Getting Real

49. Real



At home with the rental beige paint and the semi-regular ant trail, Jake knew he wouldn’t sleep. He called Bodge, woke him up, and wasn’t sorry about it.

“Where is she?”

“Mate, I’m not sure I—”

“Where is she, Bodge?”

Bodge breathed a flubber of air down the phone. “Look, last time I got involved in this, things didn’t go so good.”

Jake stood at the sink and looked out the window, as if by looking into the night sky he could find Rielle himself. “You could say that. I want to know where she is.”

“Nah, can’t see the point, Reedy. You made it pretty clear there were no second chances. She leaves in the morning anyway.”

If that was true, and he wasn’t sure he trusted Bodge, then he had no choice. “I have to see her tonight.”

“Don’t be a f*ckwit.”

He growled at Bodge. “That’s the second time I’ve had that advice in the last hour. I think I get it.”

“It doesn’t sound like you get it. She’s different you know. I dunno how to describe it. I’d say older, but without the rock chick gear, she looks younger. She’s better. It’s like she knows who she is and doesn’t have to act it out anymore.”

Jake left the sink, walked into his bedroom, “Bodge, I need to see her,” he came back out again. “I need to talk to her.”

“I dunno if that’s such a good idea. You made it clear it’s over.”

He pressed the top of his head into the hallway wall, leaned into it. “It’s not over. God help me, it’s not over.” He gave his head a thump on the plaster. He needed some way to relieve the pressure. There was silence on the line. “Bodge, are you there?”

He could hear Bodge talking on another phone in the room. He couldn’t make out what he was saying. He waited, frustration kicking a football in his gut, and when Bodge came back on the line he said, “She’s coming to you, Reedy. Good luck.”

Anxiety waited in the flat with Jake. It wrapped its arms around his chest and squeezed to make him short of breath. It beat against his head to make his thoughts scramble, it made his confidence a weak thing cast from flimsy fabric. She was coming to him; here to the flat, to the ants and the flickering bulb; to his life, far less glamorous, far less rich and full of possibility than hers.

He didn’t have a clue what to say to Rielle. No idea if he could get past the hurt of her rejection and the knowledge she no longer needed him. No idea how not to be a f*ckwit and screw this up.

When he opened the door to her, he saw the Rielle of his dreamscape. She smiled and colours changed, taking on a brilliance he’d not been able to see without her. In her eyes was the promise of something near to holy; in her body, the concept of heaven. And when she spoke he heard the most seductive music calling to his soul.

She said, “Hello Jake,” just like they were simply old friends meeting up again, like he might happily welcome her.

The loss of her, the change in her, struck him with the unrelenting force of all his old fears and he forgot how to manage them, forgot he’d wanted to see her. He felt the ground cut out from beneath him and panicked, f*cking it up by snarling, “What do you want from me?”

Hearing the coldness in Jake’s voice and seeing his defensiveness as he blocked the doorway, Rielle armed herself with a deep breath and steeled herself with courage to see this one last unexpected chance through. With Bodge’s phone call, retreat suddenly became advance. But now, hearing Jake tense and bitter, she was struck again with how much she’d wounded him and how little her apology would mean. It winded her so her voice came out small and uncertain.

“I want to tell you how sorry I am about what I did to you.”

“A little late with that aren’t you?” He forced the words out through a tightly clenched jaw. “Anyway, I heard you at the pub. And I then got it again from my f*cking mother. Did you tell her you f*cked me over before or after you offered her money?” he snapped, then grinned savagely when she flinched. “Never mind, you’ve done your duty. I heard you. Go home.”

Rielle stood in a circle of light in the passageway outside Jake’s flat. She thought he might slam the door on her. She stood her ground. Anything less than making him understand she was sorry was unacceptable, anything more was unfathomable.

“You haven’t heard me.”

“I heard nothing from you for ten months and now I’ve heard enough.”

There was ice in his stare; there were knives in his truth. She toughed it out. “You wanted to see me. I hoped we might talk.”

“What can we possibly have to talk about?”

“I think you have a lot to say.”

A muscle in Jake’s cheek jumped. He stood with one hand grasping the doorjamb, one fist furled rigid by his side, the knuckles white. He closed his eyes. “I have nothing to say to you.”

Rielle moved fast. She ducked through the door frame and under Jake’s arm making him spin around to face her, making him slam the door and shout, “You can’t be here,” at the same time he was ensuring she stayed.

“Why?” she shouted back. This was where she wanted to be, facing his anger, taking her punishment.

Both hands came up to his head. “Because I can’t take this. I can’t take you.”

