They walked away and when Ryan stepped inside the room he was slammed with a blinding rush of pain. Nothing, nothing, had ever hurt more than seeing Fin’s slight frame, machines breathing for her, keeping her alive.
Stepping up to the bed, Ryan reached out with a trembling hand and brushed the backs of his fingers over her pale cheek. He trailed his index finger down her nose, across her eyebrows, and over her bottom lip as the machine beside her forced her lungs to inflate, in and out, over and over.
When Ryan smiled at Fin, her eyes would light up for him. When he touched her, her body came alive. Now she felt cold and lifeless, and it broke his heart.
“I’m scared that when you die that’s it. There’s nothing after that, like the entire life you lived really is all gone in the blink of an eye.”
“You can’t leave me,” he whispered thickly, fumbling blindly for her hand and taking it in his. “Can you hear me? You can’t. I won’t allow it. I need you.” Ryan drew in a deep, shaky breath, tears filling his eyes and spilling down his cheeks. “I need you,” he choked out. How did he manage to convince himself he was better off alone for so many years? Fuck that. Fuck that. If she died, so would he.
Sitting down before his legs gave out beneath him, Ryan rested his forehead on the edge of the bed, not letting go of her hand. He drew in a deep breath, and let it out slowly. “I have this image of you in my head when you were fourteen,” he told her. “Jake and I were teaching you and Rachael how to play soccer in the backyard of your parents’ house. It was late afternoon, the sun about an hour away from disappearing over the horizon. It was Jake and Rach against you and me, and we were getting our asses handed to us because sport was never your thing. It was like you had these slender limbs that were so long you couldn’t quite work out how to use them. That never really changed. Anyway, I was dribbling that ball up the side, and Jake was running at me. You called out, ‘Over here, Ryan,’ and glancing sideways I was the one that almost tripped over the damn ball.” Ryan shook his head at the memory, lifting his head to look at her still form. “You see, the sun had made this golden halo out of your long, pretty hair, and your eyes were so bright and alive as you ran alongside me. You were smiling at me like I was the only person in the whole world.” Ryan’s voice broke, but he had to keep talking. “My heart skipped a beat because it was right then, in that simple, carefree moment, when I realised I wanted to be your whole world. That everything would be okay as long as you kept looking at me like that. That’s how I remember you. But you’re not looking at me like that now, and I need you to do that. I need you to wake up and smile at me like I’m your everything, because without you, I’m not anyone’s anything.”
Ryan wiped away tears from his face, and for another hour he sat there—talking, waiting, and hoping—but Fin never stirred.
With a hard sigh, he stood and walked to the window. He stared outside, not really seeing anything. His muscles ached and even under the heavy painkillers, his injuries robbed him of breath at every movement.
Hearing a noise at the door, Ryan turned his head and his fists clenched automatically. He closed his eyes, but when he opened them again, Ian still stood frozen in the doorway like an unwanted illusion.
“Ryan,” he said, giving him a nod as he stepped inside the room.
Ryan bit down the urge to tell him to get the hell out. He didn’t want Ian here, witnessing him falling apart, reminding him of what Ian and Fin had shared.
“I saw her once, while you were away,” Ian told him. “Did she tell you that?”
Ryan shook his head mutely, not trusting himself to speak.
“She was walking down the street in this long, flowing summer dress. I caught the flash of blonde hair and called out. When she turned around it was like I’d been punched.” He stepped closer to the bed, towards Fin, his eyes running the length of her, taking in the machines, the tubes, the deep bruising under her eyes. “I felt so cheated,” he whispered—almost as though he was telling Fin and not Ryan—until Ian paused, his strained eyes finding their way to his. “She gave you what I always wanted.” Ian looked back to Fin. “Maybe I was an asshole, but you were the one that abandoned her. I’ve loved her since forever, and you …”
Don’t say it, Ian. Don’t fucking say it.
“You broke her,” Ian told him hoarsely.
A rush of anger crashed into Ryan, so overwhelming it left him dizzy. “Don’t talk about shit you know nothing about,” he growled, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he struggled to rein himself in.
“You left her!” came Ian’s cry of accusation. “I heard what you did. I wanted her. I would have given her everything, but all she ever wanted was …”
“Me,” Ryan replied when Ian trailed off, and all Ryan ever wanted was a better life for her. What a fucking mess he’d made of everything.