Whisper to a Scream (Alexa O'Brien, Huntress #6.5)

We walked in silence. I pondered his wisdom, seeing it for the gift it was. It broke my heart all over again to know my brothers would not give up on me though I was no longer one of them. Once, bringing hope and strength to those in need of it had fulfilled me. I was created in love, and love was ultimately my purpose. Could it still be so?

“Why are you trying so hard to convince me I have something to offer this world?” I went cold when the little dog refused my affection, shying away from me instead. No animal had ever rejected me before the fall. Guilt took hold and shook me with its iron fist. “There is no coming back from this. You know that.”

Serene gave a slight nod and rested a hand upon my shoulder. “Of course. I also know you did not fall with evil in your heart.”

Our travels took us to the children’s ward of a hospital where we walked unseen. A touch, a whisper of encouragement, sometimes that’s all it took to bring strength to the worried mother and courage to a fearful child. How could I let myself forget the meaning of these precious encounters?

I didn’t want to leave, but Serene led me away to the home of an ailing senior. Alone, her hands clasped in prayer, her soft murmurs beckoned us into the room.

“I want you to believe in never giving up,” Serene said, laying a hand on the old lady’s shoulder. “There is much good you can still do. It won’t be easy as one who has fallen, but it is possible.”

The old lady could not see or hear us, but she paused in her fervent prayer and looked about the room. A smile lit up her face. She settled back in against the pillows and closed her eyes.

“Shya killed Christina because I refused to join him. He made threats against Alexa, and I fear what he will do.” Confessing my worry freed me of some of the weight I’d been carrying. I started to believe Serene.

“You cannot allow fear to replace your faith, Willow.” It was simple, and though it was not the reassurance I sought, it was enough.

We returned to the street outside Woody’s Pub. A sharp pang of guilt was accompanied by a painful longing. I would have given anything for one more day with Christina.

“I must leave you now,” Serene said with an encouraging smile. “I will see you soon. Take care, brother. Remember who you are.”

I stood there alone for quite some time. Then, I pulled open the pub door and went inside.

Serene had reminded me of everything I’d held so dear before temptation had made a fool of me. I had to agree with him. Chasing human escape in the bottom of a bottle was a foolish endeavor. This was a period of confusion, a time of grief, but I couldn’t stay this way forever.

Tequila was my companion once more as I mulled it all over. It was easy to sit there and obsess over my loss. Crushing the pain was a goal I could chase for all eternity and still never catch.

Christina was gone, but my charge was not. Alexa needed me, and I’d pledged to protect her. My actions had placed her in terrible danger, and I refused to allow Shya to decide her fate as well.

Though she might not know it, I owed Alexa for bringing me purpose again. She needed someone to watch her back, and I intended to do just that.

The tequila burn brought a bitter smile to my face. It would always remind me of Christina. In some somber but beautiful way, I was blessed to have known her.

Feeling sorry for myself was easy. Rising above being cast out, that was going to be hard. However, if I didn’t find a way, the darkness would win.

* * * *

I know who I am now, even though my nightmares tell me differently. The guilt lingers. Perhaps it will always be with me.

I’m fallen, not evil. Love has been my greatest strength despite also being my weakness. It is a gift, sacred and pure. There is no purity in creatures of the dark. This is my greatest assurance that, as long as I will it, I shall never be one of them.

The ache is as sharp as it ever was. Losing Christina has never gotten easier. The pain haunts me now as if it were brand new. Time heals the wounds of the mortals, but for me, there is no healing.

If I were faced with our first meeting all over again, I would still dance with her. I would still love her. In that, I have no regrets.

I go on because I must. The memories and the wounds that I carry keep me encouraged. The war rages on, and I’m ready to fight.