked my hair. “I tried.”
“I know. Please, just—just give me a moment, all right?” I whimpered through my sobs.
“Of course.”
The door closed with a soft click and my tears soaked the pillow. I dreaded the inevitable conversation I would have with my husband later that evening.
? ? ?
It didn’t take long. The familiar knock on the door arrived sooner than expected. I’d finally wiped away my tears, changed my pillowcase, and splashed cold water on my face, desperately trying to figure out a plan to get my bag back from Porter.
“Brinley.” Lehi ducked his head inside the room. His voice was flat, his posture rigid.
“Yes, come in.” I sat on the edge of the bed, awaiting my punishment, staring at the beige carpeting below my feet.
“Leandra told me what happened.” He cleared his throat and placed his hands in the pockets of his cardigan sweater.
“Yes, sir.” I still couldn’t look at him, terrified that another panic attack would swarm my body and mind.
“You must have been frightened.”
I nodded, biting my lower lip to prevent tears.
“I’m so relieved you weren’t hurt.” He began to pace across my small room, back and forth, back and forth. “The outside world can be a terrible place. People will do anything to get what they want. I guess you learned that the hard way.”
Again, I nodded as he cleared his throat once again. I knew what was coming, knew what my punishment would be. Devastated, I deflated before his eyes.
“From now on, you may not go into town unaccompanied.”
There it was. My heart crashed into my belly. It was over. It was done. I would forever be trapped in this cage of a home. Tears stung at the corners of my eyes, demanding to be released.
“I’ll speak to the prophet. Perhaps one of the guards will be able to escort you into town each week.”
Amazed, I instantly perked up. I wasn’t being punished. Lehi was still allowing me to go into town. I wanted to praise the Lord above right then and there, but knew better than to let my true feelings be known.
“Thank you,” I said, tamping down my enthusiasm. The last thing I needed was Lehi questioning my motives for visiting town. Especially since I needed to go . . . and soon.
And then it hit me. Lehi said that one of the guards would escort me, and Samuel was one of those guards. He was Porter’s best friend years ago before Porter left the community. Perhaps he knew where I could find him.
I smiled inside at the thought of retrieving my bag, my secret, and Rebecca’s letter.
“I’m happy to see you smile. It’s been a while,” Lehi muttered, kissing the top of my head absentmindedly.
“Thank you, Lehi,” I said. “And I’m so sorry about losing your money.”
“Don’t worry about that.” He glanced back at the closed door before returning my gaze. In a half whisper, he said, “Here, take this.” He placed a twenty dollar bill in the palm of my hand. “When you’re ready, you can go to the pharmacy. I have something I’d like you to purchase.”
Reaching into his pocket, he retrieved a folded piece of paper and handed it to me. His cheeks reddened slightly as I opened the folded advertisement. The model looking back at me had lips the color of a ripe plum, deep and dark. Her lashes were long and the color of night. I stared at the paper in my hand, its edge ragged, obviously torn from a magazine.
We weren’t allowed to have magazines or books or television. Newspapers were forbidden to everyone but the prophet. My eyes widened and met Lehi’s, silently asking where it came from. But the lack of connection between my husband and me prevented him from understanding my body language.
I paused a moment, then asked, “Um, where did—”
“On a job site. An obstetrician’s office. We’re remodeling the waiting area.” He shrugged, apparently not embarrassed or upset with me for asking, which was a relief. I didn’t want to anger him when he was being kind to me. “It made me think of you, and I’d like you to buy this.”
“The lipstick?” I croaked, attempting not to shudder at the sultry nature of the shade.
“Yes. And anything else from Leandra’s original list that you would like to wear.”
I didn’t want to wear any of it, but I nodded and hid my disgust. We’d only been married three years, and already I’d grown tired of his treating me like a doll. Maybe I could love him if he saw me . . . the real me. Not the painted face he insisted upon.
“I’ll speak to the prophet this evening,” he said. “Perhaps you can go into town tomorrow.”
“But—” I interrupted, hoping he wouldn’t become angry with me.
“Yes?”
“If you’re sending someone with me, they’ll know”—I gestured to the advertisement in my hand—“about this.”
“Oh. Well, let me handle that. I’ll specify that they should wait for you outside any store you visit.”
“Yes, sir,” I muttered, masking my elation at the possibility of tracking down Porter. I could only hope the prophet wouldn’t assign someone to accompany me, that I’d be able to ask one of the guards myself.
And I would ask Samuel.
Perhaps there was hope for me yet.