“No, I’m not reconsidering.” That’s the one thing I’m sure of. That I want to live in Pearl Lake. Allie and Tawny have become my friends. My brother is there, and Dillion has asked me to be one of her bridesmaids in the fall when they get married. And of course, there’s Aaron.
I set my tea on the table and pull the stone out of my pocket, running my thumb over the smooth surface. Aaron gave it to me the first time I saw him after we talked about putting our relationship on pause. It’s a pink stone in the shape of a heart. He said it reminded him of me, and I’ve taken to carrying it with me everywhere. “Aaron.”
When I don’t say anything else, she raises a single eyebrow. “What about Aaron worries you? Has he been putting pressure on you one way or the other?”
She knows about our relationship and his history. She also knows how hard it’s been for me to toe the friendship line. Aaron and I have chemistry. It’s been a challenge to ignore it. “No, none. He’s honestly been great.”
“So is it Aaron you’re worried about or you?” she asks.
I flip the stone between my fingers. “I guess it’s me,” I sigh.
“What about you and Aaron worries you?”
“If I’m in Pearl Lake overnight, I’m going to want to spend it with Aaron.”
“Are you ready to spend a night with Aaron?”
“My body is ready. It’s been seven months.”
Edith chuckles and shakes her head. “Fair. Can you handle the emotional ramifications of a night with Aaron? And do you feel like you’re capable of stepping back into a relationship with him that is no longer just platonic?”
I scrub a hand over my face. “I want to be.”
“Is wanting to be enough?”
I sigh. “I don’t know.”
“I think the more important question here is this: Does avoiding staying in Pearl Lake make it impossible for you to figure out if you are or aren’t ready for the next step?” She takes a sip of her tea and waits for me to digest that.
“Maybe?”
“Let’s unpack that a little more.”
“If I don’t stay in Pearl Lake, I can’t end up back at Aaron’s, and we can’t be alone together.”
“But you would like to be alone with Aaron.”
I throw my hands in the air. “Of course I would. I haven’t had more than a hug from him in months. But if I’m alone with him, I’m worried that I’m going to want to hug him while I’m naked, and I’m worried that he’s going to tell me he doesn’t want to hug me when I’m naked. Or worse, that he’s going to tell me that we should just be friends.”
“Is that fear logical?”
“Probably not, since he’s always poking me in the stomach with his man-dangle if I hug him too long,” I mutter.
That gets another chuckle out of her. “Okay. So here’s my next question for you, Teagan. Why is there no in-between?”
“What do you mean, no in-between?”
“Relationships progress. You go on a date; maybe on the first one there’s a good-night kiss. There’s a second date; maybe that kiss turns into something else, but does it have to be all or nothing? You are doing very well, Teagan. You’ve made great gains over the past six months. You’ve put yourself first and made your own goals and needs a priority.”
“I don’t want to mess this up with him.”
“I understand that, but all relationships are a risk. That you’re here, talking about your fears and wants, tells us both something, don’t you think?”
“It’s not about jumping in with both feet.”
“That’s right. It’s not all or nothing. Dip a toe in. Have the discussion with him. Tell him where you are and what you want.”
“But not that I want to naked hug him.”
“I wouldn’t lead with that, since your relationship with him is about more than sex. The first step is staying in Pearl Lake overnight at your brother’s. You’ve established a solid friendship. He’s a great source of support for you, and you’ve been the same for him. If you think you’re ready, try going on a date. Allow yourself new boundaries.”
“So we should start dating?” I flip the pink stone heart between my fingers.
“If you feel ready, then yes.”
I exhale my worries. “I feel ready.”
On Saturday morning I wake up bright and early and head to Pearl Lake. It was hard not to tell Aaron I’m staying overnight, especially when he seemed resigned to the fact that all he was going to get this weekend was a couple of hours at dinner with Dillion and Van, and maybe a walk by the water, before I drove back to Chicago.
I spend the morning going over all the details for the first farmers’ market with the hockey wives. I half expected them to lose steam or interest along the way, but they’re as committed as ever. They’ve been amazing to work with, and they’re so much fun.
Afterward, I head to town hall to meet with Bernadette, and once I’m done there, I hop back in my car. All day I’ve been getting messages from Aaron asking when he’ll get to see me, followed by endless hug GIFs.
I message him to let him know I’m on my way to Van’s place, and by the time I get there, Aaron’s truck is already parked in front of the garage. He’s clearly just arrived as well, because he gets out of the truck as I pull my car in beside him.
I barely have a chance to open the door before he’s there, wrapping his arms around me. “I’m sorry. I have no chill. I missed you. And everyone monopolizes your time when you’re here. I want one really long hug before I have to share you for the rest of the evening.”
I allow myself to be enveloped in his embrace. He truly has been so patient and understanding. His scruff tickles my skin as he lifts me off my feet and continues to hug me.
He hasn’t shaved since I put us on pause. There was an occasion early on when we first started seeing each other where he hadn’t shaved for a few days. I ended up with the wickedest chafed chin thanks to stubble burn. He figured if he didn’t get to kiss me anyway, what was the point in shaving? And it seemed to be a mild deterrent for making bad choices that might feel good.
But the truth is, although it hasn’t been easy to stay in the friend zone, all I had to do was remind myself that I needed to be a better version of myself before I could go there again with him. I wanted to be a partner in the true sense.
And I feel like I’m finally there.
He sets me back on my feet. “Hey.”
I laugh. “Hi. And I missed you too.”
His eyes roam my face. “You look beautiful.”
“And you look scruffy.” I reach up and stroke his beard. I actually like it, but he said he’s going to have to shave it soon, because the facial hair is too much for the summer heat.
“How was your day? How was the meeting with the hockey wives? Everything look good for the farmers’ market?”
“Everything looks good.” I pop the trunk.
“Did you make biscuits, or muffins? The ones that taste like doughnuts with the jam in the middle?” He rounds the car and stops dead when he sees what’s inside the trunk. His gaze bounces from me to the trunk and back again. “Are you staying?”
“For the night.”