Ryan nodded, swallowing. Even though it wasn’t fair to put that on Fin’s shoulders, Kyle was right, but at what cost? “Was that why … did she …”
“According to the ER doctor, Fin was already in trouble and it went downhill from there. She used to fake labour pains.” Kyle huffed, shaking his head. “She’d get this little furrow in her brow and would groan and shit—do the whole belly clutch thing just so she could get her way. She got me with it every time, and for a split second it would scare the shit out of me…” Kyle paused, checking his mirrors before changing lanes “…but when we knocked on the door, she was already pale, breathing heavy and hunched over like it hurt just to stand. As stupid as it sounds, I think if you hadn’t got hurt, we wouldn’t have been there when we were, and it might’ve been too late.”
Ryan stared out the window. “I owe you for being there.”
Kyle’s lips pressed in a thin line as he changed gears. “You don’t owe me shit. It’s life. That’s all. Just life. What we do isn’t easy, and it’s not just us that live it—the people we leave behind do too. War is a cold, selfish bitch, Kendall. It changes you. It makes you hard, and it makes you hurt, yet somehow, we keep going back for more.”
“Because we’re soldiers,” Ryan told him, feeling hollow. “It’s not just our job. It’s who we are.”
How many people had he seen die in his lifetime? Kyle was right. It did make you hurt. While people were moving on, living their lives, a deep pulsating hurt lived in him from what he’d seen, and what he’d done, and it would never leave him alone—it was there to stay—and it should have crippled him a thousand times over, but he was hanging on by his fingernails because of Fin. If he lost her, he wouldn’t be able to hang on anymore. Already, he could feel himself slipping.
“You’re not just a soldier anymore, Kendall. You’re a father now too.” Kyle glanced over at him, his eyes brightening for a brief moment. “And he looks just like you.”
“A son?” Ryan sucked in a sharp breath. He had a son? How was he supposed to be the father he always wanted to be without Fin alongside him? And what did he know about babies? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Tears blurred his vision when he realised there was one thing he did know—his son would be loved, and he would never have cause to doubt it.
“Ryan!” Julie called out to him, as though somehow he would miss where she and Mike stood at the end of the hospital hallway. How could he not see the only real family he’d ever known, or miss the devastation written in their eyes? The slump of Mike’s broad shoulders told him there was only so much a parent could survive, and losing Fin would surely break him.
Ryan kept his eyes focused on them, forcing himself to take one step after another. How was it they raised two of the most remarkable people ever to grace the earth and it was him that was still standing? How was that fair? Ryan wanted to throw a punch at something. He wanted to yell. He wanted to wake up from the horror. Instead, he shoved his hands in his pockets, ignoring the dull throbbing of his injuries.
Julie threw herself into his arms, and Ryan’s bottom lip trembled so hard he had to clench his jaw. If he could go back in time would he have ever left? Would everything be different now? Would Jake still be here, and would Fin be living her bright future instead of fighting for her life?
“You’re leaving.”
“I’m sorry. You understand don’t you, Fin, why I have to do this? You have such a big future ahead of you. You’re going to do big things with your life. Don’t let anyone stop you from being who you need to be, okay?”
That right there had been the fork in his road. The path he’d chosen had given him his biggest heartbreak, and his deepest grief; it had taken his brother, it had given him a son, and showed him the brightest love he had ever known.
Choking on a sob, Ryan tugged his hands from his pockets and wrapped them around Julie, burying his face in her neck. She brushed her hand over the back of his head in comfort, holding him tight.
“How is she?” he asked, his voice hoarse as he drew away.
Julie shook her head and Ryan looked to Mike. He put a hand on Ryan’s uninjured shoulder and squeezed lightly. “She’s a fighter.” Mike nodded towards the doorway. “Go in, son. She’ll fight harder knowing you’re there with her.” Mike’s hand slid away as Ryan moved, taking a step towards the room. “I’ll send a doctor your way to look you over when you’re ready.”
About to tell Mike he was fine, Ryan glanced over his shoulder and paused at the frustration on Mike’s face. It was obvious he needed to do something to keep his mind occupied. “Thanks, Mike,” he said instead. “I’d appreciate that.”
Mike nodded and Ryan caught the flash of relief.
“We’ll be down the hall if you need us,” Julie told him. “Take your time.”