“Why?” she baited him.

“You know why.”

Rielle had her hands on her hips, her wolf woman warrior pose, ready for anything. Ready to bleed if that’s what it took to prove herself to him. “If I’ve already broken you, what harm can I do now?” Her voice was hard, her own anger, born of fear, now coming to the surface.

Jake stood with his back against the door, the tension in his shoulders popping the muscles in his neck and arms.

“Rand once told me if I broke you I’d have to pay. Well, here I am, Jake. Make me pay.”

In one blink he was in front of her, aggressively towering over her, forcing her to jerk her head up to see his face. “Are you seriously trying to kill me?” he shouted, face contorted.

She looked into his eyes, so dark and hard. “I’m trying to explain.”

“I thought I got you. I was so f*cking wrong. I thought you were a goddess, but you’re a heartless bitch.”

She sucked in a breath. “I’m sorry.”

“You were cruel and deceitful and vindictive.”

“I was all that and I’m sorry.”

“You took away all the things that made sense to me.”

She said, “I’m sorry,” and she’d keep on saying it until he heard it and understood it. Jake was breathing heavily as though his lungs were full of water, as though he might drown in his anger. “You stole my sleep, you gave me endless nights.”

“I wanted you to forget me. You weren’t supposed to love me so much. I’m sorry.”

“F*cking hell. How could I forget you? You were my fixed point, my sanity.”

She said, “I didn’t understand and I’m sorry,” and she’d keep on saying it until he let her love him again, even if it took the rest of her life. She had no idea what else she was meant to live for.

Jake was being a f*ckwit and he knew it and he couldn’t stop it happening. He wanted to shake Rielle til she rattled. Shake her til everything he loved about her was sprayed all over the floor where he could stamp on it, crush it once and for all, and never need to feel like this again—like he was being ripped in two, like he might never be a whole man again.

“You—” There was a roar building in his head and heat filling his body. He couldn’t look at her anymore, look at the tears filming her eyes or watch her breath coming in snatches as he beat her down with his words. He recognised how close to tears he was himself and turned away. “I can’t forgive you.”

Rielle stepped up close behind him. He could smell her perfume, not the complex fragrance of cosmetics, something simpler and softer. She put her hands against his back and God help him, he shifted his weight into her palms.

“I’m sorry, Jake. I get it.”

His voice shook when he said, “I wanted to forgive you. I thought I could. I don’t have it in me.”

She slid her hands around his waist and his head dropped forward. “I’m sorry.” It was a whisper caught in her sob.

He put his hands on top of hers. She must’ve thought he was going to peel her off and fling her away. She braced, but he pressed his hands down, running them along her arms, grasping her elbows and dragging her closer to him so she was pressed against the length of his body. It was torture. It was heaven. It was hell.

“If I can’t have you, I can’t forgive you,” he said. And when he felt her shudder, he released her arms and turned to look at her. “We can’t do this, Rie.”

“What do you want?” She sobbed as he stepped away, curling in on herself, hugging her sadness.

“I’m like an idiot kid.” He pulled at his hair in frustration. “I want something that’s not real. I want what we’d started to build.”

She straightened up. “What if you could have that?”

He growled. “I can’t. It was a lie. It was just another performance to you.”

“No, that’s wrong. It was never about that with you. I loved you. I still do. It’s why I ran. It’s why I’m here.”

She lied—she had to be lying still. Jake kept his voice low, kept his eyes on her, trying to read the truth in her face. “You’ve changed. I can see you’re stronger now. It’s hard for me to imagine how you remade yourself. But I know you don’t need me anymore, if you ever did.”

Rielle’s chin lifted. Her face was wet, ravaged by tears. “You’re right. I don’t need you, but I want you. I choose you. I’m not whole without you.”

All the fight had leached out of him. All his anger deadened. “I told you, I don’t have anything for you.”

“You are everything that’s real to me.”

“Look at me. This is me. This is my real life.” Jake flung his arms open to take in the dowdy room, his second-hand furniture and the cracked tiles on the galley kitchen floor. “I have ants, unpaid bills, an empty fridge and blown bulbs. I have a job I hate and a family that depends on me and no f*cking idea how to get my life back on track.” He dropped his arms, slapping them against his sides, making Rielle start at the sudden movement. “And I’m no one’s charity case.”

Rielle closed her eyes to concentrate, to shut out the distractions. Of all the difficulties she’d faced, of all the fears she’d conquered, the thought that Jake might simply never understand, never forgive her, and never allow her into his life again in even the smallest way, made her feel a cold clutching terror. She would never find another Jake. Never know the same force of strength and calm, the same sense of kindness and courage as she’d found in him. She did what she always did when she was frightened—she dug down deep and fought as hard as she could.

