“Yes, Jacob. Miss Melanie is very pretty,” I respond. There’s no sense in disputing him because he’s telling the truth. If it’s possible, she’s more beautiful now than she was when she was younger. I spent as little time as possible in Alyssa’s room while Melanie was here because I didn’t want to see the way her mocha eyes shimmer when she laughs or notice how graceful her neck looked when she pulled her dark hair into a messy pile on top of her head.
If it was any other woman on the planet, I would have no problem noticing those things, even in Alyssa’s presence. One of the traits I love the most about my wife is that she doesn’t have a jealous bone in her body when it comes to such things. She and I used to walk around the city, pointing out attractive people to one another. Male or female didn’t matter, we both appreciate the beauty of the human form. With Melanie, the guilt of not telling Alyssa about the past won’t allow me to look more than necessary because Alyssa spent too much time already living in Melanie’s shadow.
“When are you going to realize I’m not the same as the bitch that hurt you?” Alyssa screams, slamming her car door before stomping into the house. This isn’t a new fight for us and it’s getting to be more frequent as she gets closer to her due date. “Just because she walked out on you doesn’t mean I’m going to!”
I follow her inside, dropping today’s purchases inside the door. If we hadn’t gone to the mall, maybe Alyssa wouldn’t have stepped into the jewelry store. She’s done this a few times now, pointing out diamond rings and wedding bands that she likes, asking my opinion on them. I’m not stupid, I know she’s hoping I will marry her before the baby is born, but I can’t do that. When I marry, it will be for love and I don’t love Alyssa.
“Stop being a bitch,” I yell, pouring myself three fingers of whiskey, tossing it back quick enough that it burns on the way down. I refill my glass and head toward my office.
“A bitch?” Alyssa screams, throwing a bottle of shampoo at me. I reach for the bottle as it flies through the air, batting it enough to slow it down so we don’t have shampoo splattered across the hardwood floors. “You think it’s easy for me, knowing that I’m good enough for you to fuck but not good enough for you to marry? And now, I’m fucking stuck with you for the rest of my goddamned life because of a faulty condom! So yeah, maybe I am being a bitch, but only because I want my child to grow up in a home with a mother and father who are married!”
“Good for you, but I would rather my child have two parents who are sane and able to tolerate one another than be raised around this,” I scream, waving my hand in the space between us. It was a mistake for me to offer Alyssa the guest bedroom. I felt responsible when she told me she’s pregnant and asked her to live with me.
“Daddy, I’m done,” Jacob whines, tugging on my t-shirt with his wet hands. Looking down at him, I’m overcome with emotion, thinking about what a blessing he is. I never wanted kids, but now I can’t imagine what my life would be like without him. Wrapping him tightly in his dinosaur towel, I toss Jacob over my shoulder as we walk down the hall. “Can we go snuggle with Mommy for a little while tonight?” he asks as I zip his flannel pajamas. Tears threaten to fill my eyes, knowing how fleeting these moments will be in the near future.
I promised myself I wouldn’t think about what happens after she’s gone. I can tell myself all day and night that she’s going to beat the cancer this time, but I’m not a stupid man. The doctors diagnosed her as terminal two weeks ago, which means it’s just a matter of time now. I scoop my son off his bed, holding him tightly, as I carry him across the hall for story time with his mother. For now, I need to focus on helping him create a lifetime of memories.
“Hey, Buddy! Were you a good boy for Daddy?” Alyssa asks, holding out her arms to hold Jacob. Seeing how her face lights up every time he’s close to her feels like a knife in my chest. She has been an amazing mother since the moment he was born. It’s not fair to either of them that the bond they share will be severed. And Jacob is so young, I can’t help but wonder how long it will be before the memories of her begin to fade.
“Yeah, but Daddy didn’t wash my hair tonight,” Jacob says, smiling. Alyssa looks at me, shaking her head. What can I say, he hates getting his head wet and I didn’t feel like fighting with him. I have no doubt that Alyssa would have been pulling herself out of bed at the first sound of commotion, coming in to save the day. “Will you read me a story?”
Alyssa reaches for the short stack of books beside the bed, telling Jacob to pick two. As she pulls the covers over both of them, I’m torn between pulling a chair beside the bed, turning this into family time or leaving them to have some mother-son time. I opt for the latter, knowing I will have plenty of bedtimes with Jacob in the future. When I turn to look at them before closing the door, Alyssa blows me a kiss and I have to quickly leave before I fall apart.