“So you are breaking up with me, then.” His voice is hoarse and low, and when I glance up at him, his expression nearly shatters my resolve. He looks almost as heartbroken as I feel. Which is how I know what I’m about to say next is the right thing.
“More like hitting the pause button. Again.” I blow out a breath. “I don’t ever want to go down the path I was on again. I don’t want to do that to myself, or you, or us. And for there to be an us, I need more time to work on this.” I motion to myself. “You deserve a better version of me.”
“I’ll love every version of you.”
I smile, but it’s weighed down with sadness. “You’ve been through a lot, Aaron. And so have I. I think we can be great together, but I’m not where I need to be for that to work. And it’s going to be a while before I’m there, maybe longer than you’re willing to wait.”
“How long we talking? Weeks? Months? Years?” He twists a napkin until it tears, then folds his hands on the table.
“Hopefully not years, but it could be a year. It could be less, but I can’t set a deadline, because I honestly don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to get where I need to be emotionally and mentally. I need to learn how to say no and how to stand on my own before I can be someone’s girlfriend.”
“What does that mean for us?”
“It means we can be friends, and if you’re still interested in trying to be more than that when I’m in the right place, then we can try to be an us again. I’m not asking for promises, though, Aaron. I know that’s not reasonable, and a lot can change between now and then, especially when we don’t know how far away then is.”
He rubs his bottom lip. “I don’t think I’m going out on a limb if I assume that this is a friends-without-benefits situation.”
I chuckle, glad for the moment of levity. “You would be correct.”
“I guess I should have kissed you when I had the chance, then, huh?” He blows out a breath and gives his head a shake, glancing up at me from under his lashes. “I know you’re not asking for promises, but I’ll take friends until you’re ready for more. However long that takes.”
CHAPTER 30
NEW BEGINNINGS AGAIN
Teagan
Over the months that follow, I settle into a new routine.
Living with my dad this time around is different. In a lot of ways, it feels like he’s stepping into his dad shoes in the way I need him to. And I’m learning to accept the help and let the roles reverse, allowing myself to be taken care of instead of being the one to take care of everyone else except myself. At first I worry about the impact I’m going to have on his relationship with Danielle, but the more I get to know her, the more I come to see that she’s a great partner for him, and while I don’t need someone to fill the mom-shaped hole in my heart, she’s become someone I feel comfortable with.
I learn how to say no when it feels like I’m putting too much on my plate. It’s hard at first, but the more I do it, the easier it gets. I learn what I can handle and when it’s too much.
And that’s not isolated to my jobs but is also true for the people in my life. I let my dad step in and help mediate my relationship with Bradley, who has also been surprisingly supportive, giving me hope that with time, our family can repair the fractured bonds and be whole again. While Van isn’t ready to talk to Bradley and he isn’t sure when, or if, he ever will be, he’s supportive of my role in our brother’s life, which is a relief.
With a heavy heart, I quit all my jobs in Pearl Lake, and I work for the Stitches on a contract basis. I only work on a few projects at a time. And I’m in charge of organizing and running the farmers’ market in Pearl Lake, which sounds like a lot, but since it’s winter and the market won’t start up again until May, I have lots of time to get everything organized, especially since we’re holding it twice a month now.
And it allows me to focus on what’s important, which is learning how to avoid overwhelming myself by taking on too much. I go to therapy on a weekly basis.
I do most of my work for the Stitches remotely, but once a week, barring bad weather, I make the trip out to Pearl Lake. I don’t stay the night most of the time, though. Sometimes I meet Van or Aaron for lunch; other times I have dinner with Dillion and the girls. It’s nice. But I always go back home after that.
It’s a Wednesday afternoon in April, and I’m answering emails regarding the first farmers’ market of the season. When my alarm goes off at three, I finish up my email and close my laptop. Typically I have set hours that I work, but I have therapy on Wednesday afternoon.
Aside from Wednesdays, and with the exception of any emergencies, of which there are very few, I work from eight until six, Monday to Friday. The weekends are reserved for me and my family. It’s not always easy, and there are times when I struggle, or wake up in the middle of the night and fight with myself not to get up and jump on the computer. But I’m in a much better place than I was six months ago, and that’s what’s important.
Little gains and small steps forward are what I strive for.
I make the drive to see my therapist. Most of my sessions are over video chat, since she’s outside Chicago, but once a month I head to her home office and we discuss my medication, how I’m sleeping, and how I’m coping.
Her office is cozy, and there’s already a cup of chamomile tea waiting for me.
“How are things? The farmers’ market starts up next month, doesn’t it? Are you feeling any stress over that?” Edith asks.
“Over the market? Not really. I have lots of help from some of the women in Pearl Lake. Some of them have experience running events, so they’ve been a great support.” I’ve gotten a lot better at delegating. And Stevie and Queenie, two of the hockey wives, have this way about them that makes me feel like nothing I ask is ever too much for them.
“That’s wonderful. And what about the Stitches? How many contracts do you have?”
“One is wrapping up, and I have two new ones,” I tell her. “It’s the busy time of the year there, so I know the next few months are probably going to be a bit more demanding, but we’ve agreed that I won’t take on more than three projects at a time. And that it’s okay if things take longer design-wise, because they’re willing to wait until off-season to finish up projects.”
Edith smiles. “That’s great news. Now tell me what is stressing you out.”
I sip my tea and give her an arched brow. “I can’t slip anything past you, can I?”
“I wouldn’t be doing my job very well if you could.”
“I’ve been making a point of only going to Pearl Lake for the day, but I’ll have to start doing overnights soon.”
“What about that worries you? Are you reconsidering whether you want to move back there?”