Chapter 12
I’ll lie to keep you safe,
I’ll lie to keep you warm.
I’ll lie to keep you away from the ugliest f*cking storms.
~ Romeo’s Quest
A few weeks had passed since Ashlyn and I had found out about our situation. When October arrived, I was shocked by how much I still wanted her.
One morning, we walked into the school building at the same time. It was only for a second or two that our eyes connected. It was only a mere moment that we stared at one another, but I saw her hiccup, her nerves resting on the surface. When she turned away, I wanted to follow her.
But that was wrong, right?
What was wrong with me?
I thought without interacting in an intimate setting that my feelings would tail off. But they didn’t. They only grew each and every time I saw her step foot into my classroom. Sometimes I would catch her walking in with Ryan and the way she would smile when she spoke to him made me feel as if I were floating. Her smiles were addicting, and I wished they’d been created for me.
I hated that I couldn’t tell her how beautiful she looked each and every day. I hated that, when she walked into my classroom, I had to pretend that she wasn’t on my mind. I hated that she wouldn’t participate in class discussions, even though I knew she had all the right answers.
I hated how my other students looked at her. How they lusted after her. How they mocked her. How they bullied her. I hated that she mourned her sister’s death—by herself. I hated that she felt alone but never really showcased it.
I hated how much I missed her lips. Her laugh. Her smile.
I hated how close we were but how distant we felt.
I loved how beautiful she looked each and every day. I loved that, when she walked into my classroom, she was on my mind. I loved how she wouldn’t participate in class discussions, even though I knew she had all the right answers.
I loved how, when I graded her papers, I wasn’t biased. She was simply a genius. I loved how, when I went on runs, she joined me in the front of my mind. I loved how sometimes I would catch her in class staring at me with wonderment.
I loved how she ignored the other students’ insults. How she didn’t let the bullies win. How she didn’t falter. I loved how she was effortlessly beautiful. How she always wore dresses that hugged her, even though covering up might have helped shut the a*sholes up.
I loved that she wore the dresses because they were her twin sister’s. I loved how she honored her sister’s memory with such simple gestures. I loved how she walked with confidence, even though she was nervous.
I loved how she moved. How she stood. How she sat.
I loved how distant we were but how close we felt.