I pulled out my cell phone, scrolled down, and dialed before I had time to change my mind. I didn’t know what I’d say or what I wanted to hear him say. I didn’t even care if we said nothing, and simply shared silent airtime. Maybe I could bask in the sound of his voice mail one last time....
“The number you dialed has been disconnected....”
Or not. I hung up, shoving the phone in my pocket and letting my head fall back as the wind picked up.
It was over. Truly over. My eyes fluttered closed and I heard the patter of rain moments before I felt it against my skin. The fresh drops from heaven were soft on my face. In that moment I was embraced by the elements, comforted just as if Patti held me in her arms. In the safety of that feeling, I let the pain tumble out of my heart with cries I’d held in. I grieved with my face in my hands until there was nothing left to cry. I lifted my face to the sky once again, letting the rain wash away the salty tears.
Now I understood what Kai tried to get me to see: There was nothing healthy about desperately wanting something you couldn’t have. I would never have a husband and children. He would never have the freedom to let himself be loved. And each time we saw each other was a painful reminder of those facts.
Patti told me that to truly love someone, you must hold them in an open hand. That was how I needed to love Kai. It was necessary to uncurl my fingers and let him go.
As if pleased with my revelation, the rain stopped and another wind blew through. Clouds shifted until a ray of winter sun poured across the valley and onto the peak of Lookout Point, warming my face, encouraging me. I nodded and took a deep breath, managing a small smile. I might have inherited a legacy of sin from my father, but I was also given a heritage of hope from my mother, and that was the one I needed to embrace.
I didn’t know if I would ever see Kaidan again, or when, but I knew I would love him all my life. We would always have our memories: the sound of each other’s laughter and the feel of each other’s lips. I’d always know he’d been willing to die for me. Nobody could take those things away.
Like humans, I had no idea what was in store for me or how my life might be used in the scheme of things. But I didn’t doubt I would, indeed, be used. If life was a game, like everyone said, then I wanted to win. I held up my hands to the heavens.
Deal me in.