“A man I loved with all my twisted, sinister heart told me he’d help me. And when I didn’t trust him, he showed me again and again with his unconditional love he’d do right by me.”

Rielle opened her eyes and stepped forward. Jake was right there in front of her. He was real, not a memory. She could touch his beautiful body again. She spread her hand gently across his ribs and accepted his flinch as a reprimand.

“You told me and you showed me, you loved me totally, completely.” She thought he might step away again but he held her eyes. “And I did the most f*cked up thing I’ve ever done in my adult life. I threw that love in your face and I ran and I did it because I thought I was doing right by you.”

“Rie, stop.” He shook his head. He was looking down at her hand rising and falling on his breath.

“I did it because I didn’t want to drag you down, didn’t think I could ever be real enough, true enough, good enough for you.”

“Stop.” He stepped away. She closed her hand to keep his warmth in her palm.

She wasn’t going to let him go without breaking herself first. “I love you. I don’t care where you live or what you do. I want to be with you. Please don’t run like I did, Jake.”

He sighed deeply, his eyes were red veined and swollen.

“If you run, I swear I will chase you down, stalk you like a groupie and I’ll keep on coming for you until you forgive me or you force me to leave.”

Jake didn’t know how to tell Rielle that right now he was doing the most f*cked up thing he’d ever done in his life. Pushing her away, without knowing how to stop himself. They were both breathing heavily now, as though each new breath taken was enough to keep them separated. He shook his head again and again, he couldn’t hear himself think through the goddamn roaring, through the crippling panic.

It was kiss or kill all over again. He had the choice. She was one incredible woman, provoking two extreme responses. She stood there, taking responsibility, facing up to his anger, admitting her fault, and giving him one last chance to jump into this thing and not f*ck it up forever.

She was in his heart; she was in his head; she was his true north and he was so f*cking lost without her, afraid his life would be pale and empty and half lived. He hated her. He loved her. He’d forgive her anything. He jumped.

“What you see is what you get, Rie.” He gasped. “I’m not like you, I can’t be anything else, I’m just this ordinary man.”

“There’s nothing ordinary about you, Jake. I want you. I don’t want anything else.” She pushed against his chest. “I need you to understand. I only hurt you because I loved you, because I didn’t believe I could change and I didn’t want to destroy you.”

Rielle looked up, and the honesty Jake saw in the depth of her green eyes took his doubt and gave it moth wings to fly away.

“This new you, do I get it all or just what you choose to show me?”

“All of me Jake, the goddess and the bitch.”

“I love them both. I always did. But if you ever shut me out like that again, I will kill you,” he said roughly, pulling Rielle into his arms. He crushed her hard against his chest and tucked her close to his frantic, panicked heart. He curled his fist in her hair, dragging her head back until he was kissing her with no restraint and the roaring in his head dissolved into notes of sweet music.

There were no more if onlys.

Jake’s kiss woke the fire in Rielle, changed the nature of the burn. No longer retribution’s price, no longer scalding her painfully, but lighting her where her body met his, inflaming her passion and igniting her future.

This was everything. What this man made her feel and only this man. And this is what she wanted. A chance to build a life and a home with this man who made her feel safe, who made her feel whole, who would challenge her and question her, love her and comfort her. And who’d let her be herself in ways she was only beginning to discover, in ways he’d always known were possible.

She knew they weren’t there yet. They weren’t anywhere together yet except bathed in hurt and soaped in tentative longing. But this was forgiveness. This was a fresh green start. And if they believed in each other, if they could learn each other all over again, they had a chance to spin something wonderful.

Straightening up to look at her, Jake passed a hand over his face. “I’m dreaming, right?” He rubbed his eyes, glassy with unshed tears. “I’m going to wake up and this is all going to be a nightmare I dredged up from the black pit of missing you like a phantom limb.” He sighed, and Rielle felt the weight of months of unrealised anguish in his voice. “Tell me you’re real, Arielle Mainline?”

She pressed both hands on Jake’s heart, trying to take a steady beat from him to settle her breath, to stop herself shaking. “I thought I’d lost you forever and that would be my punishment for hurting you.” She looked up at him, seeing his raw anticipation. “I love you so much it’s my reason to live, Jake Reed.” She thumped his chest as if to nail that truth to him, to brand him with her belief. “I’ll be your dream, I’ll be your worst nightmare, and I promise you I’ve never been more real.”


